Anybody out there??

[NightLord1]

I was hoping for more advice on my last thread so i thought i would make a new one. I could really use some advice on this situation i have going on.

 

I was seeing this girl since the end of May and everything was going really good. We seemed to click really well and got along great.

 

Last weekend of june we went up to Wisconsin to her girlfriend's parents cabin for the weekend with her girlfriend and her girlfriend's fiance. We had a great time and we got even closer together and decided to make it "official."

 

Well the next weekend my family had a little get together for my birthday and i invited her to come over to meet them.

Everything seemed good until after everyone left and me and her were alone in my room chilling out.

 

We got into an arguement over something really stupid and I do admit i did blow up on her a little bit too much but it was brief and I calmed right down. That weekend was really stressful for me and it had nothing to do with her just other things in my life and I told her about this in full detail and that she didn't do anything wrong and I overreacted.

 

I thought we had worked it out that weekend but the following monday she seemed to be withdrawn and distant. She was still texting me but not as often as she normally does. I knew something wasn't right so i had asked her what was wrong.

 

She said she was still bothered by how i reacted over the arguement we had. Once again i told her i am not normally like that i was just extremely stressed out and didn't mean to take it out on her.

 

Well she was still bothered by it and she did not seem to be able to let it go and the next day after a few discussions through texts once again about the whole ordeal she said "i don't know...i just need time to think right now." I told her "ok thats fine i understand."

 

Well very next day she text me and I thought ok well looks like we are ok now. As the day went on however she really wasn't sending me any texts again and I knew things were still not right.

 

Later that night she sent me a text saying "i don't know...i just don't feel the same anymore." I texted her back saying "if you need more time thats cool get a hold of me when your ready to talk."

 

Well i didn't hear from her at all for four days after that. I went to her myspace and she still had "in a relationship" but under her mood setting she had "selective" needless to say i didn't see that as a good sign so i text her and said "hey. I would like to come by and return the books you borrowed me and pick up the one that I wrote and lent you." she text back and said "sure thing." so we agreed to meet up the next day at her place.

 

I drove over there and we started to talk. I told her I know I had hurt her and I can't take it back but wish I could. I told her I want to make this better and is there anything I can do that would. She said "i don't know. When i said i don't feel the same i meant about being comfortable around you. I still want to hang out but i just don't know if i am comfortable right now to be alone with you in your room." I told her I understood and that I still want to see her.

 

Before I left she said "call me." i said "tonight?" she said "whenever" so later that night i called her and she didn't pick up.

 

Next day she sent me a text saying "sorry i didn't pick up last night. how are u?" we went back and forth a few times but it was brief. After that I didn't hear from her for four days and she got a hold of me last Wednesday to say "hey how are u? how was your weekend? Me and brandon have been sick :(" (Brandon is her son) i texted her back and again we talked most of the afternoon and things seemed to be ok.

 

Well last Thursday I didn't hear from her until Thursday night at about 11 when she called me(Which she NEVER calls me that late) and when I answered and asked what was up she said she was dropping her son off at a relatives house for a few weeks and wanted to see what I was up to because she knew i would be up at that time.

 

We talked and it was just normal stuff. Before we got off the phone she said "I wanted to hear your voice its been a while." I said "Ya...well i'm glad to hear your feeling better."

she said "get a hold of me tomorrow" and i said "ok"

 

On Friday i texted her and we went back and forth and I asked her if she wanted to meet up saturday sometime so I can give her a copy of this new book I wrote. She said "Ya...i'm going out tonight and tomorrow night but we can try to meet up saturday." i said "ok cool whens a good time?" she said "i'm not sure I can be out late without brandon being here :)" so i told her "well let me know what would be good...before or after your plans." she said "how about I get a hold of you tomorrow and let ya know?" i said "K" and she replied back with "k :)"

 

Well I did not hear anything from her at all last Saturday and it seemed like she completely blew me off and I still haven't heard from her. This is unlike her as normally when we would make plans and she couldn't make it she would always let me know.

 

I don't know what to think hear and just looking to see if anyone can offer some advice about it. I know about the whole NC thing and I haven't sent her anything since last Friday and when we have talked I've been very calm and cool.

Any advice would be great.

[moo]

I think I posted the question in your last thread, but I don't know...is she afraid of you?

 

Sorry for your pain.

[mickleb]

Hi hon. 1st: Your post is very long and detailed which is why many won't have had the time to read it, let alone reply. It also demonstrates how seriously you take this relationship.

 

Thing is, she doesn't take the relationship as seriously.

