colosseum Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Who says I love you first? Do you? Do you wait? Are there gender expectations, and do you abide by them?
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Ah. Yet another great LS debate where men say one thing and women say quite another. I guess it was about time for this one to come up again. Men will say women should say it. Women will say men should say it. So just be prepared. As for me - I really do think the guy should say it. I said it to my first BF and really shouldn't have. I waited for my XH to say it and was SO GLAD that I did. You know what? Okay...I'm going to change my mind, here. The second paragraph of my post is what I would have said before my most recent relationship. I didn't get burned badly in that one at all. Nobody got terribly hurt. It was pretty much a learning experience for the both of us. He said "ILY" first, but only after I gave kind of a "green light" to do so. My thoughts on the subject these days are...if you're with a guy that's going to go cold, or get an ego trip or turn into a jerk or dump you because you said "ILY," then I don't think he was a very good person to begin with and good freaking riddance. If I ever do feel those feelings for somebody again, I'm going to say it. If they don't like it, then I see they weren't for me. Woohoo. I found out sooner rather than later. Life's short. I can't keep caring what people think of me and tip-toeing around. But I will also say this - given my relationship history, I don't know that I will ever fall in love so easily as I have in the past. So when I do decide to say it, I freaking mean it and I want him to hear it. If he can't appreciate the gift, then that's his problem, not mine. I'm so done with relationship games, can you tell? LOL
carhill Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Who says I love you first? The person who wants sex the most at that particular moment
ATR Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I would think most guys would see it as a sign of weakness saying it first, as women are "meant" to be more in touch with their emotional side...
Katherineos123 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Normally, I would prefer the guy to say it first, but it seems to me that everyone thinks the OTHER should drop the L bomb first, its safer that way... No one likes to go out on a limb with the chance to get dropped. And anyone who has been there before, myself included, doesnt wanna go there again. Making yourself completely vulnerable to someone like that can be very humbling... Well, somebody has to take the plunge eventually... and in my most recent relationship, I said it first... By accident.... at the end of a phone call... I didnt even realize I was saying it and I panicked, scrambled some words together.... and hung up on him.... All the while I could hear my boyfriend on the other end yelling "HAHAHAH WHAAAAA????" He then called me back and told me he loved me too...
Fay Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Definitely the guy. For the same reasons SoulSearch said. The first L-bomb freaks guys out. Every time I've dropped it first, I got burned bad. The best result I ever got from dropping it first was with a guy who responded, "I don't know if I can say the same right now, but I really care about you, blah blah blah." Then two-three months later we got in a huge fight, he called me a really bad name, I slapped him, he choked me till I almost passed out (he's never done that to anyone ever - I guess I bring that out in men ) and then he felt horrible and told me he loved me. We lasted another two weeks after that. He "wasn't feeling it" anymore. Go figure, eh? That's the best result I ever got from dropping it first. Otherwise, it's never been reciprocated. Now, when they've said it first, it must've been because they felt the obvious two-way vibe and felt secure enough in the relationship to say it. And I've always reciprocated, because it was true. And it wasn't necessarily months into the relationship or anything. In my experience, if they're gonna fall in love, they're gonna do it within a few weeks of dating me or it never ends up happening. But that's just my life for some weird reason and I know it doesn't apply to most other people. Current BF had been dropping hints for a week, pseudo-I-love-yous, and finally one day while cuddling I was like, "I want to tell you something but I can't bring myself to say it first." He joked, "Are you about to drop an L-bomb?" Laughing, I got pretend-shocked and whacked him with a pillow. He laughs, looks me square in the eye and says, "Fay, I love you." That's how we happened. So officially, he hinted at it first, I nudged, and he said it first.
patcha Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 what if it's 2 girls? yes. it's a serious question!
