foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 What kind of people cannot get beyond the devastation of an A? Not serial cheaters etc, but the run of the mill, WS had an affair during a period of extreme stress, etc many years into what was always a really happy M...OW showed up, on a platter and WH took the bait...he is totally remorseful and doing all the right things a WS shoudl be doing..so it is not a matter of the WH being an Ahole (anymore, of course he was during the A)...he's been walking the walk........ but what kind of person cannot live with it? And what kind of person can? I don't know if I can.
SidLyon Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 What kind of people cannot get beyond the devastation of an A? Not serial cheaters etc, but the run of the mill, WS had an affair during a period of extreme stress, etc many years into what was always a really happy M...OW showed up, on a platter and WH took the bait...he is totally remorseful and doing all the right things a WS shoudl be doing..so it is not a matter of the WH being an Ahole (anymore, of course he was during the A)...he's been walking the walk........ but what kind of person cannot live with it? And what kind of person can? I don't know if I can. I ask myself this too. I don't even think it's all that much to do with the extent of the betrayal. My H had one A but it lasted several years and was more or less over when d-day occurred. There were also the internet dating sites and massage parlours for "hand relief" although that too stopped many years ago. This is all serious betrayal but I have still had only the one d-day (9 months ago now). I'm a strong person - certainly strong enough to end our marriage but not sure if I'm strong enough to continue. My H is doing everything right at present and knows if he strays again then that will be it. Nevertheless if he never transgresses again will I be one of the ones that can get past it and have a successful marriage? This is the big question and I still don't know the answer. We went through a stage of "hysterical bonding" (as it's called). Even though that has passed we have an excellent sex life now with no complaints from either of us. It's really the best since we married - which is in part because I got pregnant with twins on our wedding night and sadly for me pregnancy, its complications, prem babies and breastfeeding put an end to an active sex life for the next few years. I think this was discussed in another thread but there's no doubt in my mind that if we manage to build a better marriage, the better sex life we now have will have been a major factor. S
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Weigh it against what drives you, as a person, foreal. Where does cheating fall, on your scale of "Thou shalt nots" and not necessarily from a religious perspective but your own personal core values.As well, are you the type of person who can forgive and forget, easily?How easy is it for you to trust people in general?As for myself, if my ex-spouse hadn't been a serial cheater and just a run-o-the-mill remorseful cheater, it wouldn't have mattered. We'd still be divorced. To me, cheating is a dealbreaker within any relationship and worse yet, within a marriage.
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Weigh it against what drives you, as a person, foreal. Where does cheating fall, on your scale of "Thou shalt nots" and not necessarily from a religious perspective but your own personal core values. [*]As well, are you the type of person who can forgive and forget, easily?How easy is it for you to trust people in general? My take on forgiving is 3 times... first time I forgive, second time forgive with good extenuating circumstances and much caution... third time is the LAST time... with my H I Forgave him (too) easily (in retrospect) for D-day 1 of two affairs, D-Day 2 of three affairs Wiped Me Out emotionally... so much so that by the time D-Day 3 came I told him very very clearly that if he Ever cheated again, I would divorce him.... alas... he did it again and D-Day 4 opened my eyes to the reality that he has major issues that wont go away, and that he lies about wanting to change his ways... I told him I would divorce him, yet he cried and threatened suicide and a bunch of other tactics... while I was 'laying low' watching and waiting... whoops! He did it Again! (music)... with Affair 8 on D-Day 5. I am done trusting him. I am done forgiving him. I have NOT forgiven him for the last two affairs... to know the pain and hell he put me through before and to willfully do it again is unbelievable to me. So -- <<are you the type of person who can forgive and forget easily?>> yes, but how many times can a person forgive and forget for the SAME hurt? There comes a time when you must look at the person -- at their Behavior... that their Words of Remorse actually match up to their Changed Ways... and all of this takes the Test of Time. Time will tell you whether you will forgive him and move on, because you will have your answer in time. He will be either one way or the other -- reformed or cheating again. If all is going well for now, then hang in there and wait.
