divalasvegas Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 My boyfriend of 2 years just moved in with me. We have known each other for several years and dated once over 12 years ago. We broke up back then because I wanted kids and he did not. We have stayed friends over the years, and as it turns out I never had kids anyway. During that time I married a great guy and had a wonderful marriage that ended when he suddenly passed away from cancer at the young age of 36. I gave myself time to heal and a few years later I cautiously forayed (kicking and screaming actually) back into dating. After some mishaps and some real relationship doozies I gave my ex, who had never stopped loving me, a second chance. We slowly fell back in love, and It was great for a while and felt just right, but now that he has moved in there is one issue that is really worrying me. I feel that we are intellectually incompatible and I get bored with our conversations and activities. This was not as apparent when we lived apart and were busy planning our next steps in our relationship , but now we basically talk about his handy man projects or his work and NOTHING else. He is not dumb by any stretch and he is a good guy. However, I am interested in so many things beyond what we did that day and his eyes just glaze over when I talk about art, history science, politics, or anything cultural or cerebral. Years ago I suppose the dynamic between us was the same, but somehow I don't remember it that way, perhaps because I was younger and more willing to mold my personality and ignore certain needs and red flags. I am trying not to make that mistake again. So here is a little background: I am world traveled, multilingual, and have and Ivy league education. He has never been out of the country and doesn't know much about other cultures or history. He also graduated college but hated school, while I on the other hand loved it. My family was in the diplomatic core and traveled in "high society" international circles while his family was blue collar USA all the way. On paper this may sound like a train wreck, but the fact is most of the men I have dated in the past have his exact same background, but they engaged my brain and knew about a variety of subjects and cultures. I am not a snob by any means, and I have friends from all walks of life and all education and socio-economic levels, but I know that being able to converse is so important to a relationship. My late husband had a similar background to my current boyfriend (though he did travel while in the military) so it is not a money thing ... it is just a brain thing. For me compatibility always been centered around the question of values ... hard work, honesty, love of country (I am very patriotic), and good treatment of others, etc. For a while I tried to just fill this need to converse by getting that fix from friends, but I am becoming increasingly convinced that this discrepancy between us spells trouble own the road. In a group of my friends he will literally says nothing in a conversation. Not one word ... and yes we give him a chance to speak. He offers no opinion or feedback about anything without pulling teeth, unless it relates to the day's activities. That was great when we were dating and dealing with the excitement and busy day to day stuff that comes with starting a new relationship. Now I am falling asleep from the lack of brain stimulation and passion. I kept thinking that we were just "busy" and that once he moved in we would start engaging each other in other ways ... dumb and stupid I know, so please don't reiterate that to me!! Alas, here I am and I am trying to salvage what I can. Here is what I a trying to do. I am trying to find ways to work this out in a respectful and honest fashion. I am trying to find effective ways to communicate how I feel, and to come up with ideas on how to work on this issue, without sounding judgmental or superior, because I do not FEEL superior .. just different. There is so much that is right about this relationship, (stability, fidelity, kindness) and people often throw in the towel before they even try to see what can be salvaged. I am looking for some ideas I may not have thought of. What I don't want is to spend the rest of my life trying to put a square peg in a round hole ... I don't want to punish him by trying to make him someone he is not. I am just trying to honestly assess whether this will work. I would love some opinions from people who have found solutions and I guess I should brace myself for those who want to yell at me too. Thanks for reading such a long post, and sorry for the crappy grammar .... I am just writing fast and trying to gain perspective.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I honestly do not think this is something you can change in somebody. So if this kind of conversation is important to you, then I think you're going to have to settle for getting it from friends. I didn't realize there were people in the world that just completely lacked curiosity about the world around them. But my xbf is one of them and your BF sounds like one of them. Even if I knew nothing about the subject you were discussing, I'd be rapt just listening to you, probably asking questions. My xbf lives a very simple life in a VERY rural area and yet I had about 50 billion questions for him about why he does this, or why he does that, what's that, how does this work...etc. It annoyed him. I only asked because I was truly curious. Curiosity isn't something you can MAKE somebody gain. He's not going to have the same hunger for learning that you do. You're just not going to get the intellectual stimulation out of this relationship that you crave. I was starting to realize that with my xbf and it was one of the MANY reasons I saw that we didn't belong together. I'm not saying you two have to break up...I just say don't fall in love with a man's potential - if he doesn't have something you're wanting, don't fall in love with who he COULD become...that never works.
