fairycake Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hope this doesn't sound stupid but I feel there's some secret I'm not in on. I find it really hard to meet men, even harder to meet men I like. No one at work has ever been an option, my degree was female dominated so nothing happened there. Some of my friends have boyfriends but their friends have either been unsuitable or in relationships already. I'm 26 and I had a serious boyfriend at the end of last year who I, weirdly, met through an internet forum. That was a complete fluke as I don't use forums often and I've never meet anyone before off one but it was all good until he split with me due to problems in his life. If you're thinking it was because there was something wrong with me you should know he split with practically all his other girlfriends and seemed incapable of being with anyone for more than a few months-none of this I found out until it was too late. Lots of people have told me I'm attractive, I'm pretty intelligent, can be funny and try to be a good person. I've been single again for 6 months and I just want to get in the dating scene, where is it?! I'm shy so I wouldn't approach anyone in a bar, when I've been approached I can chat etc, maybe kiss them but I'm not going to sleep with them that night and that's what they all wanted. None of them where interested in going on dates and maybe having a relationship. That's what I want not casual sex. I've thought about trying internet dating but I'm worried most men on there aren't genuine. I'm not saying I expect all dates to work out but I want to meet a guy who wants to date and if it's right progress to a relationship. How can I increase my chances of meeting someone?
Hkizzle Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You got any hobbies? Join some clubs. Way better place to meet men than bars.
boogieboy Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 try singles meetups. Go to lounges and start talking. Internet dating is a 80% waste of time from what I hear, because all the men on there are subpar for some reason.
Author fairycake Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Only hobby I have is yoga which again is all women...my other interests that I could take a class in seem a bit 'girly' too-I like creative stuff like writing, art and photography. I will look into taking a class though, thanks for the advise. In fims and books people always meet partners in rqandom places like on the train or in a cafe. I suppose that doesn't happen in real life though! Maybe it's where I live (London) but there seems a real shortfall in the amount of decent men who want a relationship and the number of women who do. If I wanted sex I could find it no problem but a date is much harder to get. The men who want to settle have already done it and the men who are left are mainly commitment-phobes! Still I live in hope there's one left for me somewhere.
Thornton Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I don't see why you couldn't find nice men in writing, art and photography classes. Perhaps you might also meet some nice guys at a gym or sports club? I think internet dating is fine too, as long as you're very selective. Actually, you need to be very selective in any case - if you want to find a good man, don't get bogged down with all the bad ones - have your criteria firmly in mind, and if a guy doesn't meet them, ditch him before you waste too much time. The sooner you dump the bad guys, the sooner you can get on with meeting a good guy! (PS I don't mean you should be ridiculously picky over small details, but for example if a guy doesn't call, doesn't show interest in a relationship or seems a bit flaky, cheats or sees other women, or otherwise isn't a "good guy" in some way, don't waste your time on him).
BentSpine Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 , when I've been approached I can chat etc, maybe kiss them but I'm not going to sleep with them that night and that's what they all wanted. None of them where interested in going on dates and maybe having a relationship.You want affection, men want sex. Meet somewhere in the middle, so do give sex sooner but make use of Johnies.
Thornton Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You want affection, men want sex. Meet somewhere in the middle, so do give sex sooner but make use of Johnies. I disagree with this statement on behalf of both men and women. Men don't just want sex, and women don't just want affection - for both genders there should be a healthy balance of both sex and affection. If the OP is meeting men who only want sex, she's obviously meeting the wrong kind of guys, because not all guys are solely focused on sex. Also, she shouldn't have to give sex sooner than she feels comfortable with - a genuinely nice guy who cares about her will wait until she's ready, and if he won't wait he's not worth it anyway.
carhill Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I've been single again for 6 months and I just want to get in the dating scene, where is it?! Well, it's definitely not in the keyboard you're typing on You're younger, but I can say most of the unrequited (I've been married for nearly a decade so no actions) potentials have been in the course of everyday life; travel, social gatherings; interests I have, etc. IOW, no rhyme or reason. The only way to meet people is to meet them, even if accidentally. Here's a journal which outlines one potential: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/blog.php?b=58
socialight Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 go to a sports bar alone for UFC 101, sit down at the bar, open up the bible and start reading, have a beer, and see what happens.
sexibanez Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 well, i'm a 26 year old guy in London too, also single. I've come out of a long relationship and was out of the whole dating thing for ages while i readjusted and got my life back on track. All my mates are telling me to go out and shag around, but that's just not me. Whilst I am having loads of fun right now with new hobbies and interests - and doing really well in my job (i'm a primary school teacher), I'm very put off by the whole going up to women and trying to attract/shag them thing. I'm happy with me, if i naturally encounter a girl and we start chatting, things naturally develop, brilliant. I guess I am looking for a relationship, but it's REALLY hard - and London can be a lonely place if you don't surround yourself with the right people. Basically, I know exactly what you're going through, but rest assured, there are guys your age, who are nice and sweet, and looking for the same things as you. I guess I find it harder finding someone because I'm asian, though i was born and bred in wales. I dunno.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You're not missing some huge secret OP. You ask the million dollar question for many women out there.
