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I JUST FOUND OUT he's cheating on me....He doesn't know I know

InsatiableBri

By InsatiableBri
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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InsatiableBri Member

InsatiableBri

Posted
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I'm in his room right now. As an event planner I was doing some work on his computer searching for DJ's and found an AIM text log from a DJLOVIE5609...talking about how she is moving and he wants to see her some more and potentially kidnap her to a hotel for a night.....

 

SO I searched his AIM text logs and found another one where he was talking to a girl who responded to his CRAIGS LIST AD

 

Next week is our 4 year anniversary....

 

This is out of the blue...I have trusted him completely. He was the, "I never cheat guy" and I have believed him....

 

OH MY GOD

 

He will be home from work in a couple of hours....I don't know what to do..

 

This isn't happening....

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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Leave his computer on with all that you've seen and don't be home when he gets home in afew hours.. Pack afew bags and go stay with your family or some good friends.. Let HIM figure out that you KNOW he's cheated on you.

 

What a scumbag he is!

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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i agree with WWIU... in addition - leave a note that says - you are not the man you pretend to be and i'm unwilling to settle for a man that will cheat and hide it from me, always pretending to be something you are not.

 

that ought to give him some closure on what you are not willing to tolerate and leave no questions as to why it ended.

Dreamer_RN New Member

Dreamer_RN

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remember...things are not always what they seem...usually, but not always. I too dealt with a cheater husband and I could always sense it before I could prove it...this last time was when I said "What on earth am I doing??". I agree with the whichwayisup...get out, take a breath, reevaluate yourself, and look at things with a fresh face. Only then can you make any rational decisions...The best of luck to you...this is a very difficult time.

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InsatiableBri Member

InsatiableBri

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Part of me wants to stay here and confront him on it...

 

Part of me wants to not be here when he gets back....

 

but

 

4 years...I have so many questions - I just don't understand.

 

But really what can he even say....

 

I also feel if I do try and talk to him about it he will just turn it into a fight on how I found out...

 

Is this really happening....omg

SunRays20 Member

SunRays20

Posted
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Part of me wants to stay here and confront him on it...

 

Part of me wants to not be here when he gets back....

 

but

 

4 years...I have so many questions - I just don't understand.

 

But really what can he even say....

 

I also feel if I do try and talk to him about it he will just turn it into a fight on how I found out...

 

Is this really happening....omg

 

One of those questions is do you have an STD or HIV? You need to get tested and ask yourself whether you want to stay with a cheater and be treated like a fool.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
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I recall when I found my ex cheating and I was with him 11 yrs and thought he was the "one who would never cheat"

I feel your pain right now

 

Two things, I would confront him and second you should edit your post to remove this girls nickname. But when you do google the name, it shows the CL ad showing she is looking for men. Which means he contacted her.

This could mean he only chatted with her and never physically met her. You need to find out

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
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Leave his computer on with all that you've seen and don't be home when he gets home in afew hours.. Pack afew bags and go stay with your family or some good friends.. Let HIM figure out that you KNOW he's cheated on you.

 

What a scumbag he is!

 

This is a good idea. Let him stew in it for a while, and don't talk to him when he tries to call you. Give him time alone to think about what he's lost. You'll have plenty of time to confront him later and give him a piece of your mind. For now, let him suffer knowing that he's been caught and can't lie his way out of it because you know better. And he'll want nothing more than to try to lie his way out of it.

 

I certainly hope you do know better...please don't let him bullsh*t you and talk you into staying with him. You have evidence, this is NOT a mistake, this is NOT an isolated incident, no "friend" was using his computer one day to solicit women on Craigs list, he wasn't accidentally replying to the wrong ad - he is going behind your back and soliciting other women.

 

Regardless of how he appeared and pretended to be for 4 years, these are his true colors and you deserve a lot better than a man you cannot trust and could potentially bring home STD's at any time. Do not give him a chance to gaslight you and make you question what you know. If you feel you might waver, print out those AIM's and his ad to remind you exactly what a lying liar who lies he is.

Hkizzle Established Member

Hkizzle

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I don't know what to do......

 

Get a key and scratch DJLOVIE5609 on his car hood. Then pack your bags and go to your families...........

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Get a key and scratch DJLOVIE5609 on his car hood. Then pack your bags and go to your families...........

 

That's malicious and it's not worth doing.

