c92081 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 experience pays. yours is requested.. Hi im new here and here is my longish-story - please bear with me .. I am recently back in the dating world (9months) and ive gone thru some changes and grown in some ways i guess. ive been in a few relationships in that time, and was really so happy to revisit these feelings i sort of just 'went with it' - all fine and good, im learning about balance now as i manage enthusiasm vs letting emtions manage me 3 months ago i met a girl online, we chatted several times, early on i asked her 'we should hang out / go out' she declined. i suggested something else she said again 'no thanks'... so i changed the subject and she said 'what? no questions as to why? giving up already?' - i replied confidently, 'nah, im not giving up but if i push you , its 50/50 that it comes over as desparate'... good answer. we kept chatting.. (she informs me she recently broke up with a guy and its too soon for her and that in fact her last relationship started the very same night her relationship-before-this-guy ended ((and each relationship lasted 1.5 years) - so basically she had three years of 'others focused , she explained without any 'me time' ) '...cool i said, no sweat' .. we continued to chat...a few days later she gave me her number without me asking, i sent her a few texts, a week later she called me (chiding me for not calling her after she gave me her number - this turned into a month long phone-fest... every other day some days talking for HOURS...(3-4-5 hours no less) after about 3 weeks at this level, she invited me to london (from europe its a day trip or weekend) , and then couldnt firm up a date (cold feet), and when i asked for a date she said like the first time, that she wasnt able to because she is leaving the country in october and .... - so, I appearantly astonished her when i 'reconnected with our mutual faith in God over her' and simply said ' well ... lets just pray and ask Him to take things out of our hands, if this 'whatever' it is, is 'right' then He can Bless It (make the desire grow), if not lets ask Him, 'take the desire away') - she was blown away two days later she called me up and said 'hey, im in town if you wanna grab a drink' - so we met up, and talked till 3am, ... really nice i was busy the next day and left my fone at home (oops) but on the sunday, i texted and msn'd her a few times thru out the day to say how much fun/etc - that night she replied that she was snowed under that day for study, and would talk soon.. the next morning at 6.50am she said she had 'just finished an all nighter'' and ps'd me with 'just saw your text, you thot i was blowing you off? TOO cute.. youd get a formal farewell at this point, ttys' fine. fine. that week, we chatted a few times (phone, msn, text) - the weekend she was out of town with her girlfriends and i restrained myself from contacting her the whole 5 days she was away, till she texted me on the monday (she was away thur-to-sunday it seemed), 'hi, hope your great, will call u tonight' (something like that.. a few mixed wires, missed connections, and we were talking on the next wed when i asked her out to dinner and she dk'd me (thinking i was asking about 'that night', i said 'didnt mean tonight.. so asked her at that point , 'okay when?' - she sais 'sunday afternoon?' cool. * bear with me, im working on a point here* next day (thurs night), i email her a short message that is insanely perfect - the date, what to wear, a few cute comments, all very low key, but you can tell i put thot into date..... Friday she emails me (at midnight so maybe 5 hours since my message) - a long email about how she cant see me, 'i need more time', ill be back to my degree program and will be busy again too before i leave, and how she likes me and doesnt want me to think im being blown off/etc i replied with an equally open letter - which blows her away, 'its scaring me senseless that we are writing these kind of emails. i like you. but i cant offer you anything right now' i pull back, calm her fears, no pressure, just a desire to get to know you, there is no hurry, no rush to catch the bus -- she sais 'wonderful, so glad we can go slow and be friends for now' i said 'fine fine, but be clear, going slow is not the friendzone' that was two weeks ago. after that i waited a few days, wrote her a letter, she wrote back the next day, i replied a day later , we seem to be communicating by letter/email which is less pressured (fine) last week of july i was out of town, she was out of town with a visitor from 'back home' (a guy who was an 'azz****' but who sort of invited himself to visit)... (i can see whats happening.. so i simply emailed her the day of my own holiday 'hey, im off to the beach, have a great holiday, hope you have a good time with your friend, and that everything turns out the way you would like it to' confident, no pressure, etc i get no reply that day two days later, at the beach myself, i update my facebook status ''..is At The Beach''' she comments on the wall 'Great! have a fabulous time' - i decided not to reply till i got home So... now im home... she will be home - presumably my gut feeling is that she wanted to 'see what happened with this guy' and thats what 'i need time' means im not chasing her (and as you can see, havent really done (I didnt call her first, she asked me out the first time) etc and i can see the logic in her reasoning 'i have not been on my own for so long (only just broke up 2months ago (4 months now) and needs to be un-burdened by the obligations to be others-focused, that being in a relationship can mean at times... dont want to let my emotions run away with me on this one' so ...what do i do now? 1) do i update my status/thank her for her well wish with 'hey! had a great time, hows your hols?' - and wait for her to contact me again? (( i felt her 'have fun' message was a 'maintenance mode message, just keeping contact alive' )) 2) maybe I dont reply ? (she didnt reply to my friday-before-we-each-left email, nor the tuesday before that's email either actually) ? 3) forget her and ...move on? it READS like womenese for 'not interested' - but the connection seems more real, the whole notion that we have been talking about deeper things/spiritual stuff is a 'massive blessing' to her, her last letter stated 'you have had Such an impact in my life in this short period of time' .. - im not emotionally invested enough to be 'hurt' by walking away from this one, but i also am inspired by the connection we have shared and the same beliefs/points of view is there any positive way to read this? Cheers in advance, C92081.. a Guy across the pond
