How the heck am I to blame??? This is sooooo crazy!!!** Warning - Long **

[sounsure]

Hello,

 

I have posted a couple of times before. To give you some background, I discovered an affair that my husband was having with a co worker who is much younger and also married. Husband apologized over and over again, agreed to go to counseling, signed a 2 year lease on a house with me to show his committment to our family and marriage. When it came down to it, he was willing to committ to the counseling but would not agree to no contact with this other woman. I in the end decided to move into the new home with our daughters and "without" him. It's been a month now. Tough times for sure. A lot has happened.

 

Last weekend he finally admitted he was missing me. This felt good as I had not yet heard that from him. He was scared, confused, lonely. We discussed him delaying his move into an apartment of his own until we figured this all out. My only request in the end was that while we tried to figure things out he would remain no contact with this other woman. His response was " I'll have to think about it". I thought about it all that night and sent him an email the very next morning advising I was moving forward with the divorce. It is obvious he wants this other woman. I think she does not want to leave her marriage and that is why he wants to have me as "back up". Yeah, I don't think so!!! This is soooo unbelievable.

 

Since last week I have found additional evidence - text pictures she sent to him, hours and hours of cell phone conversations, etc. I had been wanting to tell her husband and once I was sure our marriage was over I sent her a message basically wishing her luck with my husband and also letting her know that I was giving her husband all of the evidence that I had so he would know what was going on. She immediately told my husband and he completely blew up with me. I have never seen him so angry. He told me to leave her out of "our" problems. Huh, "our" problems??? "SHE" is our problem. He begged, called over and over again and insisted that I don't tell her husband. Used the excuse that he might lose his job. Definitely not something I want. As it is, he is only able to give me 300.0 a month for child support of our daughters. Let's just say he wasn't very career oriented in the beginning of our marriage. He even thinks the 300.00 is too much for him. UNBELIEVABLE!!! In the end when he asked me to not tell her husband, I replied "I'll have to think about it". Just like he would have to think about the no contact. He yelled at me and actually cried/sobbed saying "Congratulations, you did it. There will be no more contact with her. Thanks for taking the one thing that finally might have made me happy away from me."" So this is how it is so unreal. He is blaming me for the end of his affair because he doesn't want her husband to know. This just seems so surreal!!! I read about all these husbands that apologive immediately and get back to the wives and agree to no contact. Am I the only one that has a husband that totally disagrees to go no contact?? WOW!!

 

Well, I guess I have just wrote a small novel. If you're still reading, thanks for taking the time. Would love to hear any other similiar stories.

 

TIA!!!

[Gunny376]

First off!

 

Get off the "guilt trip" wagon!

 

The cheaters always re-write the martial history!

 

If you'd done this, if you'd done that! If you'd said this or if you'd said that!

 

You didn't rub my @zz the right way like I like it!

 

$300 a month in child support!

 

I was paying out over $800 a month and the XHEX was trading for new cars every two years! While I was driving used, ducked-taped, held together with bailing wire, "Please God just let me make it to work and back one-more-day" crap! Working two jobs!

 

Forget this @zzhat!

 

You don't want to cut your nose off to spite your face (cost him his job ~ aka child support) but were it me? I'd blow him off! Puffffff!

 

Go away @zzhat and leave me alone!

[2sunny]

well congratulations... you seem to be a very strong woman.

 

i love that you have a firm boundary and you are willing to stick with it. it's not easy - i know. look out for you and your kids because it's obvious he's not going to be thinking about what's best for the family.

 

he has continued to slap you in the face - so why spare him from the mess that he continues to make?

 

yes, tell her H, move forward, stay strong and keep posting there are plenty of people here that will give you good support.

 

and i'm sorry for your pain.

[Gunny376]

BTW!

 

When I was paying child support to the tune of $800 a month, she was cruising around in a new Pontiac Grand Am, Ford Explorer, then a Jeep Grand Cherokee, then a Ford Mustang GT convertible (because she turned 40 and was depressed over doing so) , then another Ford Explorer!

 

All new!

 

Now she's tooling around town in a 1998 Toyota Corolla!

[Gunny376]

well congratulations... you seem to be a very strong woman.

 

i love that you have a firm boundary and you are willing to stick with it. it's not easy - i know. look out for you and your kids because it's obvious he's not going to be thinking about what's best for the family.

 

he has continued to slap you in the face - so why spare him from the mess that he continues to make?