 

You haven't been seeing each other very long, and she has a baby. She, therfore, has a lot at stake when she invests in a relationship. However you reacted to the initial disagreement has worried her enough for her to back off.

 

I have to say, the intensity you display in your post about this concerns me a little. It may be that she senses you are a (just a little) out of control in this relationship and that is the last thing a mother wants to see.

 

I don't know, I could be completely wrong but I would give her some space and carry on with your life but be upfront (without going overboard) to her - IF she enquires - about how knowing her improved your life but also ask her what she expects of you, and see if you can truly offer her what she needs.

 

Hope this is some help.

 

Take care. x

[NightLord1]

i appreciate the response.

I can understand where you would think that way but I have a 4 year old little girl myself and I am a single father. My wife passed away about 5 years ago.

Me and her son got along very good together and she even told me that he thought i was I cool and was wondering when we would be hanging out again.

I of course know being a parent that she wants to protect her son and herself but i just raised my voice and that was all. As i said i calmed down immediately once i realized i had reacted too much to the whole thing. I was surprised myself that i had reacted the way i had i normally am not like that at all.

I don't know I guess when a woman tells me she loves me and wants to take care of me and my kid I would imagine she would want to give me a second chance for me to show her it was just an isolated incident.

Maybe your right...maybe she isn't taking it as seriously as i thought she was...even though she was the one coming very strong and telling me a lot of nice things as mentioned above.

I appreciate the response though. Thank you.

[aboynamedmike]

Hey man,

 

well from a 20 yr old's perspective, I think that the whole incident in when u guys were alone indeed scared her. It happened right at the beginning of ur relationship, and after it happened she probably thought it would continue or get worse, despite what you said.

 

Maybe she's had problems with people who get upset/angry in the past, like ex bf, or her father figure...

 

anyways, when she sent u those messages with the happy faces, it seemed like maybe she was thinking about the relationship and had decided to go for it again and was confident in her decision. But then she regretted it and didn't contact you at all when she said you would.

 

I mean, if u guys are havin this much trouble already, it's best you just move on. Sorry man, i know it sucks, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I could be wrong, i could be right..i just hope things work out for ya. take it easy

[Athena]

You're not going to like what I am going to say: are you abusive? Verbally or physically? Have you ever hit a woman?

Does your family view you as violent or having a Temper? Quick to anger?

 

I ask you because in another thread you mentioned six previous g/f's of yours ending relationships in the same manner as your present g/f is 'pulling out' and saying she needs time to think...

 

The fact that your g/f is so Affected by your behavior in your room that day, speaks volumes... you, on the other hand may be in Denial of your having a problem to begin with... and, as psychologists say, "You cannot change what you do not acknowledge".

 

Ask your family members if they think you have anger management issues.

 

Your g/f may have spotted a Big Red Flag from your behavior that day in your bedroom, and has chosen to Pay Attention to it.... the fact that you blew up at her like that after only dating her for a month, speaks volumes to her... so, be honest with yourself... are you in control of your temper? Do you have a history of abusive problems?

Her reaction did not come out of thin air... it came because of what she saw in You. And if it is true, that you do have issues, it's not enough to simply hide them or ignore them, or tell her 'it's not like you' to react like that... you should rather tend to the Real Issue and change the way you react, not mask it.

 

That is, if you Do have a problem... think about it, check with friends and family members... heck... phone up all your ex-girlfriends and ask them outright. It could be helpful to you.

[NightLord1]

I have never struck a woman before in my life...and my family does not think i have anger issues i even asked both my sisters for their opinions and they said they don't think i do. Even my friends don't think i have anger problems

 

I apologized to her...and I told her i wanted to make it better and to let me show her i am not like that. She seemed to be coming around through the texts messages and when she had called me that Thursday night...but then she blew me off completely last saturday which i don't understand as i felt i didn't deserve to be completely blown off.

 

If she could have even sent "i can't make it can we try again?" text that would have been cool with me.

 

What bothered me about the fact that she couldn't get past it was that i heard her on the phone towards her son yelling at him and even saying "if you do not listen i am going to smack your ass." And that was AFTER what happened between me and her literally the next night after it happened.

 

I didn't say anything to her because quite frankly it wasn't my place she was disciplining her kid. But she lost her temper and it seemed to be OK with her to yell at her son like that but she couldn't get past me losing my cool for thirty seconds. She even accepted my apology.

 

As for the other girls i have dated i am still friends with all of them except for one. And they have all said in the past that they were the ones that messed up not me. They had all wanted another chance at some point and I declined because I didn't feel it would work again with them. Of course i didn't find out about any of that until typically a month later when they would finally come around to tell me they were sorry and wanted another shot but i chose to go my own way and try again.

