New guy here

[DukeHa]

Hi everyone,

After months of self-therapy, I decided to try this forum as a means of an outlet in hopes of maybe receiving some tips of how to cope with my heartache. Sorry, but this is a long post so thank you in advance to all who read it.

 

I met "Aby" (not her real name, but close) in 2004 when we both worked at the "Happiest Place on Earth". I am your prototypical "nice" guy that was trying to get over unrequited love when she stepped into my life. She was very beautiful, but I did not have an immediate attraction to her in that way. What I didn't know at the time, was that she had a huge crush on me but nevertheless, we soon became best friends as I would give her rides home after work and we would spend long hours talking about our lives together. She was even my date to my brother's wedding that year, as I had no girlfriend. Shortly afterwards, we became more than friends and made it official on March 28th of that year. I asked her to be mine right in the middle of the esplanade between Disneyland and California Adventure as we danced by ourselves at 2 am.

 

Like any couple, we had our good and bad moments but for the most part, we had a very healthy relationship and were very much in love. She had lived with her aunt and uncle who were basically her parents and I was VERY close to them. We often had dinner with them once a month and they envisioned us being married one day. Aby was my "first" and I was her "2nd". She had lost hers to someone who never treated her like his girlfriend even going so far as to never acknowledging her in public, so in a sense I truly felt like her "first" as well. The only potential obstacle in the road was the age gap between us and her schooling which could send her far away. She was 20 at the time and I was 28. We both eventually quit the "Happiest Place on Earth" and moved in together in 2006 to a very beautiful city to allow her to be near her school because she didn't drive. I loved her so much that my new job allowed me to pay for the entire apartment which was very pricey ($1500 a month before utilities for a Jr. bedroom apartment.) I wanted her to solely concentrate on school and I didn't mind taking care of the rest.

 

I was laid off of my comfort job in January and in June 2008, she obtained her BA and graduated one of the highest in her class (she's a beautiful brain). She then decided to do a complete 180 from her major and pursue her dream of make-up artistry. I fully supported her to follow her dreams and to not live life in regret. So she researched the best schools around and was fascinated by a prestigious school in Vancouver, Canada. When she was accepted, we both found out her term was for a year. She left me on the morning of August 26th, 2008 with tears in her eyes and a heart torn in two. We agreed to try and make it work while she was away. Her face that morning still haunts me to this very day.

 

We communicated everyday on Skype and did the usual asking how each other's days were. My life at this point was working 7 days a week at 2 jobs although they were much more fulfilling. I had thought that I would just keep myself busy while she was gone and that way before I knew it, she would be home. Unfortunately, things started to go bad in November. She started having more fun with her new friends and I started feeling like less a priority to her and felt more like a burden or anchor than her boyfriend. I have 3 art degrees, but still felt very lost in life as far as where my path leads. I felt I could no longer contribute in our relationship as I was just bringing her down when she asked how my day was and my reply was "just worked".

 

I chose the painful choice of breaking up with her on November 4th as the US elected our new president. The choice still haunts me, but I had a feeling it would've come eventually, if not by me, then by her. I set her free because I wanted her to be free to pursue what she was looking for without me holding her back. The ironic thing was that the first week she got to Canada, she called me crying and wanting to come home to be with me, but I convinced her to give it a try because I didn't want her to live her life thinking "what if" and didn't want her to be stuck here with some unfulfilling job that she may hate because she chose me over her dream.

 

About 2-3 weeks after our break-up, she called me saying she was getting close to someone and it could lead there romantically. I was heartbroken and uncharacteristically broke down over the phone telling her I loved her, but she was free to be with whom her heart wanted to be with. I ended up forcing myself to go to Vegas with my cousins (who I now live with) Thanksgiving weekend and other than dancing in clubs, had a miserable time. Every where I looked I saw happy couples and saw Aby's face. I guess in societies terms, I'm one of those boring people because I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs...I don't even gamble. She on the other hand was of irish decent, so I found out she was drinking and partying heavily again.