 

yes, tell her H, move forward, stay strong and keep posting there are plenty of people here that will give you good support.

 

and i'm sorry for your pain.

 

 

I enjoy your posts 2sunny!

 

But if she exposes the OW to the husband? He will lose his job!

 

In effect she will be cutting off her nose to spite her face!

[2sunny]

uhm, he loses his job and she loses $300. a month! so what!

 

she can work part time if he loses his job and he can owe her the money when he works again.

 

it;s HIS problem - not hers. he is unwilling to go NC with his OW and now he has to suffer the consequences of his actions and bad behavior - whatever that may be.

 

whatever it is - he's not going to like any of it... but he should have considered that before he unzipped his fly.

[Gunny376]

uhm, he loses his job and she loses $300. a month! so what!

 

she can work part time if he loses his job and he can owe her the money when he works again.

 

it;s HIS problem - not hers. he is unwilling to go NC with his OW and now he has to suffer the consequences of his actions and bad behavior - whatever that may be.

 

whatever it is - he's not going to like any of it... but he should have considered that before he unzipped his fly.

 

I agree with you ~ BUT!

 

There are children involved. Were it just her? I would say suck it up and deal with it!

 

And with 15 million un-employed and under-employed currently ~ getting a second job isn't that easy to do. You've got people with MBA's driving cabs in NYNY!

 

Owing back child support and collecting it are two different things. You've got the guy in TN,who fathered 21 children by the age of 27?

 

By TN state law the most they can collect in CS is around $700 (Half of his income). Its the tax payer that foots the rest of the bill in the form of food stamps, Section 8 housing, welfare, medicare etc.

[hopesndreams]

"Congratulations, you did it. There will be no more contact with her. Thanks for taking the one thing that finally might have made me happy away from me.""

 

Expose, expose, expose. Why wait til the marriage is over? Tell the tramps H what is going on, he deserves that much, he may get rid of her and then they will get it on together in the real world and not fantasy and then you can just sit back and watch it all fizzle.

 

He will have to pay that 300 a month regardless where he works, or if he gets fired he plans never to work again? Yeah, right.

[2sure]

Just on the OFF chance....

 

Recovery of a marriage cannot begin to even be thought about until an affair is stopped. Even if the WS is not completely committed to saving the marriage and never seeing the AP again...stopping the affair creates a window of opportunity for the marriage. A window of opportunity to make decisions one way or the other without the other person involved.

 

This hasnt happened yet. Often, it is up to the BS to make it happen. I know that ideally you would want your H to make this decision, but he isnt capable of it right now. So, the heavy lifting is up to you - and this is often the case. To stop an affair and create this window, the affair has to be revealed. You should have told the OW's H right away. But it isnt too late. You have nothing to lose.

[sounsure]

Thanks to everyone that has responded. Things are the same. I'm so afraid that he will lose his job if I expose the affair. It so unfair!! I just can't believe this is happening. It just seems so unbelievable that he thinks this person is what is going to make him happy. I also do not want my beautiful daughters to be exposed to this craziness. They are only 5 and 7. They love their dad and I don't want to change that. This sucks!!

[2sure]

By telling you that he could lose his job if you expose (and stop) the affair...your H is making YOU responsible for his actions.

 

He is the one who chose to risk his job, family, and lifestyle...

 

But now its in your lap? Please.

[phineas]

Why would he loose his job?

I don't understand that.

He's banging someone from work.

So what?

Unless one is the subordinate of the other I can't imagine why he'd loose his job.

 

He may quit out of embaracement.

 

I agree with exposeure.

I wish I had gone public on my wife when I first found those pictures of her & OM.

 

But I believed her when she said it was over.

 

Now it's over between us.

There is nothing to save.

[NOTSURE7]

ok maybe i can offer some insight, i am a wh who just revealed my A with a mw to my W about 1 month ago..i went full no contact immediately and it was the best thing i could have ever done for myself and my M, it cleared a fog and allowed me to see what i was doing and what i had done and most of all to think clearly, if your H cannot go Nc it is because he dosent want too and could care less about your marriage..Nc is the only possible way you can have a chance...

 

so now i will offer you some perspective inside the mind of the MM..

 

He wants his cake and to eat it too, nothing more, nothing less.. that really sums it all up, You are not to blame at all,i was in an affair fog with a married woman,same deal she didnt want her H to know,we talked about the same bs,soulmates,how happy we would be together blah blah blah...he is caught up in a fantasy world that will never exist in reality..