 

Let him stew in it and wonder where you are and what you're thinking. Take time to think things through, gather your thoughts so when you do talk to him, you'll be stronger and in control. Last thing you want to deal with is his manipulation and justifcations as to why on earth he'd cheat on you.. Chances are, he's in a fog and isn't thinking of anyone but himself anyway.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
Leave his computer on with all that you've seen and don't be home when he gets home in afew hours.. Pack afew bags and go stay with your family or some good friends.. Let HIM figure out that you KNOW he's cheated on you.

 

What a scumbag he is!

 

This is a good idea. Let him stew in it for a while, and don't talk to him when he tries to call you. Give him time alone to think about what he's lost. You'll have plenty of time to confront him later and give him a piece of your mind. For now, let him suffer knowing that he's been caught and can't lie his way out of it because you know better. And he'll want nothing more than to try to lie his way out of it.

 

I certainly hope you do know better...please don't let him bullsh*t you and talk you into staying with him. You have evidence, this is NOT a mistake, this is NOT an isolated incident, no "friend" was using his computer one day to solicit women on Craigs list, he wasn't accidentally replying to the wrong ad - he is going behind your back and soliciting other women.

 

Regardless of how he appeared and pretended to be for 4 years, these are his true colors and you deserve a lot better than a man you cannot trust and could potentially bring home STD's at any time. Do not give him a chance to gaslight you and make you question what you know. If you feel you might waver, print out those AIM's and his ad to remind you exactly what a lying liar who lies he is.

I agree with these two posts. Your guy reminds me of my ex-H, who portrayed himself as an outstanding guy who would never cheat. He turned out to be a serial cheater.
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InsatiableBri Member

InsatiableBri

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Instead I told him i needed to talk to him. When he came home however he hopped in the shower and then his friends began showing up....

 

He knows something is wrong

 

We have plans to talk either tonite or tomorrow nite...

 

I have no idea what to say....

 

I'm devastated.

 

His life has been really challenging with the sudden death of his father to having to live at home and support his family....

 

I thought my love and our relationship would have been a ray of sunshine for him...how could it have no value...how could I have no value?

 

He has had MAJOR issues with anyone that doesn't trust him completely...and I think what hurts me the most is when my intuition was telling me something wasn't right he made me second guess my gut feelings....I...Love him and I don't know how to have this conversation.

norajane Established Member

norajane

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Then don't have the conversation. Just walk away, go stay with your family or other friends. Don't talk to him until you know what to say.

 

And DO NOT consider any excuse as valid. It may sound callous, but a lot of people lose their parents and that doesn't cause them to go around cheating. DO NOT let him make you second guess this. You SAW the evidence.

 

He has major problems with people not trusting him...you know why? Because he's not trustworthy, and he's proven it to more people than just you. People not trusting him is just his actions catching up with him as people discover he's not trustworthy.

 

He was not thinking about you or how hurt you'd be when he was chatting it up with the girls from Craigslist. Don't feel sorry for him.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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before you talk then it might help to write out your feelings and the evidence in a journal.

 

take the info written and make a list you can read to him if you need something of a reference point.

 

he may get you all mixed around during the conversation in order to make you second guess yourself... it's designed that way on purpose... so the list will definitely help you be clear about what evidence you have and what you need to tell him.

 

be ready though, a liar and a manipulator will try to turn it all around on you to make it "appear" that they are the innocent party and you are the crazy one. expect the backlash... have the list ready for clarification and affirmation to keep a firm grasp on the outcome of the conversation.

motive2002 Established Member

motive2002

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Man, this is some really good advice here. I hope for your sake you follow up on it. It's fricken hard, but you can do it!!! Don't let him get a word in edgewise! If he had you second guessing your gut instinct before, he will take another shot at it if you have any sort of two-way convo.

Make it one-way. Leave a note, pack your things etc as mentioned in the other posts. Don't give him a chance to respond until you've had time to process.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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My Ex was the same; actually cried in my arms how his family had been destroyed by his cheating father and grand-father and how he would NEVER do that because of how it devastated him.

 

His excuse for cheating when I confronted him?

 

"Well, our relationship was basically over with any way..." Yeah, nice of you to TELL me you believed that before you cheated on me!

motive2002 Established Member

motive2002

Posted
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I believe that nothing, and I mean NOTHING justifies cheating. It's just an all around horrible thing to do to someone. It's not just the pecker being somewhere else, it's all the lying and deceitfulness that goes along with it. All very very bad :mad:

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InsatiableBri Member

InsatiableBri

Posted
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He came over...and I said

 

"Look I know 5 things for sure:

1. That I love you

2. That I am in love with you

3. That you have asked me to trust you completely...and I've done that

4. I'
m
terrified right now. I'
m
so
scared that this will be the last time we speak, and that last weekend was the last time we made love....kissed.

