brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 please read my previous post. i have been struggling to cope with this affair, especially following deadlines given by the MM, and then he bottles leaving his W. the last deadline was the 31st july! i seem to have become obsessed with his marriage, and can't understand why he won't leave. i've also been getting increasingly frustrated/upset, etc with being in a triangle relationship. if MM and his W hate each other, why is he still there?? anyway, yesterday we had a chat, and he said he is close to cracking point, i seem to have been on the verge of cracking for the last year!! he has asked for a break, whilst he evaluates his life, and we have agreed NC for 2 weeks. he has also confirmed that whilst he wants to leave his wife, he can't get in the 'head zone' of doing so! deep down, i also realise i need this break, as ALL my energies are focussed on him, all i want to do is talk about my situation, i seem desperate to talk. and i know that my family, although supportive, are BORED of the same old tune. you can imagine what i'm feeling like today...tears/panicky/loss of appetite/head feels like its going to pop, etc. i guess i know this is the start of the end, but life without him??? help! please help me: how do i get over him, when all i can think about is how fantastic he is? this is even after he tells me that he didn't realise i'd take his deadlines sooo seriously! OW - please message me, as to how you have coped being an OW, and then find yourself single, dumped by the MM MM - please message me, what makes you stay in a 'dead' marriage for the sake of the children/security, etc? how can i pull myself through this, and survive this emotional breakdown? I haven't had any heartbreaks, other than my marriage ending, so very inexperienced with coping! I have managed NC overnight, and still continuing. That is very good for me, as we usually texted each other every 30mins!!
utterer of lies Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 MM - please message me, what makes you stay in a 'dead' marriage for the sake of the children/security, etc? His marriage is not as dead as he tells you. He's weaning himself off you.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You have become too much like the W in his mind. You were supposed to be the fantasy, the fun, the escape hatch. Now you are putting the same demands on him that a primary relationship puts on him. Now you know what the W feels like. Not a great place to be.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You do NOT accept a break. You assume its over and tell him that while he is thinking you want NC so that you can collect yourself and move on with your life. Otherwise you could be haning in the balance for weeks or months. Noone decides whether to leave a marriage in 2 weeks. Either he has decided and isnt sure how to break it to you, or he isnt really ready to leave and doesnt know what to do (same difference). Never ever chase a MM. If he doesnt know in his heart that you are the best thing that ever happened to him and isnt thanking his lucky stars that you came into his life, you walk. Gracefully. You tell him you understand, he is married and walk quickly away. Its hard not to look back but the last thing you want to do is to cajole a married person or explain to them why he needs to leave his marriage. Its up to him if he leaves, not you. And there is nothing tht you can say that will change his mind. Its hard, you will be depressed but you will get through it. Give yourself time. If he comes back he does but you need to be prepared for the fact that its at least as likely as not that he wont. Or that if he does it may not be for some time and you may have moved on with your life.
jwi71 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 please read my previous post. Did you read any of the replies? i have been struggling to cope with this affair, especially following deadlines given by the MM, and then he bottles leaving his W. the last deadline was the 31st july! MM want affairs, not divorces. i seem to have become obsessed with his marriage, and can't understand why he won't leave. He doesn't want to leave. Its that simple. i've also been getting increasingly frustrated/upset, etc with being in a triangle relationship. if MM and his W hate each other, why is he still there?? Well if they hate each other then it shouldn't be any problem for you to pop on by and ask his W how the divorce is going now should it? They already hate each other.... anyway, yesterday we had a chat, and he said he is close to cracking point, i seem to have been on the verge of cracking for the last year!! he has asked for a break, whilst he evaluates his life, and we have agreed NC for 2 weeks. he has also confirmed that whilst he wants to leave his wife, he can't get in the 'head zone' of doing so! More like his W is getting suspicious and he needs to lie to her extra good to soothe things over. He's already been lying and stringing you on...for...how long now...over a year? See how it easy it is to be lied to, especially when you WANT to believe. deep down, i also realise i need this break, as ALL my energies are focussed on him, all i want to do is talk about my situation, i seem desperate to talk. and i know that my family, although supportive, are BORED of the same old tune. Thats normal. i guess i know this is the start of the end, but life without him??? help! Stealing this from another...you lived before him, so you can live without hum. please help me: Can't do it. Only YOU can end this. So...walk, talk to the wife or suck it up like a big girl. how do i get over him, when all i can think about is how fantastic he is? this is even after he tells me that he didn't realise i'd take his deadlines sooo seriously! He said this? Yikes! Oh so sorry...but he is happy at home, loves his wife and family is simply using you as a piece on the side. And I can say this with reasonable confidence as he set a deadline...which HE didnt take seriously...ie a LIE. OW - please message me, as to how you have coped being an OW, and then find yourself single, dumped by the MM I think most would say they felt all the normal pains of loss...then extraordinary relief at having ended it with such a scuzzball. MM - please message me, what makes you stay in a 'dead' marriage for the sake of the children/security, etc? You REALLY need to stop believing him. Again, if its dead and they hate each other...drop by his place unannounced some day...shouldn't be a problem since the marriage is dead and they hate each other right? And they thing holding you back is the realization that his life is fine, he loves his wife, etc, etc...
