3rd Date Cancellation, worth it to pursue?

[trahn]

I'm new here but have read some great info regarding relationship on this site and was a little unsure how i'd approach this particular situation of mine so I thought i'd ask for advice. Without getting into too much detail i'm a guy...i've dated this girl 2 other times and the date went really well. Lots of laughs, good humor, quick responses and just good company and good times.

Long story short we set up a 3rd date earlier this week which was supposed to be for tonight. I called her earlier in the day to see what time I should pick her up and she called back basically stating that she was going to have to cancel the date. This part I was ok with, but the reason is what got me. She said the reason she had to cancel the date is that her parents were having all the family over for a 'BBQ' and that it was a spur of the moment type thing. She then proceeds to say that she isn't doing anything tomorrow afternoon and was hoping we could go out then.

 

I have my own thoughts on this and i'll mention them but first let me give some quick background. This girl is someone that keeps herself very busy. She always does things with friends or family and doesn't have a lot of free time to begin with. I, on the other hand have more free time. Neither of us have kids, and she has more friends then I do. I am not someone that makes friends easy as real friends are hard to find. I mean I would give the shirt off my back (literally) for someone I cared about but unfortunately, the feeling isn't reciprocated by most from my experience at least, so I don't just meet someone and call them a "friend."

 

Anyway, with that being said, I am thinking there are primary reasons why she cancelled, well maybe 3. The first would be that she could be going out with another guy. The second would be that she wants to see how i'd react and whether or not I seem "needy". And the 3rd would be she just isn't as interested as her signals would indicate. One thing i'll say is that i'm not on cloud 9...believe me, if a girl isn't interested I have no problems realizing that. That would be what i'd think is most probable, but then why would she be so quick to ask to reschedule tomorrow afternoon.

 

I mean if this BBQ thing is legit, I just think I should move on. As great as the first 2 dates were, that just seems like a total disregard for my time. What's more odd is that we had great conversation and laughs during the time we spoke on the phone where she told me her reason for cancelling. I mean our conversations have been great, but I just can't pursue someone, even with great qualities, who has total disregard for my time like that.

 

So really my decision right now is contemplating whether or not to go on this "rescheduled" date tomorrow afternoon, or just tell her I can't make it tomorrow afternoon and move on. I don't want to overanalyze the situation, if the girl didn't have what appear to be some amazing qualities already, i'd just do exactly that...move on. But because she does seem to have some great qualities i'm wondering if I shouldn't give this "rescheduled" date a shot and see how things go from there. Assuming things go well, I can definitely forget about this and try to get to know her better and vice-versa, giving her the benefit of the doubt. However, if she cancels again in the near future, that really would be it,

 

so my question is, what would be the most likely reason behind this cancellation, and which route would seem the best for me to take in your opinion? Thanks for any advice and your time in reading this.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Wow. That's a little harsh and unforgiving. How do you expect to have a healthy relationship with someone when you're willing to write them off so easily???

 

Yes, I think the BBQ is probably legit. But I don't understand why you're so willing to toss her in the trash can. I don't think she was showing a complete disregard for your time - she rescheduled right away. It wasn't a blow off. Sounds to me like she was trying to find a win-win for everybody involved. She went to the BBQ because it was important to her family, but then also got to keep a date with you. There's no need to be so inflexible.

[ruggy]

The rescheduled date thing is a good sign. However, if it was spur of the moment and you already had plans, that means she blew you off even though your plans were set prior to the BBQ. If it were me, it would really depend on the mood of the conversation. Though, come to think of it, if a woman I was seeing cancelled my plans we already setup for a BBQ, I'd dump the bitch. Simple as that. Seems she doesn't value her word too well here.

[SoulSearch_CO]

OK, wait. I had to re-read the cancellation to get a feel for it again. You guys made plans EARLIER IN THE WEEK for a date that was supposed to be TONIGHT. You were the one that called her TODAY. She takes that opportunity to cancel? I'd say it DOES sound suspect.

 

I swear, my reading comprehension skills are usually pretty decent. I apologize.

 

Given the very short notice, AND the fact that she wasn't even the one to initiate contact as soon as she found out about the BBQ...I can understand just canceling on her and forgetting about it.

[loveslife]

Yeah, the turn-off part for me is that she wasn't even the one to call as soon as she knew about the BBQ. It sounds almost as if she forgot about the date until you called. HOWEVER, it might just be that the call for the BBQ came at about the same time as your message.

