burningashes Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Ok, I have no idea what's going on and what to do! Quick background info- I've been with the bf for about 8 months now and am moving in with him soon. I have a friend visiting who I haven't seen for 2 years staying with me for a week, who is leaving Wednesday. I invited my bf out for dinner with us and then back to my place for a movie. I invited him out to the zoo with us the next day to which he declined because he had things to do. I also made effort to keep in touch with him either on the phone or by email. Up till yesterday night, he'd always say that he loves me, misses me etc on the phone whenever we were apart. I've noticed that when he gets upset with me, he would withdraw the affection whenever we have a fight. That's just the thing- we haven't been in any fight in a while. The other night we were trying to figure out when we would be able to hang out with each other and I could tell he was upset that he wouldn't be able to see me for a while due to work/family obligations. He said "I love you 2" before we got off the phone, and that was yesterday night. I wrote an email later when I couldn't sleep, saying that he was an awesome boyfriend for being so understanding that I was busy with my friend and handling all the condo stuff. He replied but ended it with a good night, no affection at all. I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said that he was just frustrated that he hasn't seen me in a while and won't get to see me in a while still. He asked me why, I said that his messages seem a bit short and cold. "I don't bother writing a lot when I know you're busy." I told him that wasn't quite it, it was that the absence of I love you's/I miss you's that bother me so I was wondering if he was upset with me or if I was just being crazy/needy. He just repeated that he was frustrated and still hasn't said that he loves me, and it's been a couple of days now and it's really bothering me. Should I just chalk it up to him being stressed out at work and keep saying I love you even though he isn't saying it or back the hell away? This is really freaking me out- is this being manipulative or is he really upset with me and just aren't telling me why? I'm seeing him tomorrow night for sure so any advice you can give me beforehand would be great, because I seriously think there's something up even though he says he's not upset with me and hasn't said I love you in two days. I am so confused.
gats_b Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 that does sound confusing... kidna sounded like he was jealous when your friend came to visit.. but maybe i'm 100% wrong.. some people may just act that way to get that extra attention/care? just be casual about it when you see him, but if he continues to say nothing's wrong when you know that isn't the case.... then bring it up
everylittlething Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Withdrawing affection is a dangerous way to handle relationship issues. When someone stops expressing their love to make a point, he or she is essentially saying, "I only love you under certain circumstances. If you want to be loved, you better make sure things go the way I want them to." It's a controlling behavior that breeds anxiety, frustration and resentment in the long term. It is ridiculous to think that both you and your boyfriend will be able to maintain the same high level of attention toward each other forever- sometimes life makes demands that get in the way, and so long as you both make the effort to support one another and respect each other's lives outside of the relationship, it shouldn't cause much of a disturbance. His words and actions lead me to believe he feels jealous and threatened by your life outside of him. Despite your efforts to keep him involved, he's acting as if you "owe" him a certain amount of attention, regardless of what else is happening in your life, and how he treats you is dependent on how well you can live up to his expectations. He told you, "I don't bother writing much when I know you're busy." Isn't that precisely when he should be writing more thoughtfully, when you can't see each other as much as you like? He knows that leaving off "I love you" will get a reaction out of you, and possibly win some more of your attention that he feels so deprived of. If he wrote "I love you" in the first place, then he wouldn't get to enjoy a phone call from you- nevermind that you're calling because you're distressed and worried about the relationship. If you stopped responding to his withdrawal- as if you didn't even notice- it may prompt him to be less passive-aggressive when he is upset. Then again, it may also lead to a power struggle that does more harm than good. Talking to him about it is probably your best bet. Tell him that it hurts you when he refuses to acting lovingly toward you. Hopefully he will be mature enough to recognize his behavior and adjust himself accordingly.
Author burningashes Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I found it really odd and it really bothered me. For me, if I get pissed at my boyfriend, I would still tell him I love him. No matter what, I would still love him and have him know that. He does show me affection except for when we're fighting and apparently now when he's frustrated. I have tried talking to him about this, that I don't like the withdrawal of affection when things aren't going his way and it seems like he's not getting it. YES- exactly- Isn't that precisely when he should be writing more thoughtfully, when you can't see each other as much as you like? He knows that leaving off "I love you" will get a reaction out of you, and possibly win some more of your attention that he feels so deprived of. If he wrote "I love you" in the first place, then he wouldn't get to enjoy a phone call from you- nevermind that you're calling because you're distressed and worried about the relationship. I was already making sure I kept in touch with him when I could, and that my messages were full of love, so I don't know why he feels the need to do this. It drives me absolutely nuts and I don't want to play the game of turning the tables on him. Tell him that it hurts you when he refuses to acting lovingly toward you. Hopefully he will be mature enough to recognize his behavior and adjust himself accordingly. I have, and I guess I'm just not getting my point across somehow :/ Oh well, I saw him earlier today for a short time before he had to go to work because I really wanted to make sure everything was ok in person. Everything is absolutely fine, there was no awkwardness at all. It's really weird, it's as if nothing happened and he said I love you when I saw him. How do I stop responding to his withdrawal? do I simply back off?
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You're speaking of comparing a relationship over phone/internet to a real live, breathing relationship. Not going to be the same. While I TOTALLY get where you're coming from on not hearing "ILY" from him, just don't jump to any conclusions until you guys have had some time in person together. Some people just don't do well having a relationship over technology. Spend some time together, let him know you really missed him, don't rag on him. Let him just be. Be yourself, be who you always have been. See if he goes back to how he usually is in person (i.e., saying "ILY"). If he does, then I'd say what he said about being stressed and frustrated was true and he just didn't have the words to express himself over phone/internet. If he's still having the withdrawal issue, address it.
Author burningashes Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 thanks Soul, I love your replies to threads You're right, I probably jumped the gun too soon and got worried when he wasn't saying it over the phone. It just made me feel like I had done something wrong or that he was upset with me over something. I suppose I came here for some reassurance, lol. He is so, so affectionate with me when we're together and he makes me feel so special. So sometimes when he doesn't say it over the phone or whatever, I get a feeling that maybe something's wrong. I guess I will just have to keep in mind that as long as he's affectionate when we're together, it's all good. I'm so glad I have an awesome boyfriend
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm glad things are okay, burning. Some people just have a really hard time connecting that way. Just don't take it personal.
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