Devil Inside Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I'm a MM coming out of an affair recently. My OW ended it because I had not left. She has maintained NC with me and I am respecting that. I lost her. I didn't do what I should have done...so I deserved to lose her. Actions speak louder than words. Withdrawal is hard but I think you need to maintain NC until he is divorced.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 how do i get over him, when all i can think about is how fantastic he is? this is even after he tells me that he didn't realise i'd take his deadlines sooo seriously! Instead of obsessing over his marriage and the fact that you feel like he dumped you, obsess over the above quote. He basically told you that none of the deadlines were ever serious. This should make you think about the previous deadlines. Were they close together or did that start to get further and further apart? And, definitely ask yourself why you are still thinking he is fantastic after he said such a thing. It sounds like you have an inflated idea of who he really is, while he seems to just think you are desperate and willing to accept just about anything from him. Fantastic people don't do this to others.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 He's not fantastic, at all. You go NC for good. Who is he that he thinks he calls all the shots? What's more is that you buy into it. How many "deadlines" has there been? He's just stringing you along and you're letting him. He's not going anywhere right now except home. He's one of those MM that thinks an OW belongs in a compartment; and he takes her out when it suits him and puts her away in the same fashion. You should be enraged right now. You send him an email that he's right, you two should take a break FOREVER. Don't say I love you, don't sign sincerely, no bull**** about how if only he was not married, one line: You're right about the break, don't contact me EVER again, and sign your name. Then block his emails and calls. No picking up. You show him the definition of NO CONTACT. DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE. I'm serious, here. This dude needs to see what the grass is really like. Pick yourself up, end all this agreeing with him and show yourself what you're made of. You're better than this. GEL
Lucky_One Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 He wants two weeks NC during summer vacation time? Gosh, that's handy for him.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 He wants two weeks NC during summer vacation time? Gosh, that's handy for him. Come to think of it, my vacation is in a little under two weeks from now too. Hmmmmmm.
ladydesigner Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Please listen to GEL her words are spot on. I am a MW who had an affair with the OM and he left me stayed with his longtime girlfriend. I felt like he called the final shot that ripped my heart out and I am still dealing with this a year later. Please go NC and leave him far behind. Everyone is far better finding someone who is not taken that will love you or if married get a divorce. Sorry you are going through this. You will get better with time. Time is really the only thing that has helped me and I am slowly getting better.
jwi71 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 He's not going anywhere right now except home. He's one of those MM that thinks an OW belongs in a compartment; and he takes her out when it suits him and puts her away in the same fashion. Ok...I hate kudos replies...and I typically dont agree with GEL...but this is perfectly said. 100% agree. JW
Author brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 and i found out today he's taking a 2 wk hol 2 greece with the W and kids!!
Author brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 i do hope it gets better for me...all the other aspects of my life, i'm content with! i just feel the worst i've ever felt!
