I doubt God

[Thomas X Forever]

I wasn't always this way.

 

I went to church every single Sunday growing up. I've defended God towards atheists since I was old enough to understand what an argument was. Even after my mom died when I was 9, I still stuck by God.

 

I have continued going to church and even was an alter server, as I got older. I continued going to church even until recently.

 

Then I lost the girl I loved more than myself. At first, I told myself the same thing I did when I lost my mom. I told myself God had a bigger plan, and had something great in store for me.

 

So I never cried.

 

Then as the months crept by, the pain began to build.

 

8 months after losing this girl, the girl I firmly believed I would one day marry, I finally broke down and cried.

 

Crying didn't change anything, in reference to God, though. I cried, and I cried, but I didn't blame anyone but her and me.

 

But the weeks continued to come and go, the pain only getting worse.

 

The pain became so intense, that I couldn't see. But through the tears and ruptured/hemorrhaging heart, I screamed at God for once. I screamed, and I screamed, I cried, and a part of me died. A huge part of me.

 

I screamed at God to show me how this life was better. I begged Him to show me how I was better off. Because I have lost in EVERY SINGLE WAY from losing this girl. There has been NOTHING positive that has come from this loss.

 

The days continued to pass. Nothing changed. No matter how much I begged God, he didn't listen. God didn't talk back. God didn't tell me it would be okay. God didn't tell me things would get better. He didn't tell me a better girl was waiting for me. If God spoke, he spoke in the language of pure silence. Because that's all that was evident. SILENCE.

 

My prayers, screams, tears... might as well have been to the wall. (And in fact, they literally were). They were all in vain.

 

No God was looking out for me. I could scream and break down again "under Him", and he still wouldn't acknowledge it.

 

Everyone out there will just tell me that he doesn't acknowledge people, as it says in the Bible. Or they'll tell me give God time, for something good is coming. But you know what? If something good comes, it's because of ME or because of dumb LUCK. To give all the credit to God is simply incurable optimism RUN FREE.

 

I am not an atheist now.

But I am agnostic.

 

Was it the breakup that stopped me believing in God, or was this a long time coming? I don't know, but either way, I'm left on a cold Saturday night that had I not lost the only girl I loved, I'd be spending it with her right now. She'd be next to me, in this same room, right now.

 

I know you don't care. I know no one cares what I believe. Nor should you. But I had to say this, not for you, not for your sympathies or your incoming insults. But rather to solidify this to myself, that this was IN FACT what I truly face now. This is the world I am a part of now, and I highly doubt the next sunrise will be warm.

 

God can't give back the two things he's taken.

[quankanne]

contrary to what some may say, doubt can be a good tool ... makes you look more deeply at the relationship you have with The Big Guy, and (hopefully) you see how you evolve from blind trust to a more mature kind of trust in which you are fully aware that sometimes relationships (even with God) aren't a cakewalk. And I'm thinking this is where you're at on your journey.

 

Was it the breakup that stopped me believing in God, or was this a long time coming?

 

I think the break up has made you more aware of Him – you're in pain, you are screaming for attention but are only being met with silence. But the silence isn't meant to be a bad thing, just maybe a device to help you delve more deeply into your relationship.

 

my own thought is that when it all ends, you go back to the faith you learned at your mother's knee ... and that it sustains you throughout your life even when you don't see evidence of it.

[Thomas X Forever]

contrary to what some may say, doubt can be a good tool ... makes you look more deeply at the relationship you have with The Big Guy, and (hopefully) you see how you evolve from blind trust to a more mature kind of trust in which you are fully aware that sometimes relationships (even with God) aren't a cakewalk. And I'm thinking this is where you're at on your journey.

 

Was it the breakup that stopped me believing in God, or was this a long time coming?

 

I think the break up has made you more aware of Him – you're in pain, you are screaming for attention but are only being met with silence. But the silence isn't meant to be a bad thing, just maybe a device to help you delve more deeply into your relationship.

 

my own thought is that when it all ends, you go back to the faith you learned at your mother's knee ... and that it sustains you throughout your life even when you don't see evidence of it.

 

Quankanne, you are very intelligent. Your point of view is appreciated..

