loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 A player will have charm without much in the way of character. If you don't want a player then be on the look-out for someone with lots of character (and that can be pretty charming as well.) I don't think it's much more complicated than that. Thoughts?
Hkizzle Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 First of all define character........ A player by definition is someone that sleeps around with multiple people. So of course that lacks character (I'm guessing at your definition of character). But generally you can only find that out in hindsight. I can tell you though the two key skills of a good player: 1) Create attraction 2) Create comfort. In other words NOT be detected as a player. An obvious player is not a good player. I was about to start a thread about how to spot a player at the request of some of the ladies here. But it's long and I've had a few beers with friends so need to do it later.
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Funny you think I define lack of character as someone who sleeps around. Not what I was thinking actually. I'm not going to get into a debate with you about this but I will say that I believe not one woman here needs anyone to paint a picture for them of how to spot a player. All anyone needs is a strong sense of self and understanding of what they want and they will be fine. Any one of us can be tricked now and then but when you're strong within yourself you know it's the other person's issue and not yours. Lack of character? You can spot it in any of a thousand different ways depending on what your own values are.
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Oh wait, sorry, I misread. I thought you said lack of character meant sleeping around. You said that a player is someone who sleeps around. People don't lack character in just one area generally. If someone lacks character in one area they're going to show a lack of character in a number of other ways as well.
Hkizzle Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Oh wait, sorry, I misread. I thought you said lack of character meant sleeping around. You said that a player is someone who sleeps around. People don't lack character in just one area generally. If someone lacks character in one area they're going to show a lack of character in a number of other ways as well. Yeah no worries. Your answers are actually pretty good. 1) People that are more prone to feeling lonely or insecure rather than being happy just the way they are, are more prone to falling to players. That's because the player can then locate and cater to these vulnerabilities. 2) Yes, look for problems with their character. For example many players although fun to be with as friends have a serious selfish side. A person has to have a selfish streak to be a player. So that shows up in certain interactions, such as how they treat people that are unimportant to them.
pandagirl Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 To me, character is having personal integrity -- doing what's right, having values and morals, being considerate and thoughtful. However, a lot of people's value set may not match up with mine. Two players might get together and not blink at each others' behaviors or past history with relationships. This past guy I dated I still think isn't a bad guy. We just have completely different views on how to treat people. (Of course, I think I am right, and he is wrong!)
pandagirl Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 My question is: Does a "player" -- man or woman -- have to be conscious of their actions to be a player, meaning are they willingly being manipulative and toying with a person's feelings? In this sense, players are pretty much huge jerkwads. OR Can a "player" also be a person who is not cognizant of their actions? That it is their inherent make-up and personality that leads them to act in inconsiderate ways without thought or manipulation?
The Collector Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 A man who has options can be completely straight-forward with the women he's seeing, and make it clear he is not looking for commitment. Indeed the challenge is often irresistible to the woman who is used to getting what she wants, and if and when she fails to make him all hers, or the man loses interest (perhaps due to her attempts at manipulation on him), she may move into a love/hate pattern that means she will label him a jerk and a player to friends and emotional tampons. The guy may never have lied to her, manipulated her or been mean in anyway. Of course the bad reputation often leads to more interested women. Anyone who actually lies or deceives to get in someone's pant is a different story.
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 My question is: Does a "player" -- man or woman -- have to be conscious of their actions to be a player, meaning are they willingly being manipulative and toying with a person's feelings? In this sense, players are pretty much huge jerkwads. OR Can a "player" also be a person who is not cognizant of their actions? That it is their inherent make-up and personality that leads them to act in inconsiderate ways without thought or manipulation? Pandagirl, the person you describe in the second example would be considered pathological or a sociopath. A whole different issue. Someone you want to avoid at all costs.
