Fun with the L-word: when he doesn't say it back.

[Fay]

Sorry for the long post. If you like, I will mail you home-baked cookies if you read through this and reply.

 

I would be really upset at this if I didn't have so much more pressing turmoil in my life right now. My stomach was in a knot for a good 10 minutes after this, but it passed.

 

Tonight he didn't answer when I told him I love him.

 

The history: "A" and I started seeing each other a month ago and clicked from the very first date. The second date, he tells me he could fall in love with me. We start seeing each other at least four days a week. He says the same thing a couple more times, things to the effect of "I'm emamoured with you," "I think I might be falling for you," etc. My guard drops. Hearts and stars and fruvvles, lots of staring deep into each others' eyes and randomly giggling like schoolchildren at the sight of each other. Constant romantic sweet talk. Et cetera. Not even two weeks into the relationship we officially trade I love you's. After that he would tell me at least a couple of times a day, and so would I.

 

This coincided with the collapse of my housing AND job situation, and upon his request I reluctantly moved my things into his house, just for the time being because the other option was to move with some friends two counties away. I knew it was a bad idea to move in with him so fast. I was scared he'd get sick of me.

 

Huge fight just over one week ago. We had drunk too much at a party (especially me) and got in a huge argument. At the end he told me he'd take me and all my stuff anywhere I wanted in the morning. I took that as "get the hell out of my house" when really he meant it as "I'll take you elsewhere if you don't want to be here", but I think he partially meant it the other way too. Anyway, long story short, the fight ends with my platonic male friend showing up and hauling me and my things to his house, and after we get there, a phone convo that ended with me telling A that I care about him very much but the fight made something ugly out of something beautiful, and nothing feels the same between us anymore, and right now the most I can say is "I care about you very much," but that those things wax and wane over time.

 

I spend two days at my PMF's house, and on the second day A says he's coming over to take me to dinner. He shows up with roses, chocolates and a teddy bear, which absolutely melted my heart. I slept over. We had a great day but played it kind of cool. The next day PMF calls, telling me his estranged wife-for-papers is coming into town within the next day and I need to move my things somewhere else before she sees them and freaks out . I tell A and we go get all my stuff and move it back into his house. This is just under a week ago.

 

This week has been rather sh*tty. He's been grouchy and snappy most of the time when he's gotten home from work. He has been distant, nowhere near as affectionate or romantic as he used to be. Still calls me Babe but certainly no professions of love or romance. I ask him if everything is fine and he says yes, he's just been grouchy from work. I have been so sweet to him all week. When I pull, he pushes and when I push, he pulls. I hate that game. Three days ago he asked if I'd found living arrangements yet. He added, and I quote, "I just don't want things to go sour..." I told him I'm going to go stay with my female friend on Monday. His asking kind of hurt me but I didn't let on. Even though I know it's a terrible idea for us to live together just now, a secret part of me wanted him to ask me to stay.

 

Sunday morning was different. He woke up really late Saturday evening and stayed up all night with me watching movies, listening to music and talking. We got nasty kinky in bed at 6 am and when we catch our breath he looks outside and realizes the sun's about to rise. We throw on our swimsuits and jet to the beach to watch the sunrise. We swim and play in the water, then lay out on the sand listening to music on his iPhone. I told him how much he meant to me and how he was the most wonderful man in the world, etc. and asked him if he was getting sick of me yet. He says, "I could never get sick of you. You are amazing." It was beautiful. Then we went for breakfast, then home for some more bedtime action, then we fell asleep.

 

After I woke up in the afternoon, it was a good day. We cuddled and watched movies and ate pizza. We went to bed. We're cuddling and I look up at him and tell him where he'll be dropping me off in the morning. Then I tell him, "I'm going to miss you, A. Please don't forget me while I'm gone." He grins and says, "I won't. Are you going to forget me while you're gone?" I reply, "Of course not." Then, "I love you, A." No response. I put my head on his arm and lay there for a few minutes. Nothing. My stomach starts getting this huge knot in it and I excuse myself to go lay down in the office room. He's all like, "Why, where are you going?!" and I'm playing it very cool and sweet like, "Don't worry! It's just for a few minutes. I don't feel well. I'll be right back."

