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gf doesn't love me at this point... should I tell her?


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Posted

...but I do love her. I've tried convincing myself that I don't, but I just do. I know that she isn't in love with me at this point... we're two people who would normally take a long time (as is her case obviously) to fall for someone. It's happened to me before, but it took a long time (a year). It's been 7 months now with my current gf. We've talked a lot and I know that one of her hangups with falling in love is that she overthinks everything all the time. One day she thinks I'm the person she could share the rest of her life with, and the next day not. Anyway, I just feel like I have to tell her that I love her. Not make it into a big momentous pronouncement, etc... but just let her know. At this point, I don't see what I have to lose, other than my own sanity by keeping it bottled up inside me.

Posted

are you sure she doesent love you? I mean has she straight out told you that she doesent? I would say just tell her, if it is bothering you this much you should say something. Like you said it is for your own sanity right? Knowing where you stand will be that much better than not knowing.

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Posted

well she's said she really wishes she could get to that point (of being in love). I'm pretty sure she's not there yet. And I can tell by the way she behaves anyway.

 

I told her about a month ago that I was falling for her, but hadn't reached the point of being in love with her. I know I've now reached that point now.

Posted

Go ahead and tell her. But do it without any expectations. You shouldn't expect her to reciprocate if she's not ready. True love should be unconditional. :) So just be ready for the possibility that she won't say it back. And be okay with that. If you're not okay with that, then I'd say you're not ready to say it.

Posted

Yeah, I'm curious, are you okay with her not being at that point? Do you want to say it, to hear it back? I'm not saying you don't love her, but I'm wondering if part of you wants to say it so much because you want her to be at the same point you are. I'm a firm believer in saying what you feel, but with her on and off type of behavior, I would expect it to be even more on and off, if she really does over think things...

Posted

I think you should keep it to yourself until you sense that she loves you. Telling her any sooner isn't going to make her feel closer to you or fall for you, it will just emphasize the underlying emotional disconnect in the relationship by spotlighting that you two aren't on the same page.

 

You said she has hangups and over-thinks everything, so what makes you think telling her you're in love won't also undergo this?

 

You said you know she's not in love with you, so what do you intend to gain by saying to her, "I love you"?

 

I know you want to get it out in the open and off your chest, but think of how saying it can affect her and the relationship. If she really wanted to hear those words from you, she would be asking you how you feel about her. You saying it just forces her to acknowledge and focus on the lack of love on her part, which triggers lots of negative emotions: confusion for why she's not feeling in love when you are; guilt for not feeling the same about you; pressure to make herself fall for you; anxieties concerning your future together if she can't change her feelings; doubts as to whether you two are right for each other. A whole lot of heavy stuff and nothing good for you. With her over-thinking, the list can go on and on, silently eating away at your relationship without you and maybe even her being aware that it's happening.

 

If you want to put her through all of that and create a sense of distance, go ahead and for your own reasons tell her you love her. Put her in the awkward position of trying to figure out how to respond without hurting you or feeling like a bad girlfriend. But if you want her to fall for you, refrain from being the boyfriend who tells her he's in love when he knows she's not. Don't talk about your love, be about it. Treat her well and keep things light. You're the man in the relationship, chill out and make her laugh like your name suggests. Let her bring the mushy emotions to the table :cool:.

Posted
I think you should keep it to yourself until you sense that she loves you. Telling her any sooner isn't going to make her feel closer to you or fall for you, it will just emphasize the underlying emotional disconnect in the relationship by spotlighting that you two aren't on the same page.

 

I agree with this. You know she doesn't love you at this point, the moment that you tell her that you love her the dynamics of the relationship is going to change.

 

You may end up putting her in an uncomfortable situation because she's not in the position to say it back to you. Rather than bringing you closer together it could do the opposite.

Posted
I think you should keep it to yourself until you sense that she loves you. Telling her any sooner isn't going to make her feel closer to you or fall for you, it will just emphasize the underlying emotional disconnect in the relationship by spotlighting that you two aren't on the same page.

 

You said she has hangups and over-thinks everything, so what makes you think telling her you're in love won't also undergo this?

 

You said you know she's not in love with you, so what do you intend to gain by saying to her, "I love you"?

 

I know you want to get it out in the open and off your chest, but think of how saying it can affect her and the relationship. If she really wanted to hear those words from you, she would be asking you how you feel about her. You saying it just forces her to acknowledge and focus on the lack of love on her part, which triggers lots of negative emotions: confusion for why she's not feeling in love when you are; guilt for not feeling the same about you; pressure to make herself fall for you; anxieties concerning your future together if she can't change her feelings; doubts as to whether you two are right for each other. A whole lot of heavy stuff and nothing good for you. With her over-thinking, the list can go on and on, silently eating away at your relationship without you and maybe even her being aware that it's happening.

 

If you want to put her through all of that and create a sense of distance, go ahead and for your own reasons tell her you love her. Put her in the awkward position of trying to figure out how to respond without hurting you or feeling like a bad girlfriend. But if you want her to fall for you, refrain from being the boyfriend who tells her he's in love when he knows she's not. Don't talk about your love, be about it. Treat her well and keep things light. You're the man in the relationship, chill out and make her laugh like your name suggests. Let her bring the mushy emotions to the table :cool:.

 

After reading this I do have to say that eric makes a good point that I did not eve think of. This seems to be the best approach to the situation, so I think what eric said :)

  • Author
Posted

yes it is indeed a good point. I was going to tell her in such a way so as to make her feel like she doesn't have to say it back... that she can taker her time and not feel pressured (and honestly, I don't want to her to love me if she feels she has to force herself). But, perhaps I should just go with what eric82 suggested. I'll go mad keeping it to myself, but maybe that's for the best at the moment. We have a week long trip planned for mid August... I'm hoping that brings us closer anyway.

Posted
yes it is indeed a good point. I was going to tell her in such a way so as to make her feel like she doesn't have to say it back... that she can taker her time and not feel pressured (and honestly, I don't want to her to love me if she feels she has to force herself). But, perhaps I should just go with what eric82 suggested. I'll go mad keeping it to myself, but maybe that's for the best at the moment. We have a week long trip planned for mid August... I'm hoping that brings us closer anyway.

 

If I may suggest something....

Why not write it all out, how you feel, date it, seal it, and tuck it away. Then when the right time comes along, tell her how you feel, and hand it to her. But wait until she has all her hang ups sorted out. But at least by writing it out, you're expressing your feelings, instead of bottling them.

  • Author
Posted

not a bad idea.... perhaps I'll do that then.

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