Rox Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Hi, So, my boyfriend is going to Vegas for his friend's bachelor party. We've been together for 8 yrs. and we've been living together for 4. When we first started dating we set some rules: No Vegas, Cuba, Brazil trips with the guys and no strip clubs but now he changed the rules to "We are not married so I'll go anywhere I want to". We had a huge fight and ended the relationship, I ended it. About his friends, we are mexican so there's this macho thing about them that I just can't stand. At parties men sit in one place, women at the other side. His single friends have one night stands almost every weekend, they go to strip clubs from thrus-sat. and what bothers me the most is that they try to take my bf with them on those boys night out. Iif they had a chance to make a dream come true it will be that my bf and I only see each other on sundays. They don't like me very much because my bf won't go to the strip clubs or hit on other girls when I'm not around. They know I know what they are up to most of the time. Recently, my bf and I have been arguing a lot about his friends because of all this. If we have a fight that means I had a fight with my bf AND all of his single friends, by the time we settle things they are still angry at me. My bf is a very nice guy,very sweet, gets along with my friends and family and they all love him. I love him a lot and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but there have been some trust issues in the past concerning his fidelity so I'm not willing to get hurt while he's in Vegas. I'm sure that if he cheats on me I will NEVER find out, since his friends hate me and won't tell, and I don't think my bf will confess. Did I do the right thing?
Adunaphel Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I am not sure whether you id the right thing (I hate strip clubs so my perspective is not neutral) but I honestly admire you and I hope it is the right choice. Do you expect/hope that he contacts you to get back together *before* he goes to the party? Do you really believe it's over?
Woggle Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Honestly you are being too controlling. This reminds me of that guy's girlfriend in that movie The Hangover.
utterer of lies Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Honestly you are being too controlling. This reminds me of that guy's girlfriend in that movie The Hangover. While we're at movie references: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Very_bad_things
sally4sara Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I think you did the right thing. You know what his friends' motives are for going to Vegas. They sound like haters who don't know real love in their life so they want to bring him down to their level. And after 8 years with you, he decides to cave to ignorant peer pressure. That is the behavior of a teenager and not someone ready to be a real partner to you. You let him know your comfort zone in the beginning of the relationship. It is perfectly okay and intelligent for you to want a partner with the same values you have. His values have either changed or never were the same. And if they never were the same, he used up 8 years of your life before sharing this with you. This makes him sound like a selfish coward for not being up front with you about his values like you were. You gave him the respect of knowing what your values were before he caught feelings. What did he give? Let him find his natural level in life without dragging you down with him. I'm sure his friends will keep him warm at night.
DunnoWhat Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 You both had an agreement and now he has changed the rules. He values the night out higher then his relationship with you unfortunatly.
fakobako Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 being together for 8 years is a long time, so why did he all of a sudden change the rules. maybe hes buddies were giving him crap about not going. do you have something against strip clubs? why dont you join him? i used to go with my boyfriends all the time. its not like it is in the movies, all the time. but yeah if you guys had that a agreement, than he just decides to change it, something is up and hes already doing something or he plans on it. trust me, im like that and i know when something is up.
Author Rox Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I am not sure whether you id the right thing (I hate strip clubs so my perspective is not neutral) but I honestly admire you and I hope it is the right choice. Do you expect/hope that he contacts you to get back together *before* he goes to the party? Do you really believe it's over? He did call a few times, tried to make things right but I wasn't up for it, he said he will go anyways... he's never been the proud type, he always calls first but now he's not giving up. I feel awful, we've never been apart.
Author Rox Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I think you did the right thing. You know what his friends' motives are for going to Vegas. They sound like haters who don't know real love in their life so they want to bring him down to their level. And after 8 years with you, he decides to cave to ignorant peer pressure. That is the behavior of a teenager and not someone ready to be a real partner to you. You let him know your comfort zone in the beginning of the relationship. It is perfectly okay and intelligent for you to want a partner with the same values you have. His values have either changed or never were the same. And if they never were the same, he used up 8 years of your life before sharing this with you. This makes him sound like a selfish coward for not being up front with you about his values like you were. You gave him the respect of knowing what your values were before he caught feelings. What did he give? Let him find his natural level in life without dragging you down with him. I'm sure his friends will keep him warm at night. That's so true, he knows how I feel about strip clubs and all that comes with it, and now he is letting his friends tell him what to do instead of doing what he knows is right. I'm very confused and I haven't talked about this to anyone, not even my friends, since they love him and will probably take his side. Thank you very much.