HsMomma Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 OP, I have to wonder whether you truly are a bit of a snob...you say you're not, but reading your post leads me to believe otherwise. Also (because I'm the grammar/spelling/written word nazi I am), it's Diplomatic Corps, not Core. (Sorry, had to do that ) I don't mean to be extraordinarily harsh here, but it seems to me that you would've noticed the lack of compatible communication styles before now. I realize you addressed that partially when you spoke of the newness of the relationship. But, I don't believe you really examined this prior to his moving in. Differences in intellectual compatibility are, by their very nature, not something that can be 'overcome.' My level of education, my ability to articulate my thoughts/feelings are not necessarily comparable to my husband's. While I'm both "book smart" and knowledgeable about the world, cultural/sociological information, etc., my husband is not that way. He, however, is brilliant in other ways. We both were raised blue collar, and my education was atypical for the way my life began. However, I am able to appreciate and embrace the differences between my husband and me. I think that, partially, it's because he does ask questions. When we're discussing something & he doesn't understand either the verbiage or other particulars, he's not hesitant to tell me he doesn't understand and to ask for an explanation. It doesn't sound as if this is what's going on in your relationship. If his lack of intellectual curiosity is an obstacle you don't feel you can overcome or adapt to, it's only fair to both of you to end the relationship now before either of you invests any more energy/time/commitment. He sounds more like a safety net to you than a true partner, and if that's the case, that is really unfair to him. Truly, I'm not putting you down. I grew up in the South where, at that time anyway, women were supposed to be pretty, not smart, so I spent a lot of my younger years "dumbing myself down." It took a lot of growing up for me to realize I wasn't being true to myself by doing that, and I now refuse to pretend to be something other than I am. I think you need to take a step back & reevaluate exactly what you're looking for in a man...if your bf doesn't match this, it seems to me you're both better off as friends, living apart. Just my two cents' worth. I wish you the best and am so sorry for the loss of your husband.
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I think you need to take a step back & reevaluate exactly what you're looking for in a man...if your bf doesn't match this, it seems to me you're both better off as friends, living apart. I agree with this. The balance is, why are you more attracted to men who have a different background than you, when you appear to value your background? IMO, this can only create neverending conflict, no?
HsMomma Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I agree with this. The balance is, why are you more attracted to men who have a different background than you, when you appear to value your background? IMO, this can only create neverending conflict, no? Precisely.
GoodOnPaper Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 So here is a little background: I am world traveled, multilingual, and have and Ivy league education. He has never been out of the country and doesn't know much about other cultures or history. He also graduated college but hated school, while I on the other hand loved it. My family was in the diplomatic core and traveled in "high society" international circles while his family was blue collar USA all the way. On paper this may sound like a train wreck, but the fact is most of the men I have dated in the past have his exact same background, but they engaged my brain and knew about a variety of subjects and cultures. I am not a snob by any means, and I have friends from all walks of life and all education and socio-economic levels, but I know that being able to converse is so important to a relationship. My late husband had a similar background to my current boyfriend (though he did travel while in the military) so it is not a money thing ... it is just a brain thing. It sounds like when it comes to men, you view brains and testosterone as mutually exclusive. Unfortunate. Like TBF said, there is a big disconnect between what you are attracted to and what you are compatible with -- that strikes me as the primary issue.
CarrieT Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 OP, I have to wonder whether you truly are a bit of a snob...you say you're not, but reading your post leads me to believe otherwise. This is a curious point for me. If men have specific requirements about not wanting "fatties," does that make them a snob? Or white men who will only date Asian women? Or women who only want men that are taller than 5'10", etc... At what point does having personal criteria change one from being discriminating or particular to being a snob? I'm not ragging on you, HsMomma -- I am curious about a dialogue involving one's personal needs; be it physical, emotional, or intellectual. Perhaps the word "snob" is the problem as it denotes one who "is condescending toward or disdainful of those who hold other opinions or have different tastes." I feel very much like the OP in that I have found so few men with whom I can have in depth, intelligent conversations. I don't believe I condescend towards them, but I DO get bored. Just expanding upon a thought as I am in the conundrum of not finding guys to date...
