phineas Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I figure i'd start myself a new thread as I was bouncing around everyone elses & adding comments about my situation. So far, I am doing quite well when it comes to me. I'm living the single life half the week when I don't have the kids & i'm loving it. When I do have the kids I try to give them both all of my attention which is hard because the almost 3 yr old is very independant & wants to play one thing & the almost 1 yr old is crawling all over the house. LOL! I have been starting to feel a tad on the lonely side sometimes. I don't want a relationship. Not even sure if I want anything from a woman other than friendship & hanging out which is weird for me. But, I have to say I do enjoy not having to answer to a lieing cheating wife always looking for fault in me. I really am ok with my upcoming divorce. I fear the wife has other thoughts because OM has run for the hills. She tries to talk to me about her life when I call about the kids. She tries to talk to me about her life or her friends when we exchange the kids or asks me stuff about her car. The other day she told me she was hanging out with one of her friends & started telling me what she was doing. Yet that same friend called me up to tell me she was hanging out with a trashy crowd in a trashy bar. and I really don't care anymore. I just don't. She is like that annoying co-worker that won't stop talking to you about nothing when your obviously busy. I tell her I don't care or her car isn't my problem. I'm matter of fact about it though. not mean or nasty. Last night I took the kids to a family birthday party & dropped them off at her place. (she usually picks them up on her way home from work) She answered the door in a low cut tanktop & was not wearing a bra. Her nipples popped out the top every time she bent over to do something with the kids stuff on the floor or the kids themselves. She bent over quite a bit. My son asked me to stay & play with him & she told me I could. But I told him I had to go home & clean & he was ok with that. It felt like she told him to ask me to stay. I know my wife, she wore that top on purpose. She knew her nipples were poping out & she was giving me a show on purpose. I was talking to her about our kids & she's standing there with her nipple hanging out & you can't freaking tell me she didn't know. I just acted like I didn't notice & looked at my kids while talking to her because I didn't know what to say. She was trying to entice me & that honestly pisses me off considering how she treated me & used sex before to manipulate me. I'm angry with her. Not because of all the lieing & cheating she did to me,(i've hit the point where dwelling on that is fruitless) but what she did to our Son's. My oldest in particular. He's almost 3 yrs old. He doesn't understand whats going on. Between my house, her apartment & our families homes to watch him while we work he has no idea where he is going half the time. He has no structure in his life. At least, he is starting to refer to my house (where he was born) as home again. I realize he will NEVER get to grow up in a proper family spending time with his parents together because my wife is a selfish POS that only thought of herself. She knew what she was doing. She knew she was wrong & she knew what she was doing would end her marriage & break up our family & she still choose to do it. She knew that as soon as she could get the OM away from his GF she would just drop me & our marriage so she could be with him. Yet, after we seperated, she insisted, INSISTED we spent as much time together as a family as possible. More than she was ever interested in doing the last 2 yrs of her affair. It was all I had wanted for a while & it made both me & my son so happy. Before, my kid was actually used to us being in the same house but spending time with one parent or the other due to the baby & our opposite work schedules. She got him used to spending time equally with the both of us again knowing full well what was in the future. Was she doing it so our son could have some short lived semblance of what a family is like? Or was it just part of her scam? She knew what I wanted. my kids to grow up in a real family & she knew I would make almost any sacrifice to achieve that & knew she could use it to string me along. I'm just venting right now. I will NEVER take her back. She spent more time cheating on me in our marriage than being faithful. That alone tells me all I need to know to make sure this ends ASAP. I am truely better off without her.
lupa Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I'm just venting right now. I will NEVER take her back. She spent more time cheating on me in our marriage than being faithful. That alone tells me all I need to know to make sure this ends ASAP. I am truely better off without her. A-freaking-men, brother. Don't fall for it, she sounds like an attention-whore. Be true to yourself and your children, and this is something I've seen parents do over my lifetime that always confused the hell out of me -- do not talk to your children like they don't understand. They are smart people, and if you are honest and direct with them, even though they are three, they can get a lot of it. My dad always talked to me like an adult, and I think it was huge in shaping me. Of course I didn't get it all, but it was better than dumbing it down like others do. Maybe what I'm saying is if she is trying to use your child to manipulate your actions, dealing with your child directly by saying things like "I cannot stay extra today, son, though you know I love every minute we have together, and I will be back as soon as I can" will go a long way. Yes?
obscure Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 All you can really do now is make sure that those kids are taken care of. Give them all the love and attention you can and make sure they know you are there for them. It is so sad when a spouses selfishly poor decisions hurts the kids. Sorry about your situation, I feel your pain.