Adunaphel Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 He did call a few times, tried to make things right but I wasn't up for it, he said he will go anyways... he's never been the proud type, he always calls first but now he's not giving up. I feel awful, we've never been apart. Unless he decides not to go, I guess you will have to face some serious thinking and decision making, as he will probably try to work things out with you after he is back from Vegas. That is, if he decides to go at all. Consider that he might be as resentful as you are (just possibility, I am not him), thinking something along the lines of "I have been a great boyfriend for 8 years and you are rady to throw all of that down the toilet for one single trip in Vegas". I guess that in case you end up discussing the subject (either before or after) it might be a good idea to let him know how you are feeling about it, and how him going to a bachelor party might affect you and the relationship. So at least he can know it's an important issues, and you would not break up with him 'over nothing'. I like to think that communication and honesty can help salvage relationship and work through issues more than anything else. If he ends up going, I hope you make a choice you won't regret - whatever the choice is. I am sorry you are into such a rough spot.
Author Rox Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 do you have something against strip clubs? why dont you join him? Joining him it's not an option for me, A)his friends hate me and would't let him bring me B) remember the macho thing? strip clubs are for guys only, like no respectable lady goes to those places, I know it's ridiculous but its how it is here. And its not that I have something against strip clubs in general, but here where we live if you know the guy who knows they guy who owns the place then you get "special" treatment and that no-touching rule doesn't apply, they actually have sex with the girls if they want to. I don't think strip clubs in Vegas allow this but his friends will manage... they will get laid, that's for sure. Im concerned about him being in a room full of girls, it's not like he is going to sleep...
fakobako Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 well somethings up. sorry to say this, and you already know this, if he does something, you will pretty much never know, unless he breaks down with guilt and confesses, which rarely ever happens. ive cheated plenty of times, and theyve never known. soooo, youve got to decide what you need to do. do you trust him enough for him to go up las vegas, yeah its vegas but not every person who goes up there gets laid, i know, i lived there for 2 years. but if hes gonna cheat, he doesnt have to go up to vegas to do it. hes got easy access to woman at home too, so dont take vegas too seriously, watch what he does when hes at home. and about the strippers, if they dont invite their girls, theyre looking for trouble or are hoping to get into some, which unless they got a lot of money or a flippen hot, they usually wont get any, unless those girls are really really cheap and ugly. but if they were ugly, what the hell is the point for them going? who wants to look at ugly strippers?
Woggle Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I really don't think he is trying to cheat. He is just doing some guy stuff and with all due respect you trying to put the leash on him which most men hate. A woman should never try to get in between a man and his friends because any self respecting man will pick his friends. I would like to know how you would feel if he tried to control you like this.
sally4sara Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I really don't think he is trying to cheat. He is just doing some guy stuff and with all due respect you trying to put the leash on him which most men hate. A woman should never try to get in between a man and his friends because any self respecting man will pick his friends. I would like to know how you would feel if he tried to control you like this. What is wrong with her wanting a partner with the same values? If his values are different, he should have said so at the beginning when she let him know her values did not include things like this. It isn't her controlling him if she lets him know at the beginning of the relationship. It IS him lying and wasting 8 years of her life just to be a "walk away BF" the moment a Vegas bachelor party comes along. He exhibited the same traits you demonize in women and still, all you can do is try to pin it on the OP for being female. Why do you ignore that he pretended to share her values for 8 years? No one was forcing him. Is it because it serves your view of women being the enemy?
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 No one can tell you if you did the right or wrong thing, since it's your relationship. But this, says a lot about him and how much he respects you and your agreement: When we first started dating we set some rules: No Vegas, Cuba, Brazil trips with the guys and no strip clubs but now he changed the rules to "We are not married so I'll go anywhere I want to". In essence, he's saying that the agreement no longer stands, that he's going to do whatever he wants to do, with no consideration of a prior agreement or your feelings. Say you get married and one day, he decides he wants an open marriage. According to him, any prior agreements hold no water, which could encompass wedding vows. With a prior agreement like this, no discussion about change, unilateral decision making and no consideration of your feelings, I would have ditched him too.
angie2443 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 No one can tell you if you did the right or wrong thing, since it's your relationship. But this, says a lot about him and how much he respects you and your agreement: In essence, he's saying that the agreement no longer stands, that he's going to do whatever he wants to do, with no consideration of a prior agreement or your feelings. Say you get married and one day, he decides he wants an open marriage. According to him, any prior agreements hold no water, which could encompass wedding vows. With a prior agreement like this, no discussion about change, unilateral decision making and no consideration of your feelings, I would have ditched him too. This is a very good point. I'd sit down and think about it.
