Reggie Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I think we get a skewed view of the incidences of getting over it. The overwhelming majority do not. It takes an extraordinary effort by botht ehWS and BS. Even then, it is rare, from what I have read and been told.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Just admit it, you're fascinated with me. Yes, it's true -- I am fascinated by people with personality disorders. I want to find out what makes them tick. But the thing is with you -- you are on LoveShack for years and never disclose any personal information about yourself, always changing from screen name to screen name, judging people harshly, being rude, not generally helpful and very very secretive and private. Why? Some people avoid the disordered. Clearly I do not... I am curious about them. As for you, I reckon you are about 28 years old, male, unmarried, probably a virgin, live with your parents and sibling. You have been raised with Black and White views on life and feel smug about yourself because you have not committed any major transgressions. However, on the other hand, you have also not gained much at all... no wife at your age... You need to take more Risks. Open up a little. As much as you feel you are educated (to an arrogant degree) you actually are only educated book-wise, and you sadly lack real-life experience. Start living your life for real. let me guess! "Hater! " Right?
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 IT IS ALLLL SHREDDED!! And tonite, we will burn it together..i am sure some will say I made a mistake but I already feel better doing it. Thank you Athena!! So Foreal, how did it go last night? Did you both burn the evidence? Did you feel relief? How did your H react.
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Transparancy can be one of the extraordinary measures. Here is more: 1) Be completely accountable to where he is outside the house, including calling you during lunch, etc. Doing it. 2) NEVER ever to be alone, give advice to, befriend another female. I believe he gets this. He was never one of 'those' kind of men- the kind that makes 'friends' with women. MOW was MY friend initially, for over 15 years- she's known my H for as long- when she got a job at the same place as H, they only ran into each other a few times over a couple years, it is a huge complex with multiple buildings (each would tell me ' hey I saw so and so over in our building today)...but after his mom died, I asked her to 'keep an eye on him' to make sure he was doing okay...BAD IDEA I know now.....yea, she kept her eye on him alright. 3) Go out of his way to avoid contact or close work relationship with any female. yep. 4) Never go out to bar, party, gatherings alone without you. CHECK! He never did before, he isn't a bar guy, not even a happy hour guy..which should have tipped me off b/c during the A he used that as an excuse a couple of times saying he HAD to go since he never did before and the big bosses expected to see him...I was totally trusting. 5) Always put you first. Let's hope so..time will tell 6) Apologizing to you, your (fill in the blanks). Someone who cares about you, such as your parents, sister, etc. he has prostrated himself apologizing and has apologized maybe a thousand times by now...keep em coming is all I can think! I only told one friend. a friend to our M. When she came to visit (she lives out of town) he immediatly apologized to her and told her how ashamed he was, how sorry he was , etc etc how much he loves me etc etc, how sorry he was to put her thru this as well... 7) Postnuptual agreement, giving you virtually all his assets if you end up divorcing, even if it's 5 years down the road. Hmm had not thought of that...now I am! 8) ....the list goes on and on. thanks Sunray!
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 So Foreal, how did it go last night? Did you both burn the evidence? Did you feel relief? How did your H react. Athena, You and Sunray are cracking me up...but I digress.. GOD IT FELT GREAT!! I shredded it all, by myself....but asked H if he'd like to burn it with me. It was a HUGE pile! i was taken back by the quantity (you know how once shredded it puffs up), H was shocked too. So we burned it... I felt really great.....H looked really miserable...I was all smiles, he was all sad...I asked him, "doesnt it feel good to see me do this?" and he said something along the lines of ' yes I am happy it is making you feel better...seeing all this just makes me think what a Fup I am and how horribly I treated you'..so for him it made him feel like sh** b/c it was a visual that was hard to deny: a mountain of texts, phone bills, hotel receipts, bars etc..what a fool he was, and that is what he was thinking of himself...He was very quiet afterward...But man I was dancing on the inside and smiling on the outside! I feel liberated...I can still go online and get all the records if need be..but the act of shredding then burning was great....I don't feel trapped anymore by HIS stupidity. He was an idiot. Not me. And I feel as though I just kicked my obsession's arse....ahhhhhhhh, good stuff. We had some great sex this morning too....that helped;)
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Athena, You and Sunray are cracking me up...but I digress.. I know, right? GOD IT FELT GREAT!! I shredded it all, by myself....but asked H if he'd like to burn it with me. It was a HUGE pile! i was taken back by the quantity (you know how once shredded it puffs up), H was shocked too. So we burned it... I felt really great.....H looked really miserable...I was all smiles, he was all sad...I asked him, "doesnt it feel good to see me do this?" and he said something along the lines of ' yes I am happy it is making you feel better...seeing all this just makes me think what a Fup I am and how horribly I treated you'..so for him it made him feel like sh** b/c it was a visual that was hard to deny: a mountain of texts, phone bills, hotel receipts, bars etc..what a fool he was, and that is what he was thinking of himself...He was very quiet afterward...But man I was dancing on the inside and smiling on the outside! Good for you! It helped you -- you freed yourself from all the 'holding' onto the 'evidence'... and I think it's good that your H was affected by the visual evidence of his secret affair... and made him feel bad. Feeling bad is what keeps most of us on the straight and narrow. It's called having a Conscience. We had some great sex this morning too....that helped;) Thats always a good thing! Bonding n all.
