hopefulguy Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I wrote a thread before about my situation. But here is an updated version with more perspective. Me and my ex were together for 5 years. We are both 22 years old now. Obviously within these 5 years, we were madly and deeply in love. We grew up together, had the perfect connection, had the same friends, knew eachothers families well. Talked about marraige and kids and that we knew we were the one for eachother. We brought out the inner child in eachother. No one knows us like we do. It was perfect and everyone was so jealous of us. We were proud to call eachother soulmates. However, the break up happened about 2 months ago. She broke up with me because she started having doubts and she was scared. She said its amazing she wants to spend of her life with someone but its also a scary thing. Her main reason for the breakup is that she wants to focus on herself, find herself, and wants to figure out what she wants. I know alot of people go through this stage, especially a woman in their early 20's. We never lie to eachother, even though were not together. She said shes not at all interested in dating anyone and she wants to be by herself and signle right now. We had LC for the last 2 months. Periods of NC about every 2 weeks. Another main reason for the breakup is that she wants to find out if im the one or not. She's the 3rd girl ive been with and i know shes the one for me because i can compare it to others. But for her, im her very first boyfriend and i understand how shes feeling, I told her that i completely understand, and i do. She said its hard that she has to risk true love but she just has things that she needs to figure out. She wants to find herself and yes dating is something she wants to experience. Shes a beautiful girl that many people have things to offer her, she deserves the best. She siad maybe it's me all along, maybe not, but let her figure it out. She told me to move on and not wait, as I am going to...after realizing and knowing for sure we are not going to get back together in the near future. She has to grow and if she comes back in the future, she comes back. She is not at all selfish and she really does love me but doesnt want to hurt me. She doesnt want me to waste my life waiting on her if she ends up not coming back. After 2 months of clearing out my head. I feel alot better knowing that we are not getting back together in the near future. It still hurts like nothing ive ever experience still, but my mind doesnt linger as much about reconcilation. The dilemma here is...we both love eachother, but we know we cannot be together right now. Maybe we wont ever be, maybe were meant to be together in the future, but not now. But she said a few guys have tried to ask her out but she declined. She is not interested at all. Somehow the discussion of sex came about. We discussed about being friends with benefits. I KNOW its a bad idea. Her friends told her not to because it will string me along. But trust me, it wont...when people say their situations are diff, maybe it really is diff and you have to realize that only the 2 involved truly know and feel the situation. She said she wouldnt have sex because it would string me along or she would want to get back together. I told her if she asked i would say no. And I mean that. The reason for the breakup would still be there and it would happen again. But we both admitted that we want it, that we dont want to have sex or be involved with anyone else. Not at this time. Far in the future maybe. We will be doing NC, no catching up or hanging out. But im guessing we would just contact eachother when one of us wants it? I dont know we've never done this before. I dont know if thats considered NC. LOL its very confusing. My questions are.... 1. What do you think of my situation, she told me just the other day when we had our final discussion that it was true love that we had and she'll never forget what we had but we have to move forward and see where life brings us. As you see, our connection and communication is far beyond any relationship that I know of, of my friends. Is this strong bond something that may bring us together in the future? 2. What do you think about the sex part of it? We both have human needs but are comfortable with eachother. Is it ok to have sex knowing we love eachother, but as long as we know it wont turn into reconciliation? THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND THOUGHTS!!
love_fool Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I can relate so much to you! My bf and I broke up the first time around with the exact same reasons: he was lost and confused, finding himself and wanting to do it alone. I was exactly like you, still had feelings and missed the sex. That was three months ago, and although we got back together we know we're not meant to be. He's still as lost and confused as ever. At first it seems that hooking up won't string much along, but really it does. Lust and love and so different, and it will end up making you both confused. She needs to let go because it's better for her, you have to accommodate that. Love waits for the right moment, and you both are still young and although it might not make sense to you right now, if you love her you have to let her find her way. NC would be a great idea, it would give you both the space needed to think about it and move on with life. I'm here for you, feeling the same.. but please, don't give in to the sexual desires with her! You both don't need to suffer.
love_fool Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I must add that maybe it was intended for you to meet her, as a best friend. There are many reasons, for going through this, and just maybe she's the one that will open you up to what's truly lying out there for you. Time will tell! In my case I think my bf and I found each other to be best friends.