[loveslife]

But then again, the fact that she cancaled on the same day is pretty rude if nothing else.

[neophreak]

I would cancel the date tomorrow. Her reaction should be telling.

[trahn]

wow, thanks for all the responses, I didn't expect that...thanks. @ soulsearch, right, we made plans earlier in the week for Sat. Night, but more specifically, we confirmed those plans via "text" Friday afternoon.... Basically, the way it went down was, we made the plans, confirmed the plans Friday afternoon. I was to call her on Saturday to finalize the time i'd pick her up. That's exactly what I did. Around 1pm I gave her a call, left her a message just saying hi and giving a time of 7pm, seeing if that worked for her..and for her to give me a call when she got the chance.

 

About an hour later I saw I missed a call from her but she left No Voicemail...I thought that was weird. On our last date she called letting me know the time worked and left that message. So I called her back where basically we had a pretty good conversation, so I thought things were still on....but then she proceeded to mention her family made last minute family BBQ plans and that she wasn't going to be able to make it for our date. Honestly, I was pissed, not because of the cancellation but b/c I thought the BBQ thing was really lame to say the least. And on last second notice? And yes, when she found out she didn't call me, I had to call her to confirm the plans to begin with.

 

But after she said she had these "BBQ" plans, she quickly says I hope we can reschedule for today, sometime in the afternoon. I said let's just touch base then and play it by ear. I told her I hope her BBQ goes great and to have a nice night. Then I started to think on whether or not this was worth more time...because as I said, it seems tough in the sense that everything went great on the dates prior as well as the little conversations we had here and there between dates. Also, the fact that she did reschedule right away....but even with those factors, I just feel like she had no respect for me or my time to cancel in the fashion she did.

 

I mean let's be realistic, I know i'm not gonna be as important to her as her family, not on a 3rd date...but a last minute BBQ? This girl is in her mid 20's not 15....this just seems too lame and as mentioned, "suspect."

So really, I was more asking for reassurance I should give this another shot at a different time, because as "neophreak" said, my intentions are already to cancel these plans we have set for today. She's supposed to call me this afternoon, assuming she does, i'm just gonna say I have some things going on, i'm not gonna be able to make it and see if next weekend works for her.

 

I think by her reaction and decision i'll know. I'm just looking for some reassurance that I should even attempt a rescheduled date for next weekend....and I don't see anyones response in that favor...lol.

 

There is one OTHER thing I was thinking..but I don't know if this makes any sense or not. I was thinking that maybe she thought things were moving "too fast" and she got cold feet late. I say this because we had our initial date a week ago, we made plans for a mid week dinner and movie on Wednesday, that went great too, and we spoke Thursday night had good convo and made plans for Saturday night. So 3 dates in the first week essentially,.....as great as they went, i'm thinking for some reason or another it's possible she thought things were moving too fast and she thought it was safer to make plans for a Sunday afternoon time slot vs. a Saturday Night time slot.

 

Does that make ANY sense at all or am I just making excuses for her now? Anyone think I should try to set up another date for next week or just move on?

 

Thanks again for all the replies here.

[loveslife]

There is one OTHER thing I was thinking..but I don't know if this makes any sense or not. I was thinking that maybe she thought things were moving "too fast" and she got cold feet late. I say this because we had our initial date a week ago, we made plans for a mid week dinner and movie on Wednesday, that went great too, and we spoke Thursday night had good convo and made plans for Saturday night. So 3 dates in the first week essentially,.....as great as they went, i'm thinking for some reason or another it's possible she thought things were moving too fast and she thought it was safer to make plans for a Sunday afternoon time slot vs. a Saturday Night time slot.

 

Does that make ANY sense at all or am I just making excuses for her now? Anyone think I should try to set up another date for next week or just move on?

 

Thanks again for all the replies here.

 

It does make sense. She might have gotten cold feet.

 

Okay, here's a radical idea. Meet her today and lay your cards on the table. Try being as candid with her as you are with us. (Do be nice though.) Tell her your feelings about the last-minute cancelation. Ask her if she thinks you're moving too fast? If she's seeing someone else?

 

The best you can do in looking for a mate is to be yourself. If you're uncomfortable talking to her about this then maybe you should just move on.

