Need some perspective

[lookingfwd]

I have been lurking for a few weeks, so I have an idea what I need to do, but I guess I am feeling a bit vulnerable tonight and need to get the story off my chest and obtain some resolve... so here it goes.

 

My relationship prior to this one was quite traumatic. To make a long story short, that ex (B) was a cheater. He added girls on myspace that he insisted were just friends while he was secretly asking them out on dates. He was also sexually unfaithful to me (once according to him, but now I think it was probably more than that). I didn't know about the infidelity for months, until one day he confessed and begged for a chance. I tried, never having experienced a cheater before. But I knew in my heart it would never work out because I could not trust him. We broke up for good four months after that.

I was very glad when that relationship was over, and the breakup itself was pretty easy for me. In my heart & head I knew it was over. I was not looking to date at all when I met my now-ex (let's call him T) two months later. We had unbelievable chemistry and although I thought it was rather soon, I took the plunge and entered a relationship with him. No regrets...our relationship was great in every sense. We got along great, lots in common, family/friends love us, similar goals, values, beliefs, etc.

Fast forward a year...the honeymoon phase wore off and arguments started. I have to admit that most of them stemmed from my being insecure of other women. I had never been as jealous or mistrusting, but for some reason every time I saw a girl pop up on T's myspace/facebook, or heard him speak fondly of any female friend/coworker, I would get leery and ask him a million questions. I tried to control who he befriended on those websites, and freaked out about his female friends (one in particular who is a little too affectionate in her emails/facebook posts). He tried to be understanding at first, and never once talked to any of his ex-gfs, declined facebook requests from one, and did not see this friend I was insecure about.

 

We continued to argue about the same issues for ~ six months. It became too much for him to handle. He once told me that all of our problems had to do with my insecurities and that I needed to trust him and accept him for who he was, and that I could not dictate who he spoke to or who he was friends with. He is extremely loyal and honorable, but honestly after my last relationship I could not fully trust anyone. T not once gave me reason to doubt him, and deep in my heart I know he would not ever betray me. Even though I know this, I could not help questioning him.

He broke up with me suddenly after a silly fight that was irrelevant to our real issues. He later told me he needed some time to think about our future. Our relationship was getting very serious. Two days before that fight he had asked me about engagement rings, and we had been looking at houses together the last few months. He went so far as to tell me I could start pre-planning for a wedding (estimating how many people we wanted to invite, how much it would cost, etc.).

After we broke up, we hardly talked. I gave him the space he asked for, and after a few weeks he asked to get together to talk. He said he wanted to try and work things out, but that he didn't want to fight anymore. He said he wanted to take things slowly and see each other only a couple times a week. I didn't like that idea after having been with him pretty much every night the last two years. I wanted things to go back the way they were. I asked him if we would be bf/gf and he said probably. I said if it was going to be like that, I wanted the opportunity to see other people. He was hurt that I even suggested such a thing. We were going back and forth about that, then the topic of other women came up and he admitted that earlier that day he had seen that one female friend I had a huge problem with (he never saw her throughout our entire relationship, although he fundamentally disagreed with that). We ended up getting into a fight about her and he left upset.

A week went by and I emailed him asking him what was going on, asking if he wanted to still work things out. He replied that he really had come over wanting to work things out but then we had that fight and our fighting was too much for him. I told him I realized I had issues with trust left from my last relationship and asked him if he would reconsider after a couple of months if I went to therapy. He replied saying he would think about it and the reason he hadn't suggested that was because he thought I wouldn't even consider it, since I didn't even want to consider taking a step back. He told me he loved me, etc. etc.

 

I was fine with that response. Although he didn't say yes, I knew that he was considering it, otherwise he would have said no. That is just the type of person he is. So here I am, starting therapy and realizing for the first time how I never dealt with the drama with B and how insecure it made me. Four weeks go by and I'm hosting a party for a mutual friend (T & I are both in our 30s). He was invited, but was undecided about coming. Minutes before the party, he emails me: "thanks for the invite but I am not comfortable coming. Now that we are not together, I need to work towards closure and tonight would not be a good idea. I think me going would send you the wrong signal and I don't want to do that. I hope you understand.".

