She left me for somebody else straight away

[Darren09]

Girlfriend of almost 6 years left me for somebody else almost straight away but denies it. The person she left me for has splatted pics n stuff all over facebook and i asked her about it and she denies everything WTF? she says she wants me in her life as a friend, but never speaks to me. forgot my birthday on saturday. booked a holiday to florida (am guessin shes off wi him) just like that.

 

I spent pretty much everyday with her and now i spend my days alone. its such a big change its quite hard to cope! i cant see anyway to get her off my mind with what ever i do. i am so inlove with her. i just couldnt do this to her at all. we both live quite close so its so hard to forget her. and if i see her with this guy somewhere i fink it would actually kill me entirely. Really dont know what to do at all. am hurting so bad. i was calling and textin her to try n tell her how i feel and it just didnt work now i fink shes trying to pretend i dont exist? any thoughts on this would mean alot thanks

[ATR]

Girls nearly always have someone lined up before they decide to pull the plug.

In a few days you will probably be angry at her about this, and it will help you to move on, this is a blessing in disguse.

 

She may be lying to you so that if things dont pull through with this guy, she can come straight back to you... untill she finds someone else. Don't put up with this, don't be treated like a doormat. She is not worth it.

 

Go NC from now on, that means no texting, no calls, no email. Delete her off your phone, facebook, messenger etc etc.

 

Good luck!

[seb01]

same things just happened 2 me was with her for 5years and is now seeing some one else already i know what ur going through and its crap i have not seen them together yet and i dont really want to yet so i am keeping out the way just done day 20 nc i will not make contact she knows where i am .but there is no point at all chasing them!!!

[Darren09]

I feel relief that am not only one going thru this, i have gone 4 days without any contact. i was really trying my hardest to talk to her because of the way i feel. now am getting it in my head that if there was anything to say she would say it. i was looking at her facebook all time n seeing what she was putting to this ova guy. Felt sick inside. but i blocked her off everything now. i deleted her number so i cant send texts or call. am just undicided whether to change my number all together? this is worst thing av been thru in my life so far am only 22.

[boogieboy]

Dont worry bro, you will get over her. It will just take some time. Just keep busy and keep away from her. The co-dependency feeling is the void youre feeling. It will take a few months, but its a lesson learned, not to give all of your heart away, you need to save a little for yourself just in case. Also, she might have left because some women need a challenge of your heart. If you give her all of it, they get bored and go for another challenge. Read this and you will see how it works:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3

[DustySaltus]

Girls nearly always have someone lined up before they decide to pull the plug.

 

I disagree. A strong person doesn't need to have someone waiting in the wings to realize that the person they are with is not for them.

[seb01]

saying that my first girlfreind was with her for about 4 years and she left me I left her alone and she came back to me was with her for 12 years more then the relationship just fizzled out so sometimes they do return but dont assume tho they will

[Beardy]

Going through exactly the same thing mate. My girl of 5 1/2 years dumped me, insisted there was no-one else, then I find out three months down the line of healing that she hooked up with a semi-famous US actor (we're both in the UK) almost immediately (perhaps even before) we split up.

 

I found this out last week and it felt like I had been setback right to the start of my healing process. Today, it still hurts, but like someone said previously - this is a blessing in disguise. You can see what she is really like and take her off her pedestal.

 

As far as I'm concerned, this is the final hurdle. The hope is nearly gone (only problem is I kind of hope she's in a classic rebound/GIGS situation which will blow up in her face and she'll come running back!).

 

You'll get through this mate and if you really try hard to focus on you now rather than you and her in the past, you'll be a better person for it!

 

Good luck bud!

[Darren09]

I keep thinking if it was me who found someone else i just wouldnt act like a coward ad tell them the truth i would never do what she has done. Its so hard i keep looking at my phone with some sort of hope that she will text or ring? dont know why at all? am just not living in reality. She called sunday morning at about 9am but i totally ignored it. I want her to come running back of course i do. but is she really the person i think she is deep down?? cant be

[CaliGuy]

I disagree. A strong person doesn't need to have someone waiting in the wings to realize that the person they are with is not for them.