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I have to inject some comments here. A player doesn't just sleep with multiple women concurrently. He does so without their knowledge or consent, whether he needs to directly lie or lie by omission and avoidance. You'll never be able to spot a good player at first meet and greet, since he'll vocally mirror your values. Only time tells and tell it will! Once he gets what he wants from you, he'll treat you like crap. For some players, a scalp means he gets laid. You'll even find players who try to get women invested in them, without necessarily the physical aspect. For other players, it's both getting laid and having someone invested in them. I do agree that not all players know they're one. Some just think they're looking for "Miss/Mister Right" and having fun on the way, which is where the selfishness previously mentioned, comes into play.
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Yeah no worries. Your answers are actually pretty good. 1) People that are more prone to feeling lonely or insecure rather than being happy just the way they are, are more prone to falling to players. That's because the player can then locate and cater to these vulnerabilities. 2) Yes, look for problems with their character. For example many players although fun to be with as friends have a serious selfish side. A person has to have a selfish streak to be a player. So that shows up in certain interactions, such as how they treat people that are unimportant to them. I agree with those two criteria. Well put.
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 You'll never be able to spot a good player at first meet and greet, since he'll vocally mirror your values. Only time tells and tell it will! Once he gets what he wants from you, he'll treat you like crap. For some players, a scalp means he gets laid. You'll even find players who try to get women invested in them, without necessarily the physical aspect. For other players, it's both getting laid and having someone invested in them. I think it takes time to really get to know someone. I also think that there will be signs pretty quickly when someone lacks character. What you say about getting the woman to invest emotionally is, I think, a big thing for some players. But I also think if a woman has a healthy self-esteem she will not need the validation, which is what I think players use to reel women in a lot of times.
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I think it takes time to really get to know someone. I also think that there will be signs pretty quickly when someone lacks character. What you say about getting the woman to invest emotionally is, I think, a big thing for some players. But I also think if a woman has a healthy self-esteem she will not need the validation, which is what I think players use to reel women in a lot of times.You'd be surprised. Some are really, really good at lying. Others actually convince themselves they have these moral values but when push comes to shove, aka crotch-thinking, moral values go out the window, to assauge ego. Players used to be a fun game for me as a younger person, in a catch and release program.
pandagirl Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Great. I was definitely either dating a player or a sociopath. Lovely. haha.
Hkizzle Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 My question is: Does a "player" -- man or woman -- have to be conscious of their actions to be a player, meaning are they willingly being manipulative and toying with a person's feelings? In this sense, players are pretty much huge jerkwads. OR Can a "player" also be a person who is not cognizant of their actions? That it is their inherent make-up and personality that leads them to act in inconsiderate ways without thought or manipulation? Just about all the players I know do not think they are players. They just think of themselves as regular guys that like girls. There are many mechanisms in human brains to deal with denial and guilt. I once joked to one of the guys at a dinner that he was a player and he flipped out, even though he was a blatant player, and it wasn't because he wanted to save face. In his own mind he really wasn't a player. Another player I know said that if girls come out to meet guys, they should know the deal....... What is of course not true, many guys and girls are relatively clueless about the thinking of the opposite sex, or the manipulative segments of the opposite sex. Panda girl, the guy you were seeing was a player, I told you that before, lol. It's just harder to see with attraction clouding the pic.
C-i-C-u Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Great. I was definitely either dating a player or a sociopath. Lovely. haha. sociopaths are rare, so it was a player.
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 sociopaths are rare, so it was a player.There's a sociopathic quality about players. The better the player, the more sociopathic.
pandagirl Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Just about all the players I know do not think they are players. They just think of themselves as regular guys that like girls. There are many mechanisms in human brains to deal with denial and guilt. I once joked to one of the guys at a dinner that he was a player and he flipped out, even though he was a blatant player, and it wasn't because he wanted to save face. In his own mind he really wasn't a player. Another player I know said that if girls come out to meet guys, they should know the deal....... What is of course not true, many guys and girls are relatively clueless about the thinking of the opposite sex, or the manipulative segments of the opposite sex. Panda girl, the guy you were seeing was a player, I told you that before, lol. It's just harder to see with attraction clouding the pic. haha. It's not that I don't believe he's a player. I just...have never come across one before. And I'm just sort of shocked that anyone would ever treat me -- let alone anyone -- this way. I have such a high-functioning conscious, that it's really hard for me to comprehend how these types of people think.
