my husband cheated i cant get over it

[zoe18]

Hi,

Im new to all this but would very much like some help and advice. my current situation is, that back in may 09 my husband turned to me and said i dont love you anymore i dont want to be with you and then the next day he left and stayed with a friend. i should explain that at the time i was 7 months pregnant with his 1st child. we talked and all he would say is hes felt like it for ages and wants out now. this came out the blue to me as i thought we were happy. he is in the forces so was due to go away training to france. before he went he said that hopefully he will miss me while away and then hed know that he still wanted to be with me. (your prob thinking im an idiot to except this, but i believe i was so shocked by the whole thing) anway while he was in france i discovered that after only a night there he had slept with somone else! this discovery sent my into early labour, 30 weeks and i was taken to hospital to stop this, lucky things were ok. he flew bk from france that day and spent 2 days by my bedside in hospital where he refused to discuss france at all. after this the hospital did tests and discovered i was quite ill. during this time he moved back home saying he wanted to take care of me, i said i didnt need that and i could look after myself but i think he felt he had to. after about 2 months of this, (during which time he went out everynight and at the gym all day so there was no real looking after done) he said he wanted to try out relationship again, so i agreed to try cos i did love him, then i found out a fews ago he only said it cos i was sick. then i gave birth and had an awful labour resulting in c-section, he then said he was infatuated with me and loved me, then when i got her home (our daughter) he said his feelings actually havent changed and he wants out again, but then a day later he wants to try but warned me that hes not really sure if he wants to be married to me but does want to try but he doesnt feel the same anymore. please help im so confused and to top it all we just keep rowing. i think cos i want him to see that all of this has broken me and hes still not even sure what he wants!!! its not even like hes making a massive effort to be here. he says hes sorry for sleeping with some one else but that i should let it go cos hed told me we were over. does that mean i have no right to think of it as cheating. it happend ten days after he said he wanted out of our marriage and we had been together 6 years and i was pregnant? im so confused and upset i dont know where to go from here, or how i start to get over this. please help

[SunRays20]

Start with no contact with him and have him served with divorce paper. Make sure you ask for alimony and child support.

 

How did you find out about his affair? How do you know he is not still in the affair?

 

You need to protect yourself and your child. That's your main concern. If he can do it to you while you're pregnant with his child, imagine what he will do if you've lost a limb.

[Athena]

I think the reason why you are so confused is because you are not hearing the full story. He is clearly hiding things, and the fact that he will not 'discuss what happened in France' not only indicates his secretiveness, but also his capability to lie. He is not showing any real signs of remorse, but is flip-floping in what he tells you. Something is going on with him but he is not sharing the details.

 

You cannot stay in a marriage with a man who lies, cheats, is physically away from you, and threatens you with divorce all the time!

 

Also, the fact that he is claiming he didn't really cheat on you because he had broken up with you is absolute B.S.!!! That only works (giving a verbal 'break up') in girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, not in Marriage! Marriage is marriage until the divorce papers are signed, so whether he likes it or not, he did cheat on you.

 

I think you have to force the issue -- either he commits to you and the marriage or not. Working on your marital issues while he is abroad is not going to be possible, I am afraid. Is there anyway you can live with him, or have him come home permanently? There is lots of work to be done in your M and particularly he needs to do work in IC.

 

If he cannot or will not commit to you then you should cut your losses and file for divorce. You alone cannot make a marriage work. It takes two to make a marriage, and only one to destroy it.

[Athena]

The title of your thread is telling: <<my husband cheated i cant get over it>>... of course you cannot 'get over' it if he is not with you, not interested in making amends and restitution, and is not being honest with you!!!

 

Quit putting all the effort onto your own shoulders! You have done nothing wrong here, and therefore it is not possible for you to 'fix' this. He needs to come clean with you, want to change, put in concrete steps to change, and be totally 'transparent' about his behavior and thoughts. Since he is doing none of that, you cannot get over it!!

[zoe18]

thanks to all that replied. im still so unsure what to do, but we just keep fighting all the time. he seems to snap at me for no reason and i dont seem to be able to do anything right. i know deep down neither of us are happy and i dont think after all hes done it can be fixed, especially when he doesnt put the effort into fixing it. anyway thanks again for the advice

[Impudent Oyster]

Start with no contact with him and have him served with divorce paper. Make sure you ask for alimony and child support.

 

How did you find out about his affair? How do you know he is not still in the affair?

 

You need to protect yourself and your child. That's your main concern. If he can do it to you while you're pregnant with his child, imagine what he will do if you've lost a limb.

 

Agree 100%.

 

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT beg him to stay or try to "reason" with him. Let him go and try (as impossible as it may seem), to be as detached and unemotional as humanly possible.

 

If he's making a mistake and is merely confused he'll figure it out pretty quickly and if he really means what he said at least you'll retain your dignity and not waste another minute on him.

 

Your focus is you and you're child. Ugh....I am so angry at these irresponsible children like your husband who get married, have a child and THEN decide that's not what they wanted. Could he not have figured out he didn't love you BEFORE the wedding and the conception of your child?