Author phineas Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 As the affair has been exposed to mutual friends after questions of why we were divorcing I came to realize she was full of crap about why she went online looking for someone else. She claimed it was because I disconected from her & ignored her because I played WOW all the time. I was collecting information for my lawyer just in case she decided to make it ugly & I noticed that she was chatting online with OM a whole month before I even started playing World of Warcraft. And she was allready hot & heavy with the sex talk with him. So she had registered before that on a dateing website. I'm not positive, but I believe she was still working at the same company as me when she started her affair & that may be why she switched to a 2nd shift job at a new company. I mean she took a job that basically allowed her to be home with her husband two nights week a yr & a half into marriage & it only paid an extra $50 / month before taxes? I think now she choose to distance herself from me as much as possible so she could have an opportunity to set up her 2nd life for her affair. It was also her that got me the game so I could play with my friends because she was only home two nights a week on the weekend. F%#K! Also, according to my logs I didn't play all that much until she was in a full blown sexual affair with this man & she was always visiting her sick grandma & starting arguments with me & telling me she needed her "space" & leaving for the day. I feel like a complete idiot for not realizing how much she did manipulate me so she could have her cake & eat it too. I know I contributed to the problems we had, nobody is perfect & there is always friction between couples, but for her to blame her affair on me for something that didn't even exist at the time? I remember she told me I made her feel less important than the game & I told her I didn't start playing the game until may of 2007 & she was allready chatting with OM on google in april & she went ballistic on me. I didn't remember until now because there were so many fights. I think she is just immature. Too imature for the responciblity of marriage & the bills & the having to stay home with the kids as a family. Her best friend has always said "friday is for dropping the kids off at your parents house & going out to party" I disagree with that 100% you don't spend your last bit of money at a bar when you have a little one at home. I guess she thought otherwise. Last night she came to pick up the kids & started lingering. I got her out of there ASAP with the excuse I wanted to spray down a bees nest in the foundation while there was still light. If she remains true to form she will coincidently be going home from shopping or doing laundry with the kids & stop by close to their bed time so I can hug & kiss them good night tomarrow & thursday night. In reality I think she is checking up on me to see what I do when I don't have the kids. This troubles me because i'm afraid she might try to reconcile towards the end & get really nasty if I don't want to.
MrMayI Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 be careful, phineas, but you already know all there is to know. it reads to me like she IS buttering you up to try and reconcile. i would really want to have the D between you before you tell her a straight out no. let her believe whatever she wants, but you know better.
SRV Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 You are handling yourself well. Document, document, document..have a journal and document everything, times, dates, activities with your kids, picks ups, drop offs, it might be your ammo and saving grace when and if she does a 180 and gets nasty. Good luck!
Author phineas Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 she is playing the game. Too bad i'm not. She drops off the kids in her slut-wear. A black tennis dress slit up to her waist that leaves nothing to the imagination & tells me she is going out after work so she'll call the kids good night ealier. Is she trying to make me jealous? She has been wearing that same dress the last 3 tuesdays to work. I don't know who she thinks she's fooling. If she was seeing someone she wouldn't wear the same damn dress every week to meet him out. LOL! She really must underestimate my intelligence. This is all bubling up because I went to a family birthday party over the weekend & the rest of the family was asking me if my wife was working & if she was coming out & I just had to let them know what was going on. Then they wanted to know if we could get past the affair for the kids & I had to give them some details about the way she acted & they were asking questions & things clicked & they told me I was better off without her. LOL! I am being civil. I have given her the choice to leave her china cabinet, dining room table, & buffet at my house instead of paying for a storage shed. She can have that stuff anytime. I can get that stuff very cheap anyways off craigs list. The reality is she has nobody to move it for her & I refuse to be her monkey anymore, so it'll sit there until she finds a new Boyfriend to help her move it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 PHINEAS! omfg. you sound so rational and calm and so decent to be away from a toxic situation. Congradulations, now this example is what im talking about when I tell guys to let go and detach, you only hurt yourself by holding on to a woman who isnt who you thought she was, and vice versa. The cheating and lying changes the marriage for the good or the worse. I also must warn phin the minute you start dating a woman seriously and shje is bettert than the ex, she will become jealous and angry over it. Prepare for the drama later down the line. I bet she might even cry a little or too when you receive the divorce decree.
