wow123 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 My ex came back only to leave again acting the same way she did when we broke up (when she met someone else). The same guy is now back in the picture of course (Not sure if they ever broke up) I'm sure everyone is going to tell me to go NC. Why does staying in contact help your ex (the dumper) get over you?
andreww Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 think of it this way. if you were still with your ex just say. and someone was after you still who you saw as a downgrade from her would you be interested?
utterer of lies Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 My ex came back only to leave again acting the same way she did when we broke up (when she met someone else). The same guy is now back in the picture of course (Not sure if they ever broke up) I'm sure everyone is going to tell me to go NC. Why does staying in contact help your ex (the dumper) get over you? Because people idealize the past. Very much so. Staying in contact reminds her again and again that you are only human, too, that you have faults and things she doesn't like about you.
hopesndreams Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Staying in contact with you gives her the chance to wean herself off you. As soon as she is over you completely, she will no longer need you as a friend. She still has feelings for you, but the feelings are weak, hence screwing around on you. It's a selfish game to her. Time to tell her take a hike and move on with your life, without her.
CaliGuy Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 My ex came back only to leave again acting the same way she did when we broke up (when she met someone else). The same guy is now back in the picture of course (Not sure if they ever broke up) I'm sure everyone is going to tell me to go NC. Why does staying in contact help your ex (the dumper) get over you? Staying in contact with the ex helps them get over you because.... 1. You're doing all the wrong things (begging, pleading, etc). 2. You have no time to disatance and heal. 3. You have not had time to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. 4. They have no time to miss you. 5. If you're not around, you can't make mistakes. 6. Time, space, etc helps you both. Helps her miss you, helps you heal and be stronger. 7. Sticking to NC allows you to move on with your life helping you heal as fast as you possibly can. Any questions?
seibert253 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Staying in contact with you gives her the chance to wean herself off you. As soon as she is over you completely, she will no longer need you as a friend. She still has feelings for you, but the feelings are weak, hence screwing around on you. It's a selfish game to her. Time to tell her take a hike and move on with your life, without her. Right on the money. Memorize the last sentence then put it into practice.
Author wow123 Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Well I was the one who screwed up in the relationship. If she is with someone else and I still want her back what is the best thing to do?
CaliGuy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Well I was the one who screwed up in the relationship. If she is with someone else and I still want her back what is the best thing to do? Move on with your life. Period. You can't make her love you and "waiting around" or trying to convince her to come back is futile. You'll just chase her further away. If she wants to come back it will be on her own and not something you did. Only NC insures you won't screw it up any further.
Author wow123 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I thought I was done. We work together and see eachother everyday which makes it very difficult when she says things just to keep me on the hook. I'm not dumb I know that is her intent but it's still hard.
CaliGuy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I thought I was done. We work together and see eachother everyday which makes it very difficult when she says things just to keep me on the hook. I'm not dumb I know that is her intent but it's still hard. I am going though something similar to you. I work with my ex and see her every day as well (and she is dating someone else who no longer works here, so I got some relief in that aspect). While she is not approaching me directly anymore, she is doing other things to keep me on the hook. We don't talk often at work but when we do it sets me back and just boosts her self-esteem. This is not good for me, which is why I try to avoid talking to her. It makes me appear to be bitter about the situation (and maybe I am). The only reason she wants to talk to me is boost her self-esteem when her boyfriend is not doing the things that she wants (such as going to Church). She'll threaten to break up with him, start talking to me, he says "Ok I'll go" and then whole cycle starts over again (when he doesn't do what she wants). What ends up happening is I become a "pawn" in her current relationship. She is using me to feel better about herself and against her b/f (to manipulate him, such as threatening to leave him if he won't go to Church with him. It's really an unhealthy relationship if you ask me). This is NOT a good thing. The only way I can see out of this sitution is for me to avoid her. Not be rude but just don't talk to her. Mind my own business, do my own thing and let God sort things out. You need to do the same. If she tries to talk to you, tell her you're busy. Try and ignore her as much as possible without being rude (nothing good about being bitter, trust me). I can't wait till I meet someone I'm interested in so that I won't be tempted to engage her in conversation. And yes, I know I am big on NC but like I've said many times, I have a difficult time taking my own advice when it directly involves me.