 

While I agree to some extent, women are just not like that (in general). It's normally when they meet someone else that they realize they are more attracted to the "stranger" than the person they've dated for XX years.

 

So, strong or not, normally they DO have someone else lined up and they start pulling away days, weeks, months before they actually pull the trigger. This is very typical of the demise of a relationship because the guy is usually blindsided (not paying attention to red flags).

 

Girlfriend of almost 6 years left me for somebody else almost straight away but denies it. The person she left me for has splatted pics n stuff all over facebook and i asked her about it and she denies everything WTF? she says she wants me in her life as a friend, but never speaks to me. forgot my birthday on saturday. booked a holiday to florida (am guessin shes off wi him) just like that.

 

I spent pretty much everyday with her and now i spend my days alone. its such a big change its quite hard to cope! i cant see anyway to get her off my mind with what ever i do. i am so inlove with her. i just couldnt do this to her at all. we both live quite close so its so hard to forget her. and if i see her with this guy somewhere i fink it would actually kill me entirely. Really dont know what to do at all. am hurting so bad. i was calling and textin her to try n tell her how i feel and it just didnt work now i fink shes trying to pretend i dont exist? any thoughts on this would mean alot thanks

 

I realize this advice is going to be hard for you to not only accept but implement into your life and daily routine. The number one thing you have to do is not contact her. No matter what (unless it's an emergency like someone is hospitalized, not a bill that came in or something).

 

You're making things worse for yourself by doing any sort of begging, pleading, etc. None of that will make her change her mind. It will, however, cement her decision to leave. For your own sake, you need to go "cold turkey" with her. I realize you have 6 years together and your situation sucks, but we've all been there and we've all made the same mistakes you are making (and are about to make).

 

When someone decides to leave, the new relationship is going to be exciting to them. The person who is left is seen, for lack of a better term, as an "old worn out shoe." That is how she sees you right now. So the more you contact her, the worse you are making things. She knows you by now, and quite well I might add. She knows your strengths and weaknesses.

 

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and doing things to make you happy. It will take your mind off her. I suggest: Hanging out with friends, working out/exercising (a lot!), reading any self-help books, Counseling (if you can afford it). One book that I always recommend to men is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover) because the book talks a lot about how to build confidence and self-esteem, how to pass women's "tests" and how not to be a "door mat" towards other people, not just women (Co-workers, Bosses, etc). I think reading that book will help you understand what you need to do in this situation.

 

Above all, don't cling to the hope of a reconciliation. That is the worst thing you can do. And frankly, all it really does is guarantee that it won't happen at all. Because if getting her back is your main focus in life, you will do all the wrong things that will only push her away further. Trust me, I've made these mistakes many times. The best thing you can do is say to yourself "Ok, she left. That frees me up to find someone who BETTER!" and DO IT.

 

If you do this, if you maintain NO CONTACT with her (that means do not respond to her unless she is beating down your front door - literally!), several things will happen:

1. You'll get over her much faster.

2. You most likely will someone better for you.

3. If she decides she wants you back, it will be on her own accord (and nothing you did to "convince" her because you can't MAKE people love you. They do or they don't.)

4. If #3 happens, you will be in a better position to say yes or no. Most likely NO because you'll be a much stronger, confident person when you step outside the relationship and see her for who she really is.

 

Frankly, if someone can walk away from you the best thing to do is LET THEM. I know that's hard. I know love makes us do crazy things. But the only person you control in this life is YOU. And you're much better off focusing on the people who want to be with you, not the ones who walk away.

 

Sorry, I know this probably isn't the advice you are looking for, but given that I've been in your shoes a time or two, this is what I have found works the best, at least for me. You can try and chase her if you want, but I believe your efforts will be futile. Relationships in your situations typically follow the same pattern and if you want to get to a good position in your life, the best thing to do is the same thing.

 

Walk away. From her, from that relationship.

 

Trust me. There will be someone else, but you won't find them focusing your energy and emotions on someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

One last thing. Delete her from Facebook, from IM, etc. Any way for her to contact you online. I would change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" (Let all her calls go to VM). Let her WONDER what you are doing and what you are up to, don't remove all doubt.

