Bleed Internal Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I don't post here often, but after making it this far, I need some help. Here's my entire story. I'll try to make it as short as possible, because I want people to read it and give me some sincere feedback. I'm having a really hard time right now. Last year I made this post when I found out my ex-g/f was lying to me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159310/ All the red flags from that story ended up coming back around and destroyed our relationship. We eventually moved from that incident and things got a lot better. From the time of that post (July 2008) to about April 2008, things were pretty good. We had our fair share of fights, some bigger than others, but we had many great times too and I believe we were genuinely in love. Then the Spring came and we were faced with the challenge of me leaving our city for three months for work. I left at the very beginning of June, and the days and weeks leading up to my departure were extremely difficult. We found ourselves crying all the time. Constantly expressing how much we'd miss each other. Just generally upset that our relationship had to go through this long distance break. Because of issues like what I posted about last year and a handful of others, I've always had trust issues with this girl. I was upset about leaving a girl that I felt like I was in love with at the time, but I was also worried about the distance because I lacked trust in her. Turned out my instinct was correct. The days right before I left were terrible. We fought often and emotions were high. One night I couldn't get a hold of her. Because of our trust issues this always makes me extremely furious and upset, and she knows this. I must have called her 100 times. No answer. All night. She calls me the next afternoon and tells me that she spent the night at her sister's apartment and that she didn't feel like being bothered. I'm upset about this, but somehow get past it. I wind up at her house a few days later and while she was out of the room I checked her computer and phone extensively, like I always do. I was able to discern that she may have been somewhere other than her sister's apartment that night. Perhaps a guys house. I confronted her about it and she threw a tantrum. She couldn't believe I would look through her stuff and then accuse her of cheating. Her huge scene and amount of emotion made me inclined to believe her, for the moment at least, and we even wound up having sex later that day. Well, I leave, and things are good. We kept in touch often. Constantly declaring our love for each other and she makes plans to visit me. Her visit was amazing. We were in a world class city, very much in love, and having an incredible time. It felt perfect. I was very upset when she left and my love for her never felt stronger. The time after the visit is great too. We're still talking very much and making plans to see each other again soon. But despite how in love I felt, mistrust still lurked. The main thing that triggered that was her refusal to check her email while visiting me. It was unusual because she's usually very adamant about doing so. Long story short, I went to extreme means and gained access to her email accounts in the weeks following the trip. I don't feel like going into a lot of detail, but after lots of lying, snooping, crying, and screaming, I unearthed and got her to admit to sleeping with someone else the night that she never answered her phone. She maintains that it only happened that night, but the guy she was cheating on me with says that they had an ongoing relationship and slept together several times. He felt cheated on when he discovered she was still with me. And I believe him. The first week after finding all of this out was awful. One of the worst, lowest moments of my life. We sporadically spoke throughout that week and every time was awful. I called her lots of degrading names, scream, cried. She cried and apologized constantly. None of these conversations were ever positive to any regard. Some of the most hateful, hurtful, conversations of my life. After breaking down on the phone and her doing the same one final time, I decided to go No Contact. And it has been AMAZING. I've been surrounded by some of the best people I know, in the best city in the world, working an amazing job, and having the time of my life. I won't go into details, but the week following the awful one has been SO good in every way. She has called me three times. And sent me three texts during this time. They read: "I love you so much", "I wish I could talk to you right now", "This is unreal. The one person I loved I can't even talk to. I want to and I wish I could." All calls were ignored and all text messages were deleted. I've had urges, but I never gave in and I never broke no contact. Every email, picture, letter, Facebook post, number, text, or anything else pertaining to her has been deleted or physically removed from my life. This girl broke my ****ing heart and I am insistent on moving on and completely eliminating her from my life. I have amazing friends. Many rebound opportunities. Life is great. BUT, I still check up on her WAY too much. Constantly checking her email, web history, Facebook (through another friend's account), chat history, etc (I have all of her passwords). I've learned that she is extremely sorry, devastated, and does not feel good about herself or life at all right now. I have no sympathy because she brought this on herself. Even though I'm doing SO much better and having a great time right now, I still feel like this behavior is damaging and a hindrance to progress after this failed relationship. My mind drifts to bad thoughts about these past 2 years with her more often than I'd wish. I know that I need to stop checking on what she's doing online and I haven't for one day. My immediate goal is to make it at least one week. Then check (I know I'll be dying to after a week), then go two weeks without checking, then four, and so on. This way I can wean myself off looking at what she's doing and I hope this works. I'm so adamant about No Contact because I know there is no chance for reconciliation and I need to forget about her and move on with life. How does my plan sound? Any tips or suggestions? Please respond with ANYTHING you have to offer. I've made it this far on my own, but now it's the home stretch and I need some help. Thank you in advance.
