thekner Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 So I've known my friend for almost three years and the entire time that I've known him he has been married with 2 kids, which to me means "off-limits". About a week or two ago we were upstairs at our working place [projection booths] and we were walking to the place where we set our stuff down and he says "God - I'm so horny right now.... do you want to have sex?" He's known as the workplace prankster and comedian. Of course I think he's kidding so I start laughing and I say "Maybe later" and I think nothing of it. He doesn't bring it up again that day. So a few days go by and he asks again. I ask him if he's serious and he tells me that he is. So this time I give him a firm "no". He asks me why not, and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "Because you're married with two kids." And his reply to that was "So... what happens here stays here. She doesn't have to know about it." And I tell him no again. So a few more days go by and he tells me that him and his wife are having problems and that they broke off their relationship. I tell him I hope things get better. He asks again. And again, I say "no". So yesterday I was working on the floor and he tells our house manager that I wont have sex with him and my house manager thinks hes joking as well and says "Why not?" I tell her hes being serious and she doesn't believe me. So later in the day me, him, and another co-worker go to have lunch together and he tells her that he was sad that I turned him down while I'm standing right there. So I got really embaressed that he was bringing this up to yet another co-worker. Our whole lunch they just talked about sex and he said that he would have sex with his wife 10 times a day if she would let him and that he masturbates at work and stuff. So now I think he has a sexual addiction or that he has some neurological disorder that makes him hypersexual or something. And after all that happened, he asked me again. I really dont know how to get him to understand that the first time I said "no", [when I realized he wasn't joking] that I really did mean "no". He's my good friend and I do plan on staying friends with him, but this is just getting really akward and uncomfortable... Especially since when we run projectors it's just the two of us upstairs. Advice anyone? Thank you very much. I really do appreciate it.
2sure Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 OK. he is your good friend, you work together, and he is a bit of a jokester. You arent saying you are completely offended and appalled ...but you should be. You are being violated. Tell him point blank: It isnt just that you're married. Even if you were single, I'm just not attracted to you. The assumptions you are making and the visual images you are creating by sharing your sexual malfunctions....disgust me. I fear that this disgust will soon affect our friendship and our professional relationship. Yuck. You have to stop. Its just grossing me out. That should shut him down. If it doesnt, you have told him no and met all the requirements for a lawsuit.
carhill Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 So, report to HR in writing that this man is sexually harassing you. That oughta shut him up. He's not a friend. He's a horny guy who has had his sexual sights on you for some time. That's my opinion.
2sure Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 What is so terrible here is that he, for some reason, feels you are the kind of woman who would go for it. Not only that but he doesnt feel the need to take no for an answer and doesnt seem to think you are worthy of the bare minimum of respect. Even to others. When he comments on his own masturbation and includes you as a topic while talking to others....what do you think they think of you? You have to stand up here.
WalkInThePark Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 So, report to HR in writing that this man is sexually harassing you. That oughta shut him up. He's not a friend. He's a horny guy who has had his sexual sights on you for some time. That's my opinion. This is harassment. From what you write I think you two are colleagues. You should report this to Human Resources. This talk about being horny and masturbating is also totally inappropriate.
Devil Inside Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Sounds like sexual harassment. Since he is a "friend" tell him how this behavior makes you feel and what will happen if he continues. Then follow through. Good luck.
bentnotbroken Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I am a blunt person. I would have no problem telling him, that if he insists on behaving like a toddler wearing an over used huggie, then you will treat him that way and tell his mommy(wife) that he has behaviors he needs to have reined in.
2sure Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 The more I think about this, the more offensive it is. He is using "just kidding" and sarcasm to get away with sexual harassment and public humiliation. PM me, I want to kick his a**.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 What is so terrible here is that he, for some reason, feels you are the kind of woman who would go for it. Not only that but he doesnt feel the need to take no for an answer and doesnt seem to think you are worthy of the bare minimum of respect. Even to others. When he comments on his own masturbation and includes you as a topic while talking to others....what do you think they think of you? You have to stand up here. I don't think this has to do with the OP at all. I would bet he treats many women this way and perhaps all. I also think it's weird that his other co-workers wouldn't say something about this being inappropriate. Jerking off at work? That's nothing to go bragging about.
