foreal Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I found this posted on another site...it is for us, the BSs who are struggling with the thoughts of the OW (or OM) taking everything from us... The Other Woman is often looked upon as the one who got it all, the one who took everything of ours, all of our treasures, and added them to her trove of fortune. We think of her as a seductress – tempting – luring our spouses with some magic potion, some essence that is hers alone – with magical skills in love and loving and being beloved. It’s true – she is skilled – but skilled only at being a narcissist and at self-loathing. For only someone suffering from deep self-hatred would accept the crumbs that are thrown her way. With her narcissism the Other Woman tortures us, as she refers to the relationship with our husbands as “love.” It’s rather pathetic that she “feels loved,” but is most often insignificant to our husbands. She could have been anyone, at any given moment, at the right time and given the right circumstance. She is completely pathetic in her delusion of being loved. A wife benefits from all the marriage is worth – love, commitment, fulfilling sex, a home, children and financial security, while the Other Woman reduces herself to accepting merely pornographic sex, manipulative lies, and hotel rooms. So when exposed as the Other Woman, why are we surprised that she sees us as the enemy? We have everything she wants; we’re living in a permanent residence while she pitches her pup-tent outside. She wants inside, to sit at our table, to feast where we feast, but instead she eats from a cardboard box, the leftovers. She wants monogamy but immediately accepts someone who is not faithful. She wants love, but accepts orgasms. She wants a home, but accepts only the bricks. She yearns for the commitment required of marriage; for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse … the absolutes of the marital bond, but she is unwilling to make herself worthy enough of the effort. The Other Woman scoffs that he’s only with us (the wife) out of a sense of responsibility, or a duty to the children … but that it is her he really loves. That their's is a true love, one free from obligation. So if free, then what is it worth? What she calls “free” ends up being worthless. She has nothing, she expends nothing, and gets nothing in return. She, the Other Woman, lives in fear – fear of emotional risk. So she doesn’t risk the relationship getting boring or dented or comfortable, as that is difficult during only a stolen moment here and there. Giving blowjobs freely in the backseat of a car is her primary insurance against monotony. But she, the Other Woman, isn't dumb – she knows that placing any real demands on our husbands will bankrupt her already low-balance account. So she continues the lap dance, as her “lover” inserts a single bill into her G-string, for his five-minute show. Her self-delusion is remarkable. But for the Other Woman, true love never comes her way. Loving someone else is too much trouble, takes too much courage, and requires too much risk; but still she so desperately wants to be loved. Her mistake is that she forgets she loves like she masturbates … she pursues but doesn’t include anyone else but herself.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 While I think this is true in my case, I'm not sure that is the case for all AP. I do believe that some AP are deceived but I do think that these words are valid are needed for some BS to begin the healing process.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Very few people , OW included, are in reality anything like stereotypes.
jwi71 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Foreal, I completely understand your need to demonize the OW. I do...I hated the OM for months. And in many ways the OM/OW have some fairly significant character flaws...I can empathize with the "gist" of what was written. But the interloper isn't the problem. Your spouse is. The OM/OW...drop him or her. In terms of YOUR marriage...not an issue. Not even close. Look to your spouse, look inward...not to the OP. I hope your situation ends in way you can accept. This is still VERY new to you...and the path to recovery, so I'm told takes YEARS. Good luck...
marlena Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I am willing to bet this is one very enraged BS who wrote this. Personally, I think both sides accept crumbs. The only one who gets it all is the MP and that only until the affair is discovered. Then, it's hell for him/her, too.
OWoman Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Interesting post - but nothing like the lived reality many of us experience. I can understand why a BW might want to convince herself of this, but I'm not sure that delusion helps healing.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Wow is that writing inflamatory. I agree with 2sure.
Impudent Oyster Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I am willing to bet this is one very enraged BS who wrote this. Personally, I think both sides accept crumbs. The only one who gets it all is the MP and that only until the affair is discovered. Then, it's hell for him/her, too. I'm glad you added that. For a lot of them it's hell for a whole lot longer...imagine having to live with the fact that you have zero integrity and lied and hurt the person you love most? Unless they have no conscience whatsoever, I imagine (and yes, hope) that it's a very special kind of hell.
