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Has NC from the OW actually caused the MM get a divorce and come back?

wiseup

By wiseup
in The Other Man / Woman

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wiseup Member

wiseup

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I know NC is for the OW to move on. But just curious if NC has ever made MM feel he made a huge mistake. And how long did it take?

Awakening Member

Awakening

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Be careful what you wish for...your inquiry fits my situation. Problem is I have gotten over him after much hard work. He is already divorced but went back and lived with BW for a year. Now he's left her again and is coming on way too strong with me right now. All it's doing for me at this point is putting me emotionally right back into the drama that I tried so hard to leave behind.

 

My belief is that if we reconcile, as soon as the "newness" wears off, he will be back at the ex's door.

 

I'm also very remorseful for what I've done and I WILL NOT hurt his ex again.

 

I think it's just too late now.

Lucky_One Established Member

Lucky_One

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No.

 

NC has given a MM time and space to examine his life and his marriage and see if his relationship with his wife is what he believes a lifetime partnership should be.

 

But the only thing that makes a MM get a divorce is the realization that he wants his marriage to end. NC with the OW doesn't do that; he can come to that conclusion on his own, regardless of how often he sees or talks to OW.

MistyK Established Member

MistyK

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The thing is, I don't think anyone should go NC just for the chance it might work as manipulation. In order for NC to get you anywhere (either for the OW to move on from MM or to give MM a chance to examine his life without OW and reconsider his choices) you have to be ready to let MM go. Completely. If he doesn't miss the you enough to change his life, then he was never going to anyway, and you waste no more of your life. It's a leap of faith that you will be happier either way. I've read numerous stories that on the occasion that MM leaves his W comes back to the OW, it's slow - 6 months to a year.

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wiseup Member

wiseup

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The thing is, I don't think anyone should go NC just for the chance it might work as manipulation. In order for NC to get you anywhere (either for the OW to move on from MM or to give MM a chance to examine his life without OW and reconsider his choices) you have to be ready to let MM go. Completely. If he doesn't miss the you enough to change his life, then he was never going to anyway, and you waste no more of your life. It's a leap of faith that you will be happier either way. I've read numerous stories that on the occasion that MM leaves his W comes back to the OW, it's slow - 6 months to a year.

 

Yeah, I agree. From the stories I've read, it does take a long time - 6 months to a year - when and if a MM comes back after NC. It's so funny though cuz I think the average time for a dumper to come back is usually around the 2 month mark and of course the dumper is not married. I've had exes come crawling back almost exactly 2 months after NC. I guess being married and having someone you don't totally find unattractive(as are most cases for MM and their Ws) make MM take longer to realize what they have lost.

crystal_lostheart Established Member

crystal_lostheart

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I walked away from MM to get on with my life......He came back not too long after - seperated from his W. I was so angry at him for what he put me through and angry at myself for letting myself get into such a situation.

 

We are working through things slowly. It is not easy at all. So for those of you that think when they leave it becomes better - you are living a fairytail. It actually became worse for me at first. Be careful what you wish for.....

 

I have made a choice to work on things with him but now I will ALWAYS have my say and he knows that. I don't hold back about my feelings. They need to know that what they (we) did was wrong and to live a better life they cannot keep making those sorts of mistakes. It is hard...very hard and emotionally exhausting- but if you can see the light (like I can now) then you make a choice whether you want to stick it out or not

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

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Me and my MM went through 3 break-ups...

 

Really it was LC the 1st and 2nd time. He would send me these "oh so sad" emails and I would always reply with whatever wonderful thing that was going on in my life and how happy I was.

 

He got really pissed and deleted that email account. :)

 

Then after 2 months, he texted me that he had told her it was over. He was leaving by the end of the year.

 

So, we got back together. He really changed during that time. Made me feel like I had made the right decision getting back together with him.

 

But then came the 3rd break-up we'd gotten into a fight and I had asked him his intentions. He said he couldn't do it by the end of the year. I said well, I won't be with a MM any longer. We broke up. I was ready to move on, for good, and he knew it. So after 2 weeks, he said he wanted us to work, he was ready to do it for good. That he couldn't live like this anymore, it wasn't right. And he started the process and they were separated by the beginning of February the next year.

 

The thing with NC is, you have to consider it a break up. Every time I ended it, I ended it with the belief that we were over and I was moving on. I didn't consider it forcing his hand. He knew all about my qualities and he knew that I would find someone else and I would be lost to him forever. And he didn't want that. So he did what he needed to do.

 

I honestly believe and I know it from experience, they will not just leave if you are understanding and a doormat. They leave when they realize if they don't, you're gone. But it's not really about leaving. It should be about stopping the hurt, ending the lies.

 

I am so glad that my H is a good person. He did a bad thing, he hurt people and he knows that and he's doing his best to make amends.

 

Them leaving, is honestly just the beginning.

 

GEL

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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The thing with NC is, you have to consider it a break up. Every time I ended it, I ended it with the belief that we were over and I was moving on.

 

This is the difference between you and many other OW here on LS. And I mean no offense to anyone by this, I'm just being honest.. Most, and this goes for some OM as well, aren't really ready to let go and be in the mindset of moving on, reguardless of what the MM or MW does.

Devil Inside Established Member

Devil Inside

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MY OW broke it off with me about two months ago. The good thing is I now have to consider what I want based on the prospect of being alone and not moving on to her. I don't know if I'll get a second chance if I divorce my wife, so I can't make the decision based on that. I think NC is the only way to go that can end in a healthy result. Either he leaves and you can have a relationship with an unmarried man if you want. Or you have the time under your belt to heal, work on you, and find somebody healthy to be with.

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

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Yeah, I agree. From the stories I've read, it does take a long time - 6 months to a year - when and if a MM comes back after NC. It's so funny though cuz I think the average time for a dumper to come back is usually around the 2 month mark and of course the dumper is not married. I've had exes come crawling back almost exactly 2 months after NC. I guess being married and having someone you don't totally find unattractive(as are most cases for MM and their Ws) make MM take longer to realize what they have lost.

 

 

Its not the "having someone" part that keeps them there longer. Its all the history and entertwined family. And if they have kids, fugetaboutit, that's the ultimate life entanglement.

 

Single guys aren't concerned about relationships with in-laws, their kids other family members. So of course, they try to weasel their way back in as soon as they think the dust has settled.

 

NC with a married guy should take a long time. He has a lot to think about and plan for. But if he really doesn't want a divorce, no amount of NC is going to change that.

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wiseup Member

wiseup

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[quote=NoIDidn't;2308593

NC with a married guy should take a long time. He has a lot to think about and plan for. But if he really doesn't want a divorce, no amount of NC is going to change that.

 

So true!! He has to want a divorce himself first, with or without the OW. But then again I was told that MM tend to leave their Ws if they know they have someone, i.e. the OW, to run to, u know, a backup choice for them so they wouldn't be utterly alone when and if they really do decide to leave their marriage. And how is NC from the OW gonna help speed up the process? From the NC, MM know that their safety net is gone. If he divorces his W, he'll be alone. Having a W and especially in my xMM's case I know they have a pretty active sex life(being that we are all very young, around 25) is better than being alone.

 

But I guess I'll just do my part. NC for life. At least that's my mindset right now.

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