Author c92081 Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 seriously guys/gals - drop me a few lines of encouragement or reality checking... please
Hkizzle Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You need to post a shortened version of your OP.......
New Again Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 The short answer is: yes. I read the whole post and it sounds like 1. She is definitely not very interested. 2. You're not being honest when you say you're not very invested 3. You think your situation is the exception to the rule. Don't contact her or respond to her. If you ignore her I'm sure she'll contact you (it seems she wants you and others to chase her maybe - like you asking her out TWICE and then when you didn't ask her out a third time she wanted to know why not??! WTF); I would suggest continuing to ignore her. She's not worth it. If she felt the same way you do - that there's a deeper connection - she wouldn't be playing these games with you.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 3) forget her and ...move on?I think you should do this, unless you've changed your mind and decided being friends, will be enough. is there any positive way to read this? I'm not going to soft-sell you. I think she likes and respects you as a person, enjoys your attention but isn't feeling a strong, romantic connection.
Author c92081 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 thank you everyone , i appreciate your comments so much. i guess its true, i am invested in this emotionally, but i think its partly because the "idea" of this girl is so powerfully attractive to me (ie ticks in ALL the right boxes) whereas ive only been out with her 'once' (if you dont count 20+ hours on the phone/etc) even since i posted here on the site, I had a few facebook exchanges that went along the lines of ... well it doesnt matter, she seemed enthusiastic/etc and we batted back n forth a few times, but your right... the connection just isnt romantic, if there was that sort of feeling on her side, she would be chasing (irrespective of her notion of 'i need time') I appreciate your (ya'll) careful comments and while its not encouraging news, you all replied in an encouraging way - i will take your advice and ignore her ((if she suddenly becomes attracted however, because ive gone from distant to non-existant... what would warrant a return of my attention? --> see what im asking? peace out
New Again Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 thank you everyone , i appreciate your comments so much. i guess its true, i am invested in this emotionally, but i think its partly because the "idea" of this girl is so powerfully attractive to me (ie ticks in ALL the right boxes) whereas ive only been out with her 'once' (if you dont count 20+ hours on the phone/etc) even since i posted here on the site, I had a few facebook exchanges that went along the lines of ... well it doesnt matter, she seemed enthusiastic/etc and we batted back n forth a few times, but your right... the connection just isnt romantic, if there was that sort of feeling on her side, she would be chasing (irrespective of her notion of 'i need time') I appreciate your (ya'll) careful comments and while its not encouraging news, you all replied in an encouraging way - i will take your advice and ignore her ((if she suddenly becomes attracted however, because ive gone from distant to non-existant... what would warrant a return of my attention? --> see what im asking? peace out Honestly, if the attraction isn't there now, it probably won't be there later either. People tend to be attracted to someone within minutes of meeting them - and if it doesn't happen then, it's not very likely to happen later. But, on the off chance that something changes, I would say nothing short of a "Not having you in my life made me realize how madly in love with you I am, I have to be with you, please forgive me for being confused before." And then her actions back up that statement
Mr. DNA Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I'm not going to bulls**t you. I've been in several similar situations and the best thing to do is just cut it off and move on. Your inner "nice guy" (I suffer from this curse as well, but I'm recovering) is going to want to insist that you always be there if she needs you, to send e-mails and texts saying "I'm here if you ever need support," and all that jazz - but it's all in vain. If she texts you in the future, wait 2-4 hours before replying (or even more - try 10:00 AM the next morning if you'd like) and tell her you were out bar-hopping/at a concert/at the beach with your friends. Keep it short and simple - no more than ten words. I'm finding that, with women, jealousy has far greater psychological gravity than nearly any other emotion. She'll wonder what you were doing and suspect that you were having a far greater time than she was. If she doesn't text you back, move on. You've lost nothing. You didn't have her before, and you don't have her now. Females outnumber males on this planet, and you've got plenty of time and opportunities remaining.