taylor Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I think alot of what is written here is delusional thinking. A small portion of it may be true in a handful of cases, but certainly not all, and certainly not in my case. The Other Woman is often looked upon as the one who got it all, the one who took everything of ours, all of our treasures, and added them to her trove of fortune. We think of her as a seductress – tempting – luring our spouses with some magic potion, some essence that is hers alone – with magical skills in love and loving and being beloved. My OM certainly did not feel he "got it all." Not even close. He knew he would never get it all and felt guilty about the part that he did get. He pursued but I also led him on. It was a two way street. It DOES take two to tango. There are no magical skills. No one pretends to have them. My OM just happened to meet some basic needs of mine that weren't getting met at home..no one was asking for or providing a "magic potion"....just some validation that you are worth something...worth loving...worth talking to...worth caring about. Simple, basic needs. It’s true – she is skilled – but skilled only at being a narcissist and at self-loathing. For only someone suffering from deep self-hatred would accept the crumbs that are thrown her way. For some, perhaps serial cheaters, this may be true. But I think in most cases, people enter affairs because they are weak and vulnerable and searching for someone to make them feel good about themselves...not unlike "normal" people who happen upon someone who makes them feel good and with whom they want to spend more time with or get close to. My OM and I were both going thru hard times..in life and in our relationships. We knew how to make each other feel good about ourselves..we knew how to pick each other up. We became each other's saving grace. With her narcissism the Other Woman tortures us, as she refers to the relationship with our husbands as “love.” It’s rather pathetic that she “feels loved,” but is most often insignificant to our husbands. She could have been anyone, at any given moment, at the right time and given the right circumstance. My OM was not insignificant to me. And I don't think most OW/OM are insignificant to the MP. The OW/OM impact us in such a profound way that we choose to cross boundaries and risk alot to be with that person. That isn't insignificant. I did have loving, caring feelings for my OM. And no, he couldn't have been just anyone. I was surrounded by many other men...had many other opportunities...but THIS ONE I clicked with. He "got" me and I "got" him. He was not just some random guy who happened to walk passed me one day. She is completely pathetic in her delusion of being loved. A wife benefits from all the marriage is worth – love, commitment, fulfilling sex, a home, children and financial security, while the Other Woman reduces herself to accepting merely pornographic sex, manipulative lies, and hotel rooms. I think OW/OM devalue the MP's marriage...often because the MP speaks negatively of it. If the MP is not being respectful of his/her own marriage, why should the OW/OM? If a MP is willing to engage in an affair, it gives the OM/OW the impression that the MP could care less about his/her marriage..his partner...and his commitment. I NEVER discussed my husband or my marriage with my OM. But I am sure HE put little value on my marriage since I was by engaging in inappropriate behavior with him. How do you know the sex is pornographic in affairs? If I had had sex with my OM (we came very close) it would have been tender, loving, and romantic....or not at all. While the affair is underway, it is doubtful the wife is "benefitting" from love, committment, and fulfilling sex." Most of the time when affairs are in full force, love is quite absent on the home front, committment is lost, and sex has deteriorated if non-existent...at least it was in my case...and my OM and I didn't even have a sexual relationship. MP engaged in an affair put all their energy and time into the affair, not into their marital partner. So when exposed as the Other Woman, why are we surprised that she sees us as the enemy? We have everything she wants; we’re living in a permanent residence while she pitches her pup-tent outside. She wants inside, to sit at our table, to feast where we feast, but instead she eats from a cardboard box, the leftovers. I don't know if the OP sees the marital spouse as the "enemy." But I do believe the OP sees himself/herself in competition for the MP's affection. But it's the MP who sets up that dynamic. The MP puts himself/herself in a position where an inappropriate bond is formed with another person. This bond vies with the marital bond. The MP is pulled in two directions and feelings are conflicted. It's debatable who's eating crumbs when. I think both the betrayed spouse and the OP eat crumbs while the affair is underway. Only the MP enjoys the feast. She wants monogamy but immediately accepts someone who is not faithful. She wants love, but accepts orgasms. She wants a home, but accepts only the bricks. She yearns for the commitment required of marriage; for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse … the absolutes of the marital bond, but she is unwilling to make herself worthy enough of the effort. This could easily describe the BS..wants monogamy but is married to someone who is not faithful. Wants love...may not even be getting orgasms. Wants a home...but it's torn apart by a distant, cheating spouse who is not investing in those left behind on the homefront. Yearns for committment but gets infidelity instead. And certainly doesn't feel worthy knowing his/her spouse didn't care enough about the marriage to stay faithful in it. The Other Woman scoffs that he’s only with us (the wife) out of a sense of responsibility, or a duty to the children … but that it is her he really loves. That their's is a true love, one free from obligation. I think in some cases, MP do stay in marriage just for the sake of the kids...or for financial reasons. I have one girlfriend poised to divorce as soon as her child finishes high school; and another girlfriend preparing to divorce her alcoholic husband as soon as she can find a job that is self-supporting. She has nothing, she expends nothing, and gets nothing in return. Once a marriage is hit by the devastation of an