Author phineas Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 PHINEAS! omfg. you sound so rational and calm and so decent to be away from a toxic situation. Congradulations, now this example is what im talking about when I tell guys to let go and detach, you only hurt yourself by holding on to a woman who isnt who you thought she was, and vice versa. The cheating and lying changes the marriage for the good or the worse. I also must warn phin the minute you start dating a woman seriously and shje is bettert than the ex, she will become jealous and angry over it. Prepare for the drama later down the line. I bet she might even cry a little or too when you receive the divorce decree. Well chrome I have to say back when I first started posting I thought you were the biggest ass-hat i'd ever seen on an advice forum. I have to say I was wrong. I was the ass-hat for not seeing what was right in front of me & you were only trying to point it out as bluntly as possible. I'm just about emotionally empty when it comes to her. It's weird because I thought i'd never feel this way. I still get "she registered on singles.net" popping into my head every once in a while & think WTF?!? that part of all this still floors me. It's really all I need to know to move on. The only thing she has going for her is that she is my childrens mother & I will be civil for their sakes. I doubt I will date anyone seriously for a while, but i'm also not taking a vow of celibacy either. She is very jealous. I gave up my single female friends because she didn't trust them. No biggie for me. I didn't hang out with them much anyways because I had a GF. Of course when it came to her "just friends" OM she claimed she never asked me to give up my woman friends & it wasn't her fault I thought that's what she wanted. LOL! I expect trouble. I also expect to tell her all contact must be done through text message when that happens so I can have a record of everything she says. But i'll cross the bridge when I get to it.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 you def got through this pretty strong. Congrats and don't take her back
Author phineas Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 you def got through this pretty strong. Congrats and don't take her back I could never trust her again. You cannot have a future with someone you don't trust. Not a happy one anyways.
LisaUk Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You sound like you are doing great Phin, I wish I was as emotionally detached and as self preserving. I'm just starting to get there I think, day one of deciding to focus my mind on how he hurt me and how I could never take him back, not unless he has made a full recovery with the aid of a therapist for his CP, even then I would not even agree to talk to him without an MC present. Highly unlikely senerio, so, like I said self presevation, time to get angry and get distant. You sound like you have this down already!
Author phineas Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 You sound like you are doing great Phin, I wish I was as emotionally detached and as self preserving. I'm just starting to get there I think, day one of deciding to focus my mind on how he hurt me and how I could never take him back, not unless he has made a full recovery with the aid of a therapist for his CP, even then I would not even agree to talk to him without an MC present. Highly unlikely senerio, so, like I said self presevation, time to get angry and get distant. You sound like you have this down already! I've only been with her 7 or 8 yrs and coming up on 4th anniversary which unfortunatly will happen before divorce. A small amount of time compared to you & your relationship. But basically for me, all the **** she put me through, all the lies she told other people, all the mean things she said about me to OM & his family, all the duplicity just to have her cake & eat it too..... She was supposidly in love with this OM yet pulled me into her bathroom & hopped up on the sink for quickies. We screwed all over her apartment like bunnies. Yet, she was "in love" with the OM? I really don't know what happened to her, but she went off the deep end. She knew she would loose me if she kept doing what she was doing & didn't seem to care. sorry, but there are people out there satisfied & grateful for what they have. I am a man with a job. I am a man that provided a house. I am a man that can fix her car. I never hit her. I never cheated on her. I never flirted with other women when in her presence. I showed her total respect when in public. I never lied to her about where I was or where I was going either. I was an open book as I thought a husband should be. She attempted to trade me in for: someone still living with their parents. Making less money than me. Cheating on his GF with her. didn't care she was married when he first started screwing her. Too stupid to ask to see divorce papers after she said she was divorced. granted, I got fat I went from 220lbs of muscle to 250lbs of strong fat guy in the yrs we'd been together. But, she packed it on also with the first baby. Guess what? I didn't care. She was my wife & I loved her. She went from 90lbs to 150lbs since i'd kown her & I could of cared less. And she tried to trade me in for a boytoy. she's damaged goods now. Hmm, guess i'm still in the anger stage a little. LOL!
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Ever hear of the expression that affair partner trades down. It's a deeper meaning of their internal workings. They usually pick someone completely opposite of their spouse. Weird but somewhat true. It happened to me and I couldnt believe it, but in the end i know it wasnt my fault she was screwed in the head! lol. lol@ass-hat?
LisaUk Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hi Phin Thank you for trying to make me feel better, you loved your w no matter how long you were together, length of relationship does not necessarily represent depth of feelings. Your w treated you like s**t, I am so pleased that you have not allowed her to destroy your self respect and have been able to see her for what she is. My ex took advantage of me sexually, only once, towards the end of our relationship, your w did this repeatedley, disgusting. I feel so bad for what she put you through and is still putting you through. You absolutley have the right attitude, this is not someone who deserves to be by your side, ever.
lupa Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I am a man with a job. I am a man that provided a house. I am a man that can fix her car. I never hit her. I never cheated on her. I never flirted with other women when in her presence. I showed her total respect when in public. I never lied to her about where I was or where I was going either. I was an open book as I thought a husband should be. Fantastic list. Print that mofo out and reread it all the time.