[Impudent Oyster]

thanks to all that replied. im still so unsure what to do, but we just keep fighting all the time. he seems to snap at me for no reason and i dont seem to be able to do anything right. i know deep down neither of us are happy and i dont think after all hes done it can be fixed, especially when he doesnt put the effort into fixing it. anyway thanks again for the advice

 

 

That's common in someone who is having an affair. He's snapping at you and picking fights so that he will have a reason to leave. He has to make you into the enemy. If you're not the angry shrew he tells the OP you are, by golly he'll turn you into one.

 

Don't play his game, refuse to fight with him. The best thing you can do is to leave or better yet, circle some ads for apartments for HIM, hand him the phone and tell him to start packing. Don't let him drag you into his childish BS.

[KikiW]

I agreed completely with Impudent Oyster - he is picking fights to make himself feel better about being a d*ckhead.

 

Put your child as your number one priority now. that beautiful, innocent thing needs you to be a strong woman and show her how to face a challenge and beat it. See an attorney (and have THE ATTORNEY MAKE ALL CONTACT), rely on your close friends and family for support, and get yourself settled into a life with your little girl. Better companionship will present itself at the right time, believe me...

[zoe18]

hi thanks again to those who replied. im angry to about him wanting a baby then deciding its not for him when things are to late. our child was very much tried for and he told me the whole time he wanted a marriage and child, it wasnt untill i was seven months pregnant that he decided he wanted to be single. theres not alot i could do at this point. he also told me he hasnt felt right for over a year. (why then did he ask me to try for a baby, cos i even said i would never have a child to fix a marriage.) (not that i thought at this time our marriage needed fixing) things are so strange at the moment cos we get into these big talks about our marriage and what we both now want. he says hes still not sure he wants to be married to me cos things are crap between us at the moment and i try to explain that they are crap cos im looking for some reasurance he wants me and the marriage and cos its crap he cant give me that, so things just go round and round. im trying hard now just to make things normal and god forbid have some fun together. but its so hard when hes done all the hurting and i feel like im the only one really trying to fix what he messed up. i do believe that the one night stand was exactly that and theres nothing else going on now. i believe this cos at the moment he has 6 weeks leave from work and he is here each night not going anywhere else and there seems to be no signs of anyone else. also on a positive he is doing alot round the house and with our newborn, people keep telling me when a man wants to fix things and show he cares they often do this in a practicial way? this seems to be what hes doing, but im not sure if im looking for a positive thats not really there. this whole thing has made me doubt everything i thought i knew about him and it makes me second guess everything he says and dis-believe every word. i was never like this before. i also keep questioning myself, what did i do wrong? when actually i thought i was a pretty good wife. i also worry if we do manage to get out of this and get back together, if i wasnt enough before how will i be this time when i now only feel like half the person i was? does this mean it will happen again? i also hate the way hes made me feel about myself, i never felt insecure before i feel like hes stolen all my self esteem and he says doesnt understand at all why i feel so bad. surely deep down he knows. is any of this normal?

[Dexter Morgan]

he says hes sorry for sleeping with some one else but that i should let it go cos hed told me we were over.

 

well you'll never forget what he did. And it seems like he has a piss poor attitude if he expects you to just get over it. also seems like he doesn't want any grief over this. He wants a free pass.

 

have you considered divorce? cuz I can't see any reason to stay with a jackass like this, as if cheating wasn't enough reason to divorce him and take half of his s##t.

 

 

does that mean i have no right to think of it as cheating.

 

her certainly wants you to think of it that way, but he cheated, end of story. he can try to justify if all he wants.

 

 

it happend ten days after he said he wanted out of our marriage and we had been together 6 years and i was pregnant?

 

ok, that settles it....divorce this pr!ck.

[zoe18]