[trahn]

Okay, here's a radical idea. Meet her today and lay your cards on the table. Try being as candid with her as you are with us. (Do be nice though.) Tell her your feelings about the last-minute cancelation. Ask her if she thinks you're moving too fast? If she's seeing someone else?

 

The best you can do in looking for a mate is to be yourself. If you're uncomfortable talking to her about this then maybe you should just move on.

 

Hmm, that sounds like a good suggestion but I was leaning more towards Neophreaks idea of cancelling and rescheduling next weekend. Meeting up today over lunch I guess wouldn't be too bad if I did what you stated. The thing is, I don't want to come off too strong or controlling, and on a 3rd date, I don't want to say something that's gonna offend her. Like what do I say, wow, you ditched me for your family, thanks...lol. I mean even saying that politely comes off as arrogant and no matter how I say it, it probably isn't gonna come off nice. I think I could, however, say something to the extent of how she perceives these few dates, how she sees things progressing and being candid with her in that aspect, and hope that her response is as candid as well. If I do meet up, i'd definitely have to mention that cancellation thing somehow, but I'll do it in a sense that is friendly and funny but i'll try to get my point across without coming off the wrong way.

I mean the only thing that makes me even want to move forward besides the fact she has great qualities, is that she did quickly reschedule...so if the "cold feet" thing is possible, then meeting with her like you suggested today and putting my cards on the table is definitely not a bad idea. I can see from her response up close and personal whether or not she's interested and what her feelings are. If she calls it will be within the next 2 hours or so, and I guess i'm still deciding on which way to go.

 

Any other thoughts in the meantime would be great....but if not, I'll definitely respond back with and update....thanks again for the helpful suggestions.

[WineCountry]

Hmm.. I dont know. Im not sure that someone you have only been on two dates with owes you all this loyalty. Right now, you are only getting to know each other. Keep it light and carefree. Dont act like your feelings are being so easily hurt. I wouldnt say anything about it. If you want to just try the rescheduling thing just to show her it's not all about what time is good for HER..fine. But dont mention her having to cancel.

 

If she agrees to the rescheduling on your part, i would say the next couple of dates after all this will give you more insight into this woman.

 

Just play it cool, and keep your options open.

[Jimmy's_Brother]

Plain and simple:

 

if someone cancels on you at the last minute without an excellent reason (medical emergency, etc.), they're "just not that into you."

 

By ditching you at the 11th hour so she could hang out with her friends and family, she was saying, "you're really not that important to me, so f- you."

[lurker219]

Plain and simple:

 

if someone cancels on you at the last minute without an excellent reason (medical emergency, etc.), they're "just not that into you."

 

By ditching you at the 11th hour so she could hang out with her friends and family, she was saying, "you're really not that important to me, so f- you."

 

I think this quote should be amdended to "she's just not into you" right now and you really aren't that imprortant to her....Right Now....

 

As said above, a second date doesn't get you that much loyal points.

 

Until you have had a chance to take hold with her, you won't rate high for Saturday dates.

 

Her girlfriends going out at the last second will trump going out with with you right now... It's the order of things.

 

Until you do take hold, don't make plans for prime nights like Saturday. Have weekday dates and such. I'm sure you'll see less last second pop ups go down.

[trahn]

you know what i've learned with all these responses?...Not a Damn thing! lol...seriously, it seems like some views say that you should just move on and the girl isn't into you or that she doesn't care about you, or me in this case....other views say that I'm not that important to her...at least not yet....and that other things trump a date with me.

 

The thing is that i'm not an arrogant bastard that thinks after 2 dates I should be #1 in her life...not at all. Quite honestly, I think this girl has great qualities but i'm not "all that into her" either. That's the purpose of dating...to see how compatable you are...at least if you're looking for a relationship with substance that is. So yeah, maybe she did make plans with her girlfirends and that did trump me or this bbq was legit and that trumped me...all that is fine and dandy....but the funny thing to me is how women always talk about "respect" and how they don't get enough of it from men.

 

I'll I can say is you give respect to get it, I don't care who you are. At least with me...and I can say that i'd never flake out on a date unless it were a real emergency. If I wasn't into her, there'd be no date to begin with. Maybe she did think things were moving too fast, I don't know. We have spoken on the phone, I told her today didn't work for me and that she could let me know what day next weekend works for her we can try it again. The convo on the phone went well so we'll see what happens from here.