 

Over the next couple of months, she had called me wishing me Merry Christmas and then Happy New Year. Unfortunately, it was on New Year's that she basically implied she did not love me that way anymore and only thought of me as her best friend again. We both agreed that I should/would delete her from my Facebook so that I could start the healing process (and so I didn't need to see any new men in her life). We stopped talking for about 2 months when she called me out of the blue in February needing to talk about love problems. The conversation was civil but I was still devastated (and a bit insulted) and told her I couldn't be her friend right now and that it hurt to hear about her heartache over another guy.

 

My new job had a lot of downtime and I spent a lot of time surfing the internet. I read stories of tragic love and how untimely death took the union of two people who were meant to be. My heartache at this point was up and down. Some days were better than others. In May, after reading all of the stories, I decided to contact her to see how she was doing. I ended up talking to her for about 15 minutes and she revealed to me (at my request) that she had a new boyfriend and he was right next to her as we spoke. She apologized with tremendous empathy. I was crushed but told her I will be ok and if she could do me one small favor..."Don't let him break your heart, because I will go crazy". Since then I have done numerous things to get over he, even more so than before. But yet she still haunts my mind everyday.

 

Throughout all this, I continued having monthly dinners/lunches with her aunt and uncle and we all agreed that she had changed. Changed for the better or for the worse, that all depends on who's point of view I guess. Her aunt and uncle feel just as abandoned because the last time Aby contacted them was Christmas. They also revealed to me that they found out through Aby's grandmother, that she is moving to Montreal with her new boyfriend and he is paying for her Grad school and taking her to Europe after her make-up schooling is done, which should be the end of August 2009. Aby was never known to be a gold digger or money hungry so I am not convinced she's in it for the security (but I could be wrong). I guess it is kind of bitter sweet for me knowing that someone loves her enough to take care of her like I did, but could give her the things I always wanted to, but couldn't...at least financially.

 

She was my first serious girlfriend. I have dated numerous girls over the years, but nothing seemed to have blossomed from it be it fault of mine or whatever. I take my relationships very seriously (probably why I am so good at dates and anniversaries) which is why I "gave" myself to her because I felt she was the perfect one for my "first time". She was truly kind, sweet, and loved me for everything I am...all of my faults. Something you don't find too often living in Southern California. It was the most pure love that I've ever felt or seen. Nothing ever seemed like work for me. She did not drive, but I was happy taking her to where she needed to go, be it the grocery store or school. I loved her so much and didn't want "my girl" taking the bus to campus, that I sacrificed my lunch break several times to take her home from class. She responded by loving me despite my anger issues. Her life revolved around me and that is what I think lead to our break-up.

 

She had tons of friends and people who loved her, but none that she could hang out with on a daily basis. I was her best friend, but I had my cousins who I would try and see once a week to watch and play football with. She mostly stayed home all the time studying. We were both content with our lives and imagined ourselves growing old together. She was an only child and by this I mean an ONLY child...no brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces, or nephews. Naturally, she never wanted to have kids, but loved me so much that I was the only person she envisioned having children with. I always encouraged her to drink and party like back when she use to school in New York, perhaps thinking she still may need to get it out of her system or calm the beast from within, but she was always concerned with her weight and the calories of alcohol. I guess its kind of hard to party and drink when your significant other doesn't. Still, we were a good match as we were both truly kind hearted people. Even back when we worked together, there was always drama surrounding all couples in our location, but everyone approved of us being together and did not have a bad thing to say about our pairing. Add to the fact that we were an interracial couple (I am Vietnamese and she is White) made it more special and unique to me.

 

She recently called me on July 17th out-of-the-blue to see how I was doing. I did not want to pick up the phone, but didn't want her to think I was still hurting. I found it rather odd that she called seeing how she is now in love with someone else (and not sure how her new boyfriend would feel), but reassured her I was fine, doing my best to hide my heartache. We talked for about 4-5 minutes but I had to go back to work since I was on my break. I had told her I'd call her back then told her to call me back after work, but I never heard from her. I am assuming it was a miscommunication, but I did not want to call her back to give me false hope. Which brings me to my questions.

 

She is scheduled or supposed to come home end of August (unless she goes straight to Europe) at which time she'll probably call me once more, especially since she'll see a portrait of her that I drew for her. I did not draw the portrait for any personal gain, but rather because throughout our 4 1/2 year relationship, I never drew her...and I'M an artist...so I felt I kind of owed it to myself to do that (and maybe in some bizarre way, probably felt I owed her as well). Should I even bother picking up the phone if she calls again?