5. that I know you have been on CraigsList looking for anonymous sex....and I need you to tell me about that

 

and he said

 

 

  • after four years he should know that he loves me and he doesnt
  • his heart isn't in it
  • yes he tried but it never really happened
  • He's sorry and never meant to hurt me
  • he is sure i'll find someone better

 

I'm so sad. I can't breathe....but I can't beg for him to stay...

 

I needed him to say, "I'm sorry. what can I do...i'll do anything. I messed up" and he didn't say that.

 

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...I'm very broken right now

MissViolet Member

MissViolet

Posted
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I've been through a similar situation...I found emails, confronted him, he gave me excuses, I bought into it and believed him. Now as I'm here and looking back, I wish he had the guts to tell me the truth, and I wish I had the courage to let go and move on.

 

I know it hurts badly and it feels as if life/love is over. But it's not, you just need time! What I've learned over the years is that if a man "loves" or wants you enough, he'll make the effort - through hell or high water. You told him how you felt and he told you have he felt, believe him! If he says he doesn't love you, believe him! If you live with him, move out, stay with friends and family who will support you through all this.

 

You will make it through this!

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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As painful as this is for you, atleast he was honest and didn't make up a lie to justify his selfish actions. It's crappy that he waited this long and did what he did, he SHOULD have broken up with you, or atleast communicated how he was feeling, break up in a more honest way than for you to find out by catching him online..

 

Sorry you're hurting..Take it one day at a time, be around your family and close friends to help you through this and keep posting here.

MSUE Established Member

MSUE

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GOD bless your heart and be with you...I'm so sorry you are going trough such heartache and hurt...but what he did is wrong...seeking sex in crtaigslist while in a relationship with you its so wrong...you confronted him and what you heard wasn't what you wanted to hear but to know now its better than him stringign you along in a relationship in which he no longer has his heart...plus sex with strangers puts your health at risk...

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

Posted
Posted

I know this must be painful for you. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Your boyfriend has done one of two things:

 

1) He has decided now that he's busted to ditch the relationship.

 

Or

 

2) He is being honest with you.

 

I know this may be difficult to see now, and your boyfriend certainly hasn't gone about things in the right order, but this does allow you to go on and live your life in a manner and with other people that hold beliefs that are important to you. If you need to talk we're always here.

Teslacoil Established Member

Teslacoil

Posted
Posted
He came over...and I said

"Look I know 5 things for sure:

1. That I love you

2. That I am in love with you

3. That you have asked me to trust you completely...and I've done that

4. I'
m
terrified right now. I'
m
so
scared that this will be the last time we speak, and that last weekend was the last time we made love....kissed.

5. that I know you have been on CraigsList looking for anonymous sex....and I need you to tell me about that

 

and he said

 

 

  • after four years he should know that he loves me and he doesnt
  • his heart isn't in it
  • yes he tried but it never really happened
  • He's sorry and never meant to hurt me
  • he is sure i'll find someone better

 

I'm so sad. I can't breathe....but I can't beg for him to stay...

 

I needed him to say, "I'm sorry. what can I do...i'll do anything. I messed up" and he didn't say that.

 

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...I'm very broken right now

 

Wow, that's really rough. I don't envy the pain you're in right now.

 

But look at it this way. There's DEFINITELY a light at the end of the tunnel. You have closure. This guy was open with you, and told you straight up that he's just not in love with you and doesn't think he will be. Now you can start the healing process, and move on. You'll have a chance to find someone wonderful.

 

This guy gets points from me for being honest...

 

But he loses a lot more points for cheating on you, seeking anonymous sex (and possibly getting you infected with whatever his partners have), and taking 4 years to be honest with you about his feelings.

 

Good riddance. I know your emotions are tied up in him, but you'll be much better off without him in the long run.

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InsatiableBri Member

InsatiableBri

Posted
  • Author
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I still don't understand.

 

I just don't understand....

 

How am I going to get through each day?

True2form Member

True2form

Posted
Posted

You gotta just keep going. I know it hurts and it's never going to stop hurting somewhere deep down. The only comfort for the short term I can give you for now is give yourself two weeks. Hopefully at the end of this you will have stopped the incessant crying that will plague you for what seems like forever, everytime a thought about him pops into your head. Then this is when you can start looking up and trying to just get on with stuff. Gather your female friends together for support, as soon as possible, you have no idea how valuable they are right now, they will save your life through this.

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