Author c92081 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I'm not going to bulls**t you. I've been in several similar situations and the best thing to do is just cut it off and move on. Your inner "nice guy" (I suffer from this curse as well, but I'm recovering) is going to want to insist that you always be there if she needs you, to send e-mails and texts saying "I'm here if you ever need support," and all that jazz - but it's all in vain. If she texts you in the future, wait 2-4 hours before replying (or even more - try 10:00 AM the next morning if you'd like) and tell her you were out bar-hopping/at a concert/at the beach with your friends. Keep it short and simple - no more than ten words. I'm finding that, with women, jealousy has far greater psychological gravity than nearly any other emotion. She'll wonder what you were doing and suspect that you were having a far greater time than she was. If she doesn't text you back, move on. You've lost nothing. You didn't have her before, and you don't have her now. Females outnumber males on this planet, and you've got plenty of time and opportunities remaining. lol - both great comments, thank you so, i had a date on thursday last week (and a successful date the tues) - before thursday date began i saw i had a missed call from the girl in this story, lets call her Lani - it was an hour ago, i mustnt have heard it ring (good! ...like u say...leave it a while) so i called her back, (i said i would ignore her, and i was prepared to do that for texts or facebook posts, or emails) but a fone call, well i hadnt had a call from her in 3/4 weeks so i felt it was ok to answer... she started telling me about her 'week with her work friend' and that 'hes very shy, im shy as you know, so it was a Quiet week of not much talking.. bla bla... and at the end of the week, she tells me, 'he tells me he LIKES me'' (Lani explains that she told him, 'i told him i dont even KNOW him, just out of a rel... etc etc,) and that the next day , his last to visit europe, it was like it had never happend... then she says, im out of town with my girlfriends but ill email u when i get bak, and want u to post your pics of your holiday too dont forget, and ill call u we can go out next week .....im like...WTF? i was prepared to just accept she was out of the picture and now that change of tone? well, like the wise poster above x 2 said, 'unless its a i was so wrong what an idiot ive been' type message that i hear in the email or this sudden date she is alluding to - ill be definately cool, distant, and simply polite part of my rationale from before tho was 'i need time' means 'there is someone else' ---> maybe this guy was a question mark for her, and .... well, im not committing any hopes at this stage, but i respect all ya'll feedback and ill post updates.. peace out
xpaperxcutx Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 She's not romantically interested in you in the slightest bit. She calls you up like you're one of her girlfriends and starts spilling " guy this, guy that..". You can absolutely see where all of this is going. The convenience of being in contact with you is because she knows you're interested and she likes the attention.
Author c92081 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 She's not romantically interested in you in the slightest bit. She calls you up like you're one of her girlfriends and starts spilling " guy this, guy that..". You can absolutely see where all of this is going. The convenience of being in contact with you is because she knows you're interested and she likes the attention. what should i do? i can toughen up and blow her off, or should i see her one or two times (if she chases) under the concept that time/interaction will either see something bloom, ...or just cut my losses and make like a tree and leave?
boogieboy Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 what should i do? i can toughen up and blow her off, or should i see her one or two times (if she chases) under the concept that time/interaction will either see something bloom, ...or just cut my losses and make like a tree and leave? Make like a tree. Dont even inform her, just ignore her emails, texts and calls. YOURE HER GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW... NOTHING IS GOING TO BLOOM...NOT EVER. YOU LOST THE BATTLE, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO NICE, AND SHE WAS NEVER INTERESTED. Do you get it now?