affair, everyone loses...BS, MP, and OM/OW. Nothing good comes to anyone touched by an affair. All parties involved have many broken pieces of their lives to put back together. Giving blowjobs freely in the backseat of a car is her primary insurance against monotony. If this was all my affair was going to amount to, it would have been easy to walk away from it. I think most affairs involve an element of emotional connection as well as physical attraction..and in many cases, it's the emotional connection that is hardest to walk away from...whether you are the MP or the OM/OW. But she, the Other Woman, isn't dumb – she knows that placing any real demands on our husbands will bankrupt her already low-balance account. So she continues the lap dance, as her “lover” inserts a single bill into her G-string, for his five-minute show. This sounds like a hooker. I certainly was not looking for a hooker when I met and developed a relationship with my OM. I certainly did not see him this way at all. If a MP "sees" his affair partner like this...it's more of a commentary on the character of the MP than the OW/OM...to think the MP would sacrifice his marital partner, kids, home, financial security, etc. for 5 minutes with a hooker. But for the Other Woman, true love never comes her way. I would call it "true love" either if a MP is willing to betray his/her spouse and lie to his/her spouse to have sex with someone else. Loving someone else is too much trouble, takes too much courage, and requires too much risk The MP is the one who must feel it's too much trouble to love his/her spouse..takes too much courage to try...not sure if it's worth the risk. but still she so desperately wants to be loved. And apparently the MP is also desperate to be loved; otherwise, the MP would not risk it all to engage in something so devastating as an affair. I know I was at the time.
PhoenixRise Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Foreal I said in another post I think anger on the part of a BS is good. I stand by that. It is normal and even healthy for someone to be mad has hell when they are deliberately stepped on. You husband stepped on you. AND so did the OW. In your case, the OW was someone who you thought was a friend to you and also a friend to your marriage. She knew your husband was vunerable because you confided in her. She took your confidence and used it to move in on your H. I would be mad as hell too. I too would be trying to figure out what the hell kind of woman does this. Surely not a woman with any sense of dignity, compassion or integrity. The article you posted MAY fit her to a t. But it does paint with a broad brush. I don't think that all OW are like this any more than all BS are the passionless, life sucking drones many AP like to believe we are. (((foreal))) Keep posting. Keep working this out for yourself. It will get better.
fooled once Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Foreal I said in another post I think anger on the part of a BS is good. I stand by that. It is normal and even healthy for someone to be mad has hell when they are deliberately stepped on. You husband stepped on you. AND so did the OW. In your case, the OW was someone who you thought was a friend to you and also a friend to your marriage. She knew your husband was vunerable because you confided in her. She took your confidence and used it to move in on your H. I would be mad as hell too. I too would be trying to figure out what the hell kind of woman does this. Surely not a woman with any sense of dignity, compassion or integrity. The article you posted MAY fit her to a t. But it does paint with a broad brush. I don't think that all OW are like this any more than all BS are the passionless, life sucking drones many AP like to believe we are. (((foreal))) Keep posting. Keep working this out for yourself. It will get better. I agree. And I am glad the foreal is posting to help her heal. I hope others let her post without nit picking her posts and saying mean things. I hope they let her work through her feelings; for her H and for the OW, a former trusted friend. Give her that - and we know that not all OW are meanies and not all BS's are meanies. Some are; some aren't. IN THIS CASE, the OW was a MEANIE.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I agree. And I am glad the foreal is posting to help her heal. I hope others let her post without nit picking her posts and saying mean things. I hope they let her work through her feelings; for her H and for the OW, a former trusted friend. Give her that - and we know that not all OW are meanies and not all BS's are meanies. Some are; some aren't. IN THIS CASE, the OW was a MEANIE. Meanie. :DNice an polite. My mind came up with something else.
Reggie Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I think many OM/OWs are a different breed of cat, as well. I could not imagine that existence is any fun, and it clearly shows a major character flaw. But, as one poster points out, the BS is not really getting much out of the marriage, usually. I don't remember getting much affection or good treatment for years before I discovered the affair. I was, actually, prtyy okay with the OM taking her off my hands. Let him live the type of hellish existence one does with a NPD.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Foreal I said in another post I think anger on the part of a BS is good. I stand by that. It is normal and even healthy for someone to be mad has hell when they are deliberately stepped on. You husband stepped on you. AND so did the OW. In your case, the OW was someone who you thought was a friend to you and also a friend to your marriage. She knew your husband was vunerable because you confided in her. She took your confidence and used it to move in on your H. I would be mad as hell too. I too would be trying to figure out what the hell kind of woman does this. Surely not a woman with any sense of dignity, compassion or integrity. The article you posted MAY fit her to a t. But it does paint with a broad brush. I don't think that all OW are like this any more than all BS are the passionless, life sucking drones many AP like to believe we are. (((foreal))) Keep posting. Keep working this out for yourself. It will get better. I agree. I did not know foreal's story that the OW was a wolf in friend's clothing. I can't imagine the pain of such a double betrayal.