C-i-C-u Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 There's a sociopathic quality about players. The better the player, the more sociopathic. No, I'm sorry that is incorrect. Most sociopaths are not thinking about women, to have sex with. Most players think about scoring with a women. A sociopath is in it for the fun of manipulating her and her friends, or just to cause general harm without the need for glamour like players.
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 There's a sociopathic quality about players. The better the player, the more sociopathic. That's incredibly interesting and relevant I think. Because as I understand it the real distinguisher for someone being a sociopath is a lack of a conscience or remorse for their actions. Makes sense.
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 No, I'm sorry that is incorrect. Most sociopaths are not thinking about women, to have sex with. Most players think about scoring with a women. A sociopath is in it for the fun of manipulating her and her friends, or just to cause general harm without the need for glamour like players.Eh? Please expand on this theory. How many players do you know that are solely in it to get laid? It's a combination of the hunt and the score, not just the score. The hunt is about power, control and beating the odds. The score is sweet victory. Also, don't tell me there's no ego-stroke, when juggling multiple women who don't know about each other? So, with the above, if you consider how players lie and manipulate, what part isn't sociopathic?
Author loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 haha. It's not that I don't believe he's a player. I just...have never come across one before. And I'm just sort of shocked that anyone would ever treat me -- let alone anyone -- this way. I have such a high-functioning conscious, that it's really hard for me to comprehend how these types of people think. Pandagirl, I recently discovered that I was played bigtime by someone I thought was my friend. It took about three layers of discovery about what happened (new info emerging) before I accepted that he is, indeed, a complete jerk. For this very reason - I kept expecting him to own up to his actions and never fathomed he wouldn't. I was quite a harsh reality.
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 That's incredibly interesting and relevant I think. Because as I understand it the real distinguisher for someone being a sociopath is a lack of a conscience or remorse for their actions. Makes sense.This could be said about most people, to a degree, so maybe we need to clarify it a bit more, at least from the perspective of players. If your behaviour is dysfunctional, in that lying or lying by omission, to get your way with men/women, with no remorse about causing them serious harm, then yes, I agree.
Hkizzle Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Eh? Please expand on this theory. How many players do you know that are solely in it to get laid? It's a combination of the hunt and the score, not just the score. The hunt is about power, control and beating the odds. The score is sweet victory. Also, don't tell me there's no ego-stroke, when juggling multiple women who don't know about each other? So, with the above, if you consider how players lie and manipulate, what part isn't sociopathic? Many players lie and manipulate without even knowing they are doing it. Sociopaths know they are doing it and still do it. Read my post, it's quite clear about how most players don't realize they are.
C-i-C-u Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Eh? Please expand on this theory. How many players do you know that are solely in it to get laid? It's a combination of the hunt and the score, not just the score. The hunt is about power, control and beating the odds. The score is sweet victory. Also, don't tell me there's no ego-stroke, when juggling multiple women who don't know about each other? So, with the above, if you consider how players lie and manipulate, what part isn't sociopathic? Right, but for a socipath it is so much more. It is about continueing the victory, even after it has been won. It is about manipulation to the point where the women is no longer the same person, to her friends or families that she was, as before she met the sociopath. I know two people, one is a player. Very laid back fellow, women love his "depth" and good looks. He does no harm by just having sex with women because in the end the women will move on to finding a decent guy. This other "man" and I use that term loosely. Is a sociopath. Why? He slept with women in the beginning to just impregnate them and spread his seed. Once time this girl he impregnated came back to tell him the news. He beat the **** out of her and she left to have the child without ever telling him about the birth of his son. He has been in a relationship with my friend's sister for the past three years. And you can tell how she changes persona when he is around. Everyone does, nobody likes him, but she is still dating him because he is holding her on a tight leash. He tells her to cook, she does it. He tells her to drive to his place so that they can spend the weekend together, she does it. And if she doesn't, he will beat her. I had to stop him from beating her in front of her youger siblings. But he did punch her in the head that you could see the jaw move. And she went smack into the ground. Do you see the differences?
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