1st post... why am I doing this to myself?!?!

[itsjustme525]

I'm so pissed at myself. I was in a rollercoaster relationship for 3-1/2 years and accomplished nothing. I'm better off without him. SO WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP TORTURING MYSELF?! Bear with me for a few minutes while I get this off my chest and maybe you will understand the insanity of it.

 

He's almost 30, still living at home, working only parttime, doesn't help around his parents' house, short-tempered, aggressive, doesn't take responsibility for his own actions, distrusting, childish. He was never comfortable around my family the FEW times he was ever around them, he avoids his own family for the most part, he's disrespectful to his parents if there is ever a disagreement, he's dismissive and rude to his brother who is 10 years younger (and scared of him), he didn't like many of my friends and we never hung out with the few friends he has. He's called me every name in the book when he's mad, shoved me, grabbed my arms, spit in my face, he kicked a dent into the side of my car, never fixed it and denies he did it, he picked up my couch, dropped the end on my coffee table, shattering the glass and again, never fixed it and denies he did it.

 

Anytime we ever talked about his temper, his response was that it's everyone ELSE'S responsibility to NOT piss him off. HE wouldn't get mad if EVERYONE ELSE didn't piss him off. In his mind, if you feel you've been wronged or disrespected, you're a pussy if you don't put the beat down on someone. He considers it an act of cowardice if you don't get in someone's face.

 

He gave me a necklace from Tiffany's for Christmas two years ago (and I'm 99% sure his father actually paid for it) but after the last time we broke up, he demanded it back as though it was some kind of engagement ring.

 

I could go on and on. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Sad, really. I get upset just typing it. I am sooooo much better off without him.

 

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

 

What does my dumbass do? Miss him. When times were bad, they were really, really bad but when times were good, they were intoxicating.

 

It must be purely physical, sexual. The sex was outstanding. Beyond words. He's very much in shape and fits the body-style of the type of men I'm attracted to. I can close my eyes and remember the smell of his skin, the flash of his gorgeous smile, the broadness of his shoulders, the way we kissed... and I'm sick with grief all over again, have bouts of uncontrollable crying and think irrational thoughts about "maybe one more time and we can get it right."

 

Is it obsession?? Addiction?? WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!?! I'm educated, attractive, outgoing, intelligent and I have a great career... but 3-1/2 years of up and down, in and out and I can't get clear of him. WTF?!?!?!

[confusedcookie]

Hey,

 

Sorry to hear, my relationship seems a little similar with the up and down rollercoaster thing... i never wanted to be those break up to make up couples, but we turned into one. ours was never as extreme as yours, he never did anything bad like that to me.

 

its been about the 6th break up and make up for me and after talking to my friend for 3 hours, i just realize, there's not just one guy out there for you, there's no soul mate.

 

common interests may have brought you together, and you remember all the good times, but if your values, and morals are different, it will never happen.

 

you miss him, i know, alot, i know, same thing with me and my ex. but i learned that if you keep doing this to yourself, and if you marry this guy, are you going to have a happy future? i mean, if you guys tried your very hardest once, and twice, what makes you think that the 3rd or 4th time will be any different?

 

i always thought that no one would ever do the guys my ex did, 2 hr massages, peeling and cutting up my shrimp and fruit, but then again my friend reminded me that these are comfort things, once you meet another guy, all you have to do is tell them what you like, and they can do all these things for you too.

 

i believe it is the first phase that that is hard to get over, i'm there too... but i finally finally realized that he is not the right guy for me, and neither is your ex.

[moo]

I think that you probably glorify the goodtimes. In my experience when there are so many bad times, the good times seem much more good than they really are.

 

He sounds like a monster. He is a VERY troubled person and needs help, but from a professional. You have to stay away from him.

 

You need to get some physical and emotional distance from this relationship and you will be able to look at it more objectively...but that comes with time.

 

I am sorry you went through so much.

[itsjustme525]

 

i always thought that no one would ever do the guys my ex did, 2 hr massages, peeling and cutting up my shrimp and fruit, but then again my friend reminded me that these are comfort things, once you meet another guy, all you have to do is tell them what you like, and they can do all these things for you too.

 

i believe it is the first phase that that is hard to get over, i'm there too... but i finally finally realized that he is not the right guy for me, and neither is your ex.

 

"Comfort things..." I never thought of it that way. Thank you for the new perspective.

 

I'm trying to keep busy but still catch myself daydreaming about him and that ache deep in my core starts to become more noticeable. Unfortunately, the first phase of the break up for HIM is texting me, highlighting what he believes are all of MY negative qualities (nice, I know) and how he's going to make plans to hook up with someone.