westernxer Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 There are no genuine guys out there. You have to tame them. LOL
MN randomguy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 There are no genuine guys out there. You have to tame them. LOL Couldn't disagree any more. You can try and try at this. Then, suddenly one day you'll wake-up and you're 40. The trick is to understand that words are just that. Don't get excited about what guys say starting out. Watch how they behave. Don't commit to a guy romantically/emotionally until you get an idea of their character. If you don't like it don't try to change the guy just change which guys you're hanging out with. Within a year or so you'll find a network of others that have figured out the same thing. Another thing. If you find genuine guys you'll have to treat them differently than what is the standard in modern culture. Be prepared to get kicked to the curb if you have fun manipulating people, playing games and disrespecting people.
Author fairycake Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Hmm interesting variety of responses, thanks for your thoughts. Not impressed by the 'give sex sooner' theory, don't think giving that away the first time you meet someone is a good way to meet someone who wants more than just that. It's not like I'd wait ages to sleep with someone but definitely a few weeks to get to know them and see if we actually got on. I do actually have quite a high sex drive but it's all tied in with emotional closeness and I don't fancy the physical without that. I'm not a game-player or anything like that, I'd never treat anyone badly but I'm not an idiot who'd let someone treat me badly either. The problem is not just meeting the wrong men but not meeting any men. I suppose my problem is that I'm not doing new things, I have my friendship group who've been my friends for 8 years and they're great but I suppose I have to try and meet new people of both genders to have a chance of meeting a new partner. Sexibanez, from what you say I'd think meeting women would be quite easy! I know alot of young women who are teachers, but hardly any young men, so I would have thought they'd be potential to meet women at work. Also my friend is asian and she knows so many more people than me as she has a 'community' that do events and socialise regularly. I have a few close friends but no 'network' really. Saying that I do seem someone that strangers start talking too, happens quite alot at bus stops or train stations. Normally it's old people but younger men have started talking to me before and 3 have asked me out (this is over the last 2 years, not all round the same time!) but I just didn't find them at all attractive. Personality is more important but you have to be able to imagine liking the physical stuff with them too and these guys I just couldn't.
sexibanez Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Sexibanez, from what you say I'd think meeting women would be quite easy! I know alot of young women who are teachers, but hardly any young men, so I would have thought they'd be potential to meet women at work. Also my friend is asian and she knows so many more people than me as she has a 'community' that do events and socialise regularly. I have a few close friends but no 'network' really. Saying that I do seem someone that strangers start talking too, happens quite alot at bus stops or train stations. Normally it's old people but younger men have started talking to me before and 3 have asked me out (this is over the last 2 years, not all round the same time!) but I just didn't find them at all attractive. Personality is more important but you have to be able to imagine liking the physical stuff with them too and these guys I just couldn't. Bah, all the ladies in my school are married or in relationships, so annoying because there are so many of them and they are all amazing people! I guess I'm not much of a 'community asian' - Most of my friends are white, maybe I need to cross back over(!). Right now my lifestyle rocks because I'm always partying (bless these summer holidays!), i enjoy the odd glass of wine, I'm in a band and i'm travelling all of north and latin america on a motorbike next year - just no wonderful lady at the minute but I'm working on that! Good to hear you've been getting some attention from random guys! It means you're hot ! Maybe I'm not trying hard enough as there are genuine people like you around!
BentSpine Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I do actually have quite a high sex drive but it's all tied in with emotional closeness and I don't fancy the physical without that.In that respect you are a typical female but men are different from females: Sex to men is the petrol that gives them the motivation to do the very same caring actions that you long for, that bring you the emotional closeness that you crave. There is only so much affection they can give before their tank is empty and needs refilling. I said meet in the middle, I didn't say become intimate at the first meet up. Personally I think the second time you make a plan to meet each other is a good time to get intimate. Of course you want to wait weeks: Women can choose not to think about sex. Men on the other hand, cannot choose not to. So men want don't want to wait weeks. If the man and woman meet somewhere in the middle then they have both made a compromise so that each get what somewhat of what they want. The crucial thing is that you realise that you cannot have affection without giving sex.