Gamine Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Foreal knew what she was doing when she shared this post from another obviously very angry and yes, bitter BS (understandably so)...the heading alone is inflammatory...what in the world is "the OW loves like she Masterbates (sic)"???????... foreal, why did you share this piece here? what did you hope to get? where you trying to express your real emotions through this piece? And, what if she was? What if that is how she sees the OW? I've read more than my share of mud slinging ridiculous statements on the OW/OM forum concerning the 'overweight', 'sexless', 'shrews', who are so irrational as to want to remain married to a cheater... When, ironically, they want to be involved with, be in love with, sleep with, and/or marry the very same cheater themselves. Wives are losers for wanting to stay with their husbands according to the OW. Then what, using that logic, is the OW for wanting the very same man? I swear, I'd love it if everyone had to use their own photograph as their avatar. I think it would shed an enormous amount of light and clarity to the posts.
PhoenixRise Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I agree and while Lizzie may have shared her disgust a little more shall I say direct It goes back to you... yes, this is a BS that posted this, but OW do get hurt and some may choose to throw dirt back. Foreal isn't the only one dealing with an Affair. Reggie is right, you have the right to judge but if you are going to post such negativity and to some extent support it ( by posting it) be prepared for responses just as difficult to read as the initial post. Personally, I found it absolutely disgusting and while venting is expected, perhaps the journal area would be more appropriate and garner less negative responses from OW who do not fit the mold given by the original poster. Again, your choice where you post and of course what, but don't expect all to be so gracious in saying what they are thinking. I think Foreal will be able to handle any dirt that comes her way as a result of her post. I don't think what she posted is any more vile or disgusting than some of the denigrating insults hurled at BS on the OW/OM forum. AND generally when a BS objects to this they are told in no uncertain terms that the OW/OM forum is their forum and posters should be able to vent if they wish to even if their anger is misdirected. As I said before, it looks to me like the original post fit the description of the OW in Foreal's situation to a T. So it is not surprising to me that so soon after dday, Foreal is still painting with a very broad brush. Early in this thread, I as well as other posters pointed out that not all OW fit this description but if this is how Foreal is feeling right now then she posted her feelings in the appropriate forum. Foreal may not be the only person dealing with an affair, but she IS the only person in her situation who DID NOT volunteer to be in a triangle and did not sign up for the pain that happened as a result of other people's actions. If it is understandable to OW/OM that in their forum people might post highly negative things about a BS who has done nothing to harm them other than be married to the person the OW/OM wants to be with, why is it NOT understandable that a BS might have and post in the infidelity forum highly negative feelings about an OW who, in Foreal's case, deliberately tried to cause harm and steal her husband away.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 This thread is safely ensconsed in the Infidelity Forum, where it belongs for a venting BW. Why am I not surprised at the level of hypocrisy of some of the OWs that can't just let her vent her pain and get some support? This is why there will always be complaints on both boards about who belongs where (in the forums). And truth be told, if someone stayed where they belonged, this BW wouldn't even be in this painful position. (Waiting to see how long before some OP thinks I'm talking about them....)
AlektraClementine Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 It goes back to you... yes, this is a BS that posted this, but OW do get hurt and some may choose to throw dirt back. Foreal isn't the only one dealing with an Affair. I got a question. And I'm going to try to refrain from bashing because it would be entirely useless. But what I find difficult to understand is how an OW could possibly expect ANY sympathy from a BS. Why would a BS care if ANYTHING causes the OW pain? And why would she care if the OW has to "deal" with the affair? To put it in the most elementary of terms, "She started it". The BS was minding her own business when you (OW) came along. In what universe do you live in that you expect sympathy from the woman who's life you just trampled all over? In what universe do you expect kindness and minced words to spare YOUR feelings after you've just effed her husband? I'm sorry, but that's just bizarre.