 

You'll thank me for this one later.

[EmperorR]

That's life man sorry I know all to well, my ex fiancé in a week screwed some guy half away across the world on vacation came back dumped me a week later in another relationship.

 

Nothing you can do but hang on to your dignity listen to Cali guy and move on with your life.

 

I know how it is you think you know thos person, how can we be together for years and one day they change don't even contact me or anything while your sittif aroud jumping at every phone call etc

 

been there and the pain sucks

 

Cali guy basically said everything that needs to be said, I did the begging pleading flowers poems expressig my love and it only made me look like a pathetic loser.

 

And as h mentioned your ex probably emotionally detached weeks or months in advance that's why Its so easy for her to move on and not contact you etc.

 

She probably mentioned that you weren't given her enough attention mayer or repeating your bad habits, or the sex and intimacy was getting less and less.

 

You never See the signs till after the fact.

[DustySaltus]

I would change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" (Let all her calls go to VM).

 

That's a good one, I never though of that.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It happened to me too. lol.

 

Trust me it gets better and You need to go nC. Erase her number from your phone, block her email address, erase her off of your facebook and myspace, list yourself as single and enjoy life without her. You was single before her so you have to reaquaint yourself with the single life which aint half bad.

 

The thing is she's lying, females do that. they all lie because if they told you the truth they would feel like scum and in order for her to do what she's doing she must have a clear conscious so it's easier to lie to you rather than knowing the truth.

 

(men too)

 

But at the end of the day you gotta take care of yourself and the hell with her. Once you move on she'll start sniffing around you again. Laugh in her face and slam the door in her eye. You dont need her. And if she comes back dont take her back.

 

Give her back all gifts or anything you have of hers to cleanse yourself of the memories.

[CaliGuy]

I would change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" (Let all her calls go to VM).

 

That's a good one, I never though of that.

 

I just mentioned this in another thread but I'll say it to you. Just a few caveats!

 

You don't owe her anything.

 

Give her what she wanted, freedom from you! Disappear from her life completely!

 

Don't give her access to your life or your friendship. That is for people who love and respect you, not people who take you for granted.

 

Being friends with an ex is the same as saying "I'll take any scraps of attention from you." This simply boosts their self-esteem and destroys yours. Especially exes you are in love with still.

[Beeotch]

Girlfriend of almost 6 years left me for somebody else almost straight away but denies it. The person she left me for has splatted pics n stuff all over facebook and i asked her about it and she denies everything WTF? she says she wants me in her life as a friend, but never speaks to me. forgot my birthday on saturday. booked a holiday to florida (am guessin shes off wi him) just like that.

 

I spent pretty much everyday with her and now i spend my days alone. its such a big change its quite hard to cope! i cant see anyway to get her off my mind with what ever i do. i am so inlove with her. i just couldnt do this to her at all. we both live quite close so its so hard to forget her. and if i see her with this guy somewhere i fink it would actually kill me entirely. Really dont know what to do at all. am hurting so bad. i was calling and textin her to try n tell her how i feel and it just didnt work now i fink shes trying to pretend i dont exist? any thoughts on this would mean alot thanks

 

I would keep a journal or write emails (BUT DON'T SEND THEM) to express you feelings and help you sort them out.

 

Or perhaps write her a final email getting everything out there once and for all and then vow to move on.

 

If she is ignoring you...I suggest you follow suit and ignore her in return esp if she has a new man. I can imagine how unbearable the pain must be...believe me...and it will hurt terribly for quite a while BUT you have to purposefully make it your goal to get over her. This means ACTIVELY working on it: new hobby, work, friends, new love interest etc.

 

I don't suggest that you try to ignore your feelings...WORST thing. Acknowledge you feel like shyt, write it out, talk to a friend about, vent to yourself...DEAL WITH IT. Know it is normal, healthy and okay to do this so long as you have resolved to move forward with your life. Vow not to look back (except for the red flags and mistakes which can help you with your future relationships)

 

View it as this woman freeing you. She has a new man and is ignoring you. That is not love. So although you love her, she doesn't love you. Hard pill to swallow but view this as a new beginning to find someone else who will perhaps make you twice as happy!