adamt Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 It is morally wrong to keep checking other peoples personal emails..etc But i am sure you know that. I don't understand how people get hold of their ex partners details. YOu really need to tell her to change her passwords. Doesnt she realise that you have access to her stuff? Either way you need to get her to change her passwords
Meaplus3 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Checking will only make things worse. I know it's easy to do, but really in order to move forward you need to let go of the habit. No Contact is best. You can do it. Mea:)
Author Bleed Internal Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 It is morally wrong to keep checking other peoples personal emails..etc But i am sure you know that. I don't understand how people get hold of their ex partners details. YOu really need to tell her to change her passwords. Doesnt she realise that you have access to her stuff? Either way you need to get her to change her passwords I refuse to break No Contact, so she either needs to change her passwords by chance or I need to exercise some very strong discipline and restraint.
broken_promises Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 The best thing I have done for myself is to force myself to stop looking at what I could see on Facebook of my ex. And when I was still living with him, I was obsessed with looking at his history. It killed me to see how often he was lying to me about things and how callous he was. Even after I moved, I could still see things he was writing on other people's public pages, and other really deviant methods of finding out, etc. I was completely torturing myself. Finally, I realized how much it was killing me to know what he was doing, who he was talking to, etc. so I did the following: I would handwrite the words "it's better not to know" over and over in my journal or on paper. For some reason, it helped to stop the obsessive "i have to know" gnawing feeling that would make me look. The other was to solicit a couple of friends as "sponsors" like in AA that I could text or email when I wanted to look. Even just writing to someone else "I'm texting you so I don't look at his comments on this girl's Facebook page" helps to thwart that urge. Good luck. TRUST ME... as an obsessive "checker" myself who has always done that with every relationship, it really is better not knowing what is going on. It has been a few weeks since I last looked and it really is helping to keep me from sinking deeper into despair at this point.
boogieboy Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 BI the best thing for you to do to stop the urge to check her stuff is to work on finding someone new. You will easily find someone so much better than your ex, that you wont even THINK about checking her stuff after a while. It will take months for you to stop checking if you have nothing to replace her. So go start flirting with new women. You get your confidence back, and if you hook up with someone, you will feel that you were holding on to nothing. Trust me on this.
AnswersPls Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 checking will definately make u feel worst! .. i had my ex's msn contact. I could see him changing him nick from "i am thinking thinking thinking.. " to "moving on".. and guess wat i did..!! I deleted his MSN contact (just) I could not take it anymore. i was crying like hell today.. Hopefully i will recover faster. becoz if he does not love me anymore. no pt me still stucking the the black hole! so do it too.. checking makes u feel worst
CarrieT Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 OP, I am exactly like you. My rationale for checking my Ex's email is that we had a business together and I have been tracking what he has done with our business and how it might affect me financially. But I admit it, a lot of it also want to see him struggling and know or think that I am doing better without him. And, a year later, I admit that I still look. It is just a bad of an addiction as the alcohol he drinks. Every day I struggle with it and, yes, I still look. It is bad and I do feel horrible so there is nothing I can say to help you stop. I suppose it will be easier to do so when/if we both find something or someone else in our lives to fill the emptiness we both still feel. At least, I would like to believe that I will care less about my Ex and his life when I start having another successful relationship.
andy2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I refuse to break No Contact, so she either needs to change her passwords by chance or I need to exercise some very strong discipline and restraint. Actually every time you check her emails, you are breaking NO CONTACT. NC means disconnection by every means (including cyber stalk) whether she knows or not. Because NC is for urself only!
adamt Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I just found out(not my doing) from a 3rd party via their facebook that the ex might going on a longhall flight to visit a friend.Just bits of info from the exes status. A trip we talked about doing together as she wanted me to go with her. Even though the information is vague and sketchy, my mind and imagination are now whirling away, so i can see how any bit of information can start messing with your head again. You do really have to avoid any bit of information that will open up the old memories and thoughts. I have to resist the urge to want to go seek more information to complete the jigsaw. I can see how people end up cantactign the ex and starting all over again.
boogieboy Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Actually every time you check her emails, you are breaking NO CONTACT. NC means disconnection by every means (including cyber stalk) whether she knows or not. Because NC is for urself only! Andy this is a true point that no one brings up here, you should repost this in all the threads of broken NC.
