boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You said that "you trust him implicitly", yet you also said that all people should "test", their partners at least once, and that you would sick a PI on him if something felt "off". What does that sound like to you? Trust? Not in my opinion.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You said that "you trust him implicitly", yet you also said that all people should "test", their partners at least once, and that you would sick a PI on him if something felt "off". What does that sound like to you? Trust? Not in my opinion.boldjack, why are you consistently leaving off the "gut instinct" part of it? You know that you weren't trustworthy in most of your relationships. That you're trustworthy in this marriage, is a breaking of your historical pattern. You're the last person who should be saying that people should just go ahead and fully trust their partners.
sally4sara Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I think TBF is saying she trusts him completely, but IF his behavior and/or his word stopped adding up, she would check on him to see if it was just her imagination or if he actually was up to something before dropping the relationship. I think what the OP is saying her friend wants to do is ill planned. Why would he take the bait at a party with his GF lurking about in the other room? Sounds high school. For me, I would not go about it this way. My motto is "get out BEFORE you go full tilt crazy and embarrass yourself". I just feel that if it has gotten bad enough for you to start considering this route, you're not happy in the relationship anymore. Happy people don't go about setting their partner up.
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Blame my wife, she is the person, who taught me to trust again.:love: One of the things I have taken from my sordid past, is that it is better on the soul, to trust, than to live with suspicion. I would never "test ", her, because we are completely honest with one another, and will talk out any issues we have. I don't trust "gut", instincts or"hunches", or "feelings". I am only interested in facts and truth.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Blame my wife, she is the person, who taught me to trust again.:love: One of the things I have taken from my sordid past, is that it is better on the soul, to trust, than to live with suspicion. I would never "test ", her, because we are completely honest with one another, and will talk out any issues we have. I don't trust "gut", instincts or"hunches", or "feelings". I am only interested in facts and truth.The only way to get facts and truth about a cheater, is to test and/or verify, if something feels wrong. If your wife started to act strangely and asking her, didn't reveal anything, would you just up and divorce her?
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 IF something was seriously and obviously wrong, and she would refuse to either to discus it or the unusual behavior continued, I would confront her. If she failed to respond, honestly, yes, I would divorce her. I will not live in a suspicious marriage, even for one day. Honesty is THE basis for all marriages. Period.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 IF something was seriously and obviously wrong, and she would refuse to either to discus it or the unusual behavior continued, I would confront her. If she failed to respond, honestly, yes, I would divorce her. I will not live in a suspicious marriage, even for one day. Honesty is THE basis for all marriages. Period.How many cheaters tell the truth when confronted? For that matter, how do you know that they're definitively cheating or that they're lying about the cause for their unusual behaviour (work stress comes to mind)? FACT and TRUTH, aren't so easy to get from someone who's self-protective and careful.
stuckinoz Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Looks as if the OP has vanished...... My opinion - IF you have a gut feeling & something at least a little concrete to make you suspicious - THEN & ONLY THEN would said test be worthwhile. Doesn't sound like this girl has anything to go on. Sounds as if it's a high school game. I'd say BE CAREFUL what you go after...You might find something you don't wanna find. I kinda feel sorry for the boyfriend that's gonna get blindsided by this.- Sad & Juvinile
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You see TBF, it doesn't matter what the reason for the dishonesty is. The dishonesty, itself, is reason enough for divorce. I mean, yes you have to have a sense of proportion. If she were to hide my BD present, or not tell me about a surprise party, No , of course I wouldn't divorce her. If it were a serious alteration in our marriage, I would ask and If she will not come clean, it's over. I'm not going to lower myself to snoop, or connive, or entrap. This is the reason I trust her completely, she feels the same way.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You see TBF, it doesn't matter what the reason for the dishonesty is. The dishonesty, itself, is reason enough for divorce. I mean, yes you have to have a sense of proportion. If she were to hide my BD present, or not tell me about a surprise party, No , of course I wouldn't divorce her. If it were a serious alteration in our marriage, I would ask and If she will not come clean, it's over. I'm not going to lower myself to snoop, or connive, or entrap. This is the reason I trust her completely, she feels the same way.You're assuming that you would definitively know your wife was being honest or dishonest with her explanation to you. So then, you ask her and she pawns it off to extreme work stress and on it goes, since it's "work" related. With the scenario you've given, you "have" to trust her word and continue on, as is. If the behaviour doesn't change in time, you would divorce her, even though it's barely a change in perceivable behavioural change, right?
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You are not hitting , what I'm pitching.:) We talk about everything. Any" work stress", or other issues facing one of us, is dealt with by both of us. Our relationship is totally open, and so totally secure.
donnamaybe Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You know, BJ, I seriously doubt TBF is gonna go off half cocked and hire some friend to set up her guy. And I seriously doubt it would all be as cut and dried as you try to make it out to be if things suddenly took a strange turn in your marriage. It's so easy to sit on the other end of a computer and say the things you're saying, but when it really came down to it, if you love your wife, you might wonder if something was wrong that she was afraid to tell you, perhaps, or maybe she's hiding something from you that she's trying to surprise you with, or... The possibilities are endless. If I thought something might be going on in my relationship, I would check it out if I couldn't get him to talk to me about it. I certainly wouldn't have some stupid girl try to seduce him; that's not my style. But I would certainly get to the bottom of things, and THEN I would know what my next move would have to be.
JohnnyBlaze Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Personally, I think it's a very bad idea. If he has given her reason to question his honesty, she shouldn't be taking things to the next level to begin with. If he hasn't given her reason, why doubt him? Look at the possible outcomes: if he fails, they're through. If he passes, sooner or later he'll find out that he was tested, and if he has any self-respect at all, he'll leave her the minute he finds out (and like anything else, sooner or later, they always do find out). By testing him, she's saying that she doesn't trust him or believe in him. Why would anyone stay in a relation when they're under that kind of baseless and constant suspicion?