 

Finally the knot dies down and I walk back into the room, sweetly greet him, lay in bed very nonchalantly, put my hand on his arm and close my eyes.

 

A few minutes later he's snoring.

 

It's over, isn't it? He doesn't love me anymore, does he. The magic is dead, isn't it. F*ck.

[Athena]

Well Fay, what kind of cookies?!

 

I think we as females tend to overanalyze stuff much more than is necessary... having said that, your b/f sounds a tad commitment phobic, lol.

No wonder all the pushme-pullyou stuff is going on!

 

Once you move out and establish a more normal dating routine, and things settle down to a less threatening presence for him, I am sure he will be back to telling you he loves you!

 

Sounds like the two of you get on well physically, and otherwise, mostly, so once you are out of his living space, he should bounce back!

Try not to hold it against him that he couldn't bring himself to say the "L" word back to you at that moment when it meant the most to you...

[Athena]

And go get some sleep!

[Fay]

Try not to hold it against him that he couldn't bring himself to say the "L" word back to you at that moment when it meant the most to you...

 

But if you actually love someone, how can you not bring yourself to say it back? I mean, even when I was angriest at my ex and wanted him to die, if he told me he loved me, I couldn't help but say it back! Because it was true, and unrelated to any angry feelings I might have at any given moment.

 

We've been having such a good last two days that it can't be that he's angry, especially since he knows I'm moving out tomorrow!!

 

Oh, and pick which cookies you want. I'll go buy whatever mix you like. Serious.

[Sangria]

WTF? You are moving way, way too fast. I don't see any big significance of him not saying "I love you" back at that particular moment. Sounds like he is more than romantic with you. You sound too clingy and high maintenance. You are creating push-pull dynamic yourself by over-reacting about any silly little thing. Can you just chillax and get some sleep?

[Fay]

WTF? You are moving way, way too fast. I don't see any big significance of him not saying "I love you" back at that particular moment. Sounds like he is more than romantic with you. You sound too clingy and high maintenance. You are creating push-pull dynamic yourself by over-reacting about any silly little thing. Can you just chillax and get some sleep?

 

I think you're judging me a bit harshly given that the I love you's, which were dropped at least twice a day, stopped abruptly after our fight and I haven't heard one since (for over a week). And that we've only been together for a month, soon enough for him to change his mind.

 

This morning when he dropped me off, he parted with "I'm really glad to have you in my life" when a simple I love you would have conveyed that and more.

 

I really am starting to believe that even though he cares for me greatly and is attracted to me, he's changed his mind about the actual love thing.

 

Whatever. No big deal. I may be needy on the inside at this exact moment because I'm worried I screwed everything up, but he'll never know it because I keep that stuff bottled up to release here on Loveshack - I refuse to bog him down with it or drive him further away. I'm not an especially needy person in general and I know boundaries.

 

Unless he's reading this right now - I think he got a peek over my shoulder the other day and I get the feeling he'll see this at some point. Hey, A, don't freak out. I'll be fine no matter what you decide. And respect my privacy, dammit!

[2sure]

Relationships ideally have a natural course. Chemistry, affection lead to love...which leads to commitment which leads to sharing lives.

 

It sounds like the two of you were right on target...but then skipped over everything and went right to sharing your lives. Under less than ideal circumstances. He went from feeling giddy and falling in love to feeling responsible and obligated. No wonder he is confused. For better or worse just shouldnt be expected yet.

 

Its possible that when you get back on your feet, you two can pick up a few steps back from where you left off.

[Fay]

Its possible that when you get back on your feet, you two can pick up a few steps back from where you left off.

 

How possible, do you think?

[Island Girl]

I think you're judging me a bit harshly given that the I love you's, which were dropped at least twice a day, stopped abrubtly after our fight and I haven't heard one since (for over a week). And that we've only been together for a month, soon enough for him to change his mind.

 

Well you misunderstood what he said and instead of clarifying it you just called some other guy and left.

 

That was a week ago.

 

That is a very severe reaction as you now know.

 

Some people (and a lot of men in general) do not like that kind of drama. Love being yanked away like a rug pulled from under their feet -- once you do that there has to be allowances for a person to get back to feeling secure.