CM2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Well bro, my FEXW wasn't a big fan of Facebook but I had one since March, and she said she's done with the marriage and after that I put single status on mines and I guess someone told her I put it up. So I was going NC for about 10days and low and behold a day later she invites as a friend on FB, but I couldn't do it because I needed to have some peace of mind and have something to myself where I won't see her on their which I won't be tempted to go to her page and see something that'll make me upset. So delete her off your friends list asap
Author Bleed Internal Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Actually every time you check her emails, you are breaking NO CONTACT. NC means disconnection by every means (including cyber stalk) whether she knows or not. Because NC is for urself only! i'm still struggling with this, but i'd like to think that i'm not breaking No Contact. not calling or texting and ignoring calls and texts from her is very difficult. it's so hard to be in love with someone one day and then realize you will never and should never talk to them again the next. it took me almost a week just go to standard No Contact, now checking what she does online is all i have left. i know i'm slowly torturing myself but it's all i have. i just hope to get completely over her and past this soon.
adamt Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 The sooner you cut out all opportunities of checking up on her online the better. i found it hard after I did it but the next day it made a difference. You need to do it.
Author Bleed Internal Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 The sooner you cut out all opportunities of checking up on her online the better. i found it hard after I did it but the next day it made a difference. You need to do it. My attempt to do it this week has failed. I'm gonna give it a go at the start of next week. I'll hope I'll be ready by then. I'm definitely starting to feel pathetic when I do it and I feel a lot better when hours and hours pass and I don't do it or hardly think about it. I'm getting there.
boogieboy Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 My attempt to do it this week has failed. I'm gonna give it a go at the start of next week. I'll hope I'll be ready by then. I'm definitely starting to feel pathetic when I do it and I feel a lot better when hours and hours pass and I don't do it or hardly think about it. I'm getting there. Youre not going to give it up as long as youre thinking its "all you have". You need to replace her with something or someone, but you will hold on to her for months if you dont do something about it.
fairycake Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hiya, I know how tempting checking up on an ex is. It's true that your feelings for them don't just go away even if they've treated you badly. I was still checking me ex's page 4 months since we split (for 2 months I thought there was a chance we'd get back together) and then I saw he had a new girlfriend. Obviously made me feel a million times worse but it did give me a kick to not check up on him again. I've only weakened once since then and found out he split with her too, which made me feel good, but that's def it now. I used to check cos it's the only link you have with them and some days you miss them so much it's unbearable but ultimately it prolongs the grieving and makes stuff worse. Def cut down first if stopping totally is too hard. I agree it's wrong to have her passwords though, I'd never give anyone my passwords, not my sis or a bf, it's weird when couples do that.
CaliGuy Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Meh. When you love and respect yourself enough, you'll stop checking up on her online. It's never a good idea, it never really helps you heal. Closure is what you make of it.
WTRanger Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Most web browsers have parental controls. Get someone safe to you, someone you can trust and have them block her email's website with only a password they would know. That way, you'll never be able to access her email. Obviously if you two use the same email service, gmail, etc, you'll need to get a new account somewhere else.
fabulousgal Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 BI: I am sorry that this happened to you. I hope you learned from it what I did once a long time ago when I felt I had to snoop around in web history (on my computer). I found what I was looking for. Then I realized that in my heart I already knew the relationship wasn't as great as I made it out to be. I could have saved myself face and ended the relationship prior to being super spy because my needs weren't being met, cause trust is not a nice to have it is a need. You may be seeking validation that she feels sorry by continuing to look. She may, but there is only so long that she will. You can save yourself a lot of pain when she moves on by moving on yourself. Get some control!!!! You can do it. You are strong enough. Peace.
Recommended Posts