Phateless Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 So, report to HR in writing that this man is sexually harassing you. That oughta shut him up. He's not a friend. He's a horny guy who has had his sexual sights on you for some time. That's my opinion. Bingo. He's not behaving like your friend and he never was. He always wanted to sleep with you and was waiting for an opportunity. I don't know why he chose now but he's made his true intentions very clear. Cut him off.
Enema Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Good example of how women think they can have platonic male friends and be oblivious to the truth of it. He's been trying to tune you from day 1.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Rreporting is a double edged sword. If your boss didnt think it was a problem and you report him, will it lead to repurcussions? If hes disgusting enough to talk about jerking off at work, will they say hes just like that with everyone? yes hes creating a "hostil environment" from a sexual harrassment perspective but noone seems to mind. It sounds like you have a very laid back work place and you dont want to be the one to ruin the mood so to speak. Is it fair? no. Is it realistic? yes. Do you have to be alone with him? If you do, then you need to report. If you dont and he is not your superior at work and can't impinge on your work in any way just try to avoid him. Hes an idiot but noone there seems to care. By rights your boss should have pulled him aside and told him to knock it off. And if you report you will in essence be reporting her too for failure to respond to your complaint. So tread carefully.
Phateless Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Rreporting is a double edged sword. If your boss didnt think it was a problem and you report him, will it lead to repurcussions? If hes disgusting enough to talk about jerking off at work, will they say hes just like that with everyone? yes hes creating a "hostil environment" from a sexual harrassment perspective but noone seems to mind. It sounds like you have a very laid back work place and you dont want to be the one to ruin the mood so to speak. Is it fair? no. Is it realistic? yes. Do you have to be alone with him? If you do, then you need to report. If you dont and he is not your superior at work and can't impinge on your work in any way just try to avoid him. Hes an idiot but noone there seems to care. By rights your boss should have pulled him aside and told him to knock it off. And if you report you will in essence be reporting her too for failure to respond to your complaint. So tread carefully. While you are right about the real world aspect of it, I really don't like this train of thought because it reinforces the lack of consequence for sexual harassment and makes it difficult for people being harassed to report it. The only way to change that is if people who are being harassed stand up for themselves in some way. OP: I think the best course of action would be to have a brief chat with your superior, just to let him or her know that you feel your friend's behavior is inappropriate and you will talk to him yourself. That way you have some backup if he still doesn't lay off but it shows that you are making a sincere effort not to cause drama or make waves. The other benefit to this is that it paves the way for someone else to come forward if they are also feeling uncomfortable but too afraid to say anything. Tell your friend, "listen, I know you're just joking around and you do it with everybody but this is going too far for me and it's making me feel uncomfortable. I really don't want to bring this up with the supervisors because we're friends and I think we should be able to work this out on our own, but if this behavior continues I don't see an alternative." Combine this word track with my aforementioned idea of filling in the supervisor without "reporting it" and you're protected in case this guy decides to get vindictive and attempt to turn the tables on you somehow. Win-win.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Thats a good middle ground Phateles. I agree I dont like to see sexual harrassment go unreported but its important to decide in advance if you want to fight the valiant fight by making a formal report or take the middle ground.
Phateless Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Thats a good middle ground Phateles. I agree I dont like to see sexual harrassment go unreported but its important to decide in advance if you want to fight the valiant fight by making a formal report or take the middle ground. Thanks. I completely agree with you there. Righteousness and standing up for what you believe in are not for the faint of heart. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that for our original poster, but this guy has already made it pretty clear that he doesn't respect her.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I guess it was the boss's response that concerned me. If that is the response it means that kind of joking is acceptable in that workplace (despite the fact that it is technically illegal). If the boss likes the banter and flirtation and perhaps attention, then your more delicate approach is the best.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Actually one thing I have found works in that situation is to give it back to them. I once worked for someone who didnt proposition people but made ALL sorts of disgusting remarks. I once said something with a double entendre to one of his colleagues (another senior management person not in our dept) and my boss FREAKED OUT and told me NEVER to come on to him again - I wasnt but the guy NEVER made any remarks around me again. So OP, next time he says it in front of other people, tell him you like to check the merchandise first and if hes serious youd like him to whip it out right here right now... He'll likely stop in his tracks. Just tell him, right here right now big boy, show us what youve got... I want my friends to help me judge whether its worth it... And then laugh.... If he does it well he would NEVER do it. Then just say DONT EVER ASK ME THAT AGAIN. Quietly calmly and change the subject You need to embarrass him out of it. Or, another option, if he says it in front of people, just laugh and say Bob (or whatever his name is) you asked me that already, I wouldnt sleep with you if you were the last guy on earth and laugh, pat him on the head. That would work if you were alone too. Make him feel SMALL for messing with you.
