When I said I wanted to date, I didn't mean you, Death.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, I did the breast cancer thing and got through it. It was nasty and aggressive, but between draconian chemo and a bilat (no recon by choice) I managed to do ok the past nearly couple of years. Haven't been posting about it much because life for me returned to a relative normal and I was going about the business of living.

 

Until now. I was scheduled to have my ovaries taken out next year, but I think it is too late for something as 'simple' as a removal.

 

It started a few of months ago. I was involved with someone in a manner of speaking. I also began to feel pregnant all the time. I went through boxes of pregnancy tests and all came up negative. I only get periods sporadically but I'm on Tamoxifen, so I was nervous seeing as how some other countries apparently use it as a fertility drug (!). I knew I couldn't be pregnant though - not really. My eggs were friend with the last chemo.

 

Anyway, a few days ago I started getting this weird feeling in my left leg and didn't think much of it. I took a fall a few weeks ago and had a bone contusion, so I figured it must be from that. Or so I hoped. As the days passed, my leg started feeling 'heavy'. The more I walked around at work (and I walk a LOT there), the heavier it got until yesterday it not only got heavy feeling, it started hurting and swelling too! When it hit the 'two inches bigger' mark I called my doctor's office and they had me come in right away - we were both thinking 'blood clot'.

 

Doppler was negative. From my symptoms (similar to early pregnancy - tired, nauseated, etc.) and the swollen (and I do mean swollen all the way down, it is alarming) leg, abdominal and lower back pain, and even up toward one of my shoulder blades, my risk (bc dx plus BRCA) my doctor said that it is more than likely a mass squeezing out my lymph system and messing with the nerve bundles in the bottom of my body. And not likely a benign mass either. Mass + abdomen = leg pain and swelling.

 

So, I have CT scans on Monday: chest, abdomen, pelvis. I had a blood panel yesterday. Tuesday I get the results. This is happening too fast for me. I regret telling my doctor that I don't need pain medication. I didn't realize that the swelling and pain in the leg was going to be so intense. I was determined though. The last time I was on the heavy pain meds, I had a hard time stopping them if you know what I mean. You take those things constantly for nearly a year when they are freely prescribed, and when you stop... It ain't pretty.

 

I wish I knew or could tell if this is so far gone that I'm ****ed or not. I won't know that for a few days, and I do so hate the wait. At least my doctor is awesome. He came in on his day off yesterday to take care of this. It was odd seeing him in jeans! I just assumed he wore that white coat 24/7!

 

So, I guess I'm at the beginning of a bad thing again. I can honestly say that I am not especially happy to be posting again about stuff like this. I'm also not happy that once again it looks like I'm going to go through this single. Being single can really blow sometimes. It especially blows when you are going through something like this. ExH is going to be there for me like he always has, and that is awesome (not sure what his gf will think!). But... late at night when I want something as simple as someone to curl up to for comfort, all I have is my teddy. I think of how safe I felt in someone's arms recently, as uncomfortable as it was for him (his feelings for me did not extend past the physical), it was so nice for me. You have no idea how much I wish I could go upstairs now and just cry in his arms. I'm sure he is glad he doesn't have to worry about that. That sort of thing would especially be off limits. Ha!

 

Anyone else here have a similar story? I could definitely benefit from something other than frantic and frequent (and often useless) Google searches. I found one where a woman said her leg pain was what saved her life in terms of ovarian cancer, but that is only one story. If you know someone with a similar story, or have one yourself feel free to post about it.

[PrincessOfDarkness]

LB, I am so genuinely sorry that you have to go through this and I don't even know you. It is quite hard to say anything without it sounding contrived. Please, try not to jump to conclusions. Often when things seem like they are surely either positive or negative are not so. There *could* be other explanations for your symptoms and it is quite possible that they are not all connected as you see them now. Doctors normally want to exclude the worst scenarios due to your medical history. Right now fear is clouding your perception and rightfully so. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Adunaphel]

I really, really hope it is not what you fear.