 

I adore her aunt and uncle as they are one of the nicest people I have ever met. I recently introduced them to my mom who was down from Texas to visit because they are so special to me. Is it wise to still keep in contact with them? They have told me they will always consider me as family, but I am not sure if it is wise to keep the wound open. I have contemplated reluctantly letting them go because I still do love Aby and it will be inevitable that she will want them to meet her new boyfriend. I do not want to be the measuring stick for the new guy and cause any animosity or friction between them. I know I know..its out of my control...just looking at this from all angles.

 

I wanted to do it before she left for Vancouver, but didn't. But I was contemplating making two promise rings for us. Both inscribed "Yours Forever - Love _ _ _ _" with our names. Should I ever see her again, I would tell her " When you find yourself or what you're looking for, find your way back to me". I'm not trying to get my hopes up because I still remember what she said on New Year's to me, but I just wanted her to know that I will always love her and will hopefully be here for her should she decide she to give me her heart once more. I know things never go quite as planned..but is this a good idea? Because I love her so much, I do not want to intrude in her new happiness. Who am I to interfere?

 

I know a lot of you will say this is the time to concentrate on you and not her. She obviously is having fun without you while you are suffering. Well I am 32 now going on 33 in October and I am not a fool (at least I hope not) now like I was in my younger days in to believing she will return or what I say and do will make her fall in love with me once more. I actually think the chances are remote. Maybe this new her is who she truly is and if that is the case, then my Aby is truly dead. They were wonderful memories, but I can not deny things would be different now if she came back to me. I am moving forward in my life and trying to better myself everyday. I use Aby leaving me as motivating fuel for what I do in the future. I keep myself in shape and try to still spread some semblance of happiness at the jobs I do. I have since gone on some potential dates, but felt I could not give my heart to someone when it still belongs to Aby. It also is very difficult meeting people that are within my age range as well. I do not want to date someone too young only to have them "find themselves" with me all over again and since I don't drink (socially unacceptable), bars are out of the question for me.

 

I feel very alone most nights, which is why I am probably on here wanting to forget her or at least have her leave my thoughts. My family is still very much concerned about me, but I put on a happy face with them so they do not worry. Hopefully things will change and my social circle will expand should I decide to re-enter school once more. I know I should meet new people and I probably will, but I do not want to rule out the possibility of us rekindling that love someday. Because I loved something, I set it free and a part of me will always hope it returns to me. Thank you all for reading.

 

Duke

[utterer of lies]

...excessively long and detailed story...

 

 

Care to give an executive summary?

[marmaliade]

Read it. Nice story... Really sad though... But it's time to let go... The person you expected her to be is gone and you're holding to it for too long in an unhealthy way... Take care of yourself more. Best of luck

[boogieboy]

Yeah where are the cliff notes?? Too many unneccessary details...

 

Duke, you are holding on to something that you dont want to let go, and you really need to.

 

Also you should be getting rid of EVERYTHING that remnds you of Aby, and you should NOT be visiting her family, worst of all, you SHOULD NOT be talking to her. You will never let go as long as youre talking to her. You dont need to knwo what shes doing and who shes doing it with. Why would you continue to torture yourself while shes living life, and turned you into a friend?

 

How many more years are you going to hold onto her like this because shes youre "first love"? How many years are you going to give into your emotions and compare girls to her? You have to make an effort to stop this. I dont know how many months its been since you broke up, so I dont know if youre taking longer than you used to.

[DustySaltus]

But I was contemplating making two promise rings for us. Both inscribed "Yours Forever - Love _ _ _ _" with our names. Should I ever see her again, I would tell her " When you find yourself or what you're looking for, find your way back to me". I'm not trying to get my hopes up because I still remember what she said on New Year's to me, but I just wanted her to know that I will always love her and will hopefully be here for her should she decide she to give me her heart once more. I know things never go quite as planned..but is this a good idea? Because I love her so much, I do not want to intrude in her new happiness. Who am I to interfere?