Phateless Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Actually one thing I have found works in that situation is to give it back to them. I once worked for someone who didnt proposition people but made ALL sorts of disgusting remarks. I once said something with a double entendre to one of his colleagues (another senior management person not in our dept) and my boss FREAKED OUT and told me NEVER to come on to him again - I wasnt but the guy NEVER made any remarks around me again. So OP, next time he says it in front of other people, tell him you like to check the merchandise first and if hes serious youd like him to whip it out right here right now... He'll likely stop in his tracks. Just tell him, right here right now big boy, show us what youve got... I want my friends to help me judge whether its worth it... And then laugh.... If he does it well he would NEVER do it. Then just say DONT EVER ASK ME THAT AGAIN. Quietly calmly and change the subject You need to embarrass him out of it. Or, another option, if he says it in front of people, just laugh and say Bob (or whatever his name is) you asked me that already, I wouldnt sleep with you if you were the last guy on earth and laugh, pat him on the head. That would work if you were alone too. Make him feel SMALL for messing with you. I like this. The only disadvantage is that he might like it too!
jj33 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yeah he probably would. But if you back it up with dont you EVER ask me that again it should stop him. If he does it again, then you say look Ive told you before stop asking. You are making me uncomfortable. Then if he doesnt stop you talk to the boss as you suggested. But I think its worth trying to stop it on her own otherwise she loses respect among her peers for not being able to handle normal messing around in the workplace. The HR route is there either for people who are timid and sensitive or for situations where there is malicious harrassment (like when a superior comes on to someone). HR and employers dont love it when employees dont try to fend for themselves. A sexual harrassment complaint is a total pain for an employer - its more work and it means that an otherwise ok employee (if that is the case) now has a mark on his record. They dont like that. And we all know that what is "harrassment" will depend on how the reciever feels about the person engaging in the conduct and what their personality and values are like. As we said its important to stand up for yourself, but I think its a little bit tricky. I know I have put up with far more than my share of what might be considered harrassing behavior because sometimes, if someone is not in a position to do anything against you if you say no, its just the better route. I find humor really works and when I cant muster humor, just look at them and say, youre kidding right? and if they say no, just look at them, and say well I will assume you were kidding, dont ever bring that up again. And change the subject or walk away.
Phateless Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yeah he probably would. But if you back it up with dont you EVER ask me that again it should stop him. If he does it again, then you say look Ive told you before stop asking. You are making me uncomfortable. Then if he doesnt stop you talk to the boss as you suggested. But I think its worth trying to stop it on her own otherwise she loses respect among her peers for not being able to handle normal messing around in the workplace. The HR route is there either for people who are timid and sensitive or for situations where there is malicious harrassment (like when a superior comes on to someone). HR and employers dont love it when employees dont try to fend for themselves. A sexual harrassment complaint is a total pain for an employer - its more work and it means that an otherwise ok employee (if that is the case) now has a mark on his record. They dont like that. And we all know that what is "harrassment" will depend on how the reciever feels about the person engaging in the conduct and what their personality and values are like. As we said its important to stand up for yourself, but I think its a little bit tricky. I know I have put up with far more than my share of what might be considered harrassing behavior because sometimes, if someone is not in a position to do anything against you if you say no, its just the better route. I find humor really works and when I cant muster humor, just look at them and say, youre kidding right? and if they say no, just look at them, and say well I will assume you were kidding, dont ever bring that up again. And change the subject or walk away. I hear that. It just sucks that things come to this sometimes. At my job it's me and 4 girls so I feel strongly about this issue. I feel protective of them and if someone was treating them this way I'd be so pissed. And I know that if I ever did put my foot in my mouth they would tell me and I would apologize and that would be the end of it. I like being there for them when they're having a bad day, offering to kick some guy's ass if he's hurt them, and offering up chocolate to make them feel better. I wish the OP all the best of luck in resolving this with the least conflict possible.
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