STRONGLY considering breaking NC

[mickleb]

Nature - I know my dear. I just wonder if it's time you told him that? I wonder if he's backpedalling because he doesn't know what the hell to say anymore?

 

I'm not saying launch straight in where you left off but maybe there has been enough time passed, now, for open discussion. Cards on the table stuff. You can tell him what you've told us, and tell him words are cheap and that you will need proof before you believe him.

 

But, if you don't respond honestly - what if he gets tired of trying to let you know he realises he f*cked up? It will would wear anyone out eventually.

 

Perhaps your instinct tells you he hasn't really changed? Sounds like he's terrified of getting hurt, to me, though, sweetie. x

[nature]

Mickle...thanks! I did offer him to go for a walk or coffee...to actually talk in person. I put myself out there. He turned it down, saying he was too scared to be around me. That tells me he's not remotely at a "place" wherein he is ready for a committed, adult relationship if he is too scared to meet the girl he was engaged to. If he wanted to work things out, he would want to see me and talk in person. Not call me drunk, then back peddle, then call me acting like a friend, yet not actually want to see me in person. My gut tells me he is not at a place where he can put himself out there 100%. And that tells me it would only lead to heart ache.

 

He hurt me bad. Bad last summer. I have healed, but i've never been that hurt before. So in my eyes, it is HE who needs to put himself out there a little bit. What more can i do but offer to see each other in person. He said no to that, so I really can't do much more. I am not goign to beg.

 

If he's that insecure about getting hurt, then he's not ready. You have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable to be in a relationship. And he hurt me. I didn't hurt him. I was 100% committed to him for life. I wanted to marry him with every ounce of my heart and soul. He broke up with me. He ripped me to shreds. It took me a long time to heal.

[Thomas X Forever]

Sorry to hear about all that nature...

 

 

 

 

God, all I did today is cry. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on.

[Thornton]

Okay, I get it now. So, does this someone you're currently dating know you feel this way?

 

Well, me still being hurt over my ex is my problem, not my bf's. I'm fully aware that my feelings for my ex are stupid and I need to get rid of them. I know in my head that the guy I'm dating now is a good catch - kind, attractive, intelligent, really cares about me, does anything for me... I'm not about to dump a good boyfriend just because I still have some residual feelings for an ex that won't go away... especially when my bf wants to stay with me and the ex doesn't want me at all.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about my ex and just be happy with my bf - I guess it's going to take a bit of time. If I can't have my ex, then my current bf is the best option available. In fact, he's the best option available anyway, because even if my ex wanted me back I know he doesn't love me, so it would be pointless taking him back even if he wanted to, which he doesn't anyway...

[mickleb]

Then maybe you should not have to put up with the confused, drunken phone calls, my dear?

 

I sort of feel you should put all this down in one letter, telling him to step-up if he DOES want you - to meet you, look you in the eye and just say how he feels - or just move on with his life.

 

I'm not sure he is going to take control of this situation. I understand if that means you don't want him but why even answer the phone to him, in the meantime?

 

I don't know, love. It's your life and you know the two of you. I have no idea! I just wonder if he is so ashamed of how he dealt with things, that he daren't make the kind of move you need him to. Or he'll do that completely useless thing of sharpening up when you meet someone else..

 

Don't know. And, btw, I am SO sorry if my opinions here have made the picture start spinning again, just when it had begun to calm down. It is NOT my right to tell you how you feel. You know what you need to do. And I don't doubt for a second how much he hurt you. And I do understand how difficult it would be to trust him after that.

 

I'm thinking of you. And sorry again if my questions have been upsetting, or anything. x

[nature]

Mickle...I appreciate your input so much. You are a very wise, mature person from the sounds of it. No, you have not caused my head to spin, or upset me at all. I have thought about all that you have said. I really have. I guess I'm struggling with my own feelings inside, if that makes sense. Perhaps I'm just as confused now. You know, it took me a lot to heal. And get to a good place. Why do I answer his periodic phone calls? Good question I have asked myself before. I guess because I do still care about him. I don't hate him. I don't resent him. I don't even harbour bad feelings towards him. I understand he was messed up, and messed us up. But I really have healed from it, and I don't believe in holding on to anger.

 

I really did care about this person. He was my best friend. Perhaps I answer because I want him to know I am not bitter towards him, will always care for him in a way. We shared a very special time together. We went thru a lot together before he went off the deep end, so to speak. So I remember fondly the good times we shared, and he still holds a special place in my heart.