 

Making promise rings is not a good idea and does interfere in her happiness. I know its hard and painful but your going to continue yourself inside if you think there is any hope. Don't get me wrong hope is a good thing, but false hope is a terrible thing that can destroy you. You have to keep No Contact with her. You have to accept the fact that is is over otherwise it won't matter how many dates you go on. My first was actually the one I got engaged to ten years later, so I know where you are coming from. Don't blame yourself though, you sound like a real good guy and today could be the day you meet someone new...but you have to be willing to accept them.

[MSUE]

wow so so so long...but I made it trough it...you sound like such a great guy!!!... NC would be the best way to go as you keep getting hurt everytime you contact her...its time to let her go...you need to heal and you have lots of healing to do...you will meet new people and you will love again and you will b eloved back the way you deserve to be...and Welcome to the forum

[DukeHa]

First off, I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your comments and replys. I really am contemplating reluctantly letting go of her family but I just needed some advice like "what would you do in this situation?".

 

No disrespect to anyone, and I am trying to get this across the nicest way possible, but seriously the first 2 sentences CLEARLY states its a long post, but people still feel the need to complain about its length. I don't get it, no one is twisting your arm to read it (and I thank you for it if you did), but the time it took for someone to write "too long" or "excessive and unnecessary detail", you could've just read the first paragraph and skipped it. As far as unnecessary details? Says who? You? I didn't know this was English 101 where I had to have a minimum of 1000 words. When I do something, I go all out. The more details I convey, then hopefully it'll let you see my life through my eyes. It reminds me of guests that come to the Resort and complain about ticket prices and then when a ride breaks down. Geez, I didn't go to your house with a gun to your head forcing you to come to Disneyland and pay the money.

 

At any rate, my apologize if I offended anyone, but it has been bothering me all day. Thank you for reading and commenting. May you all find the happiness that you seek. :-)

 

Duke

[Thomas X Forever]

First off, I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your comments and replys. I really am contemplating reluctantly letting go of her family but I just needed some advice like "what would you do in this situation?".

 

No disrespect to anyone, and I am trying to get this across the nicest way possible, but seriously the first 2 sentences CLEARLY states its a long post, but people still feel the need to complain about its length. I don't get it, no one is twisting your arm to read it (and I thank you for it if you did), but the time it took for someone to write "too long" or "excessive and unnecessary detail", you could've just read the first paragraph and skipped it. As far as unnecessary details? Says who? You? I didn't know this was English 101 where I had to have a minimum of 1000 words. When I do something, I go all out. The more details I convey, then hopefully it'll let you see my life through my eyes. It reminds me of guests that come to the Resort and complain about ticket prices and then when a ride breaks down. Geez, I didn't go to your house with a gun to your head forcing you to come to Disneyland and pay the money.

 

At any rate, my apologize if I offended anyone, but it has been bothering me all day. Thank you for reading and commenting. May you all find the happiness that you seek. :-)

 

Duke

 

 

There are a few things that interested me about this post. Firstly, the longest point made in your post, was a negative one. This leads me to suspect a few things.

 

Do you feel as if you have a bad temper, or anger pent up?

 

DON'T get me wrong. I'm not judging you, and NOT saying you were wrong for that rant. You WERE justified in being upset by their comments. Frankly, though I'd just roll my eyes at utterer from now on if I were you. He has mastered the art of sociopathy.

 

What I really want to discuss, however, is something a poster I look up to, has recommended me once. Caliguy told me about a book, it's called "No More Mr. Nice Guy!". Google it, it's a book, and it has the power to save lives. (Nope, I'm not being over dramatic).

[NightLord1]

Welcome to the forum man.

 

I just want to say that I know how incredibly painful this is....hell anyone on here knows that because well...they wouldn't be here if they hadn't gone through the same thing at some point with someone they truly fell for.

 

Everyone has a different opinion on what to do...but there truly is no better advice anyone can give then to not contact her at ALL. You made the right choice deleting her from your facebook but you have to go further than that and cut off ALL ties.

