Communication problems

[Mountainlove]

Hello,

 

I have been dating my boyfriend 6 months now and it is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done!!! We had misunderstandings and arguments (never thought before that you can have an argument over e-mail) but so far we always managed to sort everything at the end and are still very much in love.

But the thing which is always getting me is communication. Don't get me wrong I love to talk and write and make sure I always tell him exactly how I feel , how my day was etc.

At the start of our relationship (we met on holiday) he was really good communicationg and send really nice e-mails. But after we met again he kind of stopped writing really long mails.

I have asked him why and he said that he feels we discussed so much and that he does not want to repeat himself. He is also working really long hours so he said at the end of a 12-14h day he is really tired.

Altough it makes sense it is not enough for me. When I saw him last I said that I would like a bit longer mails at least once or twice a week (he is still writing to me daily by the way) He said he would but so far his mails keep being kind of short but he always says that he loves me and misses me so much.

 

I am at my end because I don't want to be coming across as needy but I don't know how else I can explain to him that I need to be told why he loves me etc just like he did at the start (even if he repeats himself)

 

Or is that just a guy thing?

I have never had a LDR before so everything is still new and I don't have the experience you all might have.

 

many thanks for any help

[Els]

Instead of emails why not use Skype to talk? Better and less tiring IMO.

[aerogurl87]

Instead of emails why not use Skype to talk? Better and less tiring IMO.

 

Yeah I think that's a better idea. My boyfriend hates emailing people, in fact I don't think I've ever received an email from him, lol. He says it's too time consuming. But anyway, why not just text each other, use skype, etc. instead of sending lengthy emails? It doesn't take nearly as long to write and so I think you should try that.

[Bearandsue]

Just out of curiosity...how long are the emails you send him? Do you guys have a big time difference where you cant talk on messenger or skype?

 

 

IMO if you want longer emails then you just type him longer ones(if you are not already). Tell him about your day, don't spare any details no matter how small you may think it is. Its the little things that will help you learn more about each other you know the ins and outs. Be conversational..ask him tons of questions.

 

Send pictures. You do your part to keep it interesting and I am sure he will come around.

 

Good luck!

[hoping2heal]

Hello,

 

I have been dating my boyfriend 6 months now and it is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done!!! We had misunderstandings and arguments (never thought before that you can have an argument over e-mail) but so far we always managed to sort everything at the end and are still very much in love.

But the thing which is always getting me is communication. Don't get me wrong I love to talk and write and make sure I always tell him exactly how I feel , how my day was etc.

At the start of our relationship (we met on holiday) he was really good communicationg and send really nice e-mails. But after we met again he kind of stopped writing really long mails.

I have asked him why and he said that he feels we discussed so much and that he does not want to repeat himself. He is also working really long hours so he said at the end of a 12-14h day he is really tired.

Altough it makes sense it is not enough for me. When I saw him last I said that I would like a bit longer mails at least once or twice a week (he is still writing to me daily by the way) He said he would but so far his mails keep being kind of short but he always says that he loves me and misses me so much.

 

I am at my end because I don't want to be coming across as needy but I don't know how else I can explain to him that I need to be told why he loves me etc just like he did at the start (even if he repeats himself)

 

Or is that just a guy thing?

I have never had a LDR before so everything is still new and I don't have the experience you all might have.

 

many thanks for any help

 

This isn't about emails as much as it's about validation. The long emails validated his feelings for you, and were an affirmation of them. When they became less frequent, your insecurities got the better of you, and you've now decided that your security and validation come from the length of his emails to you, of which is another problem, because he doesn't WANT to write long emails anymore. This doesn't mean his feelings for you have changed or lessened. So you two need to figure out a way to meet halfway. What you REALLY want and need from him with those emails is the validation and confirmation of his feelings- you need to tell him that. I was just going through this same thing, when a wise woman, aka IslandGirl made me realise that by being vulnerable and communicating my needs honestly; made it easier for him to give me what it was I was needing.

[Mountainlove]

Hello All,

 

thank you for your replys!!! Unfortunately Skye isn't an option for us because I don't have internet at home and during the day when I have internet at work he can't use it because he does not have it at work.

There are also 5h time different between us and work so e-mail and texting are our only options in the week and at the weekend we phone each other.

 

@hoping2heal

I think you are so right with what you have written!!! I am a bit insecure (ok a lot at the moment) and it is hard to communicate it, but I will try!!!