 

Thanks for the reply

Regards

[Athena]

Hmm, well, it certainly sounds like you did all you could to put the situation right, and now that you say you Do NOT have an anger management problem, all I can say is that only she knows what she is thinking, but she aint telling!

 

Why? I guess because she doesn't really have a good reason... or maybe she has issues of her own that you do not know about yet... you haven't been dating for long.

Since your past six g/f's have all walked away from you sortof unfairly, perhaps you are choosing the wrong kind of girlfriend? Or perhaps you are coming across as too kind/wimpy/not confident enough? Is this a possibility? Women like their men to be confident, and perhaps your apologies put her into seeing you as 'weak' or 'soft' -- not that you are, but that she might be seeing you this way... I don't know, it's just a guess. Is it possible?

[NightLord1]

I only apologized the one time when last I saw her in person and that is when she said she accepted my apology but didn't feel the same as in "not being comfortable with me in my room." she said she still felt the same emotionally about me and still wanted to hang out which is another confusing and nebulous meaning.

 

She still wants to hang out but isn't comfortable with me and her alone in my room...i took it as "well i would like to hang out still but i don't want to get close to you right now because I am looking at other options."

 

Anyway after that time seeing her I left her alone unless she contacted me which she still was regularly up until that last Friday when she said she was cool with meeting up then i didn't hear from her.

 

I said what I had to say about the whole thing but i don't know could it be possible she is expecting me to beg and plead for her to come back? I know some people get off on the idea of people crawling back to them but that is something i just will not do.

Just a confusing situation that has bothered me a lot.

Thanks again

[Athena]

I said what I had to say about the whole thing but i don't know could it be possible she is expecting me to beg and plead for her to come back?

 

No I don't think so!

 

Perhaps you will have to let her go, or just be patient and see if she comes back. However, this may be a warning sign to you that she is a little 'odd' about things...

[NightLord1]

I decided to delete her number out of my phone just so I don't cave in and have the temptation to text her. I have her on my myspace but she is buried in my friend's list and i figure out of sight and out of mind so i won't be tempted to look at her page or contact her through there either.

 

Simply put she must have blown me off for a reason and there is only two I can think of.

 

One being she either feels guilty about something she has done or did and couldn't face me at all (which still doesn't explain why she can't send a simple text message to say she couldn't make it that day. Its not like it is face to face.)

 

Or she wants to be in control of this situation and was expecting me to send her something that Saturday saying "hey we still meeting up?" which i didn't and I am glad i did.

 

I remembered back when we were first talking she flat out asked me "do you like to be in charge?" i told her "i am normally a take charge type of person." and she said "ah ok." well that was probably within the first week of talking to her and it didn't come up again. But why would she even ask that question?

 

I can see if she is used to being controlled by men from her father in her child hood to other guys she has dated and when she saw a chance to take control here she grabbed it and is holding onto it.

 

I was pretty much in control of the whole relationship up until that night and then it switched to her having it because I was the one who was wanting to work things out and asking her to give me another chance to show her i wasn't like that. I mean in control btw in that I was calm, collected, and cool the entire time we talked and saw each other and didn't let anything get to me. She was the one being open telling me how much she loved this and that about me, how she wants to take care of me and my kid, etc.

 

So i really can't see any other reason for her silence besides that. The texts when we last talked were friendly and positive and it was left at that. Its like we both left the room with the door open and its just staying there like that.

 

But if she really wanted to talk to me she would and that really is all that it boils down to. I was the one who had hurt her in her mind so she will have to be the one to come forward if she wants to open up to me again. Nothing I can do or say will make it any different.

[silic0ntoad]

Sounds kind of shady to me bro. She may come around. A little blow up here and there isn't terrible. Was she abused by past BF's? If so, any minor blow up is magnified in her eyes.

[NightLord1]

Ya from my understanding from what she told me she had been. Most of the abuse she received from a male however was her father when she was young. Her and her dad have a good relationship now that she is an adult and she said he feels horrible for how he treated her but fact remains it did happen when she was young.

 

Either way i don't believe its really fair for her to say all she said to me and then don't give me another chance to show her i was just stressed out like mad hell that weekend and i had to vent. Sure it was wrong of me to yell at her like i did but thats i did was yell I did not strike her now would i ever hit her and I made the effort to make it right.

 

The fact she didn't give me that second chance so early into the relationship is what bothers me. I had asked her when i last i saw her "is there ANYTHING else that is making you feel this way?" she said "No...thats it."

