katty774 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I've been dating this guy for a few months that I have known for over 20 years. When he first approached me about dating we had been hanging out alot. I was hesitant about getting involved because we are friends. I even explained to him that I was resistant because he was just recently seperated from his wife (she left him for another man). Well things have been going great. He treats me better than any guy ever has. Its been a nice change. He wanted to be with me no matter what I was dong. I spend a lot of time with my family who lives out of town and he was always coming with me. He has totally won my family over (honestly had them smitten before me). He has bought me really expensive gifts and talks about our future.. Well now comes the sad part... last week we went out of town with my family. We got back and on Monday he sent me a text that read "GOing out of town for the day" I sent back a text that read "Have fun, be careful." I didn't hear from him that night which was odd because he calls me at least 2 times a day. The next night I still had not heard from him. I tried calling him because I was concerned. NO answer. For some insecure reason I sent him a txt that said " Sooo do you think we would have been better off just staying friends" He never got back to me. DOn't ask me why I sent that text because I don't know. By Wednesday I had not heard anything from him. I called and left him a message. I told him to let me know he was ok because I had not heard anything from him since he wemt out of town. I said to just let me know that he was ok. He sent me a text that said "Im OK" . WTF??? I sent him one back that ask if he was mad about something? He then sent me a text back that said " Its not you its me. Im not mad at you, I couldn't be mad at you. you have been good to me. I have no reason to be mad at you. I am sorry if I have troubled you in any way. thanks for all your good friendship and i really mean that. I was so upset, I sent him a text back that said -so I guess this is your way of telling me its over? He never text or called me back. I called a few times, left a few messages. even told him I missed him. I explained that I was confused as to why he wouldn't talk to me. He never called me back. I decided to leave it alone. I was so upset. My 5 week old nephew took sick and was hospitalized, its pretty serious, I got a text message on Sat. from him asking about the baby. He has been close to my family so I understood his concern. I text him back with the info. Like a DA I sent another text message that said " I know it don't matter to you anymore but I miss you> NO RESPONSE. Now I need to add that he was leaving for a week on Aug 1st for a hunting/fishing trip way up west. So he is now on his trip. I am going crazy here wondering what went wrong... I even played the rs off really cool because I was afraid of getting hurt. I was never clingy, etc. but he was to a certain extent. I would just love for someone to tell me if they think he met someone and dumped me or if it was something I did. I don't want to make excuses for him but I also dont want to let a good one go if I can help it. Please advise as to what I should do to get things back on track or if its just impossible.
carhill Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 He's just a jerk. I mean, who knows someone for 20 years and blows them off without so much as a personal conversation? Tell me, how many relationships has he had over those 20 years? Was he married the entire time? Since he's still married, maybe he and his wife came to 'an understanding'.
2sure Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Certainly he is behaving like a world class jerk. But that doesnt mean he IS one through and through. Divorce is one of life's crisis. The kind of tragedy that, regardless of who wanted it, makes us feel confused, at a loss, and insecure. Those feelings can make us act in ways that we normally wouldn't. A rebound relationship is natural. Especially with someone we already know, who we are comfortable with. Its an easy way to feel accepted/acceptable. This may provide you with some insight but does not excuse his behavior. It was cheap.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 This guy most likely never dealt with the loss of his marriage, so he jumped into your arms and spent every waking moment he could with you so he could run from the pain and not face reality. For some reason unknown to me, it most likely hit him finally that it was getting too serious with you and you weren't his wife. I truly believe the possibility he was being honest when he said it was HIM, not you. He was a fool who used you to avoid reality. He finally (hopefully) realized how big of a fool he was being. Or he jumped to ANOTHER girl, to feel like he was one step ahead of his cheating wife. Or he hurt you before you could hurt him, as he now has trust issues. He is a trainwreck now, no matter how you build the blocks. Your safest bet is to stay away.
carhill Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 He is a trainwreck now, no matter how you build the blocks. Your safest bet is to stay away. Good advice, and much more tastefully put than mine. Hope you're listening That said, I think he and his W are far from 'done'. Just an instinct. You've known them for 20 years so I guess you should have some really good instincts here too. Good luck
Author katty774 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 Its weird that you both brought up the divorce because thats exactly what I told him. When we first started talking about dating I told him we needed to wait at least 6 months because I didn't want to be a rebound plus divorce was confusing, etc. A lot of emotions going every direction. He assured me this wouldn't happen. They had split before and this time it was mutual etc. and he was over it. Still I reasoned that we should wait, of course we didn't. He did start acting weird when he found out his ex was living with anothr man. They have no children together. I did suspect when he started acting distant that maybe he was reuniting with his wife. Found out later this is not true because she is living with another man. I just feel awful because every warning I told myself and him seems to be coming true. He had even complained at one time that he couldn't tell if I really liked him or not. Seem to be real concerned about that. It was quite evident he cared for me. I feel stupid now because if I had listened to myself I would not have lost a friend. I know better than to date a friend but everyone especially my family really wanted me to give it a shot because he was such a nice guy and so good to me. Ive had a lot of jerks and they were ready for me to pick a good guy for a change.
carhill Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Perhaps you've 'lost' a friend, but at least the dynamic is honest. The only thing in life without risk is death.
Darren09 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I just dont get people who just run off without saying a thing. This always happens to me and i just feel like we all deserve the truth. N yet all i get are excuses and lies. People are scared of the truth but lies last longer and hurt more.