I agree with PrincessOf Darkness that there could be a number of other explanations - like a a circulation problem, or an infection. I am not good at saying these things, but I feel very sorry that you must be feeling awful, and scared, right now, and I hope that on tuesday I'll open the thread and read that it is just something not worrying and easily treatable.

[grogster]

LB, I'm deeply saddened to read of your latest health issues. My Heart goes out to you and I extend you a huge, virtual hug. We've never met, and only PM'd once, but I feel that I know you through your wonderfully helpful, gracefully written posts and Threads.

 

If you're in severe pain, call your physician. With all your understandable health anxiety and uncertainty, the last thing you need is severe pain and discomfort.

 

This weekend, pop some pain killers and curl up and watch some romantic comedies.

 

Good luck, my friend. Always remember that as lonely as you feel, you are not alone.

[PrincessOfDarkness]

I know this might sound crazy but if I were in your position I would probably take my cards out and do a tarot reading.

[Art_Critic]

LRB.. my words echo Grogster.. He said exactly what I was trying to write.

 

You can lean on the people of LS is you need us..

 

***Hug***

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its funny, really being back in this state of mind again. There is something about having this sort of target on your forehead that makes you feel ironically invincible. I even contacted The Trailer Park boys and told them I wanted to get drunk and party with them before I check out. Don't I wish. I would bang Ricky into next week (Ricky is the on in my avatar) if I could.

 

The only thing that is bothering me right now is this damned elephant leg. I can't believe how much something like an accumulation of fluid can hurt so badly! Its just water, basically - so why does it feel like knives?

 

I intend to keep my humor about me until the end. I was a lot more confident about my chances last time. This time, not so much. But... I intend to make the most of the time I have left I guess.

 

And the tarot cards? I may just dust off a deck today and see what lays before me. I don't think I'll get any surprises really. I already know what they will imply.

 

There is so much I wanted to do. I wanted to fall in love for real and have someone fall in love with me instead of the old "let's be friends who f*ck". I thought I found someone a while ago who took me on real dates, we would cook dinners together, spend time together, and we had been platonic friends for at least four years. After a few sex sessions though, he dumped me and said "he couldn't get past the no boobs thing". Then I stupidly fell in love with my FWB who moved away this week. He left on Wednesday, and this all started the next day. We had some amazing banging going on, but he was always clear that there were no feelings outside of friendship for him. He really was my friend and still is. I just wish he could have loved me.

 

Over the past two years I've been dumped, ignored, blown off, turned down, used, rejected, etc. The best thing I've had was that FWB thing, and when the best thing you've had is someone who refers to you as "friends with hormones mixed in" you know you are at the bottom of the barrel. I should mention that he is a somatic narcissist, so there is no way that it would have worked for us. In a way I'm glad he is gone. It is far less painful.

 

I feel like I'm in some sort of dream state. Everything changes when you are sick like this.

[grogster]

LB, call your physician and have him or her prescribe a modest amount of pain killers for the stabbing feeling in your leg (and Heart).

 

You need a pharma-respite from your understandable health anxieties and sense of abandonment.

 

No, these drugs won't make you better, but they'll help take the edge off until you receive a diagnosis. Sometimes it's wise to mask the pain.

 

Also, don't leap to any mortality conclusions just yet. You might be surprised.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, my doctor just called and he wants me to go ahead to the hospital. It is too serious to wait until Monday.

 

So... I am waiting for exH to pick me up and let me tell you. I am terrified right now. It is one thing to be sick and prepare for it, and quite another for it to happen so abruptly without any warning.

 

I'll post again when and if I can. If anything happens, exH will know to update here.

[Art_Critic]

LRB.. I'm glad your Exh is going to be with you.. you seem to gain strength from him and he is a positive person in your life..

 

You and your family are in my prayers..

[PrincessOfDarkness]

LB stay strong. At least you will find out now. Uncertainty is sometimes a killer. Sending you positive vibes. And I am very glad you are not going alone. Hope you come back soon!

[TaraMaiden]

Lucrezia, there is much I could say - yet I will say nothing save that I am thinking of you and I wish you well, really, I do from the depths of my heart.

Prayers and beneficial thoughts for you, and yours.

