confusedcookie Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 So, we've had problems with trust in the past. He didn't tell me how his ex gf and him ended, and his sister ended up telling me that he actually cheated on her and he denied it at first when i brought it up, but he eventually admitted to it. His sister (he also agreed) also let me read his journal he kept with his ex, and i shouldn't have read it =(... he said that he never felt like the way he does with me and he's never loved anybody before, but written all over the pages, were "i love you forever" "will you be my wife", and essentially, everything that he's told me. Also, i wrote him a email, and i later decided that i didn't want him to read it, so i logged on (he gave me his password) to erase it and i discovered that he actually had a LD relationship with this girl that is also his friend right now. He's told me before that she liked him back in the days but he would never go out with her, he basically made it seem like they never went out before, but from the emails, it seems like he liked her too, but it was the distance that kept them apart. also in the emails, he writes the exact same things as he did with his other ex, and me, "i love you forever" "i know you are my wife" blah blah blah.... the part that bothered me was that he was writing these love letters to her while he was with his gf and while she had a bf (they mention it in the emails). i know this is the past, but it bothers me that he didn't tell me when i asked about her, and that he doesn't mention that he's cheated before, and that he would pursue someone when he has a gf and while she had a bf. (morale?) what do you think??? i don't want to bring this up if it's not a big deal, i feel like i'm over reacting... it's his past right?
Hkizzle Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 People are not obligated to bring up their past. But the one thing that I noticed in your post is when you asked him, he tried to deny it. That means he's naturally not an honest person, goes hand in hand with other forms of deception etc that makes cheating easier.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 not obligated to bring up the past but when asked, he alters the truth. like when he cheated he told me it was a mutual break up, didn't admit it until his sister told me. or just morale in general that he would pursue someone when he has a gf already and while she had a bf, that's an affair isn't it? or the fact that he says, he's only loved me and has only said it to me, and i see that he's said he loves his ex and his affair buddy. also, the sweet talks and msgs he gives me, some quotes are reused =( i don't mention my past, but when asked, i would answer truthfully
Hkizzle Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Yeah exactly. So he's not a honest person. People often are blinded by their feelings, don't see the bad side when they are attracted to someone. But if a person has character flaws, they don't go away. Plus he's already lied to you if you think about it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 He sounds like my XH. The guy is a sex and love addict. He can easily and quickly fall in love with somebody and make it sound like the most fantastic thing ever to happen to him...and still be able to hit on other women. 6 weeks into he and I talking to each other and "dating," he gave me a promise ring to one day get married. 6 weeks into his most recent relationship, they're engaged. And yet, he was on IM trying to flirt me up, talking about our sex life and such. The honesty thing hit me, too. I'm big on honesty. There's no way I'd stay with a guy that exhibits the signs that you gave in your post because I've already been there and the heartbreak sucked.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 THanks for the honest opinions... yeah, i agree... just the other day, he promised me this and he promised me that, to put a ring on my finger and so forth, and the next, one big fight and he says he wants it to be over and doesn't want to make it work... then he says he wants to try, but yet, he doesn't text back, and etc... i'm only trying so hard to make it work bc he was my first... sigh i'm willing to overlook it when it's from the past, but he gives me a lot of empty promises and words, but no action... and i can't shake off the fact that he lies about it. if you admit to your mistakes, it's like you take responsibility for what happen, but if you lie, then it's like you still don't admit to your own faults.