 

So basically she doesn't want to get to know me better and realize for herself that isn't how i am...how else could she know that unless she spends more time with me? If it happens again then yes i can see why she would be even more reluctant to continue on but it only happened once and seeing how much it troubled her I would be much more careful with how I react with my anger in the future.

 

So ya i do believe it is much more then what she claims it is i just do not know for sure what it is because it could be anything.

 

But the fact remains she just seemed to walk away without a second thought about it. So IF she comes back around I may be the one to be hesitant to continue on with it because I'll be worried i'll be walking on eggshells with her every time something goes wrong because i'll be thinking she's going to run away again.

 

I don't know...just taking it day by day right now.

 

Thanks for replying,

[NightLord1]

I believe i may have come to a conclusion on my situation i didn't even see before.

 

I think it is possible that she blew me off that day because maybe she was worried if she were tell me she couldn't make it or that she wasn't ready to see me that I would get angry at her again and she didn't want to have that happen.

 

Maybe her continued silence could be because she is avoiding me and believes I am mad at her for not contacting her at all.

 

Just a thought I hadn't come across before...I thought maybe it could be because she was seeing someone else and she couldn't see me due to guilt but that still doesn't mean she can't send me a text saying she can't make it since that isn't face to face.

 

Also thought that maybe this could be a control issue where she is attempting to maintain control here by doing this but i'm not so sure on that now either.

 

Either way I'm just going to stay with NC and see what happens and if she comes forward or not. If she needs her time and space then i'm hoping by me not contacting her that it is a silent way of me saying I understand that she needs it and it isn't because i'm pissed at her.

 

It sucks because I know me and her would have a great relationship if she can just realize and accept that I am not like that and to give me another chance to show her...only way that can happen is if she spends more time with me.

 

We will see I guess.

[ScarLettIsle]

i have insomnia, therefore butting in on everyone's threads!!

 

u blew up in ur room? what is her personality type - whats her background??? family life EX's??? sounds like she was talkin to her girlz and they played it like u know how so n so was - u better cut this quick... but i need more specfics

[NightLord1]

I pretty much posted the whole story in the very first thread up on top Scarlet that really is how it happened and how it has been since.

 

You know...wouldn't surprise me if maybe one of her friends said "oh well if he blew up like that after only a week of being serious then there's no telling what he can do down the line..."

 

So ya it is a possibility but you know what? I KNOW i'm not like that and if she is letting people sway her one way or another then that isn't someone i want to be with.

 

Unfortunately i'm not so sure that is it...i have NO CLUE what it is exactly. Usually in the past relationships i have been in i somehow just KNOW what is going on...almost like a sixth sense. But in this situation i cannot seem to pin point it.

 

If you would like to add anything else i'd like to hear what you had to say Scarlet.

 

Thanks

[ScarLettIsle]

did i mention my adhd???? dag babe u got it BAD - and u need to talk/write it out ur in that WTF stage... yea... ok so she is how old - her son is how old??? and u been seeing her for how long before this?

[NightLord1]

did i mention my adhd???? dag babe u got it BAD - and u need to talk/write it out ur in that WTF stage... yea... ok so she is how old - her son is how old??? and u been seeing her for how long before this?

 

Exactly! It is indeed that WTF?? stage because I honestly have no clue what is going on. Everything seemed to be fine and looked to be on the road to recovery then when i had asked to meet up with her somewhere she said she was cool with it and would let me know the next day as to what time would be good for her. I never heard anything from her that day and still haven't and that was two weeks ago. (And no i have NOT contacted her in anyway)

 

She is 29 and her son is 9 years old. We were in the "Seeing each other" stage for about a month then made it "serious" that lasted a week before what went down happened.

 

Oh and I gave you the short version of that...you know cause of your ADHD and all

[ScarLettIsle]

u err went serious after a month???? (did u bump ur head)

 

ok so u hit a nerve - she had a kneejerk reaction when she realized u have the potential to be explosive (i did not say violent) even thou she emulates these traits herself to her own child...

 

everything u said after that is just a REPEAT of her past abusers and in her mind the explosion was MAGNIFIED - and therefore u are not the man she wants to be with

[NightLord1]

I don't doubt what your saying at all Scarlet...BUT i even asked her when all this had gone down that "you are comparing me with your past exes." she had said "no you are nothing like them." and i had said "then why are you being like this?" and she said "because it seems like you bottle up all your emotions but your temper."

 

That in itself is not true because she only saw me get that mad that ONE time...that was it.

 

I believe she could have issues about this stuff but I still find it completely weird that she had said all the things she had said to me and seemed to genuinely want the relationship SO much only to allow that one incident to be detrimental to the whole thing and not give me another chance to show her i am not like that.