 

Love, Me XX

[deux ex machina]

You are such a beautiful person.

 

 

Please post back as soon as you can.

 

((((((((((LB))))))))))

 

Thinking of you, and wishing you the very, very best.

[quankanne]

ah, LB, scary health report was something I was hoping you could have been able to put off another 20 years or so. Add my prayers to the growing list.

 

remember, it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. And she damned well better have a good voice if she plans on singing.

 

hugs,

q

[Ariadne]

Wow LB,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your leg and lymph nodes.

 

Good thing you decided to go to the doctors and they will take care of that.

 

Hopefully soon your leg will be back to normal.

 

Btw, my father had cancer and it went to the lymph nodes, and they extracted those and he's been cured for over ten years.

 

He actually had more than one operation to remove the nodes at diff times, so I suppose it's pretty normal.

 

Hopefully it's not malignant, it still may be just some other thing.

 

I think this is the time for smoking some medical marihuana if you have some and are out of pain medication.

 

Wishing you the best of luck!

[angie2443]

(((Lucrezia))). I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad that your exH is going to be with you. I'm praying for you.

[shadowplay]

(((LB)))

 

I agree with another poster that you are a beautiful person. You radiate that beauty and intelligence in your posts. It's a shame that so many men can't see past the surface, because you clearly have a huge amount to offer.

 

I pray that the tests come out negative. If they don't, I hope you continue to come here for support. If you're ever feeling bleak or lonely we'll be here.

[Ariadne]

(((LB)))

I agree with another poster that you are a beautiful person. You radiate that beauty and intelligence in your posts. It's a shame that so many men can't see past the surface, because you clearly have a huge amount to offer.

 

I agree 100%.

 

I find LB to be so grounded and caring and intelligent. She also has old soul in her eyes.

 

It's too bad, really. Guys don't know the kind of person they are missing.

 

LB, I hope things went well in the hospital and good thing they are taking care of it fast. I just saw your last update.

[PrincessOfDarkness]

I find LB to be the one of the most intelligent posters here.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. My fingers are crossed, that it's not from a malignant form of cancer. Who knows, perhaps there's another reason for your water build up. ((hugs))

[whichwayisup]

A friend of mine's friend's son had something similar happen, his whole body swelled up. Test after test, it turned out to be a kidney related illness, he's on meds now for the rest of his life and he's doing OK. I'll try to find out the name of what he has and PM you.

 

You're in my thoughts LB, and I'm sending you GOOD and POSITIVE thoughts.. Keep the humour going, and make sure those around you keep you laughing as well.. xx.

[JamesM]

Wow, LB, I am sorry to hear this. I doubt you realize such news has on the rest of us who feel like you are our close friend and family. And yes, if I could I would sit and hug you to give you the comfort you need.

 

I will be thinking of you all weekend and will pray for the best.

[Lizzie60]

OMG. LB.,. I'm soooo sorry to hear that.

 

You're a fighter.. and fighters WIN!!!

 

Good luck.. keep posting.. we're here for you..

 

I"ll send you all my best vibes your way..

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm in the hospital now. Good news and bad. Good news... the CT showed no sign of cancer!

 

Bad news... I have acute deep vein thrombosis. The clot goes from my pelvis down into my calf. One big huge clot. Never would have guessed that since the Doppler came back negative on Friday. The ultrasound yesterday, however told a totally different story.

 

I don't know what will happen now. No one is really talking to me except to say how serious it is, and I am monitored 24-7. Can't even go to the bathroom by myself. They make sure that when I stand someone is there by my side. They are expecting a pulmonary embolism I guess.

 

I am on one drug now that they inject into my stomach, and am getting ready to start an IV drip of another one. They are hoping to shrink it some, and put in a filter. No word on what will happen. They are going to see what happens with the swelling.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm so glad this isn't cancer related although it's not something to mess with. They'll take good care of you LB and make sure you have many, many more years of LS posting. Just relax and focus on getting better!

 

I'm shocked they're letting you use wireless of any kind, in your room. Aren't they concerned about people with pace-makers?