kuka14 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I'm brand new to this site and am just looking for feedback/help/advice/similar situations, etc. My story: Three weeks ago I met a guy at a mutual friend's party. I've been out of a LTR for two years now and am just getting ready to date (after spending the last two years in school, adjusting to single parenthood, getting healthy in the gym, etc.). Long story short, went home with the guy (not proud of my behavior, but it is what it is). Had an amazing night and day - honestly, never felt such an amazing connection right away with someone I have just met until now. (Yes, cocktails were involved and it was a late night but there was still a great chemistry with us when we were together.) SO, we were in touch within a few days and we agreed to meet the next weekend. However, he let me know that he is currently separated and his wife is not living at home but they are 'working on things'. Yet, he still came to see me and I still let him. Our second time together was amazing, again. He could have left me that morning but he stuck around, took me to lunch, we had great conversation, and when we parted I said 'Well, I'll probably never see you again...' and he said 'You never know. I really don't know what's going to happen with my marriage.' That night I sent him a message and told him I had a really great time with him and I think he's a wonderful guy, blah, blah, blah, but that I know he's married and there really isn't room for me right now and I should step back. While he does agree with this, he keeps leaving messages that are open-ended and give me hope that we'll see each other again. I feel like if he wasn't interested and wanted to end things with the few nights we've spent together, then he wouldn't send me such nice messages and say things like 'not sure how my marriage will work out...' and 'perhaps we'll meet again under 'normal' circumstances'. Almost like he's already sure his marriage is over, but is trying to not get more involved with me until he knows for sure. I do give hiim credit for telling me about his marriage, especially since his wife moved out of state! Most recently he let me know that he was going out to see her and said 'hopefully things will work out but if not I know where to get a hold of you'. ?????? Ugh. We're definitely attracted to each other and have a lot of fun together, but his marriage is way bigger than me and I'm not sure what to think. I really like this guy, but I'm really not sure what his intentions for me are. He's had more opportunities to 'get together' with me but has held back, all while telling me how great he thinks I am and how incredibly attracted to me he is. Do I wait for this guy? Forget about him? Help! I've never been in this kind of situation before...
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I've been out of a LTR for two years now and am just getting ready to date It took you 2 years to get your feet back on the ground and be ready to date again comfortably..This guy is NOT ready to get into anything. He is very married and that's not going to change. Don't wait for him! He's got baggage and tons of it. ENJOY the fact you're ready to date and fall inlove again! Don't waste it on some married guy who claims he "might" separate or leave his wife. You deserve better and more! If you help him cheat on his wife, or wait around in hopes he'll be yours someday, you're gonna not only get hurt, but you WILL miss out on love with a single guy who will be able to offer you alot more than this guy can. The choice is yours, I just hope you really give this thought. Go read more in this section and also in the infidelity section. Don't help him hurt his wife, and don't allow him to hurt and manipulate you!
tami-chan Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Are you ok to being the second choice? the back-up plan?
KikiW Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him know you would be interested in seeing him again... provided he has finalized the situation with his wife. There is no telling what the real story is at this point - he could be feeding you all kinds of lines to get you on the hook and by the time you find out the truth, you are neck deep in emotions for him and things just get enormously messy.
Author kuka14 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. I am a little lost at this point because A) I am new to the dating scene again, and B) I told myself these last few years that I wouldn't jump into something with a guy, and the first thing I did on a night out was hop into bed with someone - who turned out to be a separated/MM! Like I said in my initial post, I am glad that he was honest with me about his situation and I do appreciate the fact that he has been keeping me 'posted' on what's going on. He is leaving to see his wife in CA next weekend (she moved out of the house and moved to CA from our state in the midwest) and I believe that he will come back with an answer as to what SHE wants to do. It really appears she is the reason for the separation - or at least it was her decision. When a spouse moves out of state and leaves the H, isn't that a fairly good indication that the marriage will be hard to salvage? I haven't been married (only LTR), so I really don't know what happens when spouses separate and what chances are like that they'll reconnect. I am prepared to move forward if he and his wife stay together - I have enough to keep me busy in my life. Right now I'm wrapped around the great things he's said to me, the way he made me feel - all the good things are definitely crowding out the bad/realistic things I SHOULD be thinking about (like, he's married! duh!). It's a boost to my ego and my confidence, and I honestly feel like he and I could have a great time together in the dating world IF his marriage doesn't work out. Maybe what I'm looking for is...does this sort of thing EVER work out for the OW???