trueblue72ny Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Can I join this trio? I work with my ex gf too. I see mine all the time as well. We stopped officially dating about a year ago. But we’ve always kinda been in touch. I go no contact, than she will email me. Or walk by and make noise, etc. for the last year she was trying to date her other ex but that didn’t work out. so than about a month ago we decided to “hang out” we have been hanging out a bunch. It was good -or I thought it was. Now I found out today she told me she met some one new who asked her out to dinner and she said yes. Says its too soon to tell were its going to go, but if I still want to be friends and hang once in awhile its ok. Is any of this sounding familiar? Am I sounding like a tool? Or a pawn? like others around here. Kinda yes. As much as I say its all good and we can hang as just friends, have overnight stays, etc. it messes with my mind. This time however I have not reacted negatively or said anything. I just said I think it stinks you aren’t interested spending time /nights with me. But I wont cry about it. good luck. That is exactly what I have just said at 12:03pm eastern time. it feels like i am the backup. oh ed, he'll always be around because he is crazy about me. so i can go out and do what i want and if it doesnt work out with some guy, ed will always be there. ed is there when life sucks, but when its good im going to go out and have a good time without him. we were really together at one point in the past as we dated for years, but now since this keeps happening I have become a “pawn” as caliguy put it. the back up. the go-to guy when life sucks. but to be someones pawn really messes with your head, and that is why no contact is the best way to go until you have healed and do not care what she does and with who. it is tough tho when you work with her and she wont leave you alone to do that. Now my hell has just started all over again. 2hours and 57mins into it. I wont email her or contact her. If there is ever a next time I hope I will be smart enough to just tell her I am really only interested in hanging out with people who are interested in me. I hope , and I am praying that I meet someone I’m interested in so that I wont be tempted to engage her in conversation. i pray i meet a good woman so i wont think about her anymore. I thought that by letting her come over and hanging out there might be a chance that something could happen begin again with us. but its pretty obvious i was just being used. but than again you can never know that until you try. painful lesson. guess thats just part of life. is any of this sounding familiar to anyone out there?????
Author wow123 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Caliguy and Trueblue, It seems as though the 3 of us are in the same situation. They know we love them and want them and know what to do and say to try to keep us from moving on. They know they don't want us right now, but aren't sure if they may want us sometime in the future whether it's temporary or for good. It's really tough.
CaliGuy Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Caliguy and Trueblue, It seems as though the 3 of us are in the same situation. They know we love them and want them and know what to do and say to try to keep us from moving on. They know they don't want us right now, but aren't sure if they may want us sometime in the future whether it's temporary or for good. It's really tough. Well I am pretty sure my ex doesn't want me back. And like I said, the more you talk to them, the more you push them away. When I pull back, she gets friendly. When I talk to her, she pulls away. It's NOT a fun ride. This, from the guy who is hard core NC. Even *I* have trouble with it sometimes. The more you talk to them, the more you feed their ego. Let them wallow in their own crapulence! They made that bed, they can sleep in it. I'd much rather focus my time on someone that wants to be with me, ya know?
Author wow123 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Well we all know what we should do. The hard part is actually following through on it. Caliguy, My ex does the same thing. I backoff and she asks what's wrong and starts talking to me. If I start talking to her she is cold and distant. She obviously doesn't want me back. Not right now while she is with the other guy anyway.
Leveller Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I too am in a very similar position to you guys. I got out of the picture in May after she went back to her current bf after sleeping with me six times over a two week period and hanging out together. Did NC for two months, she avoided me (we live 30 seconds apart) and still does, but broke NC about a month ago because it felt right for me and I am not an NC purist. Anyways we had about 4 hours of texting one night and she gives me twenty (jealous) questions about who I am seeing etc. then I get an invite to get a bite to eat which we did. In the time together she flirted like hell (consciously or unconsciously I don't know) and she explained why she didn't go back with me - I didn't ask. Saw her out one day and spoke to her and got the cold shoulder as 'we can't be seen together because things are going well between me and my bf and people will think something is going on between us and I should get over it'. Exchanged a few texts since (last about 2 weeks ago), told her I will stay silent about what went on between us and that's where I am. So I sympathise greatly with all of you and this situation still pains me - no contact or not. We're not kids either (I'm 36, she's 44). Caliguy, I'm seeing a different side to you and it's a good side, not wishing to offend, but caring and human.
Leveller Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Caliguy and Trueblue, It seems as though the 3 of us are in the same situation. They know we love them and want them and know what to do and say to try to keep us from moving on. They know they don't want us right now, but aren't sure if they may want us sometime in the future whether it's temporary or for good. It's really tough. This also feels true for me.
