Heartbreak

[kogasu]

I just had my first heartbreak and thought that I had been doing well. I dated the guy for about a year and a half and we had taken some time apart before. The first time it killed me and I called/texted him all the time, but this time I decided to try to accept it for what it is. Not to say I'm still not grieving.

 

Then last night I went out with friends and had a pretty decent time, on the way home I passed by a bar he goes to on Sunday nights and it had been emptied out with firetrucks and ambulances all over the place. I panicked because I didn't know if he was there, I didn't want to call in case he was, so I texted him to see if he was okay and he never answered. I ran through all the questions. Is he hurt? Is he dying? Is he at the hospital? What happened?

 

But after this happened all my feelings came back. I realized that life is just so short and you shouldn't spend it not fighting for what you want. And honestly the thought of him being hurt and me possibly never seeing him again is making me want to fight for this. But I don't know if that's just plain foolishness. I just don't know what to do.

[marmaliade]

I thought so too and did everything that I could and fought,till one day I realized that fghting and wanting to do it must come frm the both sides, either wise it's a lost battle

[adamt]

No matter how hard it is the best thing to do in most cases is just not contact them. Focus on yourself and do things you enjoy doing. Hounding and hassling the ex will not work to bring them back.It can make it worse. I know how you feel and i've been fighting all feelings to contact the ex. The thought of making afool of myself stops be from contacting her.

[gavinus]

I think your reaction about worrying if the person is hurt or not is a valid one, but marmaliade had a valid point. I fought for 3 years to keep my relationship going, had to keep reassuring my ex we would make it, she left anyway, if somebody wants to be with you nothing on earth will stop them. Life is short, spend it with somebody who WANTS to be with you, stay strong

[kogasu]

I think your reaction about worrying if the person is hurt or not is a valid one, but marmaliade had a valid point. I fought for 3 years to keep my relationship going, had to keep reassuring my ex we would make it, she left anyway, if somebody wants to be with you nothing on earth will stop them. Life is short, spend it with somebody who WANTS to be with you, stay strong

 

 

Thanks to everyone for the advice and words of encouragement. I know it takes two to make a relationship work. But this time I feel like I may have hurt him too much for him to even want to try anything. I'll admit I let things outside of the relationship stress me out and I took that out on him; which wasn't fair, just immature and selfish. (Not taking the blame for the relationship meltdown, just taking responsibility for my actions).

 

He told me he feels like it didn't matter what he did, he couldn't make me happy. That he loved me and cared for me, he "gave me his whole heart" and it wasn't good enough for me. And I know that he did try, and I just was bothered by stuff and didn't show how much I really appreciated him and how grateful I was for him. I always thought he'd be there and we could work through anything together.

 

But can you ever fix something that you broke? Or will it always be this way? I've thought of writing him a letter or email about how I feel and that I want to work through this, because I thought it'd be a way for him to deal with it on his own terms. And also because whenever I try to talk to him in person I put my foot in my mouth and nothing I say comes out how I want it to. I just don't know how to prove to him I can change and I do truly love him, I was just being a young, naive female that didn't realize what she had til it was gone.

[scienceguy]

I was just being a young, naive female that didn't realize what she had til it was gone.

 

And sometimes that's just all it boils down to. A lot of dating comes down to growing up, and if you didn't appreciate him while you had him, then you'll have to accept your mistakes and make sure you don't make the same ones again.

 

Of course you can try to patch things up, but I think, in the big scheme of things, it's just a painful lesson you have to go through. I know it sucks. I made this type of mistake too.

[NightLord1]

It is ALWAYS possible to fix something that is broken. It may take a lot of time and effort but it can be done if both people are willing to give it a chance to make it work.

 

If you feel those feelings again thats good because then it shows you still have feelings for him and that you THOUGHT of him first when you saw all that at the bar.

 

If you feel you are in a position to be better in the relationship and that you believe you can truly do your part then go with your heart and give it a shot. You know how many guys in his position would LOVE to hear their ex say what you just said? A LOT.

 

If you feel that you hurt him a lot because of what he told you then you have to SHOW him you mean it. Words are simply meaningless because anyone can tell you anything but you have to show you mean it through ACTION because "action speaks louder then words." and in your exes case i'm sure he feels that way.

 

If there is anyway you can repair the damage i would say to SHOW him you mean it and to be CONSISTENT with those actions.