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Weigh it against what drives you, as a person, foreal. Where does cheating fall, on your scale of "Thou shalt nots" and not necessarily from a religious perspective but your own personal core values.As well, are you the type of person who can forgive and forget, easily?How easy is it for you to trust people in general?As for myself, if my ex-spouse hadn't been a serial cheater and just a run-o-the-mill remorseful cheater, it wouldn't have mattered. We'd still be divorced. To me, cheating is a dealbreaker within any relationship and worse yet, within a marriage. Additionally, I have now got zero tolerance for cheating from a SO so if a future mate does this, I will not put up with it again.
Spark1111 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 TIME will tell Foreal, I too remained unsure for a very long time. It is 2 years since DDay, and we are in a better place. IC and MC helped enormously, in addition to my growing stronger and seeing the affair for what is was; a diversion and avoidance from doing the introspective work my WS needed to do to determine WHY he was so unhappy with HIMSELF; why he needed someone else to validate his fragile ego. He crashed into an also needy and insecure person, and they spent their time telling each other how wonderful and misunderstood they both were, as they lied to everyone, including themselves. Okay, I get it. But that does not mean I will ever go through this pain again for anyone. So I take one day at a time and assess the landscape often; demand transparency and clarity, kindness and respect, and continue to work to make MYSELF a stronger happier person. I go forward now confidently, and have stopped allowing his betrayal to define my life, though it will always be a part of our marital history. When experiencing any sort of personal trauma, the rule of thumb is to give yourself one to two years to make a life altering decision. Athena is right. Time WILL tell you what you need to decide.
Gamine Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Additionally, I have now got zero tolerance for cheating from a SO so if a future mate does this, I will not put up with it again. I'm with you on this one Athena. What is so difficult about making a decision to be with one person? Either one is FOR it or AGAINST it. If one is for it, then marry. If against it, don't marry... play the field... do as you wish. That is the singular, most confusing aspect of cheating in my mind's eye. Often in the OW/OM forums there is so much dialogue regarding their love 'as a love they just cannot help'. I say, fine, then don't be married. The MP creates all of this drama concerning their hopelessly flawed and incapable spouse who has trapped them as a prisoner, aside of the nymph with whom they share 'such a unique and undeniable chemistry'. The chemistry that they speak of is called the excitement over the 'forbidden fruit'. All newly found love is excitement filled. I remember... I dated quite a lot. However, I do know one thing. I know that when I said 'I do' it was a choice... a decision. I'll never understand the lack of integrity in a person who knowingly and actively lives a life contrary to their fundamental purpose and parlays 'decisions' into prisons. No one has forced anyone to do anything... let alone be married. Yet, it is used almost as a game by some. They get the comfort of stability from one partner, and the variety and excitement from another. A spouse is privileged to intimately touch their partner in ways that no other human being in the universe may. And what I mean by touch is not only the physical... but the heart, emotions, the mind, and the entire life of their spouse. OW/OM see it as a competition where there is an 'offense' created when the wife/husband draws a line in the sand and says "NO". They angrily stomp their feet and declare their hurt that their MP wouldn't abandon the spouse and life they've created. But in the getting of this person they have torn them down. They may have participated in someone now simply becoming less than who they were when they first met. In order to have... they have to ruin. And, that is where the wrong comes into play. I wonder, Athena, about the suicide threat stuff from your husband. Don't you wonder why that is? I mean it boils down to choices. Marriage means fidelity. Do it or don't do it... but for heaven's sake don't do it and then complain about it. It almost sounds like..."What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine...". Selfish and babyish. For me, I am still at a crossroads. My husband is profoundly remorseful. If there were ever to be anything so disrespectful to my life and our marriage again... on any level... I told him.... I have a passport and I'll empty our bank account and disappear. I won't give him or the OW the fuel for drama. I'm gone with no opportunity to discuss it, make it up to me, or play the poor abused husband. Nope. I'll disappear and leave him on the hook. I'll be off in Paris...