Thank you!!!

[Just Call Me Reba]

First off I have read alot about emails and communication skills. This is the biggest form of misundestanding between two people you will ever find via internet. You must be really good at expressing yourself in order to avoid misunderstandings.

 

Personally my s/o and I do not do emails unless it is to share an airfare or article we read that was funny or interesting. Sometimes we write a paragraph or two...nothing more. We used that system at first but then we only have two hour time difference and we choose phone.

 

Another big no no in an LDR...do not try to tell each other your life story too fast. Save something so that there is intrigue. Or you will burn out and have nothing to say.

 

Let me ask you...In your emails are you talking about your day and you...or do you ask him about key points in his life. Make sure you don't just say hi how are I've been missing you, then wander off about you day. Ask him a few questions about him up front. Reread an earlier email from him and find something you never really discussed...there is always something missed. Unless you both answered them paragraph by paragraph....whicb can be draining.

 

Remember he IS taking the time to email you...a paragraph is better than nothing...more is not always better.

 

Very few men write really long emails. I had a friend who worked for Delta once who wrote the longest emails and I had to set time to read them. Sometimes I went days...but once I read a few and realized how funny and entertaining they were...always interesting...then I looked forward reading and responding cause I couldn't help myself!

 

If my s/o and I do a once in awhile email...and usually it's me...then I usually start it like a story after saying hi. Maybe it's about a dream I had or a trip from my childhood which always prompts a memory from him. And I always end it with a question to him like...ever felt that way or ever had a dream similar to that? Now in my case...he generally calls me because he doesn't want to type all he has to say in an email. But it does get the ball rolling.

 

My best to you...Reba

[stillafool]

My goodness, relationships move along in stages. I would get tired of having to tell you the same thing over and over again also. How boring. I think this comes across as a little "too needy" and I'm a woman.

[hoping2heal]

Hello All,

 

thank you for your replys!!! Unfortunately Skye isn't an option for us because I don't have internet at home and during the day when I have internet at work he can't use it because he does not have it at work.

There are also 5h time different between us and work so e-mail and texting are our only options in the week and at the weekend we phone each other.

 

@hoping2heal

I think you are so right with what you have written!!! I am a bit insecure (ok a lot at the moment) and it is hard to communicate it, but I will try!!!

Thank you!!!

 

 

You're welcome. It is hard communicating it, you make yourself SO vulnerable. I was litterally shaking the night I shared it with my partner. It helped a lot that I did it though.

[Mountainlove]

Hello

 

I am going nuts at the moment because I am turning into a person I don't like.

I have tried to write to by boyfriend what I need. I used examples of things he used to do to make him understand.

I said that I miss him telling me personal stuff (he used to write about this all the time) and that I miss hearing why he loves me

(I told him that I don't need to hear it every day but once or twice a week or so would be nice)

I was very open and it was hard to write this because I hate to be needy! Well his answer was that I just have to ask him questions

and he kind of ignored my other comments.

 

I am really upset because it just makes me feel as if he wants me to do all the work.

For example I send him photos the other day and ask him what he thought about them and he did not reply not even to say thanks.

I do ask him questions but I get short answers back or sometimes none.

 

When I ask him whats wrong he says nothing and that I need to trust him. We see each other again in a couple of weeks and

in the past he used to write how much he is looking forward to see me- so far he hasn't said anything.

 

To make things even more complicated I have a lot of stress going on in my life. So I am a lot more vulnerable than usually which does not help with this situation.

 

I really don't know how to get across to him.

Do you have any ideas what else I could do? Or maybe not do in order to get what I need /want?

Do you think I should maybe stop writing mails for a while?

[Island Girl]

I am really upset because it just makes me feel as if he wants me to do all the work.

For example I send him photos the other day and ask him what he thought about them and he did not reply not even to say thanks.

I do ask him questions but I get short answers back or sometimes none.

 

THIS is what you need to be talking to HIM about.

 

And not by e-mail but a conversation.

 

You do not need to be "needy" or "clingy" in asking for what you need from him and the relationship.

It is simply "I want to be happy. You love me so of course you want me to be happy. ________ is what I need from you to help accomplish that."

 

FYI these conversations work best when you begin by asking the other person if they are getting they're needs met by you.

 

If you address it and it doesn't change then you seriously need to reevaluate staying in the relationship. Because distance really does not effect the respect and care you have for your partner.

