bonbless Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 If you are trying to save a marriage from an affair, there are a few things that you can do to ensure that the affair never happens in the first place. Affairs do not usually transpire overnight. There are underlying issues that lead to one spouse or the other having an affair. Some of these causes can be avoided with a little effort on each parties' part. One thing that a couple can do is to establish boundaries concerning friendships outside the marriage. Some people do not see the harm in sleeping around. If you value your marriage and do not want to those vows tainted by an affair, do not hang out with those who do not have those same values. Do not be timid in this area. Friends influence us more than we may realize. In many cases, friendships can make or break our marriage. Boundaries to consider and agree on between you and your spouse are: 1. No going anywhere alone with a friend of the opposite sex. 2. Find same sex friends that share similar ideals about relationships. 3. Be couple friends with happy, well grounded couples. Disagreements arise even in the best of marriages. Learn to pick your fights. Some things are just not worth fighting over. You may not like your spouse's opinion or actions in a given situation, but unless it is vitally important to you, let it go. When an issue arises that is important to you, take a breath and think before you lash out. Be courteous and listen to what he/she has to say. This is not to say that you have to be a doormat and give in to everything, just those things that are not high on your list of priorities. Value yourself, take care of you. Make sure that your spouse does get to see you in something other than sweats. Exercise and eat healthy so that you have maximum energy to offer to your spouse when you get to the date night part of the week. Save the sexy underwear for date night, too. If you are attracted to someone at work, wear the everyday, comfortable, ratty undies to work. That will serve to curb the temptation. Always talk positively about your spouse. If your marriage is going through some rough waters, avoid sharing the details with even close friends or relatives. Positive statements can also spill over into the argument territory and cause you to rethink your position in the fight. Lastly, say 'I love you' as often as possible.
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Always talk positively about your spouse. If your marriage is going through some rough waters, avoid sharing the details with even close friends or relatives. Positive statements can also spill over into the argument territory and cause you to rethink your position in the fight. The 'foot in the door' of an Affair often happens when a man and a woman start confiding in each other about the state of their respective love lives with a spouse or SO. This bonding often starts an emotional affair. Bottom line is don't discuss your M with an opposite sex member at work, especially if you find them attractive. That was my H's modus operandi -- he would become the OW's confidant and 'advise' them on their lives, since he was older and more experienced, and had a 'successful and happy marriage'.
seibert253 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 If you are trying to save a marriage from an affair, there are a few things that you can do to ensure that the affair never happens in the first place. Affairs do not usually transpire overnight. There are underlying issues that lead to one spouse or the other having an affair. Some of these causes can be avoided with a little effort on each parties' part. One thing that a couple can do is to establish boundaries concerning friendships outside the marriage. Some people do not see the harm in sleeping around. If you value your marriage and do not want to those vows tainted by an affair, do not hang out with those who do not have those same values. Do not be timid in this area. Friends influence us more than we may realize. In many cases, friendships can make or break our marriage. Boundaries to consider and agree on between you and your spouse are: 1. No going anywhere alone with a friend of the opposite sex. 2. Find same sex friends that share similar ideals about relationships. 3. Be couple friends with happy, well grounded couples. Disagreements arise even in the best of marriages. Learn to pick your fights. Some things are just not worth fighting over. You may not like your spouse's opinion or actions in a given situation, but unless it is vitally important to you, let it go. When an issue arises that is important to you, take a breath and think before you lash out. Be courteous and listen to what he/she has to say. This is not to say that you have to be a doormat and give in to everything, just those things that are not high on your list of priorities. Value yourself, take care of you. Make sure that your spouse does get to see you in something other than sweats. Exercise and eat healthy so that you have maximum energy to offer to your spouse when you get to the date night part of the week. Save the sexy underwear for date night, too. If you are attracted to someone at work, wear the everyday, comfortable, ratty undies to work. That will serve to curb the temptation. Always talk positively about your spouse. If your marriage is going through some rough waters, avoid sharing the details with even close friends or relatives. Positive statements can also spill over into the argument territory and cause you to rethink your position in the fight. Lastly, say 'I love you' as often as possible. Well said. Best ounce of prevention I've heard in a while
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 The 'foot in the door' of an Affair often happens when a man and a woman start confiding in each other about the state of their respective love lives with a spouse or SO. This bonding often starts an emotional affair. Bottom line is don't discuss your M with an opposite sex member at work, especially if you find them attractive. That was my H's modus operandi -- he would become the OW's confidant and 'advise' them on their lives, since he was older and more experienced, and had a 'successful and happy marriage'. This is very good advice.
utterer of lies Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 blah blah blah It's actually much simpler. Don't f*ck anyone but your husband/wife.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 It's actually much simpler. Don't f*ck anyone but your husband/wife. LOL Yeah, true, but what about the ones that have Emotional Affairs?
utterer of lies Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 LOL Yeah, true, but what about the ones that have Emotional Affairs? Hmm, yeah that's more tricky. Anyway, I never really got EAs...you get the betrayal, but not the sex?
