big_mistake Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I am in an extremely bad position which of course was self induced. I was in a relationship with a guy that I love more than anything. We have been on and off for four years – which has always been my doing, all I can really say is that I was young and didn't value close relationships. My ex went above and beyond all the time to support me and make sure I knew that he was there for me every single day. It took him almost two years of effort to get us to start dating, and once we had it changed both of our lives in so many ways. We broke up late last year, I ran from him giving no closure and no opportunity to discuss his feelings at all - even after finding out he bought me an engagement ring. He was destroyed over the whole thing but respected my wishes and left me alone. Shortly after leaving, I knew I had made a mistake, but resisted calling him because I was afraid to face him hating me after telling me about the ring. I called him about 6 months later and he was very quick to want to see me and totally on board with getting back together but not really open to discussing the past. The past four months have been nothing but a source of extreme frustration for both of us. He told me everything was fine but was very distant and not interested in getting close to me. After months of struggling he finally admitted that I made him cry too many times and that he needed to see if I really loved him. I very selfishly continued to push until finally he freaked out, telling me I ruined both our lives and that he resents me, he doesn’t want to be near me, and that we can be friends and maybe we can slowly date – but it will take a long time and he is not promising anything. He also told me he doesn’t love me anymore and is not sure if he ever could again. We didn’t speak for a week and then he added me back to his messenger contacts but is still barely speaking to me. He has always been the strong one, and truly has never yelled at me for anything…so this was completely devastating for me. I want so badly to fix things but he keeps referring to things as if it is so final and I’m really struggling to accept it. I know the only thing I can do right now is give him the space that he needs – and I’m really trying to do that (although I haven’t been the greatest at it until now). I just can’t wrap my head around him loving me so much and waiting so long and now that I’m ready he can’t move on. I know I’m really grasping here, but is it possible that he needs me to put in the effort/commitment that he once gave me? Every fight we had he would respond with “I never wanted to break up, you can’t commit to anything!!! You have no ability to commit”…..although now he’s so angry and cold…I’m really scared I’ve lost him forever Thoughts?
Girlygirl1977 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Would you guys consider couples counseling? I think you have a lot of baggage because of the past which needs to get worked on. There are a lot of scars.
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Mistake, You dumped him, therefor you will have to find a way to help him get past his trust issues. After all, you dumped him once, what's to stop you from doing it again? That's probably how he will look at it. Yes, you will have to be at least as supportive as he was for you. Every thing you do will have to be about regaining his trust. If it's not too late.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hmmm. Well, once someobreaks out the I dont love you anymore....thats tough to get past. Yes, you made a mistake. You want to recover your relationship with him. Certainly, you both have things you are going to have to do. Just like any betrayal - the one who betrayed has to show sincere remorse and regret. The one who was betrayed has to , at some point, decide if they can forgive and do so. He isnt there yet. Give him space while at the same time acknowledging what you have learned. Then leave it at that - dont let yourself stay in the role of being punished for too long, or to him, that will become your only role.
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 But 2sure, you do agree that the OP will have to do the heavy lifting, right?
Author big_mistake Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Mistake, You dumped him, therefor you will have to find a way to help him get past his trust issues. After all, you dumped him once, what's to stop you from doing it again? That's probably how he will look at it. Yes, you will have to be at least as supportive as he was for you. Every thing you do will have to be about regaining his trust. If it's not too late. I completely agree.... and I understand I've got a lot to prove to him. Its funny because he has said those exact things to me - before he lost his mind. For almost four months he kept saying that he "likes me" and I need to prove things to him... I guess I just pushed him too far and he really doesn't want to try right now... I hope he has a change of heart but I'm not that optimistic about it
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Oh yes, the heavy lifting goes to the betrayer. I dont know, men honestly seem to have a harder time with forgiveness when their feelings have been betrayed. The best you might be able to take away from this is a lesson
Author big_mistake Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Oh yes, the heavy lifting goes to the betrayer. I dont know, men honestly seem to have a harder time with forgiveness when their feelings have been betrayed. The best you might be able to take away from this is a lesson Thanks. I really don't want to believe the lesson thing but I am trying to prepare myself for it. Its really confusing because he always makes sure he responds to me within the same day - even when I'm being insane (which I have since stopped)... He seems to want to stay in contact..but only on his terms which i've had a hard time with.... He seems to be struggling with his decision at times too so I'll I can really do right now is be patient and give it time....unless anyone has any other suggestions?
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 It seems to me, that 6 months is a long time to be sitting on the fence. Its a long time to feel precarious. It is time for a decision to made. He either has to decide he wants to make it work or decide his heart isnt in it. You need to make the decision that YOU also have terms and boundaries. My H cheated on me and broke my heart. After I decided I wanted to repair the marriage we both had work to do. Part of his work was accepting my anger and mistrust. But one day he came to me and said that even though it was all his fault and he deserved it...that his being punished was no longer allowing our relationship to move forward. This was at first difficult for me to swallow, how dare he? But he was right. There is no relationship, and no moving forward when it is one partners role to walk on egg shells. I think you have to help him make the decision. There is a chance the decision will not go the way you want it to. But if you continue on this path...the relationship is going to permanently become what it is right now. I know this hard stuff.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I know this hard stuff. I meant: I know THIS is hard stuff. I personally, know next to nothing
Author big_mistake Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 It seems to me, that 6 months is a long time to be sitting on the fence. Its a long time to feel precarious. It is time for a decision to made. He either has to decide he wants to make it work or decide his heart isnt in it. You need to make the decision that YOU also have terms and boundaries. My H cheated on me and broke my heart. After I decided I wanted to repair the marriage we both had work to do. Part of his work was accepting my anger and mistrust. But one day he came to me and said that even though it was all his fault and he deserved it...that his being punished was no longer allowing our relationship to move forward. This was at first difficult for me to swallow, how dare he? But he was right. There is no relationship, and no moving forward when it is one partners role to walk on egg shells. I think you have to help him make the decision. There is a chance the decision will not go the way you want it to. But if you continue on this path...the relationship is going to permanently become what it is right now. I know this hard stuff. Thanks for sharing your story. Was there once a time where you thought you didn't want to repair the marriage? He was completely on board with fixing things for 4 months, but i kept pushing him and didn't let things progress slowly. This evolved into him blasting me (truly the only time he has ever yelled at me) and telling me he wants to only be friends and that maybe in a very long time we might be able to date but there are no guarantees. Since then, he has been pretty nice in messages although its only been 2 weeks and we haven't talked much at all. I just feel like he wants me to put in tons of effort right now (rightfully so) but he says he doesn't want us,but isn't exactly walking away either... I won't let him treat me badly anymore, I'm trying to take it slow and give us both time to figure out whats important (although I already know)... I hope he'll at least open the door a little - you know?
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You might want to take a close look at yourself here. You were playing a game of push away/come closer with him. And ultimately you got burned.
Author big_mistake Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I was actually pushing him to act normal - he kept saying nothing was wrong and he was happy but he was always keeping distance (understandably so). I kept pushing him to call a spade a spade... I never knew what was going on and I was always trying to figure him out. I now realize it was selfish of me - to not give him time to work things out in his mind
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