Author wow123 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Caliguy, Trueblue, and Leveller, Are all of you ex's with someone new and still playing games with you? If so why? In case the new guy doesn't work out or just because it makes them feel good about themselves?
trueblue72ny Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Caliguy, Trueblue, and Leveller, Are all of you ex's with someone new and still playing games with you? If so why? In case the new guy doesn't work out or just because it makes them feel good about themselves? my ex hasnt been as far as i know but she has tried. she tried to rekindle it with her other ex when i first got dumped a year ago. we are open with each other about people we have met since we broke up. that didnt work out with him. so i started hearing from her again. at least that is my perspective. she would probably tell you something different like i was a jerk and that is why she ignored me. but to me it seems like a pattern. i seem to be good when the chips are down or when she is depressed or there are no other interests around. but as soon as that changes i am history while she sees if something is going to happen. than if it doesnt i am back in the picture again with emails and phone calls. i didnt know what was going to happen until i went thru it with her. recently, all of july we have been hanging. and i just got kicked to the curb yesterday because some guy asked her to dinner last week. now it starts all over again. i guess we will see what happens (again). at first i ask questions, because we are supposed to be friends. she just told me yesterday - EXACT WORDS " if you still want to be friends and hang out once in awhile, ok.." than she gets annoyed like i am some nagging x prying. so i say later because im not going to play that role. than after some time i usually get an email asking me how i am doing. everytime i get kicke din the nuts i am shaken up about it, but each time it happens i get a little less upset. its hard to say no to that girl that you like being with and she knows it. so yes, i feel like now i am the back up plan in case the new interest doesnt work out AND also to make herself fell better about herself when the chips are down for her. its crazy. i pray everyday i meet someone new so i can move on from this abusive love nightmare. it is heart wrenching and painful. i would rather amputate a finger than feel this.
Author wow123 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Unreal. They are all playing games. Mine left me for a guy, came back, now is back with him. She said she is not ready "right now" to get back into a relationship with me. Trying to keep me on the hook again.
trueblue72ny Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Unreal. They are all playing games. Mine left me for a guy, came back, now is back with him. She said she is not ready "right now" to get back into a relationship with me. Trying to keep me on the hook again. if you ask me she is trying to keep you on the hook. just in case ding dong doesnt work out. that is such a line " not ready right now" give me a break. dont worry i am sure you will hear from her again if oyu want. leave her alone and i am sure you will hear from her again unless you did sometihng mean like burn her house down. when the chips are down, old reliable you is there to soothe her. it is games as far as i am concerned. i dont know were you are at. but i am only on day two here. i still probably have at least a month or two before i hear from mine again. after all, we're 'friends' and we can hang out once in awhile if we want too so the door is open... right? iya ok, its only open for her on her one way street if you ask me. this is fresh again for me so i am on edge again. sorry. i might as well just go out with some girl friends i know. what the heck. this is so stupid. one day we can talk the next we cant. it has happened so many times already. i get cut right off. uggggggg. i wish you could of seen it 5 weeks ago she was sooooo depressed, her life was crumbling down around her. so i picked up her spirits. this is the thanks i get 5 weeks later. the very first guy that shows her a flicker of interest and i am kicked to the curb. i feel like i am pathetic to keep talking to her. but yet somehow i think someday i can win her over. it is maddening.
Author wow123 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Well they are sneaky enough to give us that false hope...and we are being dumb enough to buy into it. Our fault. If we did this with them...what would they do? WALK AWAY
br0kinhart Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Quick recap... 2 1/2yr relationship... spent every moment with her... shared every thought with her... she leaves.... 2 months after we start talking again... now Im at the 3rd month of broken up and we are still dating casually.... but!!!! Im in the middle of these games right now and honestly I dont know if I have the patience for them much longer..... is that what these games are? A test of patience? We can talk today but not tomorrow... You can call me whenever... just not right now.... I still love you but cant be in a relationship right now... right now right now right now..... Its sad that some women cant just say, NO I DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE! It causes so much strife, pain, anguish, depression, desperation.....yada yada yada..... I can sympathize with you guys! There is no answers to the questions we have... Everyone's situation is different. But a word of advice... DONT DO WHAT I DID AND CHASE HER!!!! DONT DO IT! WHEN THINGS DONT GO THE WAY YOU IMAGINED YOU NOT ONLY LOOSE YOUR WOMAN BUT YOUR SELF RESPECT AS WELL! Let her go! Im such a hypocrite because I'm having a hard time letting go.... BUT ITS WHAT WE NEED TO DO!!!! :-(
Losing Faith Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I know what you guys are going through..... These games are cruel and painful! The more I try to make plans with my ex, the more he blows me off. But as soon as I start walking away, he starts contacting me and wanting to know what I am up to. I need to learn to give up hope on him. It's like he doesn't want me... but yet he doesn't want to let me go. I need to start NC before I lose it!
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