Author c92081 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Make like a tree. Dont even inform her, just ignore her emails, texts and calls. YOURE HER GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW... NOTHING IS GOING TO BLOOM...NOT EVER. YOU LOST THE BATTLE, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO NICE, AND SHE WAS NEVER INTERESTED. Do you get it now? well, the bitter drink of wisdom need not be laced with broken shards of glass, but regardless, im still drinking - cheers
BCCA Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Dude, dont take this situation hard, its a learning experience. But learn from it you must! As SOON as she said no to the first meetup, especially without any solid reason (like,'I cant tonight, maybe next fri?') you should have bailed. Trust me, she was testing you. She knew she wasnt interested, but wanted to see what you would tolerate. Red flag Next, any crap anyone gives about it being 'too soon' after an ex is making excuses. Think about it, shes on a dating website and not ready to date? And I assume if Johnny Depp showed up at her door looking for a date, shed turn him down, too, right? No, she just made an excuse that makes it look like its not HER fault, just the circumstances at hand. Pretty typical, but 99.9% chance its all lies. it READS like womenese for 'not interested' - but the connection seems more real, the whole notion that we have been talking about deeper things/spiritual stuff is a 'massive blessing' to her, her last letter stated 'you have had Such an impact in my life in this short period of time' .. That last line is a red flag. Doesnt that strike you as 'parting words' you would say to someone you didnt expect to see again? Its happened to all of us, but she strung you along for attention, and to pretend like she had a 'guy friend' that just wanted to listen to her problems and pat her on the back. You were never even a romantic option to this woman, I can all but assure you. Im sorry man, but dont interact with her at all. Its just a complete waste of time, and Ive wasted enough time for the both of us on this kinda stuff, so dont bother
Author c92081 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 thanks BCCA your absolutely right - as is the rest of the posts sometimes its the old adage ''looks like a duck (doesnt seem interested), talks like a duck (doesnt seem interested), walks like a duck (doesnt seem interested) - it probably is a duck (...... the rest...well, its ego i guess... compensating for peoples lack of desire she called me the other night and asked me to have a drink with her while she was (red flag) waiting for her girliefriend to arrive at the airport - i was just literally in the area, so i (stupidly) - met up for a drink - it felt ok, not forced/natural etc - i was surprised and i went along mainly because she had commented how some guys dont get another date out of her, i wondered, 'has she come around??'' ... anyways towards the end of our encounter shes like 'lets go out next week' same story tho: at the end of the next day.... i called once, no answer, (instead she posts some fb message the following day) bla bla that was last weekend and im casually wondering if she will 'front on her request - and contact me about going out -- --- -->, but true to your analysis - she hasnt even made a peep.... as you say, shes testing my ability to walk away ... in fact today: i was tapping out a sms:text today that went something like 'you once marveled at my patience - well i've reached it, Im done take care Now i DID NOT send it ! - but let me pump for one last piece of advice on this topic ::then we're done ((its enough - that in my mind I have made that decision - I wont return her calls ./etc)) -= I've already been on several other dates anyways with 3 other nice girls =- (no spiritual connection but oh well) -= =- and anyways :: 'she shouldn't deserve' then, to learn the outcome of my personal decision, by her own inaction - right? ie I SHOULD just leave her in the dark (she probably couldnt care anyways) or, - - - which is better? (like you say do i just 'show her by disappearing'::, that i have stopped tolerating? or send a msg like that and THEN disappear?) (but if i send it , i have to Mean It) and 2nd question -- if i am to disappear ... do i quietly just delete any facebook posts i had ever made (like 5 in total) on her page and un-friend her, delete her IM name, delete her fone number, etc etc ? [ie clean break] or leave it all of it 'as is' (its not much, and its definately not 'soppy') - and decide inside myself "ignore her" ?!??? -- thankyou! i re-read your post you answer the question already ''dont interact with her at all'' - but still like to hear someone confirm WHY its the right thing to NOT do a damn thing.. heh
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