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Weigh it against what drives you, as a person, foreal. Where does cheating fall, on your scale of "Thou shalt nots" and not necessarily from a religious perspective but your own personal core values. UNACCEPTABLEAs well, are you the type of person who can forgive and forget, easily? NOHow easy is it for you to trust people in general? Before this, I trusted easily As for myself, if my ex-spouse hadn't been a serial cheater and just a run-o-the-mill remorseful cheater, it wouldn't have mattered. We'd still be divorced. To me, cheating is a dealbreaker within any relationship and worse yet, within a marriage. Where does cheating fall, on your scale of "Thou shalt nots" and not necessarily from a religious perspective but your own personal core values. UNACCEPTABLEAs well, are you the type of person who can forgive and forget, easily? NOHow easy is it for you to trust people in general? Before this, I trusted easily I want to keep my family together, but at what cost to my soul? I am not a religious person per se. I just feel shattered. And I dont see how that will change...I feel like I am treading deep water and keep getting pushed back under it, I am in a perpetual state of drowning..............but I want to get to the beach, climb out, dry off, and move on with my H and son.....I cannot imagine 2 years of this....or a lifetime.....I want to just run away....butthe thought of my life w/o my H is even more painful... god he really screwed up, and he knows it....but I cannot seem to forgive...I dont even want to forgive him b/c it is unforgivable....but if he still loves me (he does) and is doing everything possible to help me heal, why am I unable to move on? Or at least stop the venomous destructive thoughts? I keep going back to the second he decided to sleep with MOW....he was only thinking of himself.....and that is not computing in my brain..after 20 years? Why why why?
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 My IC said my H is vulnerable right now..that he is unable to take the barrage I deliver daily..that he needs to get stronger. I can see that to a point, but I am out of control with my feelings of anger and cannot seem to stop putting him down, emasculating him, spewing words that cut him to the core....and he has much experience wiith this from his mom.....I feel as though I am turing into HER! She was a vile vicious person that we stayed away from b/c she was so cruel...and now here I am turning into her....before she died she told me she wanted her children to fight once she was gone....her dieing wish came true..
Gamine Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 You owe yourself the privilege of giving yourself some time to allow the dust to settle. Finding out about infidelity is as if a nuclear explosion went off destroying everything you understand about your existence.... and, while still in a daze, being handed a screenplay with your parts highlighted in red... with a footnote that explains this: "Up and until this second you believed you were a certain person, your spouse was a certain person and your life was a certain way. Be advised you are now THIS person, he is now THIS person, and YOUR LIFE is now upside down. Please read this part carefully, adapt this very second, and give up all attachments to anything you believed about yourself, your marriage and your life... You are now no longer a wife and he your husband. You are now a BS and he is a WS as well as being someone's affair partner." It hurts like hell to know your husband was carnally enjoyed by a woman with no strings... when you have so many on you ... you can barely get beyond it. It is unfair and hurtful. It took me over a year to be able to truly grasp the new 'screenplay role' I was handed. Then, I decided to throw the whole thing away and just be me. Not see myself as a BS. I am a woman. I am me. You have to give yourself some kindness here. Others may disagree, however I did not offer mine any comfort for the trauma he had over his affair. The way I look at it is ... it was an enjoyment. Now, it is no longer enjoyable because the bomb went off. He may be disappointed in himself... and rightfully so. As for the one cheated on... well, I'd have to say that maybe taking a pie in the face isn't so bad when you've brought a nuclear bomb home.