boogieboy Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 The reason he lies about his past is because most women dont want to hear the truth. He's probably been through it before where he told the truth and women went running, and wont give him a chance at a clean slate. If he told you he cheated on his ex, youre automatically going to think that he might cheat on you, and then hes dead in the water anyway. Any serial cheater isnt going to admit that anyway, because they know its not the victims fault. The lines he gave you and the others are all the usual things women want to hear, its up to you to determine whether hes genuine or not. Unfortunately I dont know his side of the story, only yours, and you painted him to be untrustworthy. No one should be worried about their partners past, they should have enough confidence to know that they will satisfy their partner regardless of the past.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 the LD OW was pretty long time ago, about 2-3 years. they are still good friends and she has a bf of 2-3 years. i'm just bothered that he doesn't tell me stuff... i feel left in the dust. yes i'm painting a picture of him as an untrustworthy person because i feel that he's genuine when he tells me, he loves me, wants to marry me, we have a future, but his actions speak otherwise. once, he smoked, and he lied right in front of my face, saying that "he swears" he didn't smoke... i was soo guilty i accused him, but later he admitted to me he did. grrrr... but the worst thing is i don't feel comfortable bringing this up, bc it is me that llooked through his email...(bc i wanted to erase an email i sent him) if he did that to me, i would for sure blow a fuse... thanks for all the input!!! its the only thing keeping me sane lol
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 but the worst thing is i don't feel comfortable bringing this up, bc it is me that llooked through his email...(bc i wanted to erase an email i sent him) if he did that to me, i would for sure blow a fuse... Then why in the hell did he give you his password?
Lucky_One Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You looked back through 2-3 YEARS of old emails to find these? Lot of effort on your part to find some sort of evidence when all you *really* wanted to do was go and find the last email he received. You are never going to trust him again. Ever. He doesn't owe you intimate details of every relationship he has been in UNLESS he WANTS to give them to you. People often don't like to admit that they've cheated. Sometimes people like to think that they have done something wrong in the past and that their past shouldn't be held against them, and if they tell, then they will be unfairly judged in the present for their past actions. I feel sort of sorry for this guy, regardless of whether he cheated on his GF 2-3 years ago or not. His own sister narced him out, and his present GF is looking so hard for evidence that he is cheating on HER that she goes back through years of emails in his personal account. Reading his journal? YUCK. With or without his permission. Journals are private thoughts of people, not blogs. He didn't write it knowing that it would be read and his personal thoughts held against him.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 thank you for all the input, and thank you for making me feel worse than i did... lol, its okay, i understand that from the post i sound like a crazy woman. i trust him, completely, UNTIL things happened that if you are really curious about, i'll be happy to tell you in detail for you. be my shrink or therpapist, bc i feel like i need one!!! lol the sister was speaking to me, and she just assumed that i knew what had happened, if he didn't want to be *narced* out, then he should have told me himself... no BUTS, i can see where ppl might judge you differently if you cheated, but if you take responsibility for you actions and say, "look, i cheated, but i was stupid and young, and would never do it again, i learned my lesson" is so much more proactive than, lying, and then the truth being dug up, you still deny it until further persistent asking. (this really bothers me) it was not a journal, but more like a secret love note book passed between him and his gf, and yes, i shouldn't have read it, bc it's the past, and it just makes me feel worse about it. BUT that doesn't give him the right to tell me that he's never fallen in love and he's never said the LOVE word to any of his ex gfs. and about *really* finding about the email i sent it, yes, i admit, i was curious, but then again, he only saves the emails that he wants, so i did not have to *search* through, it was only on the 2 or 3rd page that i scanned that i saw the emails. and god knows that i feel horrible about this bc it is just wrong for me to look through his personal stuff. *we know each other's passwords and stuff, in case i dunno, sometimes, he sends stuff for me through his own email and vice versa* but honestly, i really value your input, i want to see all the opinions, and where everybody stands on this issue=)
Eclypse Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I personally agree with the guy. I've been in relationships before where I just got duped / lied to. It's pretty demoralising, and also embarrassing. I definitely don't want to talk about or even think about those things ever again. Especially not with a girl I'm currently dating! I thought I was in love once and it turned out to be a lie I was in love with. But I'm always willing to bounce back and try find that special someone. I don't think you should hold it against this guy, he's probably just trying to get over the past and focus on you.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 yes, i can see your point, thank you =) it's just i'm big on honesty, and it just really hurt me to find out the way i did. i wanted a guys opinion bc let's face it, sometimes, girls don't understand how guys think, and guys don't understand how girls think. actually, most of the time... lol
New Again Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 While I personally find some of your bf's behavior unattractive, it doesn't seem like he's really done anything wrong. It seems that he feels things very strongly - hence the "I love you and want to marry you" thing with everyone he's ever dated. It's unrealistic to think that you're the only girl he's ever loved. Just because he's felt that way in the past doesn't diminish what he feels for you now.
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