[Nuala83]

 

I realize this advice is going to be hard for you to not only accept but implement into your life and daily routine. The number one thing you have to do is not contact her. No matter what (unless it's an emergency like someone is hospitalized, not a bill that came in or something).

 

You're making things worse for yourself by doing any sort of begging, pleading, etc. None of that will make her change her mind. It will, however, cement her decision to leave. For your own sake, you need to go "cold turkey" with her. I realize you have 6 years together and your situation sucks, but we've all been there and we've all made the same mistakes you are making (and are about to make).

 

When someone decides to leave, the new relationship is going to be exciting to them. The person who is left is seen, for lack of a better term, as an "old worn out shoe." That is how she sees you right now. So the more you contact her, the worse you are making things. She knows you by now, and quite well I might add. She knows your strengths and weaknesses.

 

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and doing things to make you happy. It will take your mind off her. I suggest: Hanging out with friends, working out/exercising (a lot!), reading any self-help books, Counseling (if you can afford it). One book that I always recommend to men is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover) because the book talks a lot about how to build confidence and self-esteem, how to pass women's "tests" and how not to be a "door mat" towards other people, not just women (Co-workers, Bosses, etc). I think reading that book will help you understand what you need to do in this situation.

 

Above all, don't cling to the hope of a reconciliation. That is the worst thing you can do. And frankly, all it really does is guarantee that it won't happen at all. Because if getting her back is your main focus in life, you will do all the wrong things that will only push her away further. Trust me, I've made these mistakes many times. The best thing you can do is say to yourself "Ok, she left. That frees me up to find someone who BETTER!" and DO IT.

 

If you do this, if you maintain NO CONTACT with her (that means do not respond to her unless she is beating down your front door - literally!), several things will happen:

1. You'll get over her much faster.

2. You most likely will someone better for you.

3. If she decides she wants you back, it will be on her own accord (and nothing you did to "convince" her because you can't MAKE people love you. They do or they don't.)

4. If #3 happens, you will be in a better position to say yes or no. Most likely NO because you'll be a much stronger, confident person when you step outside the relationship and see her for who she really is.

 

Frankly, if someone can walk away from you the best thing to do is LET THEM. I know that's hard. I know love makes us do crazy things. But the only person you control in this life is YOU. And you're much better off focusing on the people who want to be with you, not the ones who walk away.

 

Sorry, I know this probably isn't the advice you are looking for, but given that I've been in your shoes a time or two, this is what I have found works the best, at least for me. You can try and chase her if you want, but I believe your efforts will be futile. Relationships in your situations typically follow the same pattern and if you want to get to a good position in your life, the best thing to do is the same thing.

 

Walk away. From her, from that relationship.

 

Trust me. There will be someone else, but you won't find them focusing your energy and emotions on someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

One last thing. Delete her from Facebook, from IM, etc. Any way for her to contact you online. I would change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" (Let all her calls go to VM). Let her WONDER what you are doing and what you are up to, don't remove all doubt.

 

You'll thank me for this one later.

 

This is excellent advice. He's right though, it's not what anyone who's broken up wants to hear but I can tell you from my personal experience it is the right thing to do. I ignored this advice when I first came to this forum. I was convinced my situation was somehow different from anyone elses but it wasn't! I hate the term NC so I won't use it but I do agree that you have to keep right away from your ex for a long time so you can allow yourself to grieve. And it is important to grieve. Then you take it from there. Keeping in contact with my ex brought me tremendous pain and I know many others here will say the same.