 

I just sense that he is "not there" yet. Not really ready to step up and have a mature relationship. From the fact he is scared to see me. Still goes out and gets stupid drunk with friends and then calls me all messed up. It just really makes me feel sorry for him, if you can believe it. Because as much as he hurt me, I've been the one who has grown positively forward and kept trying to keep my life moving in a positive direction. While I see him now, and realize how truly screwed up he was when he broke up with me.

 

It's weird. As I was the one who was so hurt. And he was cocky and ignorant when he dumped me a year ago. Man it hurt me. But I've forced myself to keep moving forward, and to appreciate my life every day, and overcome the hurt. And I have. And I've accomplished a lot and am at a really happy place in my life. And I look at him now, and I see that he's really just stood still in the same "place" since he left me. He's still doing the same stuff and his life really hasn't grown at all.

 

hmmmmm...I will think on it. Thank you!

[mickleb]

It's as though you want him to heal like you have. Maybe he's unable to (at the moment, at least) because he knows HE f*cked up. You always (pretty much, I'm guessing) knew it wasn't your fault, so could move away and forward, more easily?

 

I completely get what you say, about wanting him to know you forgive him, wanting to (distantly) let him know you care, etc. I do think men respond well to straight talking, a lot of the time, though. I think I would have to tell him to not call when he was drunk, etc, though - at the very least!

 

I think you are wise, however, not to have acted thus far. If in doubt, do nothing. I would have rolled my eyes at anyone who gave me that advice when I was younger! But patience really is a virtue.

 

You have inspired me, on my path to healing. I respect you a lot. And I'm so happy for you that you have come so far. Thank you for being so honest and brave. Continue to look after yourself as well as you have, so far.

 

And be really proud! xx

 

 

TFX - You've got all of our shoulders, if that helps. x

[nature]

Mickle..thanks! I forgot to mention that I did tell him I don't appreciate the drunk calls, and that I don't take anything seriously when he calls me drunk. He hasn't done it now for wks. I think he felt like a jerk. I was nice about it, but firm. Then one funny thing that happened after that...I'll just tell you...is one night I got a phone call on a Sunday night at 11:30 pm from his number...I answered, and it was one of his friends rambling on into the phone speaking spanish....I was like, pardon? He sounded drunk. I said, "who is this?". He hung up. Well two days later I got a phone call from my ex leaving me a msg saying he was just checking his phone log and had forgotten about Sunday night and apologized for the mishap...said he and his friends had been golfing all day, had a few too many beers on the course and after, and one of his friends had left his phone in the others car, so my ex had dialed the guys number for his friend, had accidentally hit mine, and that is why his friend was rambling on to me drunk...thinking i was the other guy.

 

He left me this long winded apology msg, to which I never replied or called him back. Since then he left me another nicer msg sober one evening a few weeks ago. But I was out and didn't get home till late, so just sent him a quick email saying thanks for the msg and hope he's doing well as well. I am really keeping my distance.

 

As you can probably see as well as I can, he is still running around with these guys he took up with, still drinking their lives away and doing the "bachelor" thing. If I really let myself, I could be very hurt by it and angry that he threw what we had away for that. But I don't let myself, because i know it's not my fault, not my issue, not my problem. It was his choice, and nothing I did or could do would change it.That is what he wanted and what he clearly still wants, so I won't fight it.

 

I'm really trying to keep moving forward. If I saw changes in him I may think differently. If he had called, professed his love, apologized, and then shown me that he realizes what an idiot he was and what he lost and that he's made some positive changes to himself, I'd be more inclined to be straight up with him and say, let's do this. However, I have seen none of that. He's still on the bachelor party wagon, and I dont' want that anywhere near my life. I really don't.

 

Yes, he knows he messed things up. But he is a big boy. He is 40 yrs old. He can choose to keep living like he is, or he could pull himself out of it, and turn his life around and back on track, and pursue me in a mature way like when we first met. However, he's still on the "going backwards track" which I see very clearly. And I just try not to think about it too much, becasue if I really did, it would eat me up inside that he threw me away for that BS. So I just try to seperate myself from it and keep moving forward with my life, keep staying positive, keep surrounding myself with goodness, and try to have an open heart and no bitterness.