 

I know his game. He wants me to fall apart and tell him how the thought of him with another woman makes me physically ill. Yeah, I've fallen for it before, it does make me want to puke BUT I am totally ignoring his text messages. I replied this morning and said "I'm not reading or responding to anymore of your msgs. Please stop." He's still blowing up my phone. He's actually at a bar right now and texting me about the waitresses that supposedly want to go out with him. Games. He loves to play games.

 

I know he's not right for me. I have to stay away from him. No texting. No email. No "one last meeting."

 

Does your ex do anything similar?? How are you getting through this without melting down??

[itsjustme525]

I think that you probably glorify the goodtimes. In my experience when there are so many bad times, the good times seem much more good than they really are.

 

He sounds like a monster. He is a VERY troubled person and needs help, but from a professional. You have to stay away from him.

 

You need to get some physical and emotional distance from this relationship and you will be able to look at it more objectively...but that comes with time.

 

I am sorry you went through so much.

 

I'm sorry too but it's my own doing. I really believed that because I had a lot of patience and love for him, I could inspire or encourage him to move out, decide on a career path and start following it, control his temper, etc. He definitely needs help but he has to be the one to make the decision to go. His parents have tried to speak with him about seeing a therapist... his response is usually that it's everyone ELSE'S problem, NOT his. I really don't know what he's so damn angry about.

 

Obviously he needs to take responsibility for himself but I resent his parents, too. They allow him to come and go as he pleases without any responsibilities... no rent, no chores, no expectations. He punched a hole in his brother's bedroom door and his father told him to replace the door. He never did and his father never brought it up again. Shame on both of them, IMO. He should WANT to replace the door for his parents and his father should have made sure it happened.

 

He is still insisting that I return the necklace and as petty as I think he's being, I may end up mailing it to him. That will be one less thing he can use as an excuse to contact me.

[itsjustme525]

Yep. He's ****faced. Now he's texting me that he's going to take all the sexy pics he has of me and post them online. Sweet.

[itsjustme525]

4 hours of sleep. Woke up feeling shaky and sick to my stomach. Looks like he called several times but I don't have any voicemail, just three more text msgs. He's getting madder (and meaner) by the minute because I haven't replied at all. I need to put my phone on 'silent' - I jump every time it rings.

 

I keep telling myself that I have to do this. It's for the best. I'm practically chanting it like a mantra. Ugh.

 

I'm getting dressed and going to the gym. I feel like I could run for at least 50 miles.

[mickleb]

I think that you probably glorify the goodtimes. In my experience when there are so many bad times, the good times seem much more good than they really are.

 

He sounds like a monster. He is a VERY troubled person and needs help, but from a professional. You have to stay away from him.

 

You need to get some physical and emotional distance from this relationship and you will be able to look at it more objectively...but that comes with time.

 

I am sorry you went through so much.

 

You ARE glorifying the good times. You've been through such hell with this guy, your brain is trying to JUSTIFY all the agony and wasted love. That's normal. Most of us will do it.

 

But this will end and all you will be left with is the realisation that you could never help him. You are the last person who can do that. And maybe a scrap of pity.

 

I went out with someone like this. He was actually a bit more aggressive. My self-esteem was low at the time, looking back, that was clear.

 

Here is what you do:

 

You keep the necklace and tell him to sue you if he wants it back. Then sell it, if you don't want it. I'm not a materialistic person but I KNOW you deserve it.

 

You delete his number and block it if that's possible, or consider getting a new number.

 

You do not speak to him - blank him if he approaches you and contact the police if he bugs you.

 

You heal. This WILL take time but you NEED to start doing this NOW.

 

You learn that you will NEVER accept any ONE of the things he did in any other relationship you're in. He is your new standard of LOW. You are now a changed person and you will NEVER go back there.

 

You have been strong in recognising that you need him out of your life. Now move as far (emotionally and mentally) away from him as possible.

 

You can do this. I know it.

 

Take care. x

[moo]

Hey there. Sounds like you need to change your number, get a new sim card or do whatever you have to do so he can't text or call you.

 

Sounds like his parents are not setting boundries for him. Perhaps he grew up that way.

 

He is a very sick individual. I feel sorry for him because he has no insight to his behavior and will always lead a life of chaos and cause misery to others.

 

How many times did I set out to help those who were selfish and rude because I wanted to help soften them, their parents never told them they loved them, etc. I thought my love could change them.

 

I think it's almost impossible. You have to want to be with them and accept them for the person they are, not what they could be...and right now, this person is unacceptable.

 

I'm tired of trying to change selfish men with kindness...their selfishness, their stupidity, their problem....next time I leave when their unhealthy behaviors start to emerge...next time I leave early on and don't look back.

 

The think is, I think you should seek counselor because you were in a very dangerous, degrading, and disrpectful relationship, but you stayed. You have to work on yourself so you never put up with this behavior again.