jwi71 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 (Waiting to see how long before some OP thinks I'm talking about them....) You were done waiting before this thread hit page two. Feeling sleepy? Missed a few posts perhaps ?...have some coffee...and the McDonald's coffee is actually quite good...I highly recommend it (cheaper than the other well known Seattle based chain which shall go unnamed less they think I'm talking about them) JW
fooled once Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I got a question. And I'm going to try to refrain from bashing because it would be entirely useless. But what I find difficult to understand is how an OW could possibly expect ANY sympathy from a BS. Why would a BS care if ANYTHING causes the OW pain? And why would she care if the OW has to "deal" with the affair? To put it in the most elementary of terms, "She started it". The BS was minding her own business when you (OW) came along. In what universe do you live in that you expect sympathy from the woman who's life you just trampled all over? In what universe do you expect kindness and minced words to spare YOUR feelings after you've just effed her husband? I'm sorry, but that's just bizarre. I totally agree. And Lizzie, I too think your post was mean I enjoy your posts a lot, although I disagree with your lifstyle, I *hmm* respect the fact that you aren't out to marry these MM you sleep with. You refrain from falling in love with them and wanting them to break of their families. The OP posted in this forum because so many OW/OM have said to stay out of the OM/OW forum and she did and what happens, she gets slammed by OW Which is it ladies? You can't have it both ways. And yes, can we PLEASE stop the name calling. Does weight really matter? And we all know that MM lie so when they proclaim their wives don't want sex, surely no one really believes this. So please - let's stop with all the name calling *sigh*
OpenBook Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Does weight really matter? Yes it does, to most men. Ignore this ugly truth at your own peril. (the general "your") And we all know that MM lie so when they proclaim their wives don't want sex, surely no one really believes this. I believe it. I've witnessed too many W's (including posters on this board) who are constantly de-emphasizing the importance of having sex with their H's and making sure their H's are satisfied. These W's only have sex when THEY'RE in the mood... and they completely disregard their H's needs and desires. I know no man who would be happy under these conditions where not only does somebody else dictate when they will have sex, but also controlling how they SHOULD FEEL about not getting it as often as they'd like. It's no wonder why MM cheat. They're being starved.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yes it does, to most men. Ignore this ugly truth at your own peril. (the general "your") I believe it. I've witnessed too many W's (including posters on this board) who are constantly de-emphasizing the importance of having sex with their H's and making sure their H's are satisfied. These W's only have sex when THEY'RE in the mood... and they completely disregard their H's needs and desires. I know no man who would be happy under these conditions where not only does somebody else dictate when they will have sex, but also controlling how they SHOULD FEEL about not getting it as often as they'd like. It's no wonder why MM cheat. They're being starved. This made me LOL. Seriously. I think if a woman isn't in the mood she is perfectly within her rights for turning down unwanted sexual advances. Even from her own husband. He's not in charge of what she allows here. He can't make her. I agree that both need to meet at a middle ground. But that middle ground is not him demanding sex all the time nor her turning it down. When a married man uses sex as an excuse to have an affair, he's really saying "I don't care about her wants" as well.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You were done waiting before this thread hit page two. Feeling sleepy? Missed a few posts perhaps ?...have some coffee...and the McDonald's coffee is actually quite good...I highly recommend it (cheaper than the other well known Seattle based chain which shall go unnamed less they think I'm talking about them) JW LOL. I LOVE McDonald's premium roast! It really IS the BEST!!! I saw the first page. I was hoping to avoid more trips into this thread by anyone thinking that I was blaming them for being where they didn't belong.
AlektraClementine Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yes it does, to most men. Ignore this ugly truth at your own peril. (the general "your") I believe it. I've witnessed too many W's (including posters on this board) who are constantly de-emphasizing the importance of having sex with their H's and making sure their H's are satisfied. These W's only have sex when THEY'RE in the mood... and they completely disregard their H's needs and desires. I know no man who would be happy under these conditions where not only does somebody else dictate when they will have sex, but also controlling how they SHOULD FEEL about not getting it as often as they'd like. It's no wonder why MM cheat. They're being starved. I don't think it's so much "de-emphasizing" the importance of sex as it is maybe they just want to have sex with their husbands anymore. Men can become just as unattractive in their wives eyes as as the vice versa. Maybe if they spent more time "pea cocking" for their wives as they do these OW, they might get a little more play at home. A little secret? Women like to be turned on when having sex. We don't simply exist to "give it up" because he needs to be satisfied. If she's not giving it up, believe me....most likely it's because he's let himself go too. Getting off topic though.
Ariadne Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 OMG... the OW in this post could have been replaced by W... and it would have been the same thing.. Written by a very very bitter BS... Maybe she should run to the nearest Chapters and get 'Chicken Soup for the Fat Azz Frigid Housewife' You forgot, pointing the finger and nagging with a screeching voice.
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