Tx_hrt Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hello to all!! I have spent the last week reading through all the messages, articles and posts. Reading the thoughts of others have greatly helped me as I go through all this pain. I am the other man in a 5 month current relationship. I am so in love with her. We talk about everything and hold nothing back. I don't trust people very easily but have grown to trust her. She has shared so many secrets with me and I with her. She is my Best Friend. the only one I am not afraid to talk to about anything. She is the same with me. I love everything about her. I have asked her many times "Will you marry me?" she always says "Yes". I always ask "Will we be together?" She always says "Yes". I ask "Are you mine?" always a yes. She says that she is so happy when we are together and she wants to be with me. We have tried multiple times to end this relationship but neither of us really want too. This happens when she starts feeling guilty. When she is feeling guilty she will become distant for a couple of days then will come back. She is not afraid to go out in public with me and be affectionate. She will hold my hand and kiss me openly. She doesn't look around to see if there is anyone she knows. When summer began she asked if I wanted to ride to work together? So, we are doing that now. I am trying to figure out why she doesn't seem to be afraid? I know that her love is true. I can see it in her eyes and she gets very emotional when we bring up the subject of ending this relationship. Last week she told me she needs to make a decision. She indicated that she is tired of sneaking around. She told me point blank..."We will be together soon!!" I have never felt so secure and I slept that weekend for the first time without butterflies in my stomach. Then this week, Monday I can tell something is different. I asked her what was wrong and of course she said "Nothing". But later after much probing she said that she is very confused. She sent me an email: Despite how I am feeling today I do love you and I enjoy our moments together. I am just sooooo CONFUSED right now. I do need some time alone, and it doesn't change how I feel about you. I am not sure if she is telling me the truth or filling me full of crap. She left on a Vacation this past Friday. I asked her if she would call and she said that she will try. H made the comment "no cell phones". I asked her if she was going to abide by his comment and she said "No" I am taking my phone. Here we are on Day 4 of the vacation and contact is slowly diminishing. She did call yesterday and we spoke for about 2 minutes. She was also rather distant while we spoke. She did say as we hung up "Love You". It was almost like she said it out of habit and not because she meant it. I told her that I have the feeling that she will end us when she returns from this vacation. She assured me that she has NO Intentions of doing that. Saturday and Sunday there were multiple 831 (I love You) txts. Yesterday I did not get a single txt (did get a call). Saturday I did get a call but did not answer(didn't hear the phone). I am sending her emails and I know she is reading them(Sneaky - I have access to her email). This is my first EMR and my feelings are going Hay-wire!! I have been reading and reading and will continue to read. I just don't know all the answers or even the questions to ask? I don't sleep well and I hurt all the time.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 My opinion, if she's still going on vacation with him, she's not leaving any time soon. Especially if the contact has dwindled. She's holds all the cards here. She wants to be with you, she feels guilty. It's a see-saw. If you want to stay in the R, accept it will be this way, or you'll drive yourself crazy. Oh, and get a life. Don't sit around waiting for a phone call or text (831 texts, she needs to get a life too.) When she sees you aren't waiting around for her to decide, it injects reality into the situation. And welcome to the forum! GEL
norajane Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 The most effective way to un-confuse her is to remove yourself from her life. Then, she either won't be able to live without you, or she will. But as long as you hang around, she doesn't actually have to make any decision. She'll have your stolen moments and ego boost whenever she wants it, and she'll have the stability and family vacations with her H. She has no reason to make a decision when she has the best of both worlds already.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 [QUOTE=Tx_hrt;2308444] I have asked her many times "Will you marry me?" she always says "Yes". I always ask "Will we be together?" She always says "Yes". I ask "Are you mine?" always a yes. Obviously all of those answers are lies or just fantasy. She cant marry you, or be with you, or be yours...clearly - since she is already married. And very much with her husband. I note that each time she becomes confused, she withdraws from the relationship with you. You state that she has tried to break it off with you repeatedly but never once mention if she has told you she wants to leave her husband
MSUE Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 well I just want to say that I have been in her shoes..and its not an easy spot to be in..I too went on Vacations and all that fun stuff that really isn't fun...ultimately after a year of being in the A I did leave my H for him and we are finally happy at last we even moved in together about a year ago...Every A is its own world but i guess what I'm trying to say is that hope is a beautiful thing and I'm proof of that.