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 what if it's 2 girls? yes. it's a serious question! I think the stronger one should crack first. In one of these "who says ILY first" threads of the past, somebody said whoever's weakest says it first - the other person wins. LOL
nomoregummybears Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Now, when they've said it first, it must've been because they felt the obvious two-way vibe and felt secure enough in the relationship to say it. And I've always reciprocated, because it was true. Can't this work the other way around, as well, though? Like I've seen it freak out BOTH genders, really, so I don't know if we can really call it on who's more likely to flip out.
motive2002 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I always say it first, but only after I have strong evidence, hints etc that make it obvious that she's falling really hard. In other words, when I know she's already there, I will use those three little nasty words that have got me into so damn much trouble. No I'm not bitter. Honest!
patcha Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I think the stronger one should crack first. In one of these "who says ILY first" threads of the past, somebody said whoever's weakest says it first - the other person wins. LOL lol! cute. that made me laugh. ok. the strongest one should say it first! i recently told someone i like her which is true. but i cracked b/c i wanted to know how she felt!
mortensorchid Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 The man should say "I love you" first. Period. No ifs ands or buts.
carhill Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 The man should say "I love you" first. Period. No ifs ands or buts. Why? I'm pretty sure I know the psychology of 'why', but I want to hear it from a woman
lumos512 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 This question actually shocked me, if you believe that one. I thought it was obvious that whoever feels it/means it first, says it first. Enough with the game playing, and the men being commitment-phobic cowards, and the women obsessing to Crazy Over-thinking Woman Land. (careful, ladies, it's a hard place to return from.) There shouldn't be strategics to the "I love you" moment.
Fay Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 This question actually shocked me, if you believe that one. I thought it was obvious that whoever feels it/means it first, says it first. Enough with the game playing, and the men being commitment-phobic cowards, and the women obsessing to Crazy Over-thinking Woman Land. (careful, ladies, it's a hard place to return from.) There shouldn't be strategics to the "I love you" moment. Your formula is a recipe for disaster. Whoever feels it first says it first??? Even though the other person is obviously not feeling it??? That's silly. That sounds like a quick and easy way to send the bugger running for his life. No, the proper thing to do is to wait until both parties are obviously feeling it. The ideal situation is that the two people are so in sync that amorous statements flow out naturally and progress towards I Love You without anyone having to think particularly hard about it. That's been my huge mistake. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with love towards someone who I'm not entirely sure feels the same way, that it kills me and I just HAVE to blurt it out. And then the sh*t hits the fan.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 The man. The woman saying it first is often construed as emotional chasing, and nobody wants that. I have never said it first, and I seriously doubt I ever will. In fact, I don't even allow myself to fully indulge in feelings of love until he has said it.
Fay Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I don't even allow myself to fully indulge in feelings of love until he has said it. I like this!! This is a smart lady!
patcha Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 No, the proper thing to do is to wait until both parties are obviously feeling it. The ideal situation is that the two people are so in sync that amorous statements flow out naturally and progress towards I Love You without anyone having to think particularly hard about it. That's been my huge mistake. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with love towards someone who I'm not entirely sure feels the same way, that it kills me and I just HAVE to blurt it out. And then the sh*t hits the fan. I really like this.
redant Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 My bf told me a couple of months ago. I have not reciprocated. Now I know I do love him. It's just that I'm so protective. I'm thinking of telling him this weekend. Do you think he feels bad? I try to "show" him how I feel. Do I have to say it?
Birdy Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 My bf told me a couple of months ago. I have not reciprocated. Now I know I do love him. It's just that I'm so protective. I'm thinking of telling him this weekend. Do you think he feels bad? I try to "show" him how I feel. Do I have to say it? How would it hurt you to say it? If he's told you and you feel the same way, just go ahead and say it. It'll strengthen your relationship and make him very happy. You don't *have* to say anything. But I think by saying it you stand to gain a lot more than you'd lose.
terra Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I said it first, but in french, so it doesn't have the same impact. He replied with I love you too (in english) so I felt like he said it first but needed a bit or prompting. It was long overdue
Birdy Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I said it first, but in french, so it doesn't have the same impact. He replied with I love you too (in english) so I felt like he said it first but needed a bit or prompting. It was long overdue Meh, my guy uses the same "I love you in a foreign language" trick. What a cop-out. LOL
allina Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 The man should say it first. what if it's 2 girls? yes. it's a serious question! Just say it! :bunny:
terra Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Meh, my guy uses the same "I love you in a foreign language" trick. What a cop-out. LOL I know it was a cop-out! It really worked! You got a smart guy, or a baby, like me =)
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