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Where does cheating fall, on your scale of "Thou shalt nots" and not necessarily from a religious perspective but your own personal core values. UNACCEPTABLEAs well, are you the type of person who can forgive and forget, easily? NOHow easy is it for you to trust people in general? Before this, I trusted easilyI want to keep my family together, but at what cost to my soul? I am not a religious person per se. I just feel shattered. And I dont see how that will change...I feel like I am treading deep water and keep getting pushed back under it, I am in a perpetual state of drowning..............but I want to get to the beach, climb out, dry off, and move on with my H and son.....I cannot imagine 2 years of this....or a lifetime.....I want to just run away....butthe thought of my life w/o my H is even more painful... god he really screwed up, and he knows it....but I cannot seem to forgive...I dont even want to forgive him b/c it is unforgivable....but if he still loves me (he does) and is doing everything possible to help me heal, why am I unable to move on? Or at least stop the venomous destructive thoughts? I keep going back to the second he decided to sleep with MOW....he was only thinking of himself.....and that is not computing in my brain..after 20 years? Why why why? Your anger and frustration is normal and palpable, but it's something you have to get ahold of, regardless of whether you plan to stay or go. Think of those times where you've had to let anger go and try to emulate this, as best as you can, whenever you can. As previously suggested but not to you, by another member in another thread, set up a time on a daily basis, that you can vent all you need to, for 15 minutes. Let him know the plan so he can buffer himself during this time. Then the rest of the time, try to let it go. It's true you can't live like this for 2 years. You're going to not only kill yourself with pain but everyone around you, including your innocent children. Yes, he's screwed up and also did screw up. But you have to realize that most often, there's no intent to hurt anyone, just selfishness. If you can compartmentalize the two between actions to person, maybe you can save the marriage but most importantly, save your own sanity as well as your children's sanity. A war zone isn't a healthy place to live. ((hugs)) and much sympathy.
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Foreal it's actually painful for me to read your posts because you are suffering the same way I did, and just to read the hell you are now going through, throws me back to those days post D-day. The days in which I simply COULD NOT BELIEVE MY H, MY BELOVED HUSBAND WOULD EVER CHEAT ON ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. After all, wasn't HE the most adoring, loving, grateful husband? Did he not carry me up four flights of stairs after a full day's sightseeing in the Mediterranean? Did he not make me sit at the kitchen table while he got a tub of warm water, soap, and a washcloth and lovingly washed my feet? Then dried them, massaged them with lotion, and kiss them tenderly? Was this not the man who was CRAZY about me? The man that told me how, when he was a little boy growing up in one part of Africa, he would look up at the blue skies and the sun, and KNOW there was a girl somewhere looking at the same sun, who was his TRUE LOVE? That he KNEW I was there somewhere? And that he FOUND me? How lucky he was, how much he loved me, how we slept at night with me in his arms with my head on his chest (for over twenty years) and that I felt it was the SAFEST place in the worlds to be! God... I want to cry. Even today with my heart grown cold to him the pain HITS me. Can you hear my loud cry escape my sobs and my disbelief that this could be my loss? Yes I am alone today in the house and I can cry out in pain because no one can hear me, especially not him. <<crying in pain>> doubled over in pain.