Author phineas Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Hi Phin Thank you for trying to make me feel better, you loved your w no matter how long you were together, length of relationship does not necessarily represent depth of feelings. Your w treated you like s**t, I am so pleased that you have not allowed her to destroy your self respect and have been able to see her for what she is. My ex took advantage of me sexually, only once, towards the end of our relationship, your w did this repeatedley, disgusting. I feel so bad for what she put you through and is still putting you through. You absolutley have the right attitude, this is not someone who deserves to be by your side, ever. Just be happy you don't have kids. He can be gone forever. Mine can't because of the kids. To be honest, I didn't mind the sex part. It was when she dragged it out for 3 months I got to wondering what was really going on. I suspected it was merely her just really wanting to be single again & my therapist confirmed this possibility. The fact she was sleeping with him also & without using a condom irks me. Especially since he was sleeping with his GF at the same time. What she is doing is pathetic & amusing to me. I believe this is nothing. The calm before the storm. As D-Day comes closer I expect it to really hit the fan
Saxis Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 What she is doing is pathetic & amusing to me. I believe this is nothing. The calm before the storm. As D-Day comes closer I expect it to really hit the fan How close is that? It'll probably have it's ups and downs in the meantime, especially if she's trying to do a half-arsed reconciliation. She'll try luring you with sex, then hating you, then being very agreeable until it's back to the luring. You might be surprised just how sane and agreeable she can act when the day comes... They get so crazy, sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between the sincere and the fake. What I do: Assume everything is fake... When she hits one extreme, shrug and move along. When she hits the other extreme, shrug and move along. When I reach my point of toleration, I post here.
edpowers Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 damn.. i can related to you on so many level.. the worst thing is I didn't get all these information/knowledge before my case became what it is today.. and my 'job' is to 'look for info and synthesize it'.. what a shame..
Author phineas Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 4 to 6 months to sign divorce papers. apparently the courts are backed up due to budget cuts so it's a waiting game now.
Author phineas Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 So, Wife called me today. Our oldest son (3) was not listening to her. Hasn't listened to her all day. was throwing his food across the room just to be defiant. She needed me to talk to him over the phone because she couldn't deal with him. It was classic. She yelling to me that she can't deal with him anymore & the 1 yr old is screaming his head off in the background. WTF?!?! He's barely a discipline problem when I have him. The youngest? he screams a lot lately. he's just at the point of pulling himself up to a standing position. He tries to do it %80 of the time & screams in frustration when he's trying to do it %100 of the time. It's kinda funny. just hurts the ears. I really don't think she thought this whole thing through with the kids. There's an understatement. I personally don't think she spends as much time actually paying attention to oldest as I do. I know for a fact she spent the last two yrs ignoring our oldest during the day when I was at work talking to her boyfriend on the internet or texting him. She would just let him wander about or watch TV. I never did that when I had him nights. I always took the little guy to the playground & ran him around a few hrs & got him nice & tired so he'd go to sleep nice & early & sleep through the night. Guess that's called bonding with your child. I really hope she does that. I really don't want to spend the foreseeable future disciplining my kid over the phone because his doesn't know how to be a parent.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 It's sad. but she's the parent she should be in control of the situation on her end. maybe the kid is crying because he wants attention or something from it's mother, did she even think of that???
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 UFB! That fathers can be better parents than some mothers!
RiceBall Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 The whole separate parenting thing sounds really difficult. Maybe there are some classes you could take or books that you could read and suggest to her that might help with these issues? Also, and I'm not taking up for her at all, but not everyone has the same tolerance level when it comes to listening to a 1 year old scream. Maybe for you it's no big deal, but for her it could be major stress.
Author phineas Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 The whole separate parenting thing sounds really difficult. Maybe there are some classes you could take or books that you could read and suggest to her that might help with these issues? Also, and I'm not taking up for her at all, but not everyone has the same tolerance level when it comes to listening to a 1 year old scream. Maybe for you it's no big deal, but for her it could be major stress. EVERYTHING lately is major stress for her. She has turned into a major drama queen. She made our son food. He didn't want it. He was throwing it. Well, i'm no expert, but when he doesn't want the food I make him, I cover it with plastic wrap & put it in the fridge. He usually comes back to me an hr later saying he wants it then he eats it. Or I just bribe him with something if he eats & tell him it's a rule. He may only be 3, but he's understood since he was 2 that he won't get from me what he wants unless I get from him what I want. I've told her this is what she needs to do in these situations & she either forgets or just doesn't want to listen to me.
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