jphrn Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I am an OW who became involved with a MM 20 years ago. He had young children and didn't want a D. I ended the A 6 months after it started; I moved across the country. We didn't have any contact for 20 years. Fast forward to today-he's contacted me through the internet and although we live 2000 miles apart, he travels frequently to my state for business. We have started the A again. He's still with the BW. I think of him as a friend and lover, but am already tired of the sneaking around and lies. I don't know what to do.
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 20 years later, sorry, but this shouldn't be a big issue. You've healed and lived your own life for so long, why would you open the door again, knowing that he's still married? Are you married, do you have any children? I think deep down you know what you have to do.
Mino Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 well thats easy, go NC... I mean, damn, its been 20 YEARS, he is still married... So do you not get it? He is staying married. If 20 years didnt change anythig, nothing will. He is looking for some fun,, nothing more. Save yourself alot of heartach and let this go now. Or you will be posting with the rest of us who feel PAIN everyday, your choice, we can always use some company round here.
Author jphrn Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 No...I am not married and don't have any kids. I guess I don't understand why he would choose to contact me after all these years. He did briefly separate from BW but said he went back for the kids. I guess I was hoping that now the kids are grown, he would leave.
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 He reached out because he tested the waters to see if you were still interested in being his sidedish. Sorry to be blunt like that, I don't want to hurt your feelings..But if you stay with him, that's all you'll be. This has nothing to do with what he may feel for you - It's about him being selfish and getting what he wants. You deserve better and more, you'll just never get it from him since he still is married and has no intention of giving up 20+ years of marriage and life built with his wife. Have you had any boyfriends in the 20 years, or have you been pining for him all this time? Just wondering because for someone to come back into your life like he has, I'm kind of surprised that you weren't ANGRY as heck at him and insulted that he contacted you and is still married!
Mino Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 look, I am going to make this short and sweet.. He is still married. Does not matter if he left before, Does not matter why he stayed, Does not matter if your married, All does not matter. He is married. Tell him you will always have a place in your heart for him, and IF he is ever D, he can look you up. Forget all the drama, all the excuses, all the if"s, Bottom line, walk away and only see him if and when he is single and healed! trust me, you will regret it if you continue
whimsical_memory Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I am an OW who became involved with a MM 20 years ago. He had young children and didn't want a D. I ended the A 6 months after it started; I moved across the country. We didn't have any contact for 20 years. Fast forward to today-he's contacted me through the internet and although we live 2000 miles apart, he travels frequently to my state for business. We have started the A again. He's still with the BW. I think of him as a friend and lover, but am already tired of the sneaking around and lies. I don't know what to do. I think that by the fact you stated you are already tired of the sneaking around and lying, that you know what you should do. Sometimes we have to make the decisions that hurt our feelings the most in order to heal our spirits. You already have seen that he is not going to leave his wife, and now 20 years later he no longer has the excuse of small children. I feel for you and hope that you make the right choice. You deserve so much better than to settle for once again being someones second choice.
fooled once Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 No...I am not married and don't have any kids. I guess I don't understand why he would choose to contact me after all these years. He did briefly separate from BW but said he went back for the kids. I guess I was hoping that now the kids are grown, he would leave. He is USING you. And you are ALLOWING it. If you don't want to be the OW, stop having contact with a MARRIED man.
norajane Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I don't know what to do. Yes, you do. End it now. Not only is he still married, but he travels for work. If he's willing to cheat on his wife with you while on his travels, you can BET everything you own that he's also got some other OW's lined up in the other cities he travels too. Or whoever is willing...flight attendants, hotel clerks, women he meets in the hotel bar, co-workers. That's how cheating traveling businessmen roll once they realize it's so much safer to cheat away from home where they are far less likely to get caught, and OW is less likely to expect anything from him. The cheating traveling businessmen don't even feel guilty about any of it. End it now. And get tested for STD's, because you KNOW he's screwing other women on his business trips.
NoIDidn't Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I agree with what everyone has written so far. I just think that the "I don't know what to do" feeling is based on the fact that's she practically waited for 20 years for him to come back around, and now that he has - she doesn't want to walk away this time. I mean, this time, could be THE time that he actually leaves and stays with her. The kids are grown. Surely, they don't need to have their parents stay together anymore. Surely, its not about the kids now. And he could have contacted ANYONE for a sidepiece, but he CHOSE the OP because of a previous connection! Why did he come back if he didn't plan on staying this time? He knows why the A ended the first time, so it has to be part of his plan to leave knowing what he knows. He couldn't possibly be planning to use me as a layover spot when he's in my area on business?! He wouldn't do that with our history and connection, right? Okay, sarcasm aside, OP, I hope you can see the folly with the line of thought I just outlined.
jj33 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 JPRN sadly its classic. Just tell him to get the f out of your life if he doesnt have any more to offer than he did 20 years ago. he know how you felt then he should NEVER have come back without more to offer. the fact that he did show disrespect more than anything else. if he couldnt forget you, he could write you or call you etc. hes chosen to stay married if hes serious about leaving, the proof is in the pudding as they say. Ive had to throw xMM back more times than Id like to count. Its really insulting. Why do they think the passage of time will make you change your mind... it wont if you know what you want for yourself. And being alone is better than being with someone who is offering you nothing. Dont let the lonliness and the idea that this could be as good as it gets or that maybe once your connection is reestablished he will leave allow you to stay in something that will eat at your self-esteem.