[moo]

I'm agnostic. I wear a cross around my neck (Use to before I lost it, but I play on buying on again) because I have hope and my hope is strong.

 

But when I think of the horrific things that happens to people..esp. women and children at the hands of brutal rapists and murders...I don't know.

 

I pray to God. I pray and pray, not for my ex to come back to me, but for help and strength in my recovery. I pray and I pray for help because sometimes I feel so desperate. I want to be able to pray to God when I am not desperate..and I do for other people and those who have died. But still, I just don't know. I don't know.

[OpenBook]

Ah yes, this is so INTIMATELY familiar to me. I've doubted Him, screamed at him, cursed Him, ignored Him, ... had just about every reaction there is. And yet I keep looping back around to Him. I still keep on praying to Him, believing in the goodness of Him. Because IT'S THE ONLY HOPE I HAVE of redemption and salvation, and any chance of living a happy life. My faith is COMPLETELY based on hope!! It's the only way I can keep on going, keep muddling through it all.

 

I don't have any answers whatsoever to share. Just giving a shout-out to let you know, you're not the only "Doubting Thomas" out there.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch, your post brought tears to my eyes Thomas..I'm sorry for all that you've lost, I understand how painful it is to lose someone you love, and to lose a parent as well, my father isn't here anymore, but I know he looks in on me, and as gay as this may sound, there's a certain star in the sky I wink at when I'm at the cottage, and the star winks back at me, I like to think that it's my dad winking back..

 

OB is right. Hope is so important. Just know that no matter what bad stuff you go through, there's always good stuff that follows..Sometimes it just takes abit of time for it to happen.

 

Sorry for your pain, keep posting, I like reading what you have to say.

[Surfer Girl]

Perhaps you see God as the answer... to your pain... struggles and when you feel the faith that God will answer your prayers... It can be a disapointment... It is a hard concept to know what fate is in store for you.... When my father was suffering.... I prayed to God to let him go.... Only when I am in much pain do I seek a higher power... because I do not know how to deal with the problems at hand and seek some guidance when I am distraught... Perhaps we all need that higher power to turn to when we are in pain.....because we realize we are beyond fixing this ourselves.... doesn't always work out the way we want... but in the end we still seek for help and when it is at its worst.....

[TaraMaiden]

Where is Heaven? Where is Hell?

 

Right here, now, on this planet.

 

Heaven is the sound of free whales swimming alongside dolphins, Hell is the Japanese Whale hunter.

Heaven is the colourful fish swimming in the reef, Hell is the slow decimation of the Great Barrier by pollution and imbalance.

Heaven is the sun filtering through summer leaves, Hell is wiping out the Amazon forest for profit and exploitation.

Heaven is walking hand in hand with someone whilst they possess your heart, Hell is having it ripped from your ribcage by that person walking away.

heaven is being able to talk to others on Forum and have them speak words of comfort and wisdom, Hell is that it changes your situation not one jot.

 

Heaven is knowing that recovery is within our grasp, and at our control, Hell is perpetuating the pain because feeling something tells us we're alive, however painful it is.

 

Don't abdicate your power to the hell you are creating for yourself.

Take back your power, and see that even the finest, most thinly-beaten leaf of gold, made almost see-through by the pounding - still has two sides.

Two equally balanced, self-supporting, mutually dependable sides.

 

Heaven cannot exist without Hell.

Loss cannot exist without Gain.

Pain cannot exist without Healing.

[contax]

I see what you're saying Thomas. It sounds like you were girlfriend centered. Reactive to what moves she makes.

 

If you were truely God Centered that would be different.

God as in the natural system of things. Having someone in the center of your life is like chaos. You can't control it. God or principles are forever.

 

I'm talking things like integrity, consistency, truth etc.

 

I feel you. I was with my girl for 5 years, never wanted her to be the center, but I allowed it to happen. Humans are weak.

 

I hope you do well. It sounds like you have good advice for others sometimes, keep moving forward and stay busy. You will find a better girl one day.

[CaliGuy]

I wasn't always this way.

 

I went to church every single Sunday growing up. I've defended God towards atheists since I was old enough to understand what an argument was. Even after my mom died when I was 9, I still stuck by God.

 

I have continued going to church and even was an alter server, as I got older. I continued going to church even until recently.