DidiLU Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I just dont get people who just run off without saying a thing. This always happens to me and i just feel like we all deserve the truth. N yet all i get are excuses and lies. People are scared of the truth but lies last longer and hurt more. 110% agreed. Just say something and mean it. I'd rather he told me even if it hurt rather then just ignorer me. Women may be complex but we don't run and hide like some men. Not bashing men just some mens level of thinking. Ignoring us is NEVER a good idea--EVER. Yadig.
DustySaltus Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Breaking up with someone via text is quite possibly one of the weakest things you can do. I mean you've known him for 20 years, it's just a real slap in the face and I've been through some serious stuff. I'm sorry that you had to deal with this but he's obviously a mess and not a man to do what he did.
mickleb Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hey Katty. So sorry to read what happened to you. I'm in a similar predicament, in that my guy treated me like really well, dated me for a year, absolutely adored me (from what I could gather) and then suddenly admitted to himself (and me) that his finances were shot to pieces and his life was a mess and he needed to sort himself out. I got the 'it's not you' thing and now silence. It's a complete headf**k and it's so hard to see them objectively because, up to this point, they were so nice. But how nice is behaviour like this? I would NEVER do that to someone. TXF said "He was a fool who used you to avoid reality." This sums it up for the both of us. It sucks, it is NOT FAIR and I am in f***ing agony over it. But I know it's happened. Don't blame yourself for taking your chances with a friend, btw. He couldn't have really been a friend, though, to blow you off with a text. What a tw*t. Sorry for all the starred swearing. I'm in a bad mood! Take care. x
Author katty774 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Thank you all for your wonderful words of wisdom. I agree that it is best to just be honest and tell us what is going on. Otherwise we worry ourselves to death with the what ifs, what now, etc. Anyway I just wanted to say thanks. I've not heard a word from him, guess I never will. Its just kind of weird to know that he is never going to be around again. I know I shouldn't care and he is a jerk for ending it the way he did... Well thanks for everything.
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I'm sorry, but why do you WANT to get things back on track with this man? Because he bought you expensive gifts and talked about your future? Tell you what honey, you can put them all in a box, and let me know the day you're able to trade them in for some caring actions. You know, like acknowledging you. Secondly, this person was in your life for 20 years and treats you horribly. Do you have a penchant for men who mistreat women and give them a reason to go crying on everyone's shoulder for sympathy, because "I'm such a nice, good hearted person, how can I be treated this way?" When half the time the women know full well what dog they are buying ahead of time. You didn't know the first time- Understandable. But now you are just insulting your own intelligence. Pure and simple. Let this one go.
NightLord1 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Could be a strong possibility that he may be seeing his wife again. You never know but i am just saying don't rule it out. As soon as i read your post that was the first thing that popped into my head that possibly his wife had gotten a hold of him and he may have gone to see what was up with her. He may just be too spineless to tell you that he was with her and that he wants to try it again with his wife. If you were friends for so long then this could be the only thing i could think of as to why he is behaving the way he would. An ex wife would trump whoever he was with regardless of how long he was friends with them and i'm sure that it wouldn't really bother him too much that he lost a friendship with you if it meant being back with his wife again. Just my opinion but i'm sorry that happened to you that's no way to be treated. Regards,
Author katty774 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Found out today from another source not him that he and his wife are getting back together. Yes everyone, you were right. Its weird how he swore up and down that he would never ever take her back and he did. I was very cautious and I told him in the beginning that I didnt want to date him because chances were he would go back. It was too soon, etc. Heres what hurts now, he could have told me. He knows me well enough to know that I wouldnt stand in his way if he wanted to reconcile. Im all for people trying to work things out. I feel better in a way now that I know what really was going on. No thanks to him. I broke no contact today after I heard the news, I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it said- I was told today about your reconciling with your wife. I always told you that you would. I hope you will be very happy and I do really mean that. At least now I know. I realize I shouldnt have sent any kind of message but I wanted him to kmow that I know. Its sad and Im going to miss my friend. I should start getting over it now that I know what the f--- is going on.
boogieboy Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Found out today from another source not him that he and his wife are getting back together. Yes everyone, you were right. Its weird how he swore up and down that he would never ever take her back and he did. I was very cautious and I told him in the beginning that I didnt want to date him because chances were he would go back. It was too soon, etc. Heres what hurts now, he could have told me. He knows me well enough to know that I wouldnt stand in his way if he wanted to reconcile. Im all for people trying to work things out. I feel better in a way now that I know what really was going on. No thanks to him. I broke no contact today after I heard the news, I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it said- I was told today about your reconciling with your wife. I always told you that you would. I hope you will be very happy and I do really mean that. At least now I know. I realize I shouldnt have sent any kind of message but I wanted him to kmow that I know. Its sad and Im going to miss my friend. I should start getting over it now that I know what the f--- is going on. if he told you, he wouldnt have gotten laid....see how that works?
Author katty774 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 if he told you, he wouldnt have gotten laid....see how that works? just for the record boogieboy- We were not having sex. I wanted to wait until his divorce was finalized. I just didn't feel right about it. Just thought I MIGHT need to add that.
carhill Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Sex is kinda the difference between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship, at least from a man's perspective. I have wonderful, loving, affectionate non-sexual relationships with women. They're called friendships. I have a similar situation (25 year friendship) and I'll guarantee you, if she was single, I'd be asking her out and we wouldn't be platonic waiting on my divorce to be final. My wife lives somewhere else and we have no emotional involvement at all. She'd either be all in (after 25 years, you know it's right or not) or I'd be gone. I just wanted you to hear another perspective from someone who is largely in the same position as this man is.
Recommended Posts