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Athena are you going to post while on holiday?
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Athena are you going to post while on holiday? Yes I am! There will be Internet cafes all over there! Even though we will be traveling, what with four kids with us (our 2 and their 2 friends) we will have to stop by the Internet cafe's for them to "plug in"! I am really starting to feel apprehensive about dealing with H on vacation... whew... deep breathing here required!
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Yes, it's true -- I am fascinated by people with personality disorders. I want to find out what makes them tick. But the thing is with you -- you are on LoveShack for years and never disclose any personal information about yourself, always changing from screen name to screen name, judging people harshly, being rude, not generally helpful and very very secretive and private. Why? Some people avoid the disordered. Clearly I do not... I am curious about them. As for you, I reckon you are about 28 years old, male, unmarried, probably a virgin, live with your parents and sibling. You have been raised with Black and White views on life and feel smug about yourself because you have not committed any major transgressions. However, on the other hand, you have also not gained much at all... no wife at your age... You need to take more Risks. Open up a little. As much as you feel you are educated (to an arrogant degree) you actually are only educated book-wise, and you sadly lack real-life experience. Start living your life for real. let me guess! "Hater! " Right? Wrong, well mostly. You're only right on two of those guesses. Your imagination of me being this nerdy kid with no social skills is far from the truth. Having high moral values doesn't have to be exclusive with that stereotype, you know.
Gamine Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Yes I am! There will be Internet cafes all over there! Even though we will be traveling, what with four kids with us (our 2 and their 2 friends) we will have to stop by the Internet cafe's for them to "plug in"! I am really starting to feel apprehensive about dealing with H on vacation... whew... deep breathing here required! Athena, I will be sending you white light filled with LOVE and PEACE for you and your family. Good vibes for Athena!
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Athena, I will be sending you white light filled with LOVE and PEACE for you and your family. Good vibes for Athena! thank you Gamine, I feel them! I open my heart for all good things, thank you. And all the best to you!
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Wrong, well mostly. You're only right on two of those guesses. Gotcha -- Male and Unmarried Your imagination of me being this nerdy kid with no social skills is far from the truth. Having high moral values doesn't have to be exclusive with that stereotype, you know. You're not a Social Misfit IRL?! Oh, then why are you, online? You mean to say you suddenly 'change your character' online? Lots of people have high moral values, it's not synonymous with being nasty. Being nasty indicates a personality flaw... know what I mean?!
PhoenixRise Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Foreal Can I just say BRAVO to you. I think your anger was good. I think it is a sign of self esteem and a signal of your esteem for your marriage. Your outrage says that you care enough about yourself that you won't just accept being stepped on. AND good for you for recognizing when the anger changed from being an affirmation of your worth to a destructive force that was harming you. You did the right thing for yourself when you burned the evidence. I understand the obsessing. I did my share. I kept the evidence, but I don't dwell on it anymore. For me, it was learning to trust myself that helped me stop obsessing, it had very little to do with trusting my H.