Woggle Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 What is wrong with her wanting a partner with the same values? If his values are different, he should have said so at the beginning when she let him know her values did not include things like this. It isn't her controlling him if she lets him know at the beginning of the relationship. It IS him lying and wasting 8 years of her life just to be a "walk away BF" the moment a Vegas bachelor party comes along. He exhibited the same traits you demonize in women and still, all you can do is try to pin it on the OP for being female. Why do you ignore that he pretended to share her values for 8 years? No one was forcing him. Is it because it serves your view of women being the enemy? He should not have agreed to the terms to begin with but if women want to have a successful relatioship with a man she needs to understand the bond he has with the guys. It works the other way around when it comes to the bond a woman has with her friends. Having a seperate life and a seperate identity actually nurtures a relationship if both partied respect and honor that. It seems that she just wants him all for her self and he isn't even allowed to have his own identity or his own life to the point that he can't even attend a friend's bachelor party without potentially destroying the relationship. The more she tried to put the leash on him the more he will cheat because people naturally don't like being controlled. If I wanted to go to a raunchy party in Vegas my wife would let me go in an instant and I would never even think about cheating because I would never betray that trust that she places in me. This guy on the other hand probably feels like his balls are in a vice grip so he will do anything to get them out and if that means the relationship dies so be it.
sally4sara Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 He should not have agreed to the terms to begin with but if women want to have a successful relatioship with a man she needs to understand the bond he has with the guys. It works the other way around when it comes to the bond a woman has with her friends. Having a seperate life and a seperate identity actually nurtures a relationship if both partied respect and honor that. It seems that she just wants him all for her self and he isn't even allowed to have his own identity or his own life to the point that he can't even attend a friend's bachelor party without potentially destroying the relationship. The more she tried to put the leash on him the more he will cheat because people naturally don't like being controlled. If I wanted to go to a raunchy party in Vegas my wife would let me go in an instant and I would never even think about cheating because I would never betray that trust that she places in me. This guy on the other hand probably feels like his balls are in a vice grip so he will do anything to get them out and if that means the relationship dies so be it. So when a guy's friends are hell bent on causing turmoil in a relationship - like the OP shared with us that her ex BF's friends are, it is not the same as if misandrist women were yapping in YOUR wife's ear about how much she could do better than you? Is it only "putting on a leash" when its men trying to cause problems in one of their friend's relationships and the woman is upset by it? What is it then if all the gender's were switched? We're not talking about a night out with the boys. We're talking about a bunch of cheating men who want a particular one of their friends to cheat to and have planned to go to Vegas for a particular night out that often leads to excess of drinking and drugs and cheating. Think about it Wogs; it sounds the same to me........why doesn't it to you?
sadandugly Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Hi, So, my boyfriend is going to Vegas for his friend's bachelor party. We've been together for 8 yrs. and we've been living together for 4. When we first started dating we set some rules: No Vegas, Cuba, Brazil trips with the guys and no strip clubs but now he changed the rules to "We are not married so I'll go anywhere I want to". We had a huge fight and ended the relationship, I ended it. About his friends, we are mexican so there's this macho thing about them that I just can't stand. At parties men sit in one place, women at the other side. His single friends have one night stands almost every weekend, they go to strip clubs from thrus-sat. and what bothers me the most is that they try to take my bf with them on those boys night out. Iif they had a chance to make a dream come true it will be that my bf and I only see each other on sundays. They don't like me very much because my bf won't go to the strip clubs or hit on other girls when I'm not around. They know I know what they are up to most of the time. Recently, my bf and I have been arguing a lot about his friends because of all this. If we have a fight that means I had a fight with my bf AND all of his single friends, by the time we settle things they are still angry at me. My bf is a very nice guy,very sweet, gets along with my friends and family and they all love him. I love him a lot and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but there have been some trust issues in the past concerning his fidelity so I'm not willing to get hurt while he's in Vegas. I'm sure that if he cheats on me I will NEVER find out, since his friends hate me and won't tell, and I don't think my bf will confess. Did I do the right thing? Ok, I don't like strip clubs very much, but I'll play devil's advocate and say that sometimes our anxiety is unfounded and there's nothing to worry about because sometimes we get too paranoid thinking that just because the friends are single, then he'll want to cheat. Although, I admit, if I lived in the US, and my boyfriend wanted to go on a trip to Vegas without me, I'd internally freak out! I'm insecure like that... but moving on... But, that being said, what I think is a cause of concern is the bolded part. What do you mean that there have been trust issues concerning his fidelity? Does it mean that he has cheated or almost cheated in the past? If so, I think you have a right to be this upset. I know what you mean about the "macho" thing, in my country, similar things happen. There are no respectable strip clubs either, so with a good sum of money you can have any girl you want. As for the macho thing, I think women aren't even allowed inside (the bouncers won't let you in... there are some sort of coffee shops here where there are topless girls, they offer 24 hour service, imagine that!... once, my mom and a friend of hers wanted to get some coffee but there were no coffee shops near, except for a topless one... they tried to go in, but the bouncer told them it was for 'men only'). Luckily, my boyfriend doesn't go to strip clubs nor does he have the money to pay the girls for sex. He once joked that even if he did, he would spend it in something else (like, say, a cool new guitar or something). But he wouldn't want me going to a male strip club either, because he's quite territorial. The macho thing. When he's with his buddies, he changes, boys will be boys, etc. Hmm... when is this trip? Maybe you could gather YOUR friends and have a nice, bachelorette weekend trip of your own, to somewhere nice? Say Cancun? Is that an option? Maybe that will take your mind away from the worries... have some good time of your own and don't worry too much about your boyfriend! Play the same rules then!