northstar1 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I wrote a thread before about my situation. But here is an updated version with more perspective. Me and my ex were together for 5 years. We are both 22 years old now. Obviously within these 5 years, we were madly and deeply in love. We grew up together, had the perfect connection, had the same friends, knew eachothers families well. Talked about marraige and kids and that we knew we were the one for eachother. We brought out the inner child in eachother. No one knows us like we do. It was perfect and everyone was so jealous of us. We were proud to call eachother soulmates. However, the break up happened about 2 months ago. She broke up with me because she started having doubts and she was scared. She said its amazing she wants to spend of her life with someone but its also a scary thing. Her main reason for the breakup is that she wants to focus on herself, find herself, and wants to figure out what she wants. I know alot of people go through this stage, especially a woman in their early 20's. We never lie to eachother, even though were not together. She said shes not at all interested in dating anyone and she wants to be by herself and signle right now. We had LC for the last 2 months. Periods of NC about every 2 weeks. Another main reason for the breakup is that she wants to find out if im the one or not. She's the 3rd girl ive been with and i know shes the one for me because i can compare it to others. But for her, im her very first boyfriend and i understand how shes feeling, I told her that i completely understand, and i do. She said its hard that she has to risk true love but she just has things that she needs to figure out. She wants to find herself and yes dating is something she wants to experience. Shes a beautiful girl that many people have things to offer her, she deserves the best. She siad maybe it's me all along, maybe not, but let her figure it out. She told me to move on and not wait, as I am going to...after realizing and knowing for sure we are not going to get back together in the near future. She has to grow and if she comes back in the future, she comes back. She is not at all selfish and she really does love me but doesnt want to hurt me. She doesnt want me to waste my life waiting on her if she ends up not coming back. After 2 months of clearing out my head. I feel alot better knowing that we are not getting back together in the near future. It still hurts like nothing ive ever experience still, but my mind doesnt linger as much about reconcilation. The dilemma here is...we both love eachother, but we know we cannot be together right now. Maybe we wont ever be, maybe were meant to be together in the future, but not now. But she said a few guys have tried to ask her out but she declined. She is not interested at all. Somehow the discussion of sex came about. We discussed about being friends with benefits. I KNOW its a bad idea. Her friends told her not to because it will string me along. But trust me, it wont...when people say their situations are diff, maybe it really is diff and you have to realize that only the 2 involved truly know and feel the situation. She said she wouldnt have sex because it would string me along or she would want to get back together. I told her if she asked i would say no. And I mean that. The reason for the breakup would still be there and it would happen again. But we both admitted that we want it, that we dont want to have sex or be involved with anyone else. Not at this time. Far in the future maybe. We will be doing NC, no catching up or hanging out. But im guessing we would just contact eachother when one of us wants it? I dont know we've never done this before. I dont know if thats considered NC. LOL its very confusing. My questions are.... 1. What do you think of my situation, she told me just the other day when we had our final discussion that it was true love that we had and she'll never forget what we had but we have to move forward and see where life brings us. As you see, our connection and communication is far beyond any relationship that I know of, of my friends. Is this strong bond something that may bring us together in the future? 2. What do you think about the sex part of it? We both have human needs but are comfortable with eachother. Is it ok to have sex knowing we love eachother, but as long as we know it wont turn into reconciliation? THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND THOUGHTS!! In a perfect world i would work. However, what will more than likely happen is that if you do become FWB, at some point one of you will find someone else you are interested in and begin to pull away. The sex will reduce and eventually diminish while the other person begins to date someone new. Someone will get hurt and it will be a mess. FWB's with ex's you are still emotinally attached to do not work.