 

If we have another date or two and things seem to be moving in the right direction and she does it again, then i'd probably just move on. Because i'd feel at that point, sure other things can "trump" me, but to ditch out at the last second again would be classless and show absolutely no consideration for my time or life....so that would tell me more then I need to know about this girl.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all the great advice, either way, i'll update this post when I see how things go the next time around.

[D-Lish]

but to ditch out at the last second again would be classless and show absolutely no consideration for my time or life....so that would tell me more then I need to know about this girl.

 

You barely know each other, Geez! It's way too soon to be demanding such consideration for YOUR time and YOUR life!

 

She DID call you back to re-schedule. I am assuming she didn't leave a voice mail because she wanted to speak to you personally instead of leaving a message- which is being considerate.

 

You want all this consideration, but have you considered that regardless of her age- she may be really close with her family? Maybe her family has certain expectations of her as well.

 

She is giving you all the right signals. She cancelled- but gave you an alternative date. THIS IS A GOOD SIGN. She prefers to talk to you personally instead of leaving a voicemail...ANOTHER GOOD SIGN.

 

So your answer is to spite her by blowing her off today!!??? That is your solution? And now instead of being out with her, you are at home posting on LS??? WTF?

 

You guys seemed to be off to a good start, BUT, it's possible she may see right through your INTENTIONAL blow off today and this may turn her off.

 

It all seems so silly. From everything else you have said, things have been really promising. So what if she had a family function she wanted to attend - you've only had two dates. Besides, she tried to re-schedule for the very next day - and apparantly wanted to follow through with that today!

 

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

[trahn]

@D-Lish,

 

I wasn't attempting to make something big out of something that wasn't considered big, I was asking for advice on whether something like this would be significant enough to just move on. It wasn't so much because of "this issue" which obviously isn't big in and of itself. I was concerned because I felt that if things progressed that she would be someone that could not be relied upon and that would not value my time at all in the future for more "important" things. Is my thought process really that difficult to understand?

 

I already considered the fact that her family is important to her (and yes you are right, they are very important and she lives close by so visits them regularly) and I also understand I'm not really anywhere on the totem pole with her as of right now. This isn't the question or the problem. The problem is that she called me and cancelled so "non-chalantly" and was really not apologetic at all! I'm not saying she had to say OMG I'M SO SORRY...but something to the extent of I apologize would of been nice. Am I so NUTS as to ask for a simple apology for cancelling abruptly and at the last minute? That's common courtesy at the very least and I definitely don't think that's asking for much.

 

So your answer is to spite her by blowing her off today!!??? That is your solution? And now instead of being out with her, you are at home posting on LS??? WTF?

Yes, that was my answer and I did contemplate it but I felt like if she's interested enough we'll set up a fresh date on a new weekend and try it again. It looks like that's what is gonna happen and i'll just go from there. The only problem I have with some of the responses saying I should just "deal with it" are that they are vague in the sense that they are implying if she flakes out on more dates in the near future at the last second I should just "deal with that too." Have my weekends with no definitive plans because she cancels at the last second repeatedly. Not saying she is going to do that, but your response and some others suggest that if she did, just live with that too. No way, even on a 3rd date you should have some regard for the other persons time, even if it isn't a lot and even if that person isn't that meaningful to you. Because while you're quick to have your plans filled you're leaving the guy hanging high and dry and could care less.

 

As far as i'm concerned that says a lot about a person's character and bigger issues in the future.

 

But as it stands now, I agree that at least there were some good signs with the rescheduled date and phone call and we'll see what happens from here. As far as i'm concerned this issue is dead, but if it happens again, then i'd need to move on.

[CLC2008]

In all honesty, your initial issue was if her reason for canceling last minute was "legit" or not.

 

Now you're saying it's because she didn't respect your time and you are concerned that she will be unreliable in the future.

 

While I see your point, and I agree that canceling at the last minute could be construed in many different ways, I do think though your expectations are a bit too high two dates in.