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Foreal it's actually painful for me to read your posts because you are suffering the same way I did, and just to read the hell you are now going through, throws me back to those days post D-day. The days in which I simply COULD NOT BELIEVE MY H, MY BELOVED HUSBAND WOULD EVER CHEAT ON ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. After all, wasn't HE the most adoring, loving, grateful husband? Did he not carry me up four flights of stairs after a full day's sightseeing in the Mediterranean? Did he not make me sit at the kitchen table while he got a tub of warm water, soap, and a washcloth and lovingly washed my feet? Then dried them, massaged them with lotion, and kiss them tenderly? Was this not the man who was CRAZY about me? The man that told me how, when he was a little boy growing up in one part of Africa, he would look up at the blue skies and the sun, and KNOW there was a girl somewhere looking at the same sun, who was his TRUE LOVE? That he KNEW I was there somewhere? And that he FOUND me? How lucky he was, how much he loved me, how we slept at night with me in his arms with my head on his chest (for over twenty years) and that I felt it was the SAFEST place in the worlds to be! God... I want to cry. Even today with my heart grown cold to him the pain HITS me. Can you hear my loud cry escape my sobs and my disbelief that this could be my loss? Yes I am alone today in the house and I can cry out in pain because no one can hear me, especially not him. <<crying in pain>> doubled over in pain. Oh Athena i am so sorry. I cannot bear to think of what could become of all this. My H was that way for me too....it is the unthinkable, the unimaginable that has happened to us. I have read a lot of your other posts....I can't believe how forgiving you are- I am struggling with one - to do what you have done, the forgiveness and openess of your heart....my God you are so strong. I do take solice from your story...if you can survive all that has come your way, then I can too. I just put my son down for a nap so I am online now....please know I am here, I am thinking of you and wishing so badly I could help you in some way. But I am here and I will listen. I am beginning to shred the calendar of the 'dates' I marked up in one of my obsessive all nighters....I dont care if people will say NO DONT DO IT!! No matter what happens, I need this crap away from me..keeping it or not wont change anything.. so I am here shreddin' away so keep posting, I will check back...... can you make yourself a nice bath and go soak for a bit?
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Hi Foreal, I am back again... I put my energy into cleaning up the house... got to do something with that 'energy' (pain, rage, hurt cries). Thank you for thinking of me too, and I am thinking of you. I DO understand the way you feel, and I agree with you to shred the evidence. See, your H cannot quite remember the dates and all, and the last thing you want to do is to Remind him of the dates each time you look on that dreaded calendar! With time, his escapades will be a blur and you do not need to be the one to keep the records... it will just make it unbearable for you. Today I am going to sort out the house since we are leaving for an overseas vacation on Wednesday and I need to organize the plants, cats, lol there is a frog and a praying mantis too!! and the pool. The lights to come on and off, the house alarm, the cars. A neighbor's son will come in every day to feed the pets. But -- despite all the preparations, I am feeling a bit in dread of being on vacation with my H. My counselor says I must just enjoy the family vacation and if he gets into a 'heavy' talk, to not reciprocate but just keep it shallow and superficial. I find it very, very sad that we will not make it. It is such a waste. It is so unnecessary. What else is there to do? When you first get hit by the knowledge and understanding you want to curl up and die. Then you get mad angry, then you try settle with the history and carry on with life. If you are lucky and have a truly remorseful spouse who wishes to turn over a new leaf, then you do with time, learn to get over it, and the memories are not as painful, they merely become 'facts'. However, if you have a spouse who says all the right things, but in time you discover he is back to his cheating ways, you have to make the decision to walk away, as impossible as that feels, you have to do either that, or self-destruct. By self-destruct I mean you wish you could die, or you get obsessive, fearful, angry, crazed, or start acting in ways you never would have before all the pain you were dealt. True, there are some people who are stronger than me -- they can simply employ self saving mode, and kick the cheater out and move on with their lives... dexter morgan is a poster who springs to mind. The opposite is me, who will put up with umpteen episodes, then try to 'help' the cheater change his ways, or Want to change his ways, and even resort to self-damaging actions to get him to do so. You put your life on hold, you fold in, you focus on the WS and you do everything in your power to Change events, but you simply cannot do this without their desire to change, and the effort to stay out of trouble. The bottom line is some people have deep character flaws and will not change. Others are very self-centered. When I read about posters like the one who is drinking herself into a stupor and wishing death upon herself (betrayedMama) then I wonder what the hell is going on... is all that crap really worth a shag in secret? I have had enough of molly-coddling my H since I suspect he is actually heartless and not so much helpless as he made out to be... I have wanted to hurt him back to the core, so that he could cry in his heart, like I have. Because that way, I am sure he will finally understand what it feels like, and have a chance to stop cheating, to change his ways... but as long as he never felt that pain, he would merely continue as far as he was able to get away with it. Foreal, throw out the evidence and try to forget the specifics. Try focus on yourself and do things you can feel proud of. Get further education, go exercise, get new clothes and make-up. Feel Good about yourself in every way. Don't retreat into your shell to lick your wounds, because you only wind up feeling vulnerable and in a worse position than before. You have to act from a position of strength. All I can advise you is to try not to take it personally -- what your H did, he did from weakness, and it is not a reflection of you or your relationship. You must try to remain strong, so he can climb back up to your level, and not have yourself fall down into the pit of despair, because it will be hard to get up from there. Strength to you Foreal.