Author hopefulguy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I must add that maybe it was intended for you to meet her, as a best friend. There are many reasons, for going through this, and just maybe she's the one that will open you up to what's truly lying out there for you. Time will tell! In my case I think my bf and I found each other to be best friends. why did you guys decide to try and get back together? and how did you realize you werent meant to be lovers, only best friends?
norajane Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Nope. Won't work, and it may ruin the friendship you have currently. She said she needed to break up with you to move on and experience life. She won't be able to do that by straddling the fence, one foot in the old life and one foot in the new. She'll be stuck. And you will, too. Stuck, stuck, stuck within your feelings for her. Neither of you will be able to see what life has to bring because you'll be having a half-assed fwb relationship which will prevent you both from a HEALTHY break-up. It will just create problems. It will start off ok, but soon, the problems will begin. You're totally fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
Author hopefulguy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Nope. Won't work, and it may ruin the friendship you have currently. She said she needed to break up with you to move on and experience life. She won't be able to do that by straddling the fence, one foot in the old life and one foot in the new. She'll be stuck. And you will, too. Stuck, stuck, stuck within your feelings for her. Neither of you will be able to see what life has to bring because you'll be having a half-assed fwb relationship which will prevent you both from a HEALTHY break-up. It will just create problems. It will start off ok, but soon, the problems will begin. You're totally fooling yourself if you think otherwise. I completely understand you and will take your advice. But what do you think of our situation other then the sex? Do you think that shes completely fallen out of love or that its really something that she has to do for herself? And do you know of any situations of reconcilation similar to mine? Later down the line in life. We both agreed it was true love, no doubt.
love_fool Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 why did you guys decide to try and get back together? and how did you realize you werent meant to be lovers, only best friends? His distance from me caused us to lose feelings.. didn't have sex for two months. Yesterday, we hung out and had sex. It felt wrong, and I didn't want it from him. That's when I knew and it hit me that if we broke up and just bcame FWB I would get strung along, because what I felt for him towards the end was just plain lust. We tried to get back together because we still had feelings for each other.. or so we thought.. we were just scared of the future without either of us in it for the other/
norajane Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I think your dating relationship has run its course. You are not the same people at 22 as you were when you fell in love at 17. And you won't be the same people at 27 as you are now. Most people do not end up with their high school sweethearts. They may always have a fondness for them, a soft spot in their heart for their first love. But that's not the kind of mature love to build a whole life on. Put it this way...if it were that kind of love, you'd still be together and she wouldn't want to break up with you in order to experience life. Meaning, she does not want to experience life and go through life WITH you. She wants to get away from you in order to do that. So she does not see you as the forever kind of love, the kind where you team up to experience life together.
love_fool Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I think your dating relationship has run its course. You are not the same people at 22 as you were when you fell in love at 17. And you won't be the same people at 27 as you are now. Most people do not end up with their high school sweethearts. They may always have a fondness for them, a soft spot in their heart for their first love. But that's not the kind of mature love to build a whole life on. Put it this way...if it were that kind of love, you'd still be together and she wouldn't want to break up with you in order to experience life. Meaning, she does not want to experience life and go through life WITH you. She wants to get away from you in order to do that. So she does not see you as the forever kind of love, the kind where you team up to experience life together. Spoken from truth. Great words I'll need to remember as well.
Author hopefulguy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I think your dating relationship has run its course. You are not the same people at 22 as you were when you fell in love at 17. And you won't be the same people at 27 as you are now. Most people do not end up with their high school sweethearts. They may always have a fondness for them, a soft spot in their heart for their first love. But that's not the kind of mature love to build a whole life on. Put it this way...if it were that kind of love, you'd still be together and she wouldn't want to break up with you in order to experience life. Meaning, she does not want to experience life and go through life WITH you. She wants to get away from you in order to do that. So she does not see you as the forever kind of love, the kind where you team up to experience life together. We did have a mature love as we are both very mature for our age. We always compared ourselves with my parents. We were just like them in everyway. She said she just wants to give herself a fair shot of knowing what she wants and i realize right now its not me. She says she can still see me in her future growing old together. It may be that kind of love, but it doesnt mean we have to be together from the first day we met. It could be that kind of love, but people have to love themselves first and thats what shes doing. People need to learn from life and sometimes its just not the right timing. Otherwise reconcilation would not exist. But i do know the reality in it all that we have to move on and what happens happens. I see it your way, but I see it my way as well.
norajane Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Who says reconciliation exists? Maybe it does, but not often.
Author hopefulguy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Who says reconciliation exists? Maybe it does, but not often. We are talking about it, so it must exist.
love_fool Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I don't think you want to think about that just yet. Think of the now, and what you need to do. Reconsider that thought later when you've progressed.
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