 

Good luck

[kogasu]

It is ALWAYS possible to fix something that is broken. It may take a lot of time and effort but it can be done if both people are willing to give it a chance to make it work.

 

If you feel those feelings again thats good because then it shows you still have feelings for him and that you THOUGHT of him first when you saw all that at the bar.

 

If you feel you are in a position to be better in the relationship and that you believe you can truly do your part then go with your heart and give it a shot. You know how many guys in his position would LOVE to hear their ex say what you just said? A LOT.

 

If you feel that you hurt him a lot because of what he told you then you have to SHOW him you mean it. Words are simply meaningless because anyone can tell you anything but you have to show you mean it through ACTION because "action speaks louder then words." and in your exes case i'm sure he feels that way.

 

If there is anyway you can repair the damage i would say to SHOW him you mean it and to be CONSISTENT with those actions.

 

Good luck

 

 

I'm unsure of how to go about it, but I really do want to make this work. Not to say I'm going to get obsessive and crazy; if he is truly unhappy with me and happier not being with me then I will have to love him enough to let go, but if there's anything I can do to fix this then that's what I want to do. But I have no idea how to go about it. I sent him an email and said:

 

You're right. I was selfish and stupid and it was just the plain foolishness that all women have. I'm clumsy and no matter how much I practice I manage to always mundle what I mean to say. But this is true

 

I love you.

 

All of you. Your stubborness, anal-retentive, never-on-time nature. All of it.

 

I hurt you and I know you want to deny it and blow it off; but I know I did. But I also know that underneath that hurt, you love me just as I love you, but you don't want to let me in again. You feel I don't deserve another chance. That I can't change and I'll stay the same, and you'll just feel pain again. But you will NOT. Sometimes we just make mistakes and all we can do is ask for forgiveness You say you think you'd be weak by letting me in. But there is no weakness in forgiveness. There's no weakness is giving love another chance.

 

When I thought you were hurt, when I thought I lost you, all of my pettiness went out the window. I was so relieved to know that you were okay. But when I didn't know that I was so scared, terrified. And that's when I knew that it was you, and it's always been you. I was a fool to think otherwise. I don't desperately need you, but I want you. I want to be the one next to your side. I want to watch you on stage. I want to hold your hand. I want to support you. I want to be the one that buys you your IPAs and cooks you Texas stew. Make chicken wings for all your friends Super Bowl weekend. I even want to ruin my shoes running through the dirt with you. I never thought I'd want these things, but I do. And I want them all with you. Because not only do I love you, but I care about you, admire you. No matter what I'll always be here for you.

 

You're not ready yet and you'll need time to think and decompress from all that's happened. But once you get through that I believe that you'll feel the love I feel for you and that you have for me. You said you gave me your whole heart and felt like it wasn't good enough. Well it is. Please forgive me and let me in. Just one last chance is all I ask. One last shot to prove it wasn't all worthless. Because it's not. It's worth the world.

 

Because I know that he doesn't want to see me right now and I do know he needs time. But now I'm unsure if that's what I should have done. Should I just wait now? How do I show him that I really care and that this wake-up call was just what I needed? Because you're right NightLord talk is cheap and actions do speak louder than words. But how do I take action?

[NightLord1]

Sending him what you sent was a good start. If you feel like he doesn't want to see you right now and an e-mail would be a good way to begin communication then that is in itself is an action on your part to reach out.

 

See what he does with it and how he responds. If he seems open and is in the right frame of mind then the next time give him a call. Don't just reply back to his e-mail actually pick up the phone and call him.

 

Again if he seems like he is open and friendly ask him to get together for something small like meeting up for coffee or something.

 

If he is still withdrawn and angry do not push it or push him. There's a good chance by just sending the e-mail you did he could sit on it for a while and think and it could stir feelings back up in him for you.

 

When someone is upset and angry with someone pushing them will only push them further away which causes more resistance. If you do not push then there is no resistance and they can fall forward towards you.

 

And if by chance he agrees to meeting up to see you and that works out taking action would be to ask him out or to ask him to get together and see the plans through, to do all those "little things" that people like in a relationship like just giving a massage without him asking, or to take his hand first, or picking up the check now and again.

 

Simple things like that can go a very long way in any relationship.

 

If your ex is anal retentive, stubborn, doesn't like to show up on time and all that you said and you still want to make it work then you will have to understand that is just how he is and he won't change unless he wants to on his own.

 

If you can except him as he is and still love him that is a good thing in itself.

 

Hope this helps more,

Regards