 

You have two options. You can either give her the benefit of the doubt while being observant of her actions and if there are any other red flags that you notice, or end it now.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I disagree with those that say it's not "that big of a deal" just because it was a 3rd date. Please. I think you owe EVERYBODY a small shred of respect for their time. If you make plans with somebody, have respect for their time and give them notice if you plan to break your word. If she was truly trying to be respectful but really WAS pushed up against the wall by the short-notice from her family (hard to believe, considering I'd wonder how the hell they got the party to agree to show up for BBQ on such short notice), then SHE should have been the one to initiate contact with him and apologized. I could be wrong because I don't have the whole story, but it almost sounded like she didn't think it was that big of a deal - just "deal with it."

 

I don't know - I'm pretty big on one keeping their word. My XH continually broke his word to EVERYBODY and just didn't see what the big deal was. So I guess this is a sore point with me. I hate how complacent our society is getting with respect.

[CLC2008]

Well yes, she should have been the one to contact the OP first and cancel, I totally agree with that.

 

I'm not doting on the OP, and I would be peeved too if someone canceled a date at the last minute.

 

If a canceled date at the last minute, combined with her reason, is enough to warrant a red flag in the OP's eyes, then that is what matters.

[monkey00]

Let's examine this:

 

-She canceled on plans, but counter-offered ( a good sign )

...worse if she did not counter-offer

-only a 3rd date, you're not on her list of priorities. Any normal self-respecting person would place the priority of their friends/family ahead of a date.

-She canceled last minute...if I were you, I'd let this slide once. If she does it often then I don't think she's worth your time.

 

 

I have to add that today, my roomie reminded me that women get hit on all the time. If you are willing to give up on chasing or courting a girl at a first bad sign, it's not that big of a deal as someone else will easily ask her out. So in essence, getting angry and wearing your heart on your sleeve during the dating phase will do you no good. You've just got to play it cool. If she isn't interested or are showing obvious signs of red flags, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[trahn]

She canceled last minute...if I were you, I'd let this slide once. If she does it often then I don't think she's worth your time.

 

Agreed. This is exactly the approach i've already taken so it's pretty much done with. Hopefully things progress, only time will tell.

 

As far as her getting "hit on" no doubt about it. I'm confident in my qualities and who I am that I don't worry about things I can't control. If she gives me the opportunity, hopefully she'll get to see more qualities in me as well as I, her. She's already exhibited some great qualities which is why I want to get to know her better to begin with.

 

I think everyone that chimed in has a great viewpoint here one way or another. I decided to go with exactly what you stated...write this off and move forward not even having it in the back of my mind, but if it happens again, then move on. Either way after the next date or so I'll post back and once again, really appreciate all the helpful insight and advice given here by everyone who responded. Thank you.

[D-Lish]

I decided to go with exactly what you stated...write this off and move forward not even having it in the back of my mind, but if it happens again, then move on.

 

But you didn't do this- you did the "revenge" snub. That could also be indicative of the kind of person you will be like to date. Perhaps if something doesn't go the way you like, you'll be inclined to "punish". That's what would be going through my head.

 

It's not so hard to understand that you want other people to value your time- we all want this. Maybe after two dates she doesn't value spending time with a new guy over a family get together? I just think it's ridiculous to judge her on this when you guys aren't even close to being "there" yet.

 

My nose might be out of joint a bit if I were in your shoes- but I would have gone with the re-schedule.

 

You don't know if she was lying and blowing you off- that's the bottom line. But you've treated her as if she was lying. That's what struck a chord with me.

[mortensorchid]

Hard to say on this one. I think it was a bit inconsiderate of her to cancel the date on that day. As for the BBQ, it might be legit. But are you angry because you weren't invited as well? I can tell you I would be a little leary about inviting someone I had 2 dates with to a family event, a little too soon if you ask me to include someone into it. But, that's just me. MaybeI'm completely wrong about this. Do tell how it turns out.

[lucy9216]

Okay, I did not read all of the responses but I do think it is a bit harsh to cancel and ask so many questions about her when you have only been on 2 dates. She is probably really close with her family and that is a good thing. Yes she did not initiate contact but I did read one post that says she may have found out about the bbq around the same time you called her and she just didn't get the opportunity to call you yet. I mean she took the initiative to reschedule that in my opinion shows she is interested.

 

I would not read too much into this, just keep enjoying her company, be yourself, and see how things go from there.

[c92081]

the key for me was seeing 3-dates-in-a-week -- yeah, its just too quick for her i think, (she counter-offered the next day..)

 

it maybe ancient history, but id say, chillax, go with the counter-date and let her chase a bit