 

Thanks everyone! See what you started Thomas...this is good for all of us!!!!

[hoping2heal]

Well, me still being hurt over my ex is my problem, not my bf's.

 

If this man who is treating you so wonderfully, and making time for you is doing so with a dishonest partner (you) it is every bit of his problem. Who do you think is going to be gutted to learn what you're doing? Yeah, I'd say it's his problemt oo.

 

 

 

 

I'm fully aware that my feelings for my ex are stupid and I need to get rid of them. I know in my head that the guy I'm dating now is a good catch - kind, attractive, intelligent, really cares about me, does anything for me...

 

Then do the right thing and don't damage him, okay? At best, let him know the truth for crying out loud and then let HIM decide where he wants to go from there.

 

 

 

I'm not about to dump a good boyfriend just because I still have some residual feelings for an ex that won't go away... especially when my bf wants to stay with me and the ex doesn't want me at all.

 

This guy deserves to know he's being used as your comfort blanking while you're hurting over someone else. He seems to genuinely care about you as an illusion. He thinks he knows you, he very obviously does not. He deserves to know what is going on.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about my ex and just be happy with my bf - I guess it's going to take a bit of time. If I can't have my ex, then my current bf is the best option available. In fact, he's the best option available anyway, because even if my ex wanted me back I know he doesn't love me, so it would be pointless taking him back even if he wanted to, which he doesn't anyway...

 

What about what is the best option for your current boyfriend? You are not it, and he deserves to know what he's really got on his hands, don't you think? Wouldn't you be devestated if someone did to you, what you are doing to this guy good enough to be so caring and attentive with you?

[nature]

Thornton...I think you are doing what a lot of people do. You have the new guy as a sort of security blanket because you do not like to be alone. So while you pine and hope for your ex to come back, the new guy makes you feel less alone. I think you are still pining over your ex because he dumped you, so immediately that puts him in the power position, so to speak. "We want what we can't have" comes into play here. You haev a wonderful guy right in front of you that you have, yet you have a guy who hurt you that you want, because you can't have him. It's the irony of it all. A lot of people do this.

 

Just make sure this does not become a habit. Be careful that you appreciate the new guy, because I hate to think what would happen to you if he left you right now. I have seen this before. Then suddenly your pining feelings for your ex, would now turn to pining feelings for this new guy, because suddenly you didn't have him anymore. Do you know what I mean? While you have him, you can emotionally take him for granted regardless of whether he knows or not. Your emotions still pine for your ex. But if the new guy suddenly dumped you, I think your feelings may change. I think suddenly you may actually realize and start pining for the new guy in the way you are currently pining for your ex.

 

Maybe you need some time alone to sort out your feelings and get strong in yourself before dating and getting involved right now. Some time to heal. just my perspective.

[hoping2heal]

Thornton...I think you are doing what a lot of people do. You have the new guy as a sort of security blanket because you do not like to be alone. So while you pine and hope for your ex to come back, the new guy makes you feel less alone. I think you are still pining over your ex because he dumped you, so immediately that puts him in the power position, so to speak. "We want what we can't have" comes into play here. You haev a wonderful guy right in front of you that you have, yet you have a guy who hurt you that you want, because you can't have him. It's the irony of it all. A lot of people do this.

 

Just make sure this does not become a habit. Be careful that you appreciate the new guy, because I hate to think what would happen to you if he left you right now. I have seen this before. Then suddenly your pining feelings for your ex, would now turn to pining feelings for this new guy, because suddenly you didn't have him anymore. Do you know what I mean? While you have him, you can emotionally take him for granted regardless of whether he knows or not. Your emotions still pine for your ex. But if the new guy suddenly dumped you, I think your feelings may change. I think suddenly you may actually realize and start pining for the new guy in the way you are currently pining for your ex.

 

Maybe you need some time alone to sort out your feelings and get strong in yourself before dating and getting involved right now. Some time to heal. just my perspective.

 

Yes, a lot of people do this. They hurt a lot of good natured people in the process. Not to mention, it never works out in the long haul. You can't be completely selfish and self serving and expect a good result in a relationship. It also doesn't teach you any good coping skills either. People are made to adapt to change and deal with stress, we even have chemicals in our bodies that release to help us deal with these things. Using people to soothe your pain is a bad, bad habit. It hurts innocent people, it hurts youself; as it teaches you to be weak and devious, as opposed to strong and wise.