fooled once Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I can tell by your post that you are hoping beyond hope that this will be a good guy for you. Sadly, right now is NOT the time to be pinning your hopes on him. IF he ends his marriage, the last thing he needs is to jump into a relationship and you don't need to be his rebound girl. Depending on if he and his wife have kids and on what state they file in, a divorce could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to end. And that is just the legality part of it. Sounds like from what you have written, he is still invested in his marriage and wants it to work out. His wife is the one who has left him. Stop being in contact with him. Stop feeding his ego and giving him someone to 'be with' during this time in his life. He needs to be turning to his wife to get his 'needs' met. In addition, you really don't know him or what he is like. You aren't dating him; you are just doing him. Let go of this fantasy. Let go of the 'maybe's' with him. Just let him go and let him deal with his marriage without someone waiting in the wings for him. Do some situations between a MM and a OW work out? Yes, but I don't think with the same circumstances you are in. GEL is a member who has had this work out; but only because she told her MM that she won't come second to anyone and cut off contact until he could come to her free of his marriage. I am sure he is keeping you up to date on himself; because he wants you to wait for him. DON'T DO IT!!! Just tell him thanks for the nights but you don't date married men. IF he ever were to divorce, and if you were single, you would be willing to try dating him (not just sleeping with him; but dating him). Move on and find someone who is available. You will find an amazing connection with someone else. I know what you mean about enjoying the attention; but at what cost? Look out for yourself because no one else is going to do that for you. Good luck.
Devil Inside Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I'm a MM that just ended an affair. I can tell you, he is going through a roller coaster right now. Let him finish whatever is going on with his wife before you get attached. Even if he leaves her and they divorce he will be a mess. He will have some work he has to do on himself. As much as he will tell you what you want to hear his feelings can't be trusted...I know...I am a mess too. Just my two cents.
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 It's a boost to my ego and my confidence, and I honestly feel like he and I could have a great time together in the dating world IF his marriage doesn't work out. Maybe what I'm looking for is...does this sort of thing EVER work out for the OW??? Again, it took you 2 years to be ready to date again. I'm sure he will need time and space to heal before he's ready to date. Apply your situation to his, and he isn't even really divorced yet, or really 'that' separated. Why wait around for a year or two? Is he worth it?
2sure Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Wow! What a sweet guy! How lucky are you to have "found" him. You probably feel bad for all the other women who wouldnt date him simply because he was married. I mean, his marriage is on the rocks so he isnt really a cheater. Just because his wife thinks he is working on the marriage doesnt mean he isnt a sincere guy. You could tell right? He leaves such nice open ended messages. You tried to break it off with him...but he just cant do it. Besides, he was honest with you and told you that if his lies have the desired effect on his wife...he wont be needing you. Sweet. Be careful though...because if his wife doesnt buy into his story and divorces him...he will be available. Available to all of those women who wouldnt date him when he was married/separated. In fact , having a much larger pool to choose from you may find he has an amazing connection with ...a lot of people.