 

Then I lost the girl I loved more than myself. At first, I told myself the same thing I did when I lost my mom. I told myself God had a bigger plan, and had something great in store for me.

 

So I never cried.

 

Then as the months crept by, the pain began to build.

 

8 months after losing this girl, the girl I firmly believed I would one day marry, I finally broke down and cried.

 

Crying didn't change anything, in reference to God, though. I cried, and I cried, but I didn't blame anyone but her and me.

 

But the weeks continued to come and go, the pain only getting worse.

 

The pain became so intense, that I couldn't see. But through the tears and ruptured/hemorrhaging heart, I screamed at God for once. I screamed, and I screamed, I cried, and a part of me died. A huge part of me.

 

I screamed at God to show me how this life was better. I begged Him to show me how I was better off. Because I have lost in EVERY SINGLE WAY from losing this girl. There has been NOTHING positive that has come from this loss.

 

The days continued to pass. Nothing changed. No matter how much I begged God, he didn't listen. God didn't talk back. God didn't tell me it would be okay. God didn't tell me things would get better. He didn't tell me a better girl was waiting for me. If God spoke, he spoke in the language of pure silence. Because that's all that was evident. SILENCE.

 

My prayers, screams, tears... might as well have been to the wall. (And in fact, they literally were). They were all in vain.

 

No God was looking out for me. I could scream and break down again "under Him", and he still wouldn't acknowledge it.

 

Everyone out there will just tell me that he doesn't acknowledge people, as it says in the Bible. Or they'll tell me give God time, for something good is coming. But you know what? If something good comes, it's because of ME or because of dumb LUCK. To give all the credit to God is simply incurable optimism RUN FREE.

 

I am not an atheist now.

But I am agnostic.

 

Was it the breakup that stopped me believing in God, or was this a long time coming? I don't know, but either way, I'm left on a cold Saturday night that had I not lost the only girl I loved, I'd be spending it with her right now. She'd be next to me, in this same room, right now.

 

I know you don't care. I know no one cares what I believe. Nor should you. But I had to say this, not for you, not for your sympathies or your incoming insults. But rather to solidify this to myself, that this was IN FACT what I truly face now. This is the world I am a part of now, and I highly doubt the next sunrise will be warm.

 

God can't give back the two things he's taken.

 

God's plans are better for your than yours. Through His trials, you learn patience and gain character/faith. It's when WE try and wrest control from God that He let's us fail.

 

I used to think like you. That somehow God was punishing me for something by taking away the people that I love. What I have learned is that God's plan WAS much better than my own and had He allowed me my deepest desires, I would be far, far more miserable than I am now.

 

"Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable..."

 

You have to learn patience. God will bring the right woman to you one day and you will get on your knees and thank God for not letting you marry the WRONG woman.

 

I know I feel that way now, but I didn't at the time. You can give up on God if you want.

 

He never gives up on you, though. Always remember that.

[wuggle]

God can't give back the two things he's taken.

 

No he can't because it wasn't him who took them because he doesn't exist. Your girlfriend left you because she decded to, sad but true. If your looking for answers Tara's seem good.

[Taucher]

I am an atheist and always have been so I guess I dont understand this.

 

However, is it not true to say that people who do not have a faith quite often find God in adversity, and those who DO have faith sometimes LOSE it in adversity?

 

I have a friend who lost her faith in God when her brother was killed, and another firend who found God when his parents died in quick succession. I dont know what my point is.

 

I guess tough times make everyone doubt EVERYTHING.

 

Take care

 

T

[moo]

Gosh TaraMaiden, you're deep. Are you a budist? You seem to be so at peace. Is there some material on the web so I can learn to be more at peace with myself too?

 

Thanks.

[Ross PK]

I pretty much agree with wuggle, I think your girlfriend left you because she decided to, and that's all there is to it.

[RedDevil66]

I think if humans would stop looking at God as some man in the sky who answers prayers, there would be less suffering/pain.

The energy of the universe is what guides us, not some made-up figure created by the mind of man.

 

I was raised a Catholic and was told to believe in God. I went to Catholic school until I was 16. I was conditioned to believe that there was something greater (God) than myself. When I instinctually knew, I am God, I am am energy and no one religion of energy was greater than myself.