WalkInThePark Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 But what is the chicken and the egg? People can force themselves to comply with those 3 points but if within themselves they feel that their needs are not met in their couple, I think there is a good chance they will stray anyway. Not going anywhere alone with a friend of the opposite sex? If a spouse is truly happy in their marriage, that should not cause a problem. I have spend time with friends of the opposite sex, of whom I knew the wives. I went with them to some social occasion because their wife could not attend. These were guys who were happily married and never did any make a pass at me (and neither I at them).
ednadean Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 1. No going anywhere alone with a friend of the opposite sex. personally, I think this point is a little too constrictive to be workable with some people and an actually lead to feelings of "being trapped" and LEAD to affairs. Also -- I think it shows a distinct lack of trust in your partner. Just my two cents
bentnotbroken Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 personally, I think this point is a little too constrictive to be workable with some people and an actually lead to feelings of "being trapped" and LEAD to affairs. Also -- I think it shows a distinct lack of trust in your partner. Just my two cents No it shows complete respect of your spouse not to give them even an ounce of doubt or the appearance of impropriety.
misternoname Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I'd like to add "don't marry someone from a disfunctional family." I made that mistake...married a girl with major family issues...father died when she was young, mother had zero parenting skills, 6 older siblings with drug issues, teenage pregnancy, run ins with the law, dropping out of school, alcoholic step father, etc, etc. i spent most of my adulthood trying to "fix" her but I was neither qualified nor the appropriate person to help her work through her issues. She spent our entire marriage seeking approval from other men and trying to hide her demons by trying to be somebody that she's not. After four affairs I finally threw in the towel. I think everyone deserves a chance to drag themselves out of a difficult past but at some point one has to draw the line. My line "crossing" resulted in the ending of a 24 year marriage.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 But what is the chicken and the egg? People can force themselves to comply with those 3 points but if within themselves they feel that their needs are not met in their couple, I think there is a good chance they will stray anyway. Not going anywhere alone with a friend of the opposite sex? If a spouse is truly happy in their marriage, that should not cause a problem. I have spend time with friends of the opposite sex, of whom I knew the wives. I went with them to some social occasion because their wife could not attend. These were guys who were happily married and never did any make a pass at me (and neither I at them). I've never had my home or car broken into. I can count plenty of times that I mistakenly forgot to lock my car and home and had no problems. Thing is though, if I chose not to protect myself then eventually it probably will happen. To be safe though, I lock my car and home at night since they are not something I care to jeapordize.
soserious1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 A lot of this sounds good, however the "ratty underwear" sorry but I don't own ratty underwear, never have, never will. My momma always warned me to be sure my undies were in good condition, lest I be in an accident and be taken to an ER. As to the friends thing, I work in a profession were people forge close knit working relationships that span decades, countries etc. I have no problem with married people have opposite sex friendships, the problem arises IMHO only when there is sneaking and hiding. My friendships have always been above board and transparent.
JamesM Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 This all sounds so great and right out of a book. Hey, I have even said it myself. So, the big question.... we all "know" it is wrong to have an affair, but when one person decides that sex is no longer necessary for marriage, then what? Is that not cheating your partner when he or she has committed to being faithful? So what is the next step? Divorce?
badeth09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 When two people with different interests and opposing manners live under the same roof, there are lot of problems that may arise. Unfortunately, more often than not those problems lead to a divorce. We can always find marriage and [/url]divorce advice everywhere, but they are hard to apply in everyday life. In order to save your marriage today you have to start with taking responsibility for your part in the marriage breakdown. Whenever problems come knocking, you shouldn't point finger to your spouse because you share a part in the difficulties you and your spouse are currently facing. Compromise is key to keeping your marriage together, so learn how to shift your stance on important issues sometimes, so there's less stress between you two.
Recommended Posts