 

p.s. Thanks CG

[Darren09]

it is quite a big step going No Contact but at the moment i have had 1 missed call which was on sunday and it seems easier to maintain aslong as they are not trying to contact me. Now that she is with someone else am kinda hoping that it all blows up in her face eventually. i know it wont be any time soon but nobodys perfect and i jus hope this new guy aint all wat he seems. i dont wanna sound awful but she screwed me over and i dont want her back cause she would do it again. thanks for all the advice am going to be the bigger guy here and take this advice and stick to it. i love her with all my heart but i cant have things my way so whats point in all this? am walking away from something i dont wanna walk away from. but if she loved me the way i do she would be laid here now watchin this movie with me. i dont sleep around so not bothered about other girls. think i need to get over this which could take along time

[CaliGuy]

This is excellent advice. He's right though, it's not what anyone who's broken up wants to hear but I can tell you from my personal experience it is the right thing to do. I ignored this advice when I first came to this forum. I was convinced my situation was somehow different from anyone elses but it wasn't! I hate the term NC so I won't use it but I do agree that you have to keep right away from your ex for a long time so you can allow yourself to grieve. And it is important to grieve. Then you take it from there. Keeping in contact with my ex brought me tremendous pain and I know many others here will say the same.

 

p.s. Thanks CG

 

You're welcome. And, FWIW, I was in your spot too. I also thought I was different than everyone else. Not so! FOR SURE!

 

it is quite a big step going No Contact but at the moment i have had 1 missed call which was on sunday and it seems easier to maintain aslong as they are not trying to contact me. Now that she is with someone else am kinda hoping that it all blows up in her face eventually. i know it wont be any time soon but nobodys perfect and i jus hope this new guy aint all wat he seems. i dont wanna sound awful but she screwed me over and i dont want her back cause she would do it again. thanks for all the advice am going to be the bigger guy here and take this advice and stick to it. i love her with all my heart but i cant have things my way so whats point in all this? am walking away from something i dont wanna walk away from. but if she loved me the way i do she would be laid here now watchin this movie with me. i dont sleep around so not bothered about other girls. think i need to get over this which could take along time

 

As long as she is with another guy and you keep that image in your mind, NC isn't that hard at all.

 

Who wants to talk to someone you love who is giving that "love" to someone else?

 

NO THANKS!

[scienceguy]

Ex did the same thing to me as well. Personally, I'd like to take some sort of poll to see how many guys were dumped by a girl and found out their ex was seeing somebody else at the same time...

 

Anyways, give yourself some time to grieve over the loss of your relationship but also force yourself to move on with your life. One of the best things you can do, aside from follow CaliGuy's excellent advice, is to travel.

 

I spent a couple months abroad, volunteering in Latin America, and it was a wonderful experience. Understand that you won't put the relationship behind you anytime soon--six years is a long time to be with someone. But going abroad will make you a much stronger person and give you some perspective.

[NightLord1]

Cali guy pretty much said it all in his very well written post.

 

Women really do emotionally detach themselves from the relationship however long before they cut the chord because it gives them better control. And that means control over YOU.

 

Women are used to having guys after a break up do the typically begging, pleading, apologizing, etc. and what does it accomplish? NOTHING it only makes them even MORE in control.

 

Any woman that can control a guy in ANY way will automatically be turned off by them. Men are not meant to be the ones with estrogen and if a girl can control a dude and make them a spineless pile of pudding they will look at you as just another girlfriend.

 

NC what so ever and if she cheated once she will more then likely do it again so I say ignore her for good.

 

Regards,

[Nuala83]

Ex did the same thing to me as well. Personally, I'd like to take some sort of poll to see how many guys were dumped by a girl and found out their ex was seeing somebody else at the same time...

 

 

And girls science guy, don't forget all the ladies out there who have been screwed over by their men. I'd like to see that poll. I'd also like to know how many of the ex's denied they were seeing someone else yet flaunted the other person all over the place. That's what kept me around for so long, his word that he wasn't seeing anyone else and that if he could be in a relationship it'd be with me. Man that guy made a grade A fool out of me.

[EmperorR]

Eh I got all of that he's just a friend I don't want to date, All bs. That's why you cut the chord asap, what you don't know can't hurt you

[silic0ntoad]

Hey guys/gals... This is my first post here so I wanted to say hi.

 

My ex didn't leave me for someone else, but I can verify, Caliguy is 100% right. NC is the only way to truly move on. Otherwise you are keeping a corpse unburied.

 

-Bri