NoIDidn't Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 the fact that he did show disrespect more than anything else. if he couldnt forget you, he could write you or call you etc. hes chosen to stay married if hes serious about leaving, the proof is in the pudding as they say. I didn't think of that. Good insight. It is, or should be, offensive not flattering that he allowed 20 years of silence to go by and just thinks he's going to walk back because its convenient to him (he works in her town occasionally?). Ive had to throw xMM back more times than Id like to count. Its really insulting. Why do they think the passage of time will make you change your mind... it wont if you know what you want for yourself. Not only MM do this. Just players in general. They seem to have short memories so they think everyone else does too. And being alone is better than being with someone who is offering you nothing. So true, but these guys really think that they are offering you the world. They think the world of themselves and that any woman, especially one they've had before, would be happy with just a piece of them. You're so right. It should be insulting.
jj33 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I dont want to t/j but it made my blood boil. How dare he make overtures only for them to be hot air. Finally I lost it and kicked his azz into next week (verbally with lots of the f word as in who the f do you think you are and dont you EVER try that again). And he hasnt. It NOT flattering. Its nice to know someone cares about you if in fact they do but flattering? If its love its not flattering. Im not sure what the word is but its not flattering. And there is NOTHING flattering about an old lover coming back and asking you to be an f buddy, even if you have feelings for each other and even if in some other time some other place you would have been more to each other. For someone to walk in years later, they better not just be checking that your standards havent dropped... (at least that is my view) and just to add - its not that unusual but it shows a real narcissistic tendency and its SO insulting when I was in my 30s someone I had dated years before was living elsewhere and was in NY for business. He looked me up and said offered me dinner and more. I declined and he explained to me that when a woman hits her 30s she has far less opportunities for intimacy if shes not married - I never spoke to him again. What the f??? Some men think that way. they think if you are alone you must be hard up and would be grateful:sick: for the chance.... Tell him to go away and stay away and call his W if he gets lonely while hes out of town...
crystal_lostheart Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 He has nothing to offer you..... He didn't then, he doesn't now..... Walk away
stillafool Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I am an OW who became involved with a MM 20 years ago. He had young children and didn't want a D. I ended the A 6 months after it started; I moved across the country. We didn't have any contact for 20 years. Fast forward to today-he's contacted me through the internet and although we live 2000 miles apart, he travels frequently to my state for business. We have started the A again. He's still with the BW. I think of him as a friend and lover, but am already tired of the sneaking around and lies. I don't know what to do. So now that his children are grown is he going to get a divorce?
mystiblue Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Hi, sorry you are in such a dilemna. If it helps at all, I just broke it off with my mm, so I understand what that kind of pain is. You know what you need to do, but you don't wanna deal with the pain. But what's worse.... living in constant limbo and being sad/worried/upset all the time or having back your control? I've chosen to take back my control, even though I feel like I'm dying. Good luck to you and know that others understand.
Reggie Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Aside from the issue of whether he just wants a hookup or whatever, how do you feel about the morality of this? Have you considered the effects of his infidelity on his wife and children's mental and emotional well being? How did you feel about having had an affair with him previously? Did it bother your conscience all these year? If so, do you want to have to deal with it , again? If it doesn't bother you from this standpoint, then , you have to also deal with his lack of integrity and the aftermath of having to deal with his family's reaction toward you, should they find out.
WARREN86 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 you just need to stay away from that messy situation. he says he's unhappy w/ the wife yet he's still w/ her after all these years. he's being selfish & he probably knows that he can get away w/ it since he did in once upon a time in his life with you. stick w/ nc & move on w/ your life. it was ok for the past 20 years w/o him & will continue to be for the upcoming years of your life. don't waste time on someone who can't give himself 100%.
Devil Inside Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I know it is hard...this guy obviously will always have a space in your heart. He, however, is still not available. He probably never will be. You know what you have to do...I know it will open up old wounds and will hurt...but you gotta let him go...again.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 He contacted you again because .... Most women won't get involved in relationships with married men. So, it can be challenging to find an affair partner. Not only does he need someone willing, but also someone with the ability to use discretion, someone who he can visit when its convenient for him but far enough away he and wife wont run into her, a single woman without a suspicious H is best. He already knows you, you live out of town, you dont have a H, and have previously proved somewhat willing. Add to that the fact that most men his age spend a lot of time trying to recapture their youth... No mystery.
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