 

Just because you are fine with it all and can go right back into the swing of things doesn't mean he can.

After all - YOU told him (the day AFTER the fight) with a very clear head that you "care very much but your feelings wax and wane over time".

 

So you made a very messy bed that now you must lie in and figure out how to straighten it out.

 

This morning when he dropped me off, he parted with "I'm really glad to have you in my life" when a simple I love you would have conveyed that and more.

 

You just want him to say what you want him to -- the exact words you want to hear instead of realizing he was saying something genuine and caring and being satisfied with that.

 

I really am starting to believe that even though he cares for me greatly and is attracted to me, he's changed his mind about the actual love thing.

 

I think he is just moving a bit more slowly especially since you are still under the same roof. He already knows that you are prone to misinterpretation and extreme reactions.

 

Whatever. No big deal. I may be needy on the inside at this exact moment because I'm worried I screwed everything up, but he'll never know it because I keep that stuff bottled up to release here on Loveshack - I refuse to bog him down with it or drive him further away. I'm not an especially needy person in general and I know boundaries.

 

THIS is exactly why you are not truly intimate emotionally with him and why your relationship has such volatility right now.

 

You are not open and honest with him. You are not vulnerable in any way. You are guarded and behave in a somewhat immature fashion.

 

Unless he's reading this right now - I think he got a peek over my shoulder the other day and I get the feeling he'll see this at some point. Hey, A, don't freak out. I'll be fine no matter what you decide. And respect my privacy, dammit!

 

*sigh*

 

Good luck to you.

[Fay]

Islandgirl, you may be right on every point. I deserve everything I'm getting right now.

 

I do think that being guarded is the best bet right now, because bogging him down with the (admitted) volatility of my emotions would also be immature (I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place on that one) and cause even more drama. He deserves peace of mind. I let him know that I love him, and he can take that as my gift to him. I no longer expect it back from him. If and as our intimacy creeps back I'll let my guard down accordingly. I hope that's the right thing to do.

 

Oh, and no, we're no longer under the same roof as of this morning.

[Island Girl]

I don't understand this part: you sleep with him and have sex with him but you can't have a conversation about the fact that you walked out because of a misunderstanding and that you regret that and wonder how he feels about it?

 

You could be perfectly frank and just let him know you did not handle that whole situation very well and walking away from the relationship so easily won't happen again. OH! And that the whole waxes and wanes comment was said in haste and was not true. That's a great start at getting honest.

[Fay]

I don't understand this part: you sleep with him and have sex with him but you can't have a conversation about the fact that you walked out because of a misunderstanding and that you regret that and wonder how he feels about it?

 

You could be perfectly frank and just let him know you did not handle that whole situation very well and walking away from the relationship so easily won't happen again. OH! And that the whole waxes and wanes comment was said in haste and was not true. That's a great start at getting honest.

 

I already told him something to that effect a few days ago. Sorry I left that out. I said it very gently and without expectation of a response, so as not to make him feel pressured into answering if he had in fact changed his mind. He responded well but concisely. And that was that.

[Island Girl]

I already told him something to that effect a few days ago. Sorry I left that out. I said it very gently and without expectation of a response, so as not to make him feel pressured into answering if he had in fact changed his mind. He responded well but concisely. And that was that.

 

Well, then the most you can do now is follow up the words with actions. Remember not to fly off the handle, that what you think is going on may not be accurate, and don't act hastily.

 

As of now just let things be. Try to relax. Don't expect anything. Enjoy that you are back in his arms. (Just a week ago it was over.)

[Fay]

Well, then the most you can do now is follow up the words with actions. Remember not to fly off the handle, that what you think is going on may not be accurate, and don't act hastily.

 

As of now just let things be. Try to relax. Don't expect anything. Enjoy that you are back in his arms. (Just a week ago it was over.)

 

Then that's exactly what I'll do. Thank you.

[Island Girl]

Then that's exactly what I'll do. Thank you.

 

You're welcome.

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

I read this whole thing (it was fun actually).

 

Seems like the guy doesn't want to take any responsibility for you, and yeah, things started to go south after you moved in.