Author kuka14 Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 I really appreciate all of the feedback/advice/reality checks - and I definitely appreciate that it's all coming from different POVs. It's what I needed to hear. Am I still thinking about this guy? Yes. Am I planning on keeping in touch with him right now? No. He's not keeping me from opening my eyes to SINGLE, AVAILABLE men - which is what I really need for myself. I've realized this. Sure the MM is attractive to me in so many ways, except legally. I thought I had come so far mentally and physically since my own break-up two years ago - until I jumped into bed with a MM and old anxieties came flooding back! This has made me realize that I need to take a step back and get my priorities straight, and hearing everyone's opinions has helped me to do that, so thank you. I do have a lot to offer an available man, I just got caught up in the thrill of this guy's interest in me and fell for it - very fast and very hard. MM and I did exchange messages two days ago and basically I said 'thanks for the great times, but I've been feeling bad.' He wrote back 'I don't want you to feel bad - I don't feel bad about it, so you shouldn't either.' But he said he was going to be 'on his best behavior' and wait to see how his out-of-state visit with his wife goes, and that he knows how to get a hold of me (if it doesn't go well?? for a booty call? who knows...). We both said we wished we'd met under different circumstances, and then he said 'perhaps someday we'll meet under normal circumstances.' (Not sure if to him normal means 'I'll say hi to you in the grocery store' or perhaps 'I'll call you when I'm divorced'. Pretty vague.) Do you see how he leaves messages open-ended ('perhaps we'll meet again...')? Is it just me? I was the one leaving the messages with the concrete ending, and then his replies would include those hopeful lines. Or is he just being NICE? Finally, he dropped a few more wonderful-sounding adjectives about me and I said 'Ok - take care!', or something like that. I've just never had such a quick, sexual relationship with someone who's been so NICE and complimentary afterwards, especially weeks after our last meeting. I'd think a guy who was through with me wouldn't even bother to stay in touch. SO, that's that...for now. I'm really feeling like I won't hear from him again or at least for a long while, and I think that's perfectly ok! In fact, I'm thinking that in a few weeks I'll look back and think of how silly I acted to get so wound up about this guy. Sheez! Thanks again for all of the words of wisdom!
brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 sweetheart, do not get anymore involved with this guy! do not think about him, or keep analysing his texts. i was seeing a MM until yesterday, his W is potentially having an A (no proof, but lots of signs), she has moved out before 4 3 weeks. he has promised to leave, but doesn't. now they're off 4 2 weeks in greece!! i think this guy has looked at you to boost his ego, as his M is on the rocks. his W has separated from him, so he needs an ego boost, and you have very nicely provided it.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Kuka good for you for seeing that you dont want to get involved with him while he is married but you are missing the point because he was being VERY CLEAR with you. SO, we were in touch within a few days and we agreed to meet the next weekend. However, he let me know that he is currently separated and his wife is not living at home but they are 'working on things'. Yet, he still came to see me and I still let him. Our second time together was amazing, again. He could have left me that morning but he stuck around, took me to lunch, we had great conversation, and when we parted I said 'Well, I'll probably never see you again...' and he said 'You never know. I really don't know what's going to happen with my marriage.' That night I sent him a message and told him I had a really great time with him and I think he's a wonderful guy, blah, blah, blah, but that I know he's married and there really isn't room for me right now and I should step back. While he does agree with this, he keeps leaving messages that are open-ended Thats because he has fun with you, great sex and you know hes working on his marriage and still you dont mind. Who says no to that? Yes he may really enjoy your company but he TOLD YOU he was working on his marriage. I am assuming you are a great girl, fun attractive, great in bed - why wouldnt he want to spend time with you? Hed be crazy not to and BIG BONUS you were OK with the fact that he said he was working on things with his W. and give me hope that we'll see each other again. I feel like if he wasn't interested and wanted to end things with the few nights we've spent together, then he wouldn't send me such nice messages and say things like 'not sure how my marriage will work out...' and 'perhaps we'll meet again under 'normal' circumstances'. Almost like he's already sure his marriage is over, but is trying to not get more involved with me until he knows for sure. I do give hiim credit for telling me about his marriage, especially since his wife moved out of state! Wishful thinking. Normal but wishful thinking. Most recently he let me know that he was going out to see her and said 'hopefully things will work out but if not I know where to get a hold of you'. ?????? Ugh. He is being very honest. Yes if he were single he would want to see you. But you are an "option" in his marriage. Not where you want to be. You couldnt help it at first as you legitimately met him at a party but now that you know you dont want to be that person. We're definitely attracted to each other and have a lot of fun together, but his marriage is way bigger than me and I'm not sure what to think. I really like this guy, but I'm really not sure what his intentions for me are. Hes made his intentions clear he will call if the marriage doesnt work out. Dont sit there on standby. You arent a rental car that is used as a back up when the family car crashes. He's had more opportunities to 'get together' with me but has held back, all while telling me how great he thinks I am and how incredibly attracted to me he is. Do I wait for this guy? Forget about him? Help! I've never been in this kind of situation before... Its disappointing when you meet someone you think could be a good match and hes not, but hes not. hes not available. He is being honorable by NOT seeing you. Stay away. Look it was a toe back in the dating pool. Now go out and meet someone who can give you everything you want and deserve.