HsMomma Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 This is a curious point for me. If men have specific requirements about not wanting "fatties," does that make them a snob? Or white men who will only date Asian women? Or women who only want men that are taller than 5'10", etc... At what point does having personal criteria change one from being discriminating or particular to being a snob? I'm not ragging on you, HsMomma -- I am curious about a dialogue involving one's personal needs; be it physical, emotional, or intellectual. Perhaps the word "snob" is the problem as it denotes one who "is condescending toward or disdainful of those who hold other opinions or have different tastes." I feel very much like the OP in that I have found so few men with whom I can have in depth, intelligent conversations. I don't believe I condescend towards them, but I DO get bored. Just expanding upon a thought as I am in the conundrum of not finding guys to date... Not to worry, CarrieT, I can handle answering your post - I don't feel "ragged on." In my view, personal criteria is one thing. So you (not you specifically, just "you" in the generic sense) personally prefer someone who, for example, is: bright intellectually curious handsome (in your estimation) over 6' tall etc. These are your preferences, and you are most certainly entitled to have them. Where the snob part comes in for me is that the OP said this in the original post: "I am world traveled, multilingual, and have and Ivy league education. He has never been out of the country and doesn't know much about other cultures or history. He also graduated college but hated school, while I on the other hand loved it. My family was in the diplomatic core and traveled in "high society" international circles while his family was blue collar USA all the way." Those aren't preferences or criteria; they are instead merely unflattering (to the bf) comparisons in which she obviously finds him lacking. As for your definition of the word snob, here's the part that made me question whether the word is applicable: "Now I am falling asleep from the lack of brain stimulation and passion." Does that not strike you as disdainful? It did me. Incompatibility can and does happen on a variety of levels, but from what she said, he has steadfastly remained who he's been all along...I find it hard to believe that she thought he would be able to satisfy her "discriminating tastes" since she's known him so many years. Just seems to me if you've been dating someone 2 years, you'd know if you were compatible long before the moving-in stage.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Diva, whether these feelings are right or wrong based on someone else's criteria, they're still your feelings. And given their potential to cause problems, my advice would be simply that you'd be better off with someone who's interests more closely parralled yours. Love, excitement and passion are all important, but long-term relationships are based on friendship, respect and mutual interests. Based on your desription, might be an uphill battle... Mr. Lucky
SunRays20 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 He has a college degree, but, yet he doesn't have any opinion about politics, religion, social issues, etc.? What does he do for living? What do you do for living? Is there a huge diffenrence in income between you two and do you see that as an issue as well? Let me ask you this, do you rather have someone who disagrees with you (in regards to religion, political views, etc.) or would you rather have someone who has no opinion?
stillafool Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 In a group of my friends he will literally says nothing in a conversation. Not one word ... and yes we give him a chance to speak. He offers no opinion or feedback about anything without pulling teeth, unless it relates to the day's activities. Maybe he finds you and your friends' conversations boring and uninteresting. What I don't want is to spend the rest of my life trying to put a square peg in a round hole ... I don't want to punish him by trying to make him someone he is not. I am just trying to honestly assess whether this will work. I would love some opinions from people who have found solutions and I guess I should brace myself for those who want to yell at me too. I say let him go and find yourself someone with the same background as yourself so you will be happy. You are going to always think you are better than him and he deserves someone who will love him for who he is (conversation and all). I never will understand why people with your background date out of their class and then complain about it. Stay on your side of the track and be happy.
SunRays20 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I say let him go and find yourself someone with the same background as yourself so you will be happy. You are going to always think you are better than him and he deserves someone who will love him for who he is (conversation and all). I never will understand why people with your background date out of their class and then complain about it. Stay on your side of the track and be happy. Meauww..Grrrr...
utterer of lies Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Leave him - you owe that to yourself. From what you write, the difference in ambition, intelligence and 'curiosity about the world' is too big, you'll always feel that something is missing. I am quite elitist in this, but my experiences dating girls who never even went to a university just didn't work out in the longer term. No matter how great the sex is, its just so f*cking boring. Mutual intellectual stimulation is a very important part of any serious relationship.
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