My ex wants another chance....

[littlekitten]

My husband and I are currently separated but we have been together about 10 years and now he wants another chance.

He has really hurt me and the kids over the years. To give you an idea, a couple of months ago our 8 year old daughter tripped over his computer cord and he went off on her. He cussed her and told her that she was stupid and other things of the like. Her eyes teared up and she ran to her room crying. He and I then had a huge fight about it. (just one example of many)

 

Another example is our oldest daughter was living down south with her real father, but she was having problems and wanted to move home. When he found out his reaction was "if she comes back I'm leaving". He also brought his Mother into the fight by calling her on the phone and allowing her to hear the whole fight while letting her have her say on the matter.

 

His mother hates me for no reason and he knows this, so I was begging him to leave her out of the fight. Besides it was a personal fight between us and she had no business even knowing that we were fighting, much less being allowed to listen and take part. He knows his mother and how much damage something like this could do. Her main "hobby" is gossiping on the phone and making up lies about people and he will even admit to that.

He did apologize after he let her go and we stopped fighting, but it still hurt because she takes anything she knows about me and twists it into a huge lie.

 

Another thing that I haven't mentioned is that during a lot of our marriage he has quit job after job or was fired and it was never his fault. So a lot of the time my money has been the only income.

One job in particular I actually wanted him to quit. The man he was working for would work him from like 4am to 1am every day. Most of the time the man would actually deduct money from his paycheck for this or that and he would take out so much that I would have to dip into my paycheck to pay his employer. At this point I started trying to get him to quit because this man was using him and my husband was actually paying him to keep the job. He told his boss that I wanted him to quit and that is when his boss went into action. He told my husband that I did not want to see him succeed and that he needed to leave me, going as far as to try to hook him up with someone else. My husband would spend so much time with his boss, and lie to me about what they were doing together. One night I finally got him to answer his phone at about 12am and when I found out he was lying to me I insisted he come home. He said no and hung up and told his boss what I had said so his boss came up with a plan to shut me up and had him call me back. He then held out the phone so I could "hear" his boss talking to him about what would happen to him if I did not shut up and let him be. The guy was cussing and saying stuff like if you don't get control of your wife you will lose all of this and it will be her fault.

One night his boss even told him to bring me over to his house and he would take care of me and when he got done I would shut up and stay in my place. When we got there I noticed several guns just lying around in spots where someone would have to believe it was for them to see. Then my husband set there while his boss made threat after threat to me. Even though his boss was treating me like **** he sit there and let me be treated like that.

 

I eventually told him to get out and that I never wanted to see him again. He left, but came back and begged me to give him another chance. He had asked his boss for a day off after working those long hours for 3 months straight, and that's when my husband finally saw the Mr. Hyde side of his boss and quit. So I did take him back and we started trying to repair our marriage.

 

He got another job but quit because it was too long of a drive and the work was hard. He was then told that he would either get another job or move out so he moved out. He moved back to where his family lived and told me that no body was worth working a dead end job for. He later back tracked and said he did not mean to say it that way, but it still hurt.

After several months of him trying to get me back I decided to give him yet another chance.

 

Last summer I decided to leave him again. He had gotten addicted to playing online games and not giving our family much time. Everything we fought about, in his eyes, was either my fault or the kids fault. He never took any blame in anything. He would say things like, "I know I did this, but" (fill in the blank with something about me or one of the kids). Plus our youngest kid, was starting to made it a point to let everyone know that she was stupid and worthless because that's all he ever said to her.

I left him again and this time when I took him back I made sure he knew it was his last chance. That if it did not work out this time that I would not give him another chance.

 

After a year of him being the same way and not going to anger management like he promised I decided it was time to move on.

I told him to get out and after about 2 weeks he finally did. Still, he is trying to get me back by saying he has changed. My husband keeps trying to get me to give him another chance and has been working hard to convince me that he has changed.

 

He moved back in just as friends because we are both in a financial bind at this point, and we have gotten closer since the new arrangement.

My problem is that I don't know if I can give him another chance to have it go the way it has gone all the other times he had promised me that he had changed. I want to start a new life and he does say that it will be different with him this time, that it will be a new life with a changed person.

 

He has been being good to the kids and to me and has offered to go to marriage counseling, which I don't want to do, and is promising to go to anger management again. He has been this way for about 2 1/2 months now.

 

Still in the past when we got back together he did the same things so I have no idea if it is real this time or not. He is saying that he will let me know that he cares about me by actually buying me things or hand making me gifts. When in the years we were together he bought me a total of two gifts. His reasoning being that he did not know what to get me or we did not have the money for such things. On the other hand I always found a way to give him something special for every occasion.

There have been other things, but I do not want to write our whole life story here. But I will add that our oldest daughter is much happier now that she thinks I am leaving him. She knows that she will not have to be afraid of him getting mad and throwing things or treating us bad anymore.

 

I do want to point out that the whole marriage has not been bad. There have been very good memories made over the years and very special moments that we have made by ourselves as a couple. Also, I must admit I have not been the perfect wife and Mother over the years. So I do have my faults and things that I could work on.

I do still love and care about him, I can not, however say that after everything he has done that I am still in love with him at this moment. He is doing very well at his job and I am very proud of him for that. So there is a hint that he can change.

 

I just don't know what to do and I thought that maybe an impartial person could give me an honest opinion.

Thank you in advance for any advise you can give me.

 

LK

[Soul Bear]

He keeps promising to go to anger management, but has he actually done it yet?

Actions speak louder than words. Anyone can put on a front and a mask for a few months....

 

Tread carefully.

 

And this is YOUR life and YOUR relationship, not your eldest daughters. As much as she means well, it is not up to her.

 

As for his mood swings, he probably is tired of having kids around and wants to be just you two....

[smookie]

Honestly speaking I would not...if you look at my past posts I always took him back and this time i will not do it.. I even moved out of town just to staay away... It is not eazy but I have to it never got better in all the years.