Author brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 thanks for the comments. he has given me tons of deadlines, last october he said he'd be with me by xmas. xmas came and went, but he didn't leave. i became an emotional wreck. then he was on the verge of leaving for several months, where he led me to believe he'd be arriving anytime, like that day or the next. so i cleaned out wardrobe space for him, and drawers! then it was after the easter hols. in april i decided i could take no more, and i said that while he was deciding i needed to go out with other men, and act single, not necessarily sleep with them, but just have some friendly banter. that was when he said he didn't want me seeing other guys, and allow him a 3 month window to leave. the window ended on the 31st july... it does feel different this time to me, i need the break from him. in fact, i need to find some anger (all i've got is tears right now!), and think how awful he's treated me. i think that will help me move forward. keeping in the A was making me ill. and although i feel worse now, hoping it will improve over the coming weeks. this guy has talked about the future with me, that he sees himself married to me, and each time i've been drawn in by his words, and fallen deeper in love with him!
ladydesigner Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I was told the same thing by the OM that he would choose me over his girlfriend, couldn't live without me. It is a bunch of lies to keep you hanging on. Well in the end, for me anyways, it turned out he could live his life happily without me with his long-time girlfriend. Oh and he still tries to contact me as a "friend." I guess he figures if he changes his mind or things don't work out with his girlfriend I'll be there waiting for him. Forget it! Move on and find someone who really loves you, don't wait in his shadow.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Its easy to get sucked into and you loved him and wanted to beleive. For some guys its like a mantra. Its the place in their minds they go to where they feel better. If only I were married to brainy life would be wonderful. When they talk about it, they feel like they have options (and of course you dont want to be an option). If hes given you tons of deadlines Im sure each one felt like "the one" the time when he would actually make a move. Talk is cheap. Of course you feel badly now. But he just blew a big three months when you put your life on hold for him. No more of that. It will get better over the coming weeks. It cant get worse than the roller coaster. In my experience after the initial shock wore off it got better.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 and i found out today he's taking a 2 wk hol 2 greece with the W and kids!! Wow, so Lucky_One was spot on. What a turd? Lying to you and claiming to want NC when he was really just going on vacation! Don't be there waiting for him when he comes back. Not even to argue. Walk away, no RUN, and never look back. This guy is one of the ones that everyone will warn you about.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 How did I miss that. He couldnt even be honest enough to tell you he was going on vacation. This guy is just incapable of telling the truth. As NID said run run run. Send him a parting note by email saying you NEVER want to hear from him again and then block him from your phone and emails. You dont need to hear anything from him when he gets back. You NEVER need to hear from him again. Anything you want to say to him say in the email telling him he's dead to you.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You have been given a blessing. You need to accept it and never go down this path again. Like the others have said, RUN FORREST, RUN.
Lucky_One Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 and i found out today he's taking a 2 wk hol 2 greece with the W and kids!! Damn I'm good. He's got it made. He gets to go on a fantastic vacation and not have to worry about your calling him or about having to sneak away to send you a hurried text. You get to sit at home and stew and ponder and think and obsess, and so when he finally calls you when he comes home, you rush into his arms out of the relief of just finally being with him again - and all is forgiven.
sugarmomma Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I think its time to really use those brains of yours. You have to cut this guy off. He is gonna continue to hurt you and cause you to feel horrible about yourself. He is a lying, cheating, loser that found a woman vulnerable enough to even deal with him. No Contact is the only way. Change your numbers, cancel email accounts and go through the pain of letting go so that you can truly start to heal and love you. Its really the only love that matters. Keep your head UP and go out and live your life to the fullest. Forget this lame loser!
fooled once Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 So if he told you no contact for 2 weeks, how do you know he is going away with the wife and kids? May I ask - how old are you? How old is he? He doesn't want to leave his wife. If he did, he would have. But he is going to go on vacation with her, have romantic dinners with her, have sex with her ............. while you sit here and cry over him. Screw that --- pick yourself up. He was never "yours" to begin with. Enough of the crying --- time to get on with your life.
Author brainyblonde Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 he texted me last nite saying he's going away 2 greece for 2 weeks, and that he's really struggling! i managed to NOT reply! and i'm maintaining NC! i'm still a wailing banshee tho...crying all the time! where is the anger? we are both 39! W is 43!
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 The age of the liar is of no significance. Or his wife for that matter. Good you maintained NC.
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