 

This email was devastating, as it mentions the word 'closure'. I cannot get that out of my head. Every day I wonder if this means he has given up on even trying. We had very little contact before that email, but after it, I have committed to NC. That was three weeks ago. Since then, he has emailed me three times, all about irrelevant little things relating to our pets. A week ago a mutual friend asked him what was going on, and he said to her that we would see in a couple of months. Yet, he never really said that to me. As a matter of fact the only thing he has actually said is what was on his last email.

I am utterly confused. His closure comment is contradictory to what he told our friend. I know he would not lie to this friend, but he might very well just be confused. I do know this breakup has been extremely devastating for both of us.

At this point it has been seven weeks since I started therapy. It is going well, but I am not yet ready to approach us. I realize I have a lot of work to do to get past all the hurt and mistrust in me and need at least another month before even considering our relationship. I want to do this right. However, I now have doubts that I should even have any hope for us, although I know for a fact he is not remotely interested in dating anyone else. This, however, does not mean he wants to try again with me. He is the type of person who would rather be alone the rest of his life rather than feel he is settling.

 

I appreciate any feedback. I guess I just don't know if I should start trying to let him go & give up all hope of a reconciliation. Regardless, I know I have work to do on me, and know that if I don't deal with this, it will haunt my next relationship. But I really don't want to lose this guy. We did have a great thing going. Thanks for reading.

[Ronni_W]

Have you considered just ASKING him what he meant?

In context, he simply does not know if/when you will achieve your therapy goals to conquer your jealousy/distrust, and he has a self-obligation to make plans in case there is no reconciliation.

 

This would be especially true if you had not thought to update him about whatever progress you are making in therapy -- kind of, why would he put himself in a position of maybe backsliding and/or giving you a "wrong signal"?

 

His email sounds kind and compassionate...taking into consideration his own needs and communicating those to you clearly and gently.

 

Doesn't mean that he did NOT mean it in the way that you're interpreting, but there is room for the possibility that "closure" was the best word to communicate his feelings and thoughts. (I'm getting loud and clear that he is not prepared to come back without you overcoming your jealousy/trust issues -- and I can't think of another word that would have conveyed that as clearly and concisely.)

 

But really. The only way you're going to find out for sure what he meant is to ask him directly.

 

Hugs, and good luck in therapy!

[lookingfwd]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I was planning on asking him directly, but after this wkd I don't know how. I saw him briefly Sunday and casually asked abt his bday Wed (see my new post) and if he wanted to have dinner, and he said he'd get back to me. Turns out he can't for legitimate reasons and now I don't know whether to let some more time pass or ask him for dinner another night. I wish we were able to talk to one another but we are both afraid, and holding back. I'm afraid that he is not ready and any precipitous action on my part will be counter-productive to our reconciliation. Is two months too soon?

[boogieboy]

You really shouldnt be seeing anyone until you are confident enough in yourself to not be so jealous. Your last relationship has screwed you up, and youre going to continue to carry this to everyone because you think you cant hold the attention of anyone who speaks highly about any other woman. You really have to work on being happy with who you are so that you dont have to ask the jealousy questions, and go lurking on your guys myspaces pages. You should face THAT before going anywhere with anyone.

[lookingfwd]

I agree, and I have been working diligently on that. I never did deal with all the insecurities that my last relationship brought, and I've been doing nothing but soul searching the last three months and therapy the last eight weeks. I really do feel better about myself, stronger, and understand the self-defeating behavior in being jealous. I know that no matter who I'm with, I should be confident enough to not lose sleep over any other female. I never want this to jeopardize my own happiness again.

At the same time I don't want to lose this guy. I have been giving us a lot of space but I'd like to reconnect with him. I am not sure if he's ready, or if he has lost hope. I don't know how to ask him and definitely don't want to ruin it by rushing things.