foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I have the receipts, phone records, etc...I have a calendar marked with every date they got a hotel, went to lunch, had drinks etc.....the beginning of their A is coming up, and the month of August is marked with big black boxes around the dates..as the 9 months go by, the black squares increase....I obsess over the dates...while my H can barely remember when he did what. He says something innocuous, and I fly to my folder of evidence amd see what I was doing or what he was doing with her on whatever date I trigger about- We want to R. I want to heal. But do I shred or burn the evidence? I do not want a divorce. What did you do with it? Do you regret getting rid of it?..or does getting rid of it help you rid yourself of it mentally? I want to rid myself of it, but keeping it somehow keeps me in the past..help me free myself..I need to know it is okay to get rid of this.. I just dont want to be a fool again...either by keeping it or ridding myself of it.. I so appreciate this forum and those of you who help.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 What would keeping the evidence accomplish for you? Mr. Lucky
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 What would keeping the evidence accomplish for you? Mr. Lucky great question... let's see, keeping it will accomplish: -me continuing to have a place to obess -me being able to continue torturing myself -me continuing to torture my H with dates he doesn't even remember what happened on -me being able to 'hold' the pain - me being a friggin idiot! BURN BURN BURN BABY BURN!! Okay i am shredding this ****..then i will burn it with H tonite...I thought I wanted him to see each page as it burns, but that was to inflict more pain on him..I figured yes you bastard, see all this crap? See all these texts messages and phone calls, and hotels and on and on... thanks Mr Lucky....I needed that
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Great! Shred it and forget it. Has your husband shown you true remorse for his cheating? Has he done his best not only in words but in actions to prove that he can be trustworthy again? Is he working on himself, as well as putting you first? If so, then it's time to stop obsessing and let go of the anger and pain. Staying in that spot isn't and hasn't been healthy for you, the marriage or reconnecting again as a couple.
norajane Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I'd box it up and throw it in the basement. In case he cheats again and you need the evidence for your divorce settlement battle. But, I'm not the trusting, forgive and forget kind. I'd have divorced him instead of torturing myself with the attempt to reconcile, torturing myself with the attempt to forgive and swallow the betrayal. And, of course he doesn't remember the dates or what he was doing! He was so busy lying to you at that time, there's no way he can remember what actually happened in amongst all the lies!
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Great! Shred it and forget it. Has your husband shown you true remorse for his cheating? YES Has he done his best not only in words but in actions to prove that he can be trustworthy again? YES, but I trusted him before so I am gunshy Is he working on himself, as well as putting you first? Yes, he is in IC and MC and reads as much stuff as me If so, then it's time to stop obsessing and let go of the anger and pain. THANK YOU this is good advise Staying in that spot isn't and hasn't been healthy for you, the marriage or reconnecting again as a couple. are you are WS or BS??
jwi71 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Keep the evidence. You may dispose of it in 10 years. You never know if you WILL need it later...say to prove he had an A to begin with during divorce proceedings. I agree with Norajane on this one. Box it and forget it. (Because the issue isn't the paperwork my dear...its you)
sally4sara Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Honestly, has anyone on LS caught their spouse cheating AND had hard evidence to back it up AND been able to use it in court? I've always wondered about this. So many states are "no fault", I'm doubtful the courts would want to look at her evidence box unless maybe, she is in one of the states that isn't no fault.
norajane Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I have no idea. But I'd sure give it to my lawyer to figure out if he can apply pressure to get a better settlement from the cheater. You don't always have to go to court and have a judge decide a settlement. It can be done between the parties and their lawyers. Or maybe when faced with the big box of evidence and receipts from all those dinners and flowers and motel rooms where the cheater spent OUR income on his affair partner, he might have enough guilt to fork over some extra settlement money.
bentnotbroken Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I boxed it up and gave it to a good friend to keep. Glad I did, I needed so did her BS.
Spark1111 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I kept it. I no longer obsess over it. But it is a part of my life, and as such, is boxed and somewhat forgotten. Included in it are hundreds of emails we wrote to each other, some painful, some loving, all seeking points of healing, and truth.
RedDevil66 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I say put it in a large beautiful frame and place it over the fireplace so that he can remember the dates. Why go through torture alone!
NoIDidn't Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I say keep it, but not somewhere that you can read it over and over and over again. And make a note to get rid of it in about 10 years.
aeh Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Just curious on the text messages...my H used his work cell phone for all his texts. Guess there's no way I can ever get a record of them...can you actually see what the texts said? I am sure it would make me absolutely crazy...