hi, thanks again for everyone that posted advice about my situation. things have moved on from before. my husband after everything now says that all those times he said he wanted to give it a go he didnt really mean it and only ever did it co's i was sick, even though i gave him countless chances to go and said dont be here cos im sick be here cos you want our marriage to work out. he now has two weeks before he goes to abroad with work and i wont see him for 12 weeks. iv'e asked loads of times what he wants and should we split up. he says he doesnt want to be married anymore and wants to be single. (he says not to go out and sleep arround, but as we have already seen he did this ten days after saying he wanted out when i was 7 months pregnant.) given what he says i then say ok well move out, but he then turned around and said 'well why dont we try and have fun together over the next two weeks before i go, and maybe that will change my mind, it most likely wont but theres a small chance it might.' ive said to him after six years together, a new born daughter and all my forgivness for what he's done the best i have to hope for is he might change his mind! i feel so outraged at him, hes the one whos done so much wrong, and the whole time through all of this cos of my new daughter ive tried to save our marriage. i feel like im holding on to it all by my finger tips. to top it off during this two weeks im not ment to mention anything about his one night stand nore get into deep meaningful conversatons about our future or ask even if we have one. and make everything fun and light hearted. how is a person ment to do this even if i wanted to. i feel like im trying to manage a big kid. who wants everything his way. re-reading this i know that everyone will think im a snapp and should just get out of there, but its not that simple. im still recovering from my c-section so am limited by what i can do. financially im now dependant on him cos he waited untill i was on maternity leave to do all this. and the house we live in is ours cos of his job. if we split up i'd have no rights to stay here. plus i have no family in this part of the country for help and would have to move away which would mean i'd loose the friends i do have. so i feel like i'd loose everything if we split but i cant continue as this door mat. he still says hes not sure how he feels but he does love me. this isent love is it. in the spirit of trying to have fun we have gone out on days and nights together and actually had a great time and for a while its felt like the old wonderful man i married but the second i dont agree with him or one of his single mates rings up he goes right back to snappy and moody and picking fights which then undoes all the fun of the nice days we have had. the other part of this post is that i also feel hes stripped all my confidence from me cos of his actions. i used to have a great job, paid more than him, i never felt worried about my apperance and was quite confident in my own attractiveness, (not to sound vain) now i feel ugly and fat and worthless, im even considering surgery cos of my post baby belly and the fact that hes so attractive i now dont feel good enough. ive told him if he doesnt want to be married then go move out. he asks me what i want him to do ( i think he does this so if i say move out he can then say well she kicked me out but also if i say stay he then justifys it in his head that ive begged him to stay, which ive never done) so when he says this i say do what you want to do, i want you to stay but if you want to go i wont say anything to stop you. i give him a clear chice and he always says he wants to stay then. so what am i ment to believe, if you wanted to be single wouldnt you just ove out? why would you want to stay? he also talks about our future, about other babies together and xmas when he comes back from work. if you thought you had no future together why would you talk about these things? when i ask him he says he does it just for me but doesnt mean it! but i havent started these conversations he has, im so confused. it all feels like a giant power struggle. please help any advice is appreciated.

[4everloveu]

I think you need to break down the paragraph so OP can read more clearly.

[zoe18]

thanks, yeah looking at the para it is a bit chuncky, but cant edit it now says ive run out of time. oh well,

[LifesontheUp]

I believe that he is keeping you hanging around in case his "single" life doesn't work out and he can come back to the old faithful - you.

 

I know its easier said than done but you need to start thinking of yourself and your baby. Your husband is quite clearly thinking of himself only - he sounds like a selfish sh$t to put it mildly.

 

Why on earth would you continue to live waiting for the few scraps of hope he keeps sending you? He has shown he wants the single life so let him have it completely, don't be his fall back plan just in case.

 

Tell him you will not live like this any longer and that when he leaves for his posting abroad you will be making other arrangements for accomodation. Look to friends for support and think about whether you want to stay in that location or move back home. Please don't let this selfish, childish man run you to the ground. Plan and take care of you and your baby.

 

I didn't think I could make it on my own either so can understand your reservations. But you know what, I did make it and so will you. Stop being a doormat and make a stand for you and your baby

[zoe18]

hi,

 

thanks for your advice. i know im being a door mat and thats the worse thing. at least if i didnt realise i was i might feel a bit better, but to know you are and theres not much you can do about it is awful.

 

i still dont really understand why this has all happen, 5 months ago i had a different life and was happy. now cos of him its all ruined, i feel like every part has been s**t on. i dont think i'll ever really know why this happen, i cant believe a word he says.

 

hes now saying he does want our marriage to work and has decided after everything he does want to be married. but how can i believe it? its the same situation we were in a few months ago and whats to stop it from happening all again? im not sure i can risk my feelings again, but then hes my baby dad so for her maybe i should. i just dont get how one day he can be great and so loving the next its like he hates me. its like he flipped out.

 

i'd welcome any advice from anyone whos been in this or a situation like it, on how they coped and what to do.

 

thanks

[foreal]

"i know im being a door mat and thats the worse thing. at least if i didnt realise i was i might feel a bit better, but to know you are and theres not much you can do about it is awful."

 

Maybe not much...but you can do something about it.

 

"...its the same situation we were in a few months ago and whats to stop it from happening all again?"

 

At least a few things:

 

Your H is in IC?

You are in IC?

Both in MC?

 

He's been completely truthful, transparent and answered any and all your questions w/o being a dick?

 

There's more.....but if those are being done then you can at least take a breath. If not...

 

I am sorry, this has to be so difficult after just having your baby.

 

Take a deep breath anyway...

[Thorny]

I am so angry for you, because it seems like you haven't been! Chop this dude off at the knees. There isn't any "love" worth this sh*t, and what your man is giving can't even be called love.

He's thinking with his pickle. Maybe he's got a brain disease, I don't know. But, please, just have him served divorce papers, change the locks, and send his stuff to his parents' house, if he has parents. Your child needs a father, not a guy that changes his mind like clean people change underwear. And you can certainly do better--you know, plenty of fish in the sea, and all that.

Don't think that you can salvage that mess, because you can't. Honestly, does anybody think that kind of behavior comes from a rational human being, capable of being a worthy husband and father? Please.

If I'm coming across as hostile, I'm sorry--it's outrage.