 

Right now she is just going to you like you are one of her girlfriends. You are there when SHE needs you to be there. And dude i'm telling you give ANYONE a chance to take advantage of someone they will. A lot of people don't even realize they are taking advantage of someone but they will do it. Women will easily loose all attraction and respect for any guy that they can push around and walk all over. I know this because I have talked to a lot of different women and they ALL say the same thing so it comes right from the horses mouth if you will.

 

I would highly suggest you cut off all ties with her and her family and move on like she didn't even exist.

 

I would even say in this case if she calls or contact you to ignore her for a while just so YOU can heal and move on.

 

Another thing with ignoring her for a while she will begin to wonder what is going on with you. Why isn't he picking up the phone? Why isn't he answering my e-mails? What is he up to? This will create mystery to her and it will begin to make her think of you again. She will begin to miss you and POSSIBLY may want to see what is up the more you can do it.

 

You cannot miss someone who is always there and is always around. Missing someone can truly be what brings anyone back around if there is any chance at all that they still want to be with that person.

 

Shes young dude and she has a lot of living to do and there is nothing you can do to change that or her. If you continue to talk to her at all you are just going to continue to hurt yourself again and again and it will be a vicious and endless pattern of hurt and disappointment.

 

Hope this helps in some way.

Regards

[NopeNah]

Go no contact until she gets back and start living your life for you. She's obviously moved on so, you should start to do the same. If, when she gets back and you decide to see her..take it from there with a much clearer mind.

[MSUE]

give the guy a break...yes the post is long as he warned and as we can obviously see...But he did a great job explaining the situation and how he feels...all details were necessary...anyhow hope you are feeling better dude

[DukeHa]

MSUE: You are a sweetheart and thank you for taking the time to read my story. Your comments are very heartwarming and it is very much appreciated!!! I guess just like that song by Leona Lewis " Better in Time"...I will be ok :-)

 

Praying4Daylight: Thank you for the great advice as I actually have been trying to do the whole "no contact" (cept' when I called her in May, but that was because I happened to be reading about the death of Brandon Lee in 1993 and how he was supposed to be married a month later) Tragic love made me realize what I lost, but was powerless to do anything about it.

 

NightLord1: Thank you as well, but my "welcome" has been met with sort of mixed reviews...ha ha. I posted the same thing on the "long-distance relationship" thread just to see different view points and got crucified because regardless of it all, "I got what was coming to me" because "I broke-up" with her, when in fact, the break-up was very much mutual. We just drifted apart.

 

I would highly suggest you cut off all ties with her and her family and move on like she didn't even exist.

 

This is what I have been trying to do and how I've been thinking. That my Aby is truly gone or dead..it does make things easier. Thanks

 

would even say in this case if she calls or contact you to ignore her for a while just so YOU can heal and move on.

 

This is the initial advice I was looking for, no judges in length or who's fault it was. "Just what do you think I should do if this happens...?"

 

Shes young dude and she has a lot of living to do and there is nothing you can do to change that or her.

 

Yep, and that's one of the many things I considered when I let her go. How can one compete with someone who can't be contained and needed to fly? I've accepted that, I don't have to like it, but it is what it is. I will always love her and I'm sure she will always have a place for me in her heart as well.

 

Thomas X Forever: Yes unfortunately I am known to have a temper. Maybe the asian male in me and it did have an impact on our relationship. I never hit her or was abusive in anyway, but I dunno...I was very angry a lot and it scared her. I guess being a nice guy most of the time, people don't see it when the things you have bottled up, finally explode. Still she loved me despite it all and I was very grateful for her for it. Thank you for not judging as I try to be the same, I just try and roll it off my shoulders with snide comments like that, but I guess I just got done writing an emotional long letter that flushed nearly 5 years of memories back into my mind and its like a slap in the face when people say stuff like that y'know? Its like they're saying "we don't care about what you have to say, just say it in a way that's easier for US to read"...like it has to be convenient for them, when in reality, you're most likely writing it for you and as a means for you to feel better and maybe find some semblance of closure. Thanks for the tip on the book as it is something I will definitely look into.

 

Again, a sincere thank you to everyone that has commented on here (even the ones that add their tongue-in-cheek comments:-). You guys are wonderful and hopefully I will try to be strong and stick to the advice you give me.

 

Much love,

Duke