 

It was just some BS, oh I love you! (after two weeks) I love you too! teddy bears! chocolates! I love you!

 

I mean, sounds like some fantasy from highshool.

 

The guy got some girl to have sex with and who is a nice company, but taking care of you is way too much responsibility for some stranger.

 

I think he lost respect for you by now as someone dependent, lost, clingy, in love whithin three days, etc etc.

 

But I'm sure if you get your stuff together and don't bother him at all, he wouldn't mind to continue to see you and have pizza once in a while, and go to the beach on the weekends.

[Ariadne]

Islandgirl, you may be right on every point. I deserve everything I'm getting right now.

 

Nah, you are in a bad spot right now and seem destitute.

 

You are like a liability for this guy, is not so much something you did.

 

I bet once he starts missing you he might take you to his house to stay over again, but expect him to be even more grouchy and distant.

 

He just doesn't like you invading his space, but he feels compromised to help you out.

 

Guys don't develop deep feelings in such short time, maybe some liking.

[Island Girl]

Guys don't develop deep feelings in such short time, maybe some liking.

 

Yes. Some do.

 

One couple I know of got married 3 weeks after they met. They just shared their 40th wedding anniversary.

 

It happens.

 

It depends on the individuals involved (as it is with every single relationship on the planet).

There just are no hard fast rules when it comes to falling in love.

[Ariadne]

Yes. Some do.

 

One couple I know of got married 3 weeks after they met.

 

It does happen but it's extremelly rare.

 

And when it does, it's usually with people that have lived their lives.

 

This didn't sound like it at all.

[GorillaTheater]

It does happen but it's extremelly rare.

 

And when it does, it's usually with people that have lived their lives.

 

This didn't sound like it at all.

 

Got to disagree. In my late teens and early 20s, I was one of those guys who tended to fall too hard too fast. And judging from the threads on LS, I'm not entirely sure I was in the minority.

 

I actually think it tends to work the other way: the more experience you get, particularly those painful boot-in-the-ass experiences, the more careful and slow you may take things like love.

[carhill]

I actually think it tends to work the other way: the more experience you get, particularly those painful boot-in-the-ass experiences, the more careful and slow you may take things like love.

 

Yes, IME, I would agree, and having one marriage under the belt, even more so. Not baggage per-se, but rather valuable experience to guide and reflect upon.

 

OP, when it's right for him, he'll say it. If he otherwise is very expressive and loving with his family and friends, I would say it will be a good barometer of his true feelings for you when he does. All that said, you should have a timeline for his words to match his actions, if ILY's are important to you. Don't discount that. If his actions appear loving and he says ILY to others but not to you, incompatibility may loom. Be positive but set a timeline, again, if this is important to you. Compromise is healthy but not so much that it undermines who you are and what you believe and hold dear.

 

Best wishes and give it some time

[2sure]

How possible, do you think?

 

What? You want odds? Ha.

 

Possible enough to motivate you to get your act together, find a great job, improve your circumstance, get your own place, and take care of yourself. Even if he is your motivation, the end results will end up benefiting YOU.

[carhill]

Yes, get your stuff out of his house. Pronto. I mean, if you want this to work out

[Trialbyfire]

Fay, it sounds like he needs space, so give him space. It's human to hold onto something a little harder, when you feel it's pulling away.

 

I honestly think that moving out is the best idea, given the circumstances.

 

I'm not going to crap all over you but you have a choice to escalate or de-escalate drama. If the other person isn't willing to de-escalate drama, when you attempt to have a civil discussion, then he probably lacks the maturity for a viable relationship.

 

Straight up, I think your relationship should be chocked up to a learning experience for the two of you.

[Ariadne]

Got to disagree. In my late teens and early 20s, I was one of those guys who tended to fall too hard too fast. And judging from the threads on LS, I'm not entirely sure I was in the minority.

 

I actually think it tends to work the other way: the more experience you get, particularly those painful boot-in-the-ass experiences, the more careful and slow you may take things like love.

 

Well, guys get infatuated all the time.

 

But I was talking about true love, deep love, etc.

 

Those are what I call soulmate cases, of getting it right in three weeks.

 

Infatuations seldom turn out right.