Author electricvanilla Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I hope your friend ends up old, bitter and alone. She just can't leave well enough alone. Also, I hope her uterus falls out. Bitch. LMAO. Her uterus too? Jeeze. She is kinda a Bitch...but... Someone published a book saying this is normz!
Author electricvanilla Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I am not sure whether testing him is a good idea (testing him might save her from a cheating jerk, or might make a great guy break up with her... buit it's her decision alone), but I do not think that the test your friend has in mind is going to be very effective. Let's assume, for argument's sake, that he is the cheating type. Very few cheaters are going to cheat in a high-risk potential situation like the one you picture. A party where gf is present, where other people might see him, with a friend/acquaintance of his gf? What if he does not cheat *only* because it would be too stupid in that context? What if he responds to the advance but then turns the tables on you? ("it was clear you were setting me up, I was curious to see where the stupid game would end!") What if he is a great guy and gets so mad at the friend that his gf either has to dump the friendship or confess the test? Omgz. I am not taking part in this anymore. I feel bad for him now...& I feel as if I should like warn him? I don't even want to be involved now. Putting it in perspective if this were to occur to me...would not be cool.
Author electricvanilla Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 That's why I consider this test to be crude. There are other ways to test, that aren't so obvious. Since I don't know the people involved and their habits, it's difficult for me to suggest a more subtle way. Cell phones bills can be very telling. She is 25....they don't live together, so mail and bills won't work. ...ummm lol I don't know what else. They hang out all the time....she's not afraid that he's cheating now...but wants to check for 'future reference'. She doesn't have his email acct or anything like that.
Author electricvanilla Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 For me, I would not go about it this way. My motto is "get out BEFORE you go full tilt crazy and embarrass yourself". I just feel that if it has gotten bad enough for you to start considering this route, you're not happy in the relationship anymore. Happy people don't go about setting their partner up. Lol...ur quote is amazing. I don't think this scheme is going to sail as smoothly as she thinks. I will have to wait & see. She claims to be fine..that he's the man of her dreams, she has called me before looking for ways to 'hint' to a guy you want him to propose. lol....I don't know how that is going. She just wants to verify he is everything on her list I guess.
anne1707 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 In my opinion, trying to set someone up like this really makes you as bad as a cheater. It shows a lack of respect for your partner. If you have doubts, confront them directly - don't play games. It's along the same lines of getting a private detective to check out a potential partner before you will commit yourself further along with interrogating mutual friends. It says more about the person who wants to test rather than the person being tested
Author electricvanilla Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 :eek:This makes me just as bad a person for even considering helping her out!! Chick always comes to ME for advice on things when I nvr even had a freaking relationship before. I mean she's 25....pretty much 26..so idk whats up with that. She is a Nurse...so, I would assume she knows/is surrounded by others who have more experience...that are in established relationships as well as people who are more mature/serious.
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 So, my friend has been dating this guy for about a year now. They are serious BUT...she wants to test his faithfulness out. There is going to be a party in a few weeks...& she wants either me...or another female friend of ours to make a move on him when she leaves the room. Then she will walk back in to see if he took the bait and makes out with one of us or something. *Probably won't be me doing it bc I don't know how to kiss let alone be seductive, lmao* Do you think it's bad to like set up a guy like this? Or any1 for that matter... At the same time, it's not that bad bc if he falls for it...he is no good. Is this a bad idea? &in the end, no1 is going to tell him about this grand scheme...so which ever way...he won't ever know it was a set up. Has anyone ever done this before? My friend said according to a book she read, people normally do this before getting married or if they are very serious. Anyone hear of this before??? Nope .. never done this.. I think it's a bad idea.. cause 9/10 guys fail..
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Oh.. I forgot.. I think it could be a great idea.. if a woman cheats and wants HER husband to leave instead of her (for some reason)... she can set him up.. catch him.. divorce.. then be with her lover.. mooouahahahaha
Hkizzle Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Oh.. I forgot.. I think it could be a great idea.. if a woman cheats and wants HER husband to leave instead of her (for some reason)... she can set him up.. catch him.. divorce.. then be with her lover.. mooouahahahaha That's actually a good idea~! Most cunning wins!
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 She is 25....they don't live together, so mail and bills won't work. ...ummm lol I don't know what else. They hang out all the time....she's not afraid that he's cheating now...but wants to check for 'future reference'. She doesn't have his email acct or anything like that.I'm sure she can track him to any Internet site he's on and work that angle, instead. If she's unafraid he's cheating now, why would that change if anyone hits on him, right now? Current behaviour never guarantees future behaviour. It's irrational to test, if there isn't something that triggers the need. It's like stocking up on condoms, even though you don't intend to have sex in the next five years. They expire...y'know...
Chubbi Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Honestly, I don't see what's so bad about the scenario, to tell you the truth. I would tell her to go for it and see what happens- it's a win/win for her. She can keep him because he's actually there for her and good on his word OR she can dump him. Many of the posters said it was "bad" and called her names but they didn't give any reasons for it except it seems she doesn't trust him. Okay, so she doesn't? Wouldn't this confirm her trust if he passes and couldn't she break up if he fails? Why would he cheat anyway? If he loves her as much as she says, what's the problem? He'll just say "sorry, I'm committed" and then that's that. She realizes he's in it for her = she loves him more. I say go for it.
boldjack Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Donna, apparently you didn't read all of my posts. I specifically mentioned surprises. Also it is far from easy to be honest. We have an open and straightforward marriage because we have worked very hard to make it so. When we first decided to marry, we sat down and agree to total honesty, so there would be no walls between us, and it has worked splendidly so far.:love:
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