Any ideas on how to figure out what she wants from me?

[piticu]

Hello all, it's my first post here and it's rather long so please have patience.

 

We have been together for about 4 months, she was after a 3 year relationship (i was the rebound, it seems). She broke up with her ex because he cheated on her.

 

During our relationship her ex kept pestering her with IM, text messages and phone calls which she always rejected. In the end she changed her phone number to get rid of him, which made the calls stop. But he kept on coming to her door and asking her to talk.

 

One day she caved in and they talked, he kissed her. She told me she regretted the instant it happened, but I think she realised that she still had feelings for him.

 

Then she broke up with me saying she needs time to figure out what she wants, as she had to choose between him and me. Also she had some important exams as she was finishing college.

 

At the beginning I did the usual stuff, pleading, trying to convince her we can work this out, telling her I won't give up that easily, but I realised that this won't get her back with me since I was becoming like her other ex. So I stepped back and went NC.

 

She kept on reaching out with silly motives until I told her that unless she is interested to reconcile it won't be a good idea to contact me.

 

Last week, after 4 weeks of NC, on Tuesday she sent me a text message inviting me for a ride on the skates. Then, while I was thinking what to reply she sent another one saying "After I hit send I realised you are asking yourself why. I don't know, I want to see you, I suppose". I said "ok" and we went later on on the ride. I kept it light and funny and we had a good time. When I got home I sent her a text message saying "I had a great time. Perhaps one day we will go for a coffee. Nite". Her answer was "Good nite."

 

On Thursday she sent me an text message saying: "By whom are the things placed in such an order? And why do we have to follow it? What about feelings? Does anyone care about what you feel, about what you don't feel? Have you asked yourself this?"

 

I replied: "I don't know who made things like this. All I know is that sometimes things happen independently of what you think to be the normal way of life. As for feelings, yes, someone cares. The ones that care about you. The ones that you are dear to them. Sometimes, even if we wish things were different, it's impossible. You are supposed to be in that moment. It's not easy but it's life. Maybe it's stupid, but I read something: 'You have to risk it to get the biscuit'. You always have a choice to make. With your heart, with your brains, it's irrelevant. But in the end you have to believe everything will be ok."

 

This Saturday she sent me an email quoting a song: "We'll never know what connected us

When it was over all of the sudden

When we forgot

All is left is our story

Does anyone believe in the past?"

and then commented "This song has been on my mind the last days and I thought I'd share it with you.

 

I replied with:

"Alone here, just by myself

In your place there's noone, i am always alone

I search for you, late in the night

Close to you i'd like to be"

which is the second strophe of the song and then I commented: "Ironic, eh?"

 

What is going through her mind? I am going insane here trying to figure out what she is thinking.

 

Please, help me out, give me some insight if you can, because I am driving myself crazy.

[adamt]

sounds like she still has feelings for her ex. i dont think i could go out with someone who is still thinking about their ex.

 

She wanted time to igure things out but you kept responding to her.

 

YOu shouldnt respond to her and see if she really misses you and wants you back.

 

You seem like you are stuck in the friends zone now.

[piticu]

Why am I in the friends zone? Because I answered to her messages?

It's not like we talk, the only time we had some kind of conversation was when we had that skating ride.

[adamt]

When you went skating did she tell you what the situation is with her ex?Are they still in contact. Is he over him yet?

 

Everytime she contacts you, you are there for her. She hasnt had a chance to miss you yet.

 

if i was in your situation, i wouldnt want to be strung along while someone still has feelings for their ex. if you stop returning her calls/text it might give her a chance to miss you.

[piticu]

We did not discuss anything about hers or my love life. We did a bit of catching up as we did not speak for 3 weeks. As I was the one to teach her how to skate we debated a bit on how she is skating and then that was it.

 

I don't know if they are still in contact, but if my guess is right, yeah, I think he keeps on contacting her.

[lorilynne]

She can't miss you and realize what she lost if you're still available in every way. NC. Let her learn what it means to not have you and then she can figure out what/who she wants.

Easier said than done, I know but do as I say, not as I do! LOL

[piticu]

So I guess I should ignore any contact attempts from her in the future?

I hope I will be that strong.

 

But what about "out of sight, out of mind"?

[boogieboy]

You will be out of her mind as long as she wants her ex anyway. Dont worry about her and find someone new. Dont let her keep you on the hook for her validation. Dont let her use you for friendship, which she is doing.

[piticu]

I don't really think she wants her ex back, especially since he cheated on her. As we were dating, prior to becoming a couple we talked about cheaters and people cheating in general (it was before I knew her whole story) and she was really against cheaters.

 

I believe she still has feelings for him but even if they will get back together I seriously doubt she will be able to forget what he did.

 

I do want her back, quite badly. But I want her to want to be back with me, and not because she needs to have someone next to her. I won't be a rebound again. If things will evolve towards us reconnecting I plan to take it slowly and to build a relationship properly.

 

If only she would feel she wants to get back.

[lorilynne]

I hate to say this but don't be so quick to decide she doesn't want her ex back just because he cheated on her. This forum is full of people who want their cheating ex's back (me being one of them...oh, I'll talk the talk but when it comes down to it, I do!) Yes, NC means not responding to her. Responding is what a bf does. Are you her bf?

If she is out of your sight, is she out of your mind? I don't think so. You won't be out of her mind but if she decides she can't stand it anymore, she'll make it clear. If she's comfortable with it, so be it.

[piticu]

Well, considering the fact that she had to decide between him and me I won't rule out her going back to him. There is always a chance of that. However, I don't think it's going to happen.

 

Heh, she's not completely out of my sight, I haven't deleted her from the YM but I try not to check on what she is doing. I am running an experiment to see how I can cope without that damn messenger. This is the second week and except large periods of boredom during the weekend, i am quite ok.

 

Well, I hope she will make up her mind on what she wants. I hate the "quoting lyrics" game or whatever she is playing. I just wish she'd tell me straight to my face what she wants.

[andreww]

yes i do also. but girls dont do that, thats why no one understands them.

also if she told you straight out it would look a bit more desperate like how her ex was being.

[piticu]

I won't consider her desperate if she'd tell me what she is thinking. I tend to speak my mind when I talk with people and I expect the same thing to happen from their part, even if the truth might be a bit awkward.

 

I know she is thinking about me sometimes because she was away a week on a training and she checked my blog from there and then commented on an article.

 

I just wish she'd think about me as much as I think about her