97Diesel Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 So here is my problem. me and my girlfriend of 5 months (i know, not a very long time) just broke up a couple days ago. it was totally mutual at the time because we both agreed that it was probably going to happen anyways when she left for college and it was better to do it now rather than in a year or two, but now i am totally regretting letting it happen. this was my first serious relationship, and i let her all the way into my life. now that we're broken up we still talk a lot, i feel like she's the only one i can talk to about my feelings or anything, she's the only one i'm totally comfortable with. i just need tips on how to deal with this, because i really want to get back together with her but i don't think thats happening. the only reason i'm so messed up because of this is because she is really the only one i can talk with, if i talk to my best friend or brother they act disinterested and/or change the subject. and i don't feel like i can talk to my parents about it because i'm 20 years old and i don't feel like i should be this emotional in front of them. please give advice, i need it.
Vicious_Delicious Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Cut off all contact with her! There must be someone that you can talk to. If you don't know that you can talk to your parents about this, I think it wouldn't hurt to try. My relationship with my dad actually got a lot stronger because I talked with him a lot about my first relationship. You can also talk to the people on this forum. Many people here are eager to help.
gavinus Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Listen to Vicious_Delicious: Cut off all contact! I know how you feel, but how can she miss you and want you if you still are there! She won't. Listen from other peoples experiences, having contact will not get her back, going no contact may work. You must explain to friends and family how you are feeling and if they don't listen....explain again!! Always remember you are not alone as there are people here, be strong, go NC
Author 97Diesel Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I know it is probably the best way to go with no contact, but i care about her so much and i feel like i should still support her. idk, i mean i guess its just a hard thought since for the last 5 months we texted/talked all day every day. Also i kinda feel like i should give her a heads up on the no contact, like say that its too hard for me to talk with her and that i still care about her but we should give eachother space or something. because i don't want to break contact and have her assume that means i don't care about her anymore, because thats most definately not the case... I am meeting up with her in a couple days to swap stuff (i've got a couple of her things and she's got some shirts and sweatshirts of mine) i just need to be able to tell her what exactly i am feeling but i don't want to make it seem like i want to get over her, because i think that would be cruel to her and i really don't want to get over her. if you have any advice or tips for this i would appreciate them so much.
BeSteady Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 She already knows how you feel, telling her will only make her feel sad for you, and no one wants to f*ck someone because they feel sad for them. Give her her stuff and then go hang out with your friend. Show her you have a life and going to live it.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 How old is this girl? Are her parents divorced or together? Does she have any siblings?
Author 97Diesel Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 How old is this girl? Are her parents divorced or together? Does she have any siblings? She's 17, but i honestly i had to remind myself of that every day because she's so mature. her parents are still together, and she has one twin brother. her reasons for breaking up is so she can concentrate on school because she's been taking college classes all last year and all this year while still in high school. in more than one way she's got her life more on track than i do even being 3 years older.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hmm, 17... I see You say she has a twin brother. He is also 17? How is her relationship with him? And what state are you both residing in?
Author 97Diesel Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Hmm, 17... I see You say she has a twin brother. He is also 17? How is her relationship with him? And what state are you both residing in? We both live in washington. her relationship is pretty good with her brother, she doesn't hate him or anything like that. her relationship with her whole family as actually really amazing, way better than the relationship i have with my family. i mean my relationship with my parents and siblings isn't bad by any means, but she talks with her parents about everything. idk, maybe its just a girl thing.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 We both live in washington. her relationship is pretty good with her brother, she doesn't hate him or anything like that. her relationship with her whole family as actually really amazing, way better than the relationship i have with my family. i mean my relationship with my parents and siblings isn't bad by any means, but she talks with her parents about everything. idk, maybe its just a girl thing. Hmm, she sounds pretty stable. Well I can rule out most initial things. You say your relationship is troubled with your family, slightly, though? But that's cool about living in washington. Do you live near Seattle or a high population area? How long have you known this girl? And if so, do you know how many relationships shes been in? (Or at least the most recent)
Author 97Diesel Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Hmm, she sounds pretty stable. Well I can rule out most initial things. You say your relationship is troubled with your family, slightly, though? But that's cool about living in washington. Do you live near Seattle or a high population area? How long have you known this girl? And if so, do you know how many relationships shes been in? (Or at least the most recent) Well i wouldn't call my relationship throubled, i just don't feel like i can talk to my parents about anything partially because i'm not that comfortable telking with them, and also because they are very church-centered and i am not, so if i talk to them about how i had sex with my girlfriend they would confuse the issues and turn it around to i need to go to church. i live closer to portland oregon but i'm still not in a high population area, lots of cows and such, kinda boring, kinda peaceful. I have known this girl since like january and we talked for almost a month and a half before we made it official. she has only had one other relationship which lasted 3 years and the guy ended up being abusive phisically and emotionally. they were together from 8th grade till sophomore year almost junior year. i felt like i could show her that there are better guys out there, and she told me that i've proved that again and again. if it offers any insight i consider myself a nice guy. i am pretty shy ar first when meeting new people, so once i got to know this girl i felt really good, content and happy with what i had found. i really don't look foreward to trying to meet new people mainly because i know i will just turn shy again and nothing will happen. i don't like to rush into things. when i was talking to my ex she said that if i had waited one more week before making it official she was going to stop hanging out or talking with me. i guess sometimes i try to be too calculated, and i really tend to overthink everything.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I understand. Did you say you've tried to reconcile things with her? If so, how did it go? For some reason I get the feeling her name is Suzy. Lol, is that close?