norajane Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Kuka good for you for seeing that you dont want to get involved with him while he is married but you are missing the point because he was being VERY CLEAR with you. Its disappointing when you meet someone you think could be a good match and hes not, but hes not. hes not available. He is being honorable by NOT seeing you. Stay away. Look it was a toe back in the dating pool. Now go out and meet someone who can give you everything you want and deserve. Agreed. It was a step back into dating, but, look - dating hasn't changed! Find out their marital status before going to bed with anyone! There is nothing wrong with asking a guy if he's married or has a girlfriend. Do not assume they are single just because they portray themselves that way. And when you are told he is married, has a gf, whatever - that's when you step back and forget him. No matter what follows "I'm married" or "I have a gf", step back. Because regardless of what follows, he's NOT available and will only be a source of trauma for you, one way or another.
MSUE Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 you are plan B...the go to when the wife thing isn't working for him...keep in mind mos MM or MW lie and lie and lie...I know this first hand as I was once the MW having the A with my OM...i(n my case being the 1 % I left my H for my OM and so far its worked)...anyhow my point is there is no way of knowing about his sincerity for all we know the wife is temporarily out of state due to work and not a rocky marriage...if you decide to continue to be part of this man's life get ready for the rollercoaster of your life...after 2 years of working on getting back on your feet you may want to rethink about this man
Author kuka14 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Thanks again for the replies. I have had NC with him for five days, and like I said before - I really doubt I will hear much more from him anytime soon. We left things on very friendly terms and I think we both realized that it was a great time, but there's really nothing more we can do about it at this point (whether we/he/I want(s) to or not). Unfortunately, we have a few mutual friends (something I realized after we met) and through those mutual friends I have the opportunity to find out what he's up to on a certain social networking site. I hate that I know how to do this! I've found out lots about this MM just by using the computer, but the good thing is it hasn't caused me to initiate contact with him at all or try to use our mutual friends to stay in touch. It just sucks that I know how to 'keep tabs on him' IF I wanted to (and I sort of do right now because I'm still thinking about him). I'm still in that 'wishful thinking' phase, I suppose, but I'm just happy that I'm not knocking down this guy's door or mapping his address so I can drive by. I don't feel that desperate, thankfully! I wish I could just shut off the part of my mind that is reminisicing about our great nights together, but I know that will come with time! Thanks again for all the feedback - it's really helping!
norajane Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I wish I could just shut off the part of my mind that is reminisicing about our great nights together, but I know that will come with time! It sounds to me like you might want to take dating a little slower. If you get this attached to someone so quickly, then you may end up on a constant roller-coaster of highs and lows when you meet someone, hook up, get thoroughly invested very quickly, and then spend weeks and weeks trying to forget them if they don't turn out to be the fairy-tale romance. Don't give your heart away so quickly to strangers!!
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