 

Although i am of the thought that telling the womans H dosent really solve any problems that exist between you and your H, i think of that more in the text of when you are working on repairing your marrige...but i guess if your marriage is truly over and has no hope and your H has no desire to work on himself and your M then maybe it is a little bit of justice to let her h know just what is going on, but thats your call..

 

the lose his job is complete Bs and just an excuse,he is grasping at straws because the ow dosent want her H to know and he will do anything to protect her.. furthermore if he really worried about losing his job he wouldnt have cheated with someone at work in the first place..he is worried about losing the ow and thats about it..

 

i myself decided that my W and 3 beautiful children were worth the world to me and i am commited to making my mariage work, i have and will continue to do everyhting neccesary to make this happen and Nc was the first big step..if your H wants you and your marriage then he will never have to think about anything and he will just do it..

[2sunny]

ok maybe i can offer some insight, i am a wh who just revealed my A with a mw to my W about 1 month ago..i went full no contact immediately and it was the best thing i could have ever done for myself and my M, it cleared a fog and allowed me to see what i was doing and what i had done and most of all to think clearly, if your H cannot go Nc it is because he dosent want too and could care less about your marriage..Nc is the only possible way you can have a chance...

 

so now i will offer you some perspective inside the mind of the MM..

 

He wants his cake and to eat it too, nothing more, nothing less.. that really sums it all up, You are not to blame at all,i was in an affair fog with a married woman,same deal she didnt want her H to know,we talked about the same bs,soulmates,how happy we would be together blah blah blah...he is caught up in a fantasy world that will never exist in reality..

 

Although i am of the thought that telling the womans H dosent really solve any problems that exist between you and your H, i think of that more in the text of when you are working on repairing your marrige...but i guess if your marriage is truly over and has no hope and your H has no desire to work on himself and your M then maybe it is a little bit of justice to let her h know just what is going on, but thats your call..

 

the lose his job is complete Bs and just an excuse,he is grasping at straws because the ow dosent want her H to know and he will do anything to protect her.. furthermore if he really worried about losing his job he wouldnt have cheated with someone at work in the first place..he is worried about losing the ow and thats about it..

 

i myself decided that my W and 3 beautiful children were worth the world to me and i am commited to making my mariage work, i have and will continue to do everyhting neccesary to make this happen and Nc was the first big step..if your H wants you and your marriage then he will never have to think about anything and he will just do it..

 

this is very true... when the truth is revealed - it allows the healing to BEGIN.

 

as long as the cover up continues... the excitement of it still being a secret is active - and allows the affair to continue to be fed - which in turn keeps it alive.

 

the truth is - your husband isn't willing to completely reveal the truth because it still benefits him to some degree. the fact that he's willing to allow that to be hurtful to you and your marriage is very revealing in itself.

[delajoonal]

my H had an online EA...for 3 weeks..

i nipped that in the bud..FOR THEM...lol

 

AND i called OW H...tadah!!!

they all deserved IT...

sh** heads!

 

p.s. my H had the nerve to say, if i had NOT called the OW H, he was thinking of getting back together with me..LOL...oh , OK. like i am in first grade, and you were going to hang out with me at recess but i hit you with the dodge ball and now you won't hang out with me..LOL...childish arse!

[digitalwizard]

I am recently fixing things with my wife who separated from me and in the process found a long distance emotional-based relationship with another man. My personal advice is to not interfere with the OW husband. If he has any common sense what-so-ever, he will realize like so many before him that something is awry. HE will do his own investigation and searching and discover the affair on his own.

 

As for your cheating husband who is not willing to go NC or even stop thinking about the other woman, he is so concerned about him losing his job yet he continues the affair knowing that full well the OW's husband can figure it out at anytime. So, in reality, who is really putting his job & children in jeopardy? Him! I am a firm believer in karma and I have experienced a lot of it throughout my life. What goes around truly does come back around. So next time you talk to him (if you even still do) ask him if he's so concerned about his job then why isn't he taking the steps (i.e. ending the AFFAIR) to ensure that his job security stays in place. You never know, he could be just using that as a threat, as in playing on your compassionate side, knowing that you will not do that to him.

 

In the end, all the advice in the world is just that...advice. You have to be the one to live with your decisions. You have to be the one to make your decisions. Don't let any one bit of advice make your decision for you. Follow your heart.

 

Wiz