[moo]

I actually think you should mail the necklace back to him. Yes, you DO deserve to keep it, but it's adding to one of the reasons why he is contacting you. Mail the necklace back and be done with it. Cut that last tie to him.

 

Then go out an buy yourself a necklace.

[wow123]

I really don't think you should give the necklace back. It was a gift. It's yours to keep. Eventually the calls and texts will stop as long as you completely ignore them.

[RedDevil66]

odd question but when you say he's very much in shape, is he a bodybuilder?

 

My relationship now is also a MAJOR rollercoaster ride. My BF is not hurtful in the ways your ex is, but we have such extremes.

You are not crazy or addicted, what you are is a codependent. googe it. I've been one my entire life.

[RedDevil66]

and keep the necklace, it's yours. You earned it after taking all his abuse!

[lorilynne]

Hang in there girl! I am EXACTLY where you are! In love with the biggest jerk in the world!

The gym is an excellent way to get those frustrations out! Keep it up. Maintain NC (no contact). He sounds like as a**. We should really compare notes!

Check in again soon so we can see how you are.

I feel your pain on the 4 hours of sleep. I racked up about that much last night, too.

[itsjustme525]

odd question but when you say he's very much in shape, is he a bodybuilder?

 

My relationship now is also a MAJOR rollercoaster ride. My BF is not hurtful in the ways your ex is, but we have such extremes.

You are not crazy or addicted, what you are is a codependent. googe it. I've been one my entire life.

 

He's not really a body builder, he's more about endurance training. He's done karate, jujitsu, boxing, etc. He was doing MMA-type training before MMA really took off. He's solid as a rock but not a big meaty body-builder.

 

I asked him if he has ever done steroids but he insists that he never has. I thought maybe that would account for his mood swings and aggression but he seems to naturally be that way. Maybe the problem is a slight chemical imbalance or maybe he's grown up with no boundaries... he doesn't see doctors, so who will ever know?

 

Are you happy in your relationship? You're still together, right?

[DSM2709]

Hey Itsjustme, me and you should get together...LOL. I think I'm obsessing over my ex gf. You should read my story, I just put up, it's titled "What was I thinking"...maybe we can chat!!

[itsjustme525]

Hang in there girl! I am EXACTLY where you are! In love with the biggest jerk in the world!

The gym is an excellent way to get those frustrations out! Keep it up. Maintain NC (no contact). He sounds like as a**. We should really compare notes!

Check in again soon so we can see how you are.

I feel your pain on the 4 hours of sleep. I racked up about that much last night, too.

 

I'm hanging!! I managed to keep myself busy today with the gym, errands, chores... deleting texts messages took up a pretty good part of the day as well. LOL Now that the day is ending, it seems like I'm really putting a lot of effort into resisting the urge to respond to his msgs.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how he can be soooooo incredibly mean and vindictive in his msgs but then later he doesn't even acknowledge that he sent any msgs at all.

 

BTW, one of my friends is taking a very aggressive self-defense class and she loves it. She said she gets ALL of her aggression out when sparring. I may go with her this week and take the opportunity to beat the crap out of some guy in face gear.

 

Did you just recently break-up with your bf?? I know it was kinda long but did you read my first post about some of the "challenges" I've had with him? Is your bf similar???? Tell me all about it, please... I'm all ears. It really does help to know that I'm not alone!!

[lorilynne]

I'm hanging!! I managed to keep myself busy today with the gym, errands, chores... deleting texts messages took up a pretty good part of the day as well. LOL Now that the day is ending, it seems like I'm really putting a lot of effort into resisting the urge to respond to his msgs.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how he can be soooooo incredibly mean and vindictive in his msgs but then later he doesn't even acknowledge that he sent any msgs at all.

 

BTW, one of my friends is taking a very aggressive self-defense class and she loves it. She said she gets ALL of her aggression out when sparring. I may go with her this week and take the opportunity to beat the crap out of some guy in face gear.

 

Did you just recently break-up with your bf?? I know it was kinda long but did you read my first post about some of the "challenges" I've had with him? Is your bf similar???? Tell me all about it, please... I'm all ears. It really does help to know that I'm not alone!!

 

Sounds like you kept yourself busy and that is good. I did the same thing today...but it's always hard at night. That's when the loneliness creeps back in!

You're doing great by deleting the text msgs. I try doing the same bc if I don't I'll reread them and feel terrible. My ex used to just say he was kidding when he sent me a horrible text msg.

Here's my original post. He's def very similar to the kind of jerk you are dealing with but I've got the extra twist of being pregnant now. I'm putting a link to my post from a year ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155769/ & then just recently http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195654/. It's been three years of hell! Hang in there girl & keep us posted. After you read up on mine I'll let you know the latest in this a**hole's quest to ensure he's a top notch a**hole!