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 IT IS ALLLL SHREDDED!! And tonite, we will burn it together..i am sure some will say I made a mistake but I already feel better doing it. Thank you Athena!! ...I hope your vacation is a happy one.....when do you leave for your trip?? again, I wish you a safe and happy one!! i did not realize you and your H are still together.....do you think your H can change or wants to? I hope he can and does. Are you planning on remaining with him? IS he in MC/IC?? Thanks again Athena...
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 IT IS ALLLL SHREDDED!! And tonite, we will burn it together..i am sure some will say I made a mistake but I already feel better doing it. Thank you Athena!! ...I hope your vacation is a happy one.....when do you leave for your trip?? again, I wish you a safe and happy one!! i did not realize you and your H are still together.....do you think your H can change or wants to? I hope he can and does. Are you planning on remaining with him? IS he in MC/IC?? Thanks again Athena... Glad to hear that your physical act of destroying the evidence of the betrayal is helping you!! My H works abroad. We will meet up overseas for a family trip. Kids are taking a friend each, plus my brother's family will be staying for a while when we are at my mother's home, so it will be a family event. That's why I don't wish to 'get into' all those heavy talks again with H... We leave this Wednesday, three week holiday... beach, sun, blue skies, sightseeing, family. It can be nice. A bit odd, since I am going to be sleeping in the same bed as H, but I simply won't allow any sex (he came home in June and I refused for the first time, since I found out he had cheated in March, abroad). I am sure he's up to his old tricks there right now, and taking care of business in the sex department anyway, so he will likely tolerate my rejection. Your son is a toddler? How old are you and your H? I do understand your trying to stay together to keep your family intact. I did this too. Now our children are young adults and H and I are in our forties... time flies.
Author foreal Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Glad to hear that your physical act of destroying the evidence of the betrayal is helping you!! My H works abroad. We will meet up overseas for a family trip. Kids are taking a friend each, plus my brother's family will be staying for a while when we are at my mother's home, so it will be a family event. That's why I don't wish to 'get into' all those heavy talks again with H... We leave this Wednesday, three week holiday... beach, sun, blue skies, sightseeing, family. It can be nice. A bit odd, since I am going to be sleeping in the same bed as H, but I simply won't allow any sex (he came home in June and I refused for the first time, since I found out he had cheated in March, abroad). I am sure he's up to his old tricks there right now, and taking care of business in the sex department anyway, so he will likely tolerate my rejection. Your son is a toddler? How old are you and your H? I do understand your trying to stay together to keep your family intact. I did this too. Now our children are young adults and H and I are in our forties... time flies. We are both in our 40s..married over 20+ years..never planned on or wanted kids...what a surprise! Difficult adjustment for us, for H especially..he had me all to himself for 2 decades, then I got preggers (after I hit 40 I figured I was 'safe'......!...NOT!!) then his mom died, laid off from work, got a new job, better but much more pressure, we had family members come live with us b/c they were out of work, just a mess all around after our son was born....(he is 2 yrs old now) I was so distracted trying to be a mom (and an older one at that) we just became so busy w/ stuff we never before had to deal with (the kid, the jobs, death, family members who sucked the $$ and life out of us)...and he was in a bad way emotionally----me too--- but my focus was our son....maybe I would have cheated too if goven the opportunity (not much action though on the playgroundhahsah!) H meanwhile was drifting off into "what good am I for anyway? She doesnt need me at all, as long as I keep the $$ coming in" etc etc..our sex life decreased dramitically but more than that we just stopped making time for each other......time for everyone else but US. and enter MOW (a friend of mine who is in a loveless marriage who told me for years how lucky I was...god, and I even confided in her that the two of us were not as close as we were before the baby, that we were not communicating like we used to) who offered herself constantly on a silver platter to my H....no excuse of course, but he took the bait...and she decided they were 'soul mates'.....thank god he didnt feel the same..she filled a void, he was lonely and depressed and says now he really thought I no longer loved him and he thought perhaps he stopped loving me..again MOW filled that void.....it hurts bad. I hate her, and I hate that he did not tell her to F off the first time she hit on him..but I guess it made him feel loved and adored and needed, as I was giving what I used to give to him to our son...she had the play book b/c I unknowingly gave it to her...I do hope the karma bus creams her, SOON. But Geez! Like I told him, couldnt you wait another few months till our kid was done breast feeding? guess not....