BeSteady Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Well i wouldn't call my relationship throubled, i just don't feel like i can talk to my parents about anything partially because i'm not that comfortable telking with them, and also because they are very church-centered and i am not, so if i talk to them about how i had sex with my girlfriend they would confuse the issues and turn it around to i need to go to church. i live closer to portland oregon but i'm still not in a high population area, lots of cows and such, kinda boring, kinda peaceful. I have known this girl since like january and we talked for almost a month and a half before we made it official. she has only had one other relationship which lasted 3 years and the guy ended up being abusive phisically and emotionally. they were together from 8th grade till sophomore year almost junior year. i felt like i could show her that there are better guys out there, and she told me that i've proved that again and again. if it offers any insight i consider myself a nice guy. i am pretty shy ar first when meeting new people, so once i got to know this girl i felt really good, content and happy with what i had found. i really don't look foreward to trying to meet new people mainly because i know i will just turn shy again and nothing will happen. i don't like to rush into things. when i was talking to my ex she said that if i had waited one more week before making it official she was going to stop hanging out or talking with me. i guess sometimes i try to be too calculated, and i really tend to overthink everything. So it sounds like its less about this girl then not wanting to be alone. I understand that but the best way to get over that is to learn how to do it. And the fact is the better you get at it, the more attractive you become to the opposite sex. Being calculating is a way to try to control the world, and at best all you can do is control yourself. Good luck
Author 97Diesel Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I understand. Did you say you've tried to reconcile things with her? If so, how did it go? For some reason I get the feeling her name is Suzy. Lol, is that close? Haha, no her name's not suzy. i don't exactly want to throw out her real name, or mine for that fact. I did try to reconcile, which really isn't what i think of it as, but i talked with her and she just wants to be able to concentrate on school, because she wants to be in the medical field so she has a lot of years ahead of her before she feels like she should be in a relationship. she knows i care, and i'm sure she thinks she's helping me concentrate on figuring out what i want to do for a career/schooling too. she said she still cares about me a lot, she just thinks we need to get our lives figured out more before we can really do the whole relationship thing. and also to look around and chack and see if we are really the ones for eachother or if we were just settling. I really kind of agree with her, but i don't like the thought of losing someone i have gotten so close to.
Author 97Diesel Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 well, call me stupid, tell me that i'll be unhappy and it'll never work. but i just called her and i have decided that i would rather talk to her on a somewhat regular basis and try to move this into friendship than break contact and potentially lose the friend i have gained in the last 5 months. i just decided to go with my heart and my gut. on this one. we aren't going to see eachother or hang out for a long time, but we aren't breaking contact.
scienceguy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Here's the advice Caliguy put up, and it's definitely the advice you should follow: I realize this advice is going to be hard for you to not only accept but implement into your life and daily routine. The number one thing you have to do is not contact her. No matter what (unless it's an emergency like someone is hospitalized, not a bill that came in or something). You're making things worse for yourself by doing any sort of begging, pleading, etc. None of that will make her change her mind. It will, however, cement her decision to leave. For your own sake, you need to go "cold turkey" with her. I realize you have 6 years together and your situation sucks, but we've all been there and we've all made the same mistakes you are making (and are about to make). When someone decides to leave, the new relationship is going to be exciting to them. The person who is left is seen, for lack of a better term, as an "old worn out shoe." That is how she sees you right now. So the more you contact her, the worse you are making things. She knows you by now, and quite well I might add. She knows your strengths and weaknesses. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and doing things to make you happy. It will take your mind off her. I suggest: Hanging out with friends, working out/exercising (a lot!), reading any self-help books, Counseling (if you can afford it). One book that I always recommend to men is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover) because the book talks a lot about how to build confidence and self-esteem, how to pass women's "tests" and how not to be a "door mat" towards other people, not just women (Co-workers, Bosses, etc). I think reading that book will help you understand what you need to do in this situation. Above all, don't cling to the hope of a reconciliation. That is the worst thing you can do. And frankly, all it really does is guarantee that it won't happen at all. Because if getting her back is your main focus in life, you will do all the wrong things that will only push her away further. Trust me, I've made these mistakes many times. The best thing you can do is say to yourself "Ok, she left. That frees me up to find someone who BETTER!" and DO IT. If you do this, if you maintain NO CONTACT with her (that means do not respond to her unless she is beating down your front door - literally!), several things will happen: 1. You'll get over her much faster. 2. You most likely will someone better for you. 3. If she decides she wants you back, it will be on her own accord (and nothing you did to "convince" her because you can't MAKE people love you. They do or they don't.) 4. If #3 happens, you will be in a better position to say yes or no. Most likely NO because you'll be a much stronger, confident person when you step outside the relationship and see her for who she really is. Frankly, if someone can walk away from you the best thing to do is LET THEM. I know that's hard. I know love makes us do crazy things. But the only person you control in this life is YOU. And you're much better off focusing on the people who want to be with you, not the ones who walk away. Sorry, I know this probably isn't the advice you are looking for, but given that I've been in your shoes a time or two, this is what I have found works the best, at least for me. You can try and chase her if you want, but I believe your efforts will be futile. Relationships in your situations typically follow the same pattern and if you want to get to a good position in your life, the best thing to do is the same thing. Walk away. From her, from that relationship. Trust me. There will be someone else, but you won't find them focusing your energy and emotions on someone who doesn't want to be with you. One last thing. Delete her from Facebook, from IM, etc. Any way for her to contact you online. I would change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" (Let all her calls go to VM). Let her WONDER what you are doing and what you are up to, don't remove all doubt. You'll thank me for this one later.
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