[itsjustme525]

Sounds like you kept yourself busy and that is good. I did the same thing today...but it's always hard at night. That's when the loneliness creeps back in!

You're doing great by deleting the text msgs. I try doing the same bc if I don't I'll reread them and feel terrible. My ex used to just say he was kidding when he sent me a horrible text msg.

Here's my original post. He's def very similar to the kind of jerk you are dealing with but I've got the extra twist of being pregnant now. I'm putting a link to my post from a year ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155769/ & then just recently http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195654/. It's been three years of hell! Hang in there girl & keep us posted. After you read up on mine I'll let you know the latest in this a**hole's quest to ensure he's a top notch a**hole!

 

Whoa! I just read your previous posts and you're right... I think our guys could be cousins or at least share a genetically-defective ancestor.

 

AND YOU'RE PREGNANT! You need to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight!! This is probably not the exact way that you invisioned having a family someday but hold your head up high, sista! You're going to me a mom!!

 

So what's the latest??

[itsjustme525]

You ARE glorifying the good times. You've been through such hell with this guy, your brain is trying to JUSTIFY all the agony and wasted love. That's normal. Most of us will do it.

 

But this will end and all you will be left with is the realisation that you could never help him. You are the last person who can do that. And maybe a scrap of pity.

 

I went out with someone like this. He was actually a bit more aggressive. My self-esteem was low at the time, looking back, that was clear.

 

Here is what you do:

 

You keep the necklace and tell him to sue you if he wants it back. Then sell it, if you don't want it. I'm not a materialistic person but I KNOW you deserve it.

 

You delete his number and block it if that's possible, or consider getting a new number.

 

You do not speak to him - blank him if he approaches you and contact the police if he bugs you.

 

You heal. This WILL take time but you NEED to start doing this NOW.

 

You learn that you will NEVER accept any ONE of the things he did in any other relationship you're in. He is your new standard of LOW. You are now a changed person and you will NEVER go back there.

 

You have been strong in recognising that you need him out of your life. Now move as far (emotionally and mentally) away from him as possible.

 

You can do this. I know it.

 

Take care. x

 

Hi mickleb: I meant to say "thank you" much sooner. I like your advice and I like the way you write.

 

Definitely thinking about changing my phone number. My main concern right now is that he may show up at my office tomorrow with the excuse of "reclaiming the necklace." I'm already planning to park somewhere else.

 

I'm not responding to his text msgs but I was still reading them... until I got sick of hearing about the booty calls he's setting up. I think he's full of sh*t and I actually started to laugh after a while because instead of feeling insanely jealous, all I kept thinking was "good luck getting him out of his parents' house!" I stayed with him a LOT longer than most women would have. He'll realize it soon enough and it will be too late.

 

Thanks again!!

[RedDevil66]

He's not really a body builder, he's more about endurance training. He's done karate, jujitsu, boxing, etc. He was doing MMA-type training before MMA really took off. He's solid as a rock but not a big meaty body-builder.

 

I asked him if he has ever done steroids but he insists that he never has. I thought maybe that would account for his mood swings and aggression but he seems to naturally be that way. Maybe the problem is a slight chemical imbalance or maybe he's grown up with no boundaries... he doesn't see doctors, so who will ever know?

 

Are you happy in your relationship? You're still together, right?

 

I was wondering about steriods also. It would explain his behaviour.

He may have a bi polar issue, but you're right, he would need to seek help for it.

 

I am very unhappy in my relationship. It's been an up/down for so long.

I've tried to leave, only to return thinking/hoping it can get better. It never does.

Why do I stay? This is what I've been trying to discover.

There is a fear of being alone, also the fear of starting over after 4 yrs. I was happily with someone for 11 yrs and when he turned out to have a double life, I pretty much became dead inside and that had a huge effect on me.

It's really a whole mix of things and reasons why I would stay in an unhappy relationship.

[lorilynne]

Whoa! I just read your previous posts and you're right... I think our guys could be cousins or at least share a genetically-defective ancestor.

 

AND YOU'RE PREGNANT! You need to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight!! This is probably not the exact way that you invisioned having a family someday but hold your head up high, sista! You're going to me a mom!!

 

So what's the latest??

 

Yea I'm pretty sure they share that defective gene! lol. I slept about 6 hours last night. Well a few days ago, I see hime with her. I broke down the next day and called him & wept like a baby. During the convo he makes a comment about whether or not I thought we could really get back together again. I hate when he does that. I'm done.

[moo]

Hi,

 

I just thought of something. I don't think you should keep anything that reminds you of a abusive relationship, except notes and journaling you do to process the break up. Still think you should just return the necklace and be done with this nightmare you are in.

[BeSteady]

Read this:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287