 

She even told my buddy one time when we all hung out that she "wanted to take care of me and my kid." and my buddy told me she was asking him ALL these questions about me and was saying how great I seem to be etc. So ya I don't know if that really is the whole thing or not. She even said she still wanted hang out with me and DID NOT outright say she wanted to break up.

 

So again...confusion.

[ScarLettIsle]

sweetie u know "hang out" does not imply a relationship - it means i see ya when i see ya and we can chill if thats what we decide to do... its not prelude to anything deeper... either she had doubts about u prior to the incident and this just again magnified the "hang out" bulls^&* - or she found someone else she wants to hang out with and u are back up ergo not totally cutting connection with u...

[NightLord1]

Ya I know "hanging out" doesn't imply a relationship. That is why when she didn't get back to me about meeting up I haven't sent her jack and s h i t and jack left town so ya its been NOTHING from me for two weeks now.

 

I know full well if she was serious of wanting to get back with me she would let me know and she wouldn't let anyone stop her from doing it even herself.

 

Its just that I don't know the real exact reason in this situation that has me bothered the most.

[ScarLettIsle]

so now all we need u to do is get madd enough to stop caring what her reasons are - and realize u deserve better than that and duece her azz

[hoping2heal]

What you did was a dealbreaker for her. It turned her off to being with you in a relationship. You were stressed out, you took it out on her, you shouldn't have. You already know that, it happens to a lot of people, but for her specifically it is a deal breaker. It doesn't matter that you are sorry, or that it's something that most people have done themselves. For her, it was over and done at that point.

 

She should be much more decisive than she is being right now and just tell you that it is over, but she seems to be dilly dallying around that, unfortunately. You two simply aren't compatible. If you got stressed out and blew up once, you will probably do that again. She can't handle this, for whatever reason it's not something she can or will tolerate.

 

The smartest thing you can do is just put an end to this already, who knows when she is going to crap and get off the pot with this matter.

[NightLord1]

I just had something hit me like a ton of bricks about what could be happening here with her.

 

I began to think back from when we first started talking and there were subtle hints made that make me believe that she may have expected me to be the "nice guy" type who catered to her every whim and when I didn't do that she got mad.

 

A few examples I can think of are within a week of us talking she sent me text asking me "do you like to be in control if you are in a relationship?" i had said "i tend to be a take control type of person."

 

Another example is we had gone to get some ice cream and while we were waiting at the drive thru she had said "i would like a kiss." and I said "oh really? well how about you come over here and you will get one." And i said it with a smile so she knew I was teasing but she did lean over and we kissed.

 

Another time we were coming back home from our wisconsin trip weekend and we were in the car and my buddy was texting me. At one point i was brushing her inner forearm with my finger tips and she kept saying how much she liked it. Well whenever my buddy would text i would stop doing that with her to text him back. The last time he texted she said "you know your friend is interrupting my pleasure time." I looked over at her and said "oh ya? Well then I guess i'll be texting him for a LOOOOONG time." And again I said it with a smile so she knew i was teasing BUT i didn't cave in to her.

 

There was another time we were on the phone talking and she was at her friend's house who had a bunch of people over at the time. She kept interrupting me while i was in the middle of talking to talk to someone else and there were times when she didn't even say "hold on a sec." she would just trail off to talk to whoever. After FOUR times of this when she came back on the phone she said "go ahead sorry." i said "there's no point now." she said "i didn't mean to keep interrupting go ahead." I said "Honestly you know what I really do not like that because its rude and I don't appreciate it." I DID NOT yell i was calm and just said it in a normal tone. She went dead quiet and said "oh really? Seriously?" I said "yes...seriously." she said "wow I don't know really what to say...i said I was sorry and you know what...it will probably happen again." I said "well if thats the case then I guess we won't be talking on the phone then." She got really pissed about this but she seemed to drop it the next day...maybe she really didn't drop this one like I thought.

 

Anyway I am thinking that she was expecting me to be a wuss type of guy or someone with whom she could wrap around her finger and cater to her. When i wasn't doing that I'm thinking she was getting pissed and it just built up to when we had that blow out that one night.

 

It would make sense if this is what the deal is that she would blow me off. I'm thinking she did it on purpose to see if I would contact her and be all "Hey we still meeting up?" and when i didn't do that she got pissed again and maybe thought "you know f u c k him...i'll show him." and then we are were we are now with the no contact.

 

Once i look back at all those instances It really does make sense that is what it could be.

 

Any thoughts?