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Just curious on the text messages...my H used his work cell phone for all his texts. Guess there's no way I can ever get a record of them...can you actually see what the texts said? I am sure it would make me absolutely crazy... AEH YOu can only see the text messages if you see them on the phone..phone companies no longer keep them..they purge them often.....in th eevent you went to court, you need a court order to get them, however, they would have to be recent b/c as I said, they purge them. And dont read them...I made that mistake and they are burned in my memory. and it hurts to remember what they said to each other...m H never said I love you however he did flirt and say things that of course are inappropriate..and MOW was pathetic and oh so over the top with hers, makes me sick BARF
Dreamer_RN Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 May I also suggest counseling? I live in a state where adultery can be grounds for divorce...just make sure you don't live in a glass house. I am going through a divorce right now from a man who could not stay faithful to me or any of his other wives (and there were 3 before me). I know...why would I think I would be different?? We made it 15 years, but he had at least 2 affairs that I know of and probably more that I don't. If you are committed to the marriage, then the two of you need professional help to get over this hurdle...I am rooting for you!!
utterer of lies Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I have the receipts, phone records, etc...I have a calendar marked with every date they got a hotel, went to lunch, had drinks etc.....the beginning of their A is coming up, and the month of August is marked with big black boxes around the dates..as the 9 months go by, the black squares increase....I obsess over the dates...while my H can barely remember when he did what. He says something innocuous, and I fly to my folder of evidence amd see what I was doing or what he was doing with her on whatever date I trigger about- We want to R. I want to heal. But do I shred or burn the evidence? I do not want a divorce. What did you do with it? Do you regret getting rid of it?..or does getting rid of it help you rid yourself of it mentally? I want to rid myself of it, but keeping it somehow keeps me in the past..help me free myself..I need to know it is okay to get rid of this.. I just dont want to be a fool again...either by keeping it or ridding myself of it.. I so appreciate this forum and those of you who help. Put it in a bank vault, so if you ever change your mind about the divorce, it's still available, but you're not tempted to constantly look at it.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 May I also suggest counseling? I live in a state where adultery can be grounds for divorce...just make sure you don't live in a glass house. I am going through a divorce right now from a man who could not stay faithful to me or any of his other wives (and there were 3 before me). I know...why would I think I would be different?? We made it 15 years, but he had at least 2 affairs that I know of and probably more that I don't. If you are committed to the marriage, then the two of you need professional help to get over this hurdle...I am rooting for you!! Four wives and he cheated on every single one of them!! And even after LOSING his first three wives to Infidelity, he STILL chose to cheat in your marriage?! WTF You see -- some people are Cheaters, no matter what they lose in the process --as long as they don't lose their Dicks they'll cheat! BTW you are not alone... my H has cheated on two wives, and I am pretty sure he will cheat on all his future wives too (this man cannot not be married).
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 May I also suggest counseling? I live in a state where adultery can be grounds for divorce...just make sure you don't live in a glass house. I am going through a divorce right now from a man who could not stay faithful to me or any of his other wives (and there were 3 before me). I know...why would I think I would be different?? We made it 15 years, but he had at least 2 affairs that I know of and probably more that I don't. If you are committed to the marriage, then the two of you need professional help to get over this hurdle...I am rooting for you!! Thanks Dreamer! We are both in IC and MC...it has for sure helped.
aeh Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 You're right, foreal. I am sure they would be indelibly burned in my brain. On phone records (bills), does it list all numbers that you receive texts from/text to?
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 You're right, foreal. I am sure they would be indelibly burned in my brain. On phone records (bills), does it list all numbers that you receive texts from/text to? on the paper bill it does not (we have Verizon so I am not sure about your carrier) it just says how many texts were sent and received, but online bills have the details..you can see who sent and when, and who received and when.....just not the actual message.... I think text messaging has facilitated a lot of cheating to begin....and then helps them stay connected (or as I like to think of it, she was like a dog humping your leg and it was difficult to shake her off, her texting was OUT OF CONTROL, she texted him 5-6 times for every one of his back to her....they also get cheaters caught! On another site, specifically for the OW, the OW there are always warning each other to watch out for the texts b/c the nosey wives may check them...the nerve of that wife haha!! pathetic poachers they are (and yes, WHs are pathetic too) AEH, how are YOU doing?? Is your H doing the right things? I hope you are well, as well as can be...
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I copied and gave the extra copies to the OWs ex-husband. My originals are in a safety deposit box, even though we've been divorced for over two years. I throw nothing out that's got even a hint of legal, financial or tax ramifications, even past the 7 year record keeping requirements. I've finally shredded my evidence of bills paid, from 10 years ago.
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