Your next paragraph seems to indicate he feels as if he doesn't hav eto put in the effort and you'll still stay around. That happens when people check out of the relationship or are feeling they are with a doormat who will just take the treatment and stay anyway.

 

When I ask him whats wrong he says nothing and that I need to trust him. We see each other again in a couple of weeks and

in the past he used to write how much he is looking forward to see me- so far he hasn't said anything.

 

This is what I mean about checking out of the relationship.

 

Have you been too available? Making all of the contact all of the time?

Allowing him to treat you as disposable at times?

 

To make things even more complicated I have a lot of stress going on in my life. So I am a lot more vulnerable than usually which does not help with this situation.

 

No, you are right, it doesn't help. But I am glad you are aware of that. Maybe you can compartmentalize a little bit and keep the stress from other things out of it.

 

I really don't know how to get across to him.

Do you have any ideas what else I could do? Or maybe not do in order to get what I need /want?

Do you think I should maybe stop writing mails for a while?

 

I would have a frank conversation about it.

But again - not NEEDY - just open and honest even about it being a difficult subject to talk to him about, etc.

 

If he was dismissive, irritated, or ANYTHING other than receptive and willing to address the issue then I would state very clearly "I see where I and my feelings stand as a priority to you. Thanks."

I would hang up and not contact him again. -- In my mind I would be moving on.

If he did come back (and more than likely he would - unless there is someone else) then there would be a few discussions about how he was not meeting my needs, etc. so that when the eventual "back together" happened then he knew - you treat me right or I walk PERIOD.

 

That is what I'd do. I don't get treated as an afterthought or as unimportant. I know I deserve better.

 

So should you.

[Mountainlove]

Hello Island Girl,

 

thank you for taking time to write down your opinion

To answer your questions...

 

Have you been too available? Making all of the contact all of the time?

Allowing him to treat you as disposable at times?

 

No not really. I mostly wait until he text me and then reply. But he mostly texts only once a day. With phoning he phones me but we always text to check when the other has time. With e-mails we write one a day each.

So in that respect I don't think I am too available.

 

But I will have a good talk with him this weekend, I hope I will find the right words!!!!

[stillafool]

For example I send him photos the other day and ask him what he thought about them and he did not reply not even to say thanks.

I do ask him questions but I get short answers back or sometimes none.

 

I think he is responding to you this way because he felt you were fishing for compliments about your pictures and he saw that as "needy". Are your questions to him "Do you love me?" or "Do you think I'm pretty?" type of questions? He again will give you short answers because those type of questions make you sound "needy".

 

 

To make things even more complicated I have a lot of stress going on in my life. So I am a lot more vulnerable than usually which does not help with this situation.

 

Maybe he is under alot of stress also and needs you to trust that he loves you and not need to talk about it on a constant basis.

 

Do you think I should maybe stop writing mails for a while?

 

 

I definitely feel you should stop writing email for a while and give him a chance to truly miss you. Just have conversations with him and not bring up "love" to him. Let him tell you he loves you without your asking.

[Mountainlove]

Hello Stillafool,

 

thanks about the heads up on not contacting him. At the moment I am also too angry to write anything nice - so sometimes it is better not to write apart from writing things I might regret!

That way I hope that he might wake" up a bit.

Not sure if that works but it will give me the option to explain. You must know that this is going on since months... and he is writing less and less. I am usually really understanding and did not say things in well over a month. But slowly it is getting to me and I need some reasurrance. I don't want to ask him questions all the time. I just want to be told without me asking....I have tried that (not asking and just writing nice mails) -but it did not work.

For example a month ago I aid it would be nice if he could send me e-cards....I only ask once but so far I didn't get any...thats not hard and does not take time and does not cost anything- so I am hinking why can't he do such a simple thing....Uhhhh I am so frustrated at the moment!!!

[stillafool]

I hate to bring this up but do you think he is also seeing someone else? Now that you have explained more it sounds like he may be seeing someone else also.

[aerogurl87]

I hate to bring this up but do you think he is also seeing someone else? Now that you have explained more it sounds like he may be seeing someone else also.

 

Yeah I'm wondering the same thing. I mean shorter and shorter emails and one word answers are usually not good. Sounds to me like he's trying to wean you off the relationship slowly. I think you need to talk to him on the phone about this ASAP.