New Again Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 This is long, so the more general question is above the dashed line, and a more specific example is below. Read both or either and I'd really appreciate it The title pretty much says it all, but to elaborate: I am the one who has the problem. One reason is that it usually takes me awhile to process exactly how I feel and why I feel that way. This hasn't been much of an issue with past bfs, because either we just didn't have many issues and/or we had similar communication styles. So for example, a bf didn't tell me he was doing something with friends and his exgf was there and I find out later - I would much rather say, "I wish you'd told me" and him say "sorry, I will next time" and have that be the end of it. Thirty second conversation. Current bf: The same example above would have to be a 20 minute conversation about feelings and explaining our points of view and so on. 1. I'm not really a fan of long conversations about feelings and problems. The first example is sufficient for me to feel OK about things in 96% of any given situation I've experience thus far. 2. Since it takes me longer to process things, having a longer conversation leaves me feeling worse off than before the conversation started. I'll be thinking about the situation and conversation after it's "over" and I'll realize that I actually have a problem with something else too, or with something he said during the conversation. But by the time I realize it, I feel like it's too late to say anything. I mean, I don't want to be the girl who's always blindsiding her bf with problems when he thinks the issue has been worked out. ESPECIALLY since that would be another 20 min+ conversation! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I saw my bf Saturday through yesterday morning, but I had plans with my friends for yesterday afternoon/evening, so didn't see him, although we texted back and forth a couple times from 6pm onward. The point of this is that 1. he could have told me at any point Saturday or Sunday morning, or when we texted, especially since 2. he responded to a text I sent him while he was doing the thing I'm mad about, which I'll get to in a second. So after we say goodnight, I get on my computer, and find out that: 1. He took his exgf out to a really nice place for dinner last night 2. It was a thank you for something she did for him (don't wanna go into too much detail, but this "something" is a pretty huge deal, and he didn't tell me about it until after the fact, and when he did finally tell me about it he didn't tell me he was thanking her by taking her out to dinner) 3. She knew the details of this dinner sometime after Saturday night and before 10:30am yesterday (my bf didn't leave me until 11:30am yesterday). So he either texted her about it while he was with me, OR he lied to me and he knew about it before Saturday night (when we talked he said he didn't know when/where until after that). I couldn't sleep until I said something to him (this is a flaw I am very aware of), but I assumed he was sleeping, so I texted him, thinking he would get it in the morning. Apparently he was up, because he texted me; I texted back; he realized I was mad; he called me and we had a half hour conversation about what I thought my problem was. I would've rather talked today (yes, yes, I know, so I shouldn't have texted him last night) after I had more time to process why I was mad and think about how to articulate my feelings. I thought my problem was that I feel like he doesn't tell me things, and when he does, it's not until after the fact, which makes me feel like I'm not an important part of his life. After the conversation, I realized that I also have a problem with him taking his ex out to a nice dinner, just the two of them. He couldn't have said thank you by buying her a nice bottle of wine to enjoy with her own bf or something? (In case anyone read my other thread about jealousy, this is not the same exgf.) I don't think that they're going to get back together, or that he's interested in her, so I'm not sure why I'm so pissed about this, except that he's friends with his exes, and I am a firm believer in being friendly (if you must see them in groups b/c of mutual friends), but not friends with exes. I can understand his point of view also, and until and unless I was given a reason to have a legit problem with it, I wouldn't ask him to change. Other than maybe not doing things alone with exes. Thoughts? I really need help.
carhill Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Perhaps you and your BF are incompatible in the area of emotional setpoint, communication style and philosophies about ex'es. The communication style differences were a major reason for the breakup of my marriage, even with the help of MC. Are you afraid of being emotionally vulnerable and communicating that? If you are, having a healthy intimate relationship will likely be difficult. You can and will have relationships, and possibly even marriages, but IMO you will always feel like something is missing and so will your partner. That's my instinct here, based on the experiences in my marriage and what I learned in MC.
Katherineos123 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I went through a similar situation with my boyfriend a couple of months ago... I remained pretty good friends with an ex of mine... Not SUPER close, but we have a lot of mutual friends, and we talk every once in a while to see how the others life is going. Well, about 6 months or so after my current bf and I started dating... my ex knew I was going to be in his city one afternoon, and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him to catch up. So I did. I told my bf about it before hand because I didnt think it was A) appropriate not too or B) respectful not too He wasnt too thrilled about it but he understood that I was friends with this guy long before he came into my life, and Im going to maintain that relationship. There was nothing for him to worry about. There is no lingering feelings there... At least not on my part, and once I reiterated that to my boyfriend, he eased up. I can completely see where youre coming from in that your guy ABSOLUTELY should have told you beforehand. Then I dont think you should have had anything to worry about... But the fact that he sort of hid it from you... leads you to believe that there IS something to worry about! Otherwise why hide it?? His reasoning could be that he was scared you wouldnt approve, get mad, get jealous blah blah blah... ORR that he simply didnt think anything of it... Just like going out with any other friend... Although I doubt that one. I think the problem here is not your differences in communication... But more of an issue in repsecting each other, and being considerate of the others feelings... I believe thats the issue that should be addressed here. Tell him you dont want to feel this way, but that you wouldnt have to if he would stop being shady, and start acting like a boyfriend who cares about his girls feelings, puts her first, and is open and honest... Now, I dont feel like thats too much to ask... But this kind of problem seems to be a common one here on LoveShack... So I could be wrong.
carhill Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Her BF is responding inappropriately to his frustration with their difference in communication style by adopting passive/aggressive behaviors. If he bends to the monosyllabic to appease her, he could break himself. She clearly has said she has difficulty conversing at length about feelings and problems. OP, does you BF feel the same way? IOW, would he agree with you? Also, when you talk about that issue, does he see his style as modifiable or is that 'just the way he is'. IME, being able to resolve conflicts and compromise (and the communication to effect that) is critical in an intimate relationship. He has a lot of involvement with ex'es. That would concern me. If he's really emotionally detatched, your concerns and his lack of interest in them would push them to the perimeter. I'm assuming he does not have children with them. Anecdotally, my female friend has this same problem with her BF, in that he often will not tell her about things he's doing with his exW (and kids) until just prior or even after they've done it. I've seen their dynamic and he's conflict avoidant. He's rather do what he does and she'll just have to deal with it. It's unhealthy to me, but it works for their psychologies. The important thing is compatibility. If the dynamic is healthy for you, that's all that matters. Good luck!
Author New Again Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Thank you both so much for your input.
Author New Again Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 So my problem is that it takes me longer to process things, so it doesn't really work for me to have a long conversation right when I have a problem, especially if I'm feeling emotional or upset - which I definitely was in this case - I was FURIOUS. It was kind of the last straw in a sense. So I CAN talk about things at length, just depends on when. I absolutely don't want to be "that girl" - you know, the one who blindsides her bf with a different issue on the same topic a day or two after he thought the issue had been resolved. Anyways. This being the last straw, once I calmed down and we were able to have a private, in person conversation (without an ominous "we need to talk, when are you available"), I told him that we feel very differently about ex's, and that we needed to either come up with a compromise that would make us both happy or break up because we weren't compatible on a big issue for me. He agreed that I am much more important than any exgf, listened to what I had to say about how I felt he disrespected me and was inconsiderate of the fact that I should be coming first with him, rather than feeling like I'm second after an ex. He agreed to the compromise I suggested (that would make me happy and I thought he would also be able to live with), and took it further by saying he would have less contact with ex's overall (I said just never alone with them), and that he would tell me everything before the fact rather than after, so that if there was an issue I could let him know, and also so that I would feel more involved and important. So, we'll see how this works out!
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