norajane Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 well I just want to say that I have been in her shoes..and its not an easy spot to be in..I too went on Vacations and all that fun stuff that really isn't fun...ultimately after a year of being in the A I did leave my H for him and we are finally happy at last we even moved in together about a year ago...Every A is its own world but i guess what I'm trying to say is that hope is a beautiful thing and I'm proof of that. The difference is that you were the one making the choice. Your OM hung around, and you knew he was there, so it was up to you to make a decision. You had nothing to lose. Your OM had a year of his life to lose, and maybe more, if you kept stringing him along the whole time and ended up choosing to stay married. The OP would be foolish to waste his life waiting for someone else's marriage to fall apart, especially when she hasn't exactly told him that she wants to leave her husband. The OP does have a choice, though. He doesn't have to hang around. He can be decisive about his own life and remove himself from the affair, instead of waiting for another couple to decide how he's going to live his life. If she wants him, she can take the steps to divorce so she can have him. Hope is a double edged sword. It keeps you hanging around, even when you know better.
Author Tx_hrt Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I am wondering why the txt and calls are diminishing? Is she thinking of me? Can she NOT respond because H is too close (they are together 24/7) She came over the morning before they left and spent the morning together. It was so awsome. Was this a Good-bye? I am just trying to figure all this out. Is she hurting the same as Me?
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 GEL, it's obvious that the OP can't accept the "A" as is, he wants more, thus the frustration. He wants the MW to commit, and she can't or won't. OP, you would do well to listen to these other posters, they are giving you some excellent advice. You first need to have your own social life, away from her. You also should develope a support network, in case it ends badly, which I think it will. This woman as of now, has no intention of leaving the marriage. She placates you with words of love and devotion, but goes home to his bed, every night. With a support network and an independent social life, you will show her that she must make a decision, one way or the other. Good Luck
Author Tx_hrt Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I have told her that I will not wait for her. I have told her that I will be looking. She gets real upset when we talk about that. Believe me...I am not sitting at home at night while she is playing the good little wife. The problem is...when I do go out my heart is over there with her. Sure being out helps keep my mind occupied but in my heart I am not wanting to meet anyone and it is her that I want.
Author Tx_hrt Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Why would she do this type of thing to me? Why would she make all those promises "Someday", "One Day", "We will". knowing what the real answer is? She tells me with the most sincere glass cutting eyes, "We will be together!! I don't know when and I don't know how. I just know that we will". I did not expect this from her because she was the OW in a relationship before. He too made so many promises and never kept them. She knew what the pain feels like.
utterer of lies Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I am not sure if she is telling me the truth or filling me full of crap. And the answer is...'Crap'.
MSUE Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 all I'm saying is that I have been in those shoes and in my case yes i had control but it was a similar scenario as OP's and it ended up working out for us meaning my OM and me...there are exceptions and I'm proof of that and there are times where hanging in pays off and it sure did...we couldn't be any happier together and we plan on starting a family soon
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 OP - does your MW ever say she is thinking about divorce or leaving her husband? Is she specific?
Author Tx_hrt Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 She doesn't come out and say divorce. She says that she wants to be with me. She gets very emotional when we talk about it. She says, "Please, don't give up." She asks alot of questions about how I would be if we were together. She asks if I would be faithful. She asks if I will be there through the whole thing.