PhoenixRise Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Yes I am! There will be Internet cafes all over there! Even though we will be traveling, what with four kids with us (our 2 and their 2 friends) we will have to stop by the Internet cafe's for them to "plug in"! I am really starting to feel apprehensive about dealing with H on vacation... whew... deep breathing here required! Athena Wherever you are going, I hope it is beautiful and that you get to enjoy it. You H will be who he has always been, nothing has changed there. You, on the other hand are NOT the same as you have always been. You are stronger and wiser. You can handle his presence, No Sweat. Safe Journey.
silktricks Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Transparancy can be one of the extraordinary measures. Here is more: 1) Be completely accountable to where he is outside the house, including calling you during lunch, etc. 2) NEVER ever to be alone, give advice to, befriend another female. 3) Go out of his way to avoid contact or close work relationship with any female. 4) Never go out to bar, party, gatherings alone without you. 5) Always put you first. 6) Apologizing to you, your (fill in the blanks). Someone who cares about you, such as your parents, sister, etc. 7) Postnuptual agreement, giving you virtually all his assets if you end up divorcing, even if it's 5 years down the road. 8) ....the list goes on and on. Hmmmm... Sorry, but I do not like this list. (no offense). The only item I agree with is number 4, and that depends upon the gathering. But I certainly agree about the bar... item 2 has possibilities, but doesn't fit in many scenarios. What if the man is a social worker, or even a supervisor and has women working for him? The key to fidelity is not to make it impossible to cheat. The key to fidelity is to make it so he (or you) wouldn't even think of cheating no matter the circumstances. You cannot set things up so that you are "safe" because he is wrapped in a cocoon(sp?) of rules and/or guilt. That won't make you safe, it will only make the marriage miserable for one or both of you. Yes, you are hurt right now, and you need to be able to see that he sorrows over what he has done. You need right now to know where he is for your own sanity, you need to know a lot of things... right now... but you do not want to live your life that way. You want to live your life so that you trust again. I can only say what helped me - and what helped me the most was truly (at a gut level) understanding everything that went into him taking those painful steps. And knowing without a doubt that it wouldn't happen again. Not because I kept an eagle eye on him - but because he realized what had happened that brought him to that point, and wouldn't let it happen to himself again.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 True, there are some people who are stronger than me -- they can simply employ self saving mode, and kick the cheater out and move on with their lives... dexter morgan is a poster who springs to mind. The opposite is me, who will put up with umpteen episodes, then try to 'help' the cheater change his ways, or Want to change his ways, and even resort to self-damaging actions to get him to do so. well, although I didn't try "umpteen" times to try to change a cheating wife, I didn't just up and kick her to the curb so easily. But after I did, in hindsight, I can NOW send a cheater packing and not look back. My experience has helped shield me from those kinds of women. Sure, they can cheat, but it isn't going to hurt me, nor will I put up with it. But in the beginning with my marriage, I did put up with it...but only for a short couple months.
misternoname Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 A word of warning...the aftermath of an affair is like a cancer. Thoughts of her in bed with him would pop up in my head at utterly random times. I'm talking years later. Sometimes I would ignore it and act like all was well. Other times I would lash out at her. 24 years later it STILL ate at me. I did everything in my power to lock it away but I never could. Unfortunately just as I was starting to trust her again she went and had another A (and then another!). During our feeble attempt at reconciliation she said "I don't want to live with a spy." Hell...what was I supposed to do? Trust her without hesitation? We're divorced now and I'm so much happier because I didn't want to live with a spy either (me!). Good luck. You have a tough road ahead of you.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 A word of warning...the aftermath of an affair is like a cancer. Thoughts of her in bed with him would pop up in my head at utterly random times. I'm talking years later. Sometimes I would ignore it and act like all was well. Other times I would lash out at her. 24 years later it STILL ate at me. thats the problem with staying someone that cheated. not saying that if one leaves a cheater that they don't think about it from time to time....I have before. Difference is, if I stayed with her, the thoughts in my head would be torture to me....now if one pops in there, it has no effect in the way of hurt or pain. She is insignificant to me and I laugh at her when I think of what she is. That and think her new man is in for a rude awakening in a year or two.
Reggie Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I have to agree that divorce may be the best route toward healing. I know reconciliation is often put out there as the gold standard. I think getting away from a cheater is best for most folks. I think there should be more advocacy for going that route relaitvely quickly.
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