 

Believe in yourself and not some Man in the Sky to help you. Life will involved less suffering this way. It's great to be spiritual and have faith, but to pray to a figure hoping to ease the pain of life is just not reality.

[Excellent]

I am an atheist. I did believe in God when i was a kid. And i don't know why and when the doubt set in. But now, i don't believe. I think it is a nice thought, that someone up there is watching and listening to our prayers. But with all that has happened and happening through the world today, war, hunger, epidemics, murders, rape etc, i kinda stopped believing. I know it's damn selfish, but if i wanted a god to exist, i think it would be so i could blame him/her for my own and others faults, so i wouldn't need to blame myself.

 

How one lives his life is up to each individual, but relying on some higher might to make your life better, that no one has proved exists, is beyond me. I guess i would compare it to giving up. Harsh and strong words, i am sorry if i offended anyone.

[westernxer]

You're going to let a broken heart interfere with your belief in God? Real agnostics would be insulted by this. LOL

[lorilynne]

Thomas X, I can see why you feel the way you do & we all do care what you think (at least I do). I was once a weekly devouted church goer. Then during my last relationship I tried so desperately to turn whatever I heard at church into a statement that justified staying my relationship. I see now that I did that. So, when things didn't work out, I blamed the church, I blamed God. It's hard when your in the middle of all of this pain to hear or believe that there is grander plan for you. I struggle with this myself. I do try to think of previous relationships and how I am probably better off without them but I know it's hard to see that I'm better off now.

You don't know what the future holds. Maybe it was what was best for her. Maybe it was to save you from a deeper heartbreak later. I guess this is where faith comes into play. I think I didn't lose my belief in God. I just lost my faith. I wonder if losing that faith means that I won't see his great plan for me or will I see it and regain my faith? Just what I'm wondering...

[SRTtoZ]

I'm an atheist. Rock on dude.

[banser123]

Hey Thomas,

Dont lose faith in God. Continue to pray and be grateful for what you have. In time your prayers will be answered. Thats how it works. I have been praying so much and I am still waiting and hurting, but whenever I do pray I do feel better and safer, I sort of feel as tho Jesus is listening and help is on the way. So just stay patient and believe and you will get what you want, and thats happiness.

[moo]

I think my ex thinks his new gf was sent from God. He says God puts new opportunities in front of us. He said, she wanted him...he saw an opportunity and he took it. I guess when I asked him to go to couples counseling with me, he saw it as a burden instead of an opportunity.

[You'reasian]

Sorry to hear your situation, Thomas. I've never doubted God, rather doubted man kind occasionally...not sure if that makes me better or not

[utterer of lies]

Weak people need the reassurance that the 'alpha male in the sky' that will look out for them. They need to transfer responsibility to him, because they can't bear it. It's a useful strategy, I guess.

 

But losing this belief this is a sign of growth, of strength, of hope. Welcome.

[boogieboy]

Weak people need the reassurance that the 'alpha male in the sky' that will look out for them. They need to transfer responsibility to him, because they can't bear it. It's a useful strategy, I guess.

 

But losing this belief this is a sign of growth, of strength, of hope. Welcome.

 

Im with this guy.

 

Welcome to our side Thomas...

[Thomas X Forever]

You're going to let a broken heart interfere with your belief in God? Real agnostics would be insulted by this. LOL

 

Cool man, keep laughing at your own jokes, because that's, like, really cool. You've really helped a lot man, I'm so glad you took the time to write and laugh at your own advice.

I used to like you western, but your COMPLETE INABILITY to place yourself in my shoes is just sad.

Do yourself a favor and don't give any more advice.

 

 

 

As for the rest of you, lori, etc.. All your stories are welcomed.. I'm glad to hear them... I'm glad but also sad to hear others have also gone through this.

 

It's just too difficult to believe in God, when you scream at him through tears, begging him to listen to ONE SINCERE PRAYER. After all I've given HIM, all I asked is for HIM TO LISTEN TO ONE PRAYER.

 

You know what my tears, begging, screaming, pleading, sincere prayer got me?

 

I bet you can guess. It starts with "S" and rhymes with violence.

For those rhyme challenged............................

 

silence.