Tony427 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I said meet in the middle, I didn't say become intimate at the first meet up. Personally I think the second time you make a plan to meet each other is a good time to get intimate. Of course you want to wait weeks: Women can choose not to think about sex. Men on the other hand, cannot choose not to. So men want don't want to wait weeks. If the man and woman meet somewhere in the middle then they have both made a compromise so that each get what somewhat of what they want. The crucial thing is that you realise that you cannot have affection without giving sex. Very untrue... I am a male and I have absolutely no trouble caring for someone without sex. As a matter of fact the second date would be WAY too soon for me. I have to know someone fairly well before I'll even greet them with a hug.
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 That's why the OP needs to take her time and find a man who is compatible in that way; one who develops emotional intimacy along with physical closeness without it becoming sexual right away. They exist. I've been and always will be one of those. There are others. Seek them out That said, it isn't a one way street. There has to be value for the man too. A woman who holds out sexually and gives him little emotionally (interest, support, caring, empathy) bears her own responsibility for his exit. Essentially, there's nothing in it for him other than feeding her ego. OP, keep that in mind. The right man for you will expect such things from you. Adult relationships have expectations and a man has them, just like you do.
MadDriver Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 well in my job (i'm a primary school teacher), I'm very put off by the whole going up to women and trying to attract/shag them thing. Problem #1: Primary school teacher is a feminine occupation, and also a low-paid one. Problem #2: You are "very put off by... trying to... shag [women]". Do you realize whom you are competing against? Some guys will shag anything, even a dead corpse. You're not even willing to show up at the arena...
St. Nick Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If you're attractive and you have a hard time meeting men it is because you don't look realistically for a mate. You expect Prince Charming and have standards that are too high for any man to meet.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Hope this doesn't sound stupid but I feel there's some secret I'm not in on. I find it really hard to meet men, even harder to meet men I like. No one at work has ever been an option, my degree was female dominated so nothing happened there. Some of my friends have boyfriends but their friends have either been unsuitable or in relationships already. I'm 26 and I had a serious boyfriend at the end of last year who I, weirdly, met through an internet forum. That was a complete fluke as I don't use forums often and I've never meet anyone before off one but it was all good until he split with me due to problems in his life. If you're thinking it was because there was something wrong with me you should know he split with practically all his other girlfriends and seemed incapable of being with anyone for more than a few months-none of this I found out until it was too late. Lots of people have told me I'm attractive, I'm pretty intelligent, can be funny and try to be a good person. I've been single again for 6 months and I just want to get in the dating scene, where is it?! I'm shy so I wouldn't approach anyone in a bar, when I've been approached I can chat etc, maybe kiss them but I'm not going to sleep with them that night and that's what they all wanted. None of them where interested in going on dates and maybe having a relationship. That's what I want not casual sex. I've thought about trying internet dating but I'm worried most men on there aren't genuine. I'm not saying I expect all dates to work out but I want to meet a guy who wants to date and if it's right progress to a relationship. How can I increase my chances of meeting someone? In all seriousness, your authenticity does sound like a great match for online dating success. As detailed here, you have all of the right elements, and you're of suitable age, but just a little reserved. IF you keep your online social avenues open and resist the heavy pressure to rush right out and meet somebody face to face, and just weed-out the lowlifes using the very fact that they need not wait for you when dimwits will line-up to become their next victims, then you'll do just fine. Online origins can be simply grand when both sides are truly authentic, as the anonymity of the net allows each to be more bold (even without alcohol) when expressing themselves. Later, you'll find that adding a name and or phone number feels incredibly easy once you've shared deeper secrets. Know, also, that the various trial-and-error experiments along the way will serve you well in letting you in on what men are really thinking and seeking in their social lives. The single biggest limiting factor to online-begun relationships is that human urge to ruuuuuuuuuuuush right out and meet someone a mere 20 minutes after discovering online that you each shop the produce section of the same Hannaford's every weekend. (people who do that are destined to have no social edge over their real-life counterparts when they arrive and are stunned to find that they have nothing to talk about in person) (the anonymity of the net helps each to be bold and social even when it doesn't feel like their real-life style) Give the online world further consideration.
Chicago_Guy Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 In that respect you are a typical female but men are different from females: Sex to men is the petrol that gives them the motivation to do the very same caring actions that you long for, that bring you the emotional closeness that you crave. There is only so much affection they can give before their tank is empty and needs refilling. I said meet in the middle, I didn't say become intimate at the first meet up. Personally I think the second time you make a plan to meet each other is a good time to get intimate. Of course you want to wait weeks: Women can choose not to think about sex. Men on the other hand, cannot choose not to. So men want don't want to wait weeks. If the man and woman meet somewhere in the middle then they have both made a compromise so that each get what somewhat of what they want. The crucial thing is that you realise that you cannot have affection without giving sex. I totally disagree. I would have no problem waiting to have sex with a girl I was dating, although she should make it pretty clear that she isn't sleeping with someone else. I might assume that a girl who has sex with a guy right away has probably done with same thing with a hundred other guys, which would be a big turn-off for me.
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