NOTSURE7 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 all I'm saying is that I have been in those shoes and in my case yes i had control but it was a similar scenario as OP's and it ended up working out for us meaning my OM and me...there are exceptions and I'm proof of that and there are times where hanging in pays off and it sure did...we couldn't be any happier together and we plan on starting a family soon until he finds another ow...lol...sorry couldnt resist..
jwi71 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 So...what does her lawyer think of dating while going through a divorce? Oh...wait. She cant even SAY divorce must less file for it. Get it? She's nowhere near ready for divorce. She's playing you like a violin. Don't believe me? Her H...who is supposed with her 24x7 and refuses to let her take her cell (paining a picture of a domineering control freak)...is oddly absent when she is with you. And...she IS taking her cell phone. Likely...the truth is she lying her azz off to him and you. Run. Nothing good comes from this my friend...
NOTSURE7 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 She doesn't come out and say divorce. She says that she wants to be with me. She gets very emotional when we talk about it. She says, "Please, don't give up." She asks alot of questions about how I would be if we were together. She asks if I would be faithful. She asks if I will be there through the whole thing. i am assuming you are single? i am a wh who was having an A with a mw,i recently ended my A and i am currently repairing my M... so its a bit different but i can tell you that when she tells you all of these things she is merely just stringing you along and you are a willing participant.. if you are single, why waste your time being played by a mw? i know you want desperately to beleive its all real and that happily ever after is just around the corner but not to be harsh, but please wake up... first off, she is on vacation and living her everyday life,secondly if indeed she ever left her h, which i doubt, you will be dealing with a long,nasty divorce proccess,a pissed xh and if she has kids they become your responsibility too,the fairy tale will be over real quick my friend... if she wanted you and wanted to be with you she would simply leave her H, but why would she do that when she has her cake and is eating it too, what reason does she really have to end her M when she can string you along with promises and i love you's etc etc,be sure about this, SHE IS NOT LEAVING HER H FOR YOU and you should proceed with that in mind.. you might hear 1 story were it worked out but the majority end with the married op staying right were they were in the first place.. i dont mean to sound harsh, just trying to give you the real perspective..
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 She tells you that someday, somehow you will be together. She has no intention of ever divorcing her husband, so the plan is... She wants you to be there for her and be faithful to her, until... You say you have told her you will not wait....wait for what?? Wait for nothing because thats whats coming according to her. But you are here asking why she isnt contacting you. She is on vacation with her H enjoying herself. Get back in your box until she wants to see you again. Thats the deal, thats what you signed up for. She has not changed the terms or conditions.
fooled once Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 She very well may care for you. But the only way she is going to be with you is via an affair. She isn't going to be with you as a single woman because she isn't getting divorced. And yeah, her H isn't chained to her. She is just having fun and doesn't have time to send you cutsey texts - I am figuring the 831 is backwards for the 138 texts meaning "I love you" with out typing it out, just in case her h sees it.
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You want more and she is giving you what she can..And that is, her OM. Her affair partner, nothing more, nothing less. You've let yourself fall inlove and have expectations, hopes and dreams of building a life with her..And she has no intention of leaving/divorcing her husband. She likes things as they are so if you want to continue on, just accept your role as the OM. OR - End it and tell her that you no longer want to be second fiddle and you are sick and tired of being on the rollercoaster ride. That you deserve better..
Author Tx_hrt Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Please don't hold anything back!!! LOL The words you speak are nothing I havent't already thought myself. Thank you for being so straight forward. What is the best way to tell her I am ending. Write a letter? Nothing?
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Please don't hold anything back!!! LOL The words you speak are nothing I havent't already thought myself. Thank you for being so straight forward. What is the best way to tell her I am ending. Write a letter? Nothing? Nothing works for me. She is likely to start calling you to try to figure out why you aren't calling her anymore. I can't believe she won't even talk about divorce. That's the biggest sign that she isn't interested in one. But she wants you to be faithful to her? LOL. Cake-eater. Plain and simple. What flavor are you? (I mean this totally in jest, tx hrt, totally in jest)
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 5 month affair and you...love her? Some people is just delusional. I wonder what her husband would say to that. You need to snap out of it and see it for what it is.
fooled once Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Nothing is my vote too. I don't get why people in 'relationships' with MARRIED people need to call/text/phone to say they are ending it. Just don't answer her calls or her texts. Leave it alone.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Dont call her or text her. In a few months send her a wedding invitation.
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