vox Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Why be so controlling? Your insecurities are showing. You could always just... you know, trust your boyfriend of almost a decade.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 The nice thing about Vegas is : What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. The thing is, whatever happens there is nothing you can do about it and you will never find out about it anyway. It exists in almost another realm. So really, how much can you worry about it?
stace79 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hi, So, my boyfriend is going to Vegas for his friend's bachelor party. We've been together for 8 yrs. and we've been living together for 4. When we first started dating we set some rules: No Vegas, Cuba, Brazil trips with the guys and no strip clubs but now he changed the rules to "We are not married so I'll go anywhere I want to". We had a huge fight and ended the relationship, I ended it. About his friends, we are mexican so there's this macho thing about them that I just can't stand. At parties men sit in one place, women at the other side. His single friends have one night stands almost every weekend, they go to strip clubs from thrus-sat. and what bothers me the most is that they try to take my bf with them on those boys night out. Iif they had a chance to make a dream come true it will be that my bf and I only see each other on sundays. They don't like me very much because my bf won't go to the strip clubs or hit on other girls when I'm not around. They know I know what they are up to most of the time. Recently, my bf and I have been arguing a lot about his friends because of all this. If we have a fight that means I had a fight with my bf AND all of his single friends, by the time we settle things they are still angry at me. My bf is a very nice guy,very sweet, gets along with my friends and family and they all love him. I love him a lot and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but there have been some trust issues in the past concerning his fidelity so I'm not willing to get hurt while he's in Vegas. I'm sure that if he cheats on me I will NEVER find out, since his friends hate me and won't tell, and I don't think my bf will confess. Did I do the right thing? Frankly, it doesn't matter if you're "right" or "wrong". You let him know well in advance your feelings on strip clubs and raucous boys' nights in Vegas. You know what you're comfortable with, and as other posters have said, he chose this stupid boys night out over your feelings, even after eight years. Honestly, I don't think I'd want to date a guy who had such loser friends. Guilt by association. I think the types of people you associate with tell a lot about the type of person you are. If he is okay with his guy friends sleeping around, acting all macho and hanging out at strip clubs every single weekend, what does that tell you about HIS morals and values? It says to me that he just told you what you wanted to hear, unfortunately. I think you're better off without him and without the hassle of his "friends". Find someone truly worthy of your time and attention.
carhill Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 The nice thing about Vegas is : What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. The thing is, whatever happens there is nothing you can do about it and you will never find out about it anyway. It exists in almost another realm. So really, how much can you worry about it? Sounds like the voice of experience. We have friends in Vegas and my wife goes there often, mostly without me. It's just a town with a well known and well-lit gambling and entertainment area. It's not a mecca of sin. OP, it sounds like you have relationship issues, not friend issues. Your man is who he is, just as you are who you are. You said his friends would monopolize his time if they could. Why can't (couldn't) they do that? Did he make a conscious choice to prioritize you? Has he given you any reason to believe that he could not be trusted, even in the supposed mecca of sin, Vegas? Has he cheated on you in eight years? Does he ogle other women and make comments about them in front of you? I'm trying to get a sense of your relationship dynamic. You seem to have a lot of anger with and resentment towards his 'macho, loser friends'. I personally think you'd be better off staying broken up, but something tells me we're going to hear more from you
RedDevil66 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Now you just gave him a reason to sleep with someone in vegas, since now he's single. Being this controlling will only make someone more apt to pull away. The more you pull his reins, the more he's going to want to break free. How long ago did he cheat on you? And how old are you both?
Author Rox Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 and about the strippers, if they dont invite their girls, theyre looking for trouble or are hoping to get into some, which unless they got a lot of money or a flippen hot, they usually wont get any, unless those girls are really really cheap and ugly. but if they were ugly, what the hell is the point for them going? who wants to look at ugly strippers? they do have money and all of them are very good looking guys... that's why they don't have any trouble getting girls all the time.
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