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 What kind of people cannot get beyond the devastation of an A? Not serial cheaters etc, but the run of the mill, WS had an affair during a period of extreme stress, etc many years into what was always a really happy M...OW showed up, on a platter and WH took the bait...he is totally remorseful and doing all the right things a WS shoudl be doing..so it is not a matter of the WH being an Ahole (anymore, of course he was during the A)...he's been walking the walk........ but what kind of person cannot live with it? And what kind of person can? I don't know if I can. Did they work together? Are they still working together? Does the OW's husband know about the affair? Did you expose the affair to EVERYONE whom your H respects? What is your H doing to prevent any future affairs from happening? What extraordinary precautions is he taking to prevent it from happening say 5 years down the road when the devastation is a distant in the past?
Author foreal Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Did they work together? YES...she got a job there 3 years ago...she is in another building- they saw each other rarely... but she began to make her way to see him often (her lunch breaks etc) right after his mom died (I actaully encouraged her to see him, as we were all friends, and I thought she could help provide support!! YIKES, big mistake on my part....) Are they still working together? Yes, which sucks- he is looking for another job but things are tight right now-...she contacted him 3 times at work since he sent the NC letter (1 week post Dday), he called me immediatly from work to tell me...each time she was angry with him, yelling etc. She has not contacted him since May (1 month post Dday)..each time she broke NC was after I did something (see below) Does the OW's husband know about the affair? Yes, I told him..(which was one of the times she broke NC to yell at my H and to tell him to tell ME to F Off!! ha!). .Did you expose the affair to EVERYONE whom your H respects? No...just one good friend knows..If we seperate and/or D I will tell everyone, but in the spirit of Reconciliation I have held off.. for myself, not him What is your H doing to prevent any future affairs from happening? IC, MC, transparent, reading books, exploring the whys of it all- he is doing what a WS should do, from what the MC and books and on here say.. What extraordinary precautions is he taking to prevent it from happening say 5 years down the road when the devastation is a distant in the past?THIS I DON'T KNOW...like what extraordinary measures? Can you give me an example? THANK YOU!!
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 THIS I DON'T KNOW...like what extraordinary measures? Can you give me an example? THANK YOU!! Transparancy can be one of the extraordinary measures. Here is more: 1) Be completely accountable to where he is outside the house, including calling you during lunch, etc. 2) NEVER ever to be alone, give advice to, befriend another female. 3) Go out of his way to avoid contact or close work relationship with any female. 4) Never go out to bar, party, gatherings alone without you. 5) Always put you first. 6) Apologizing to you, your (fill in the blanks). Someone who cares about you, such as your parents, sister, etc. 7) Postnuptual agreement, giving you virtually all his assets if you end up divorcing, even if it's 5 years down the road. 8) ....the list goes on and on.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Transparancy can be one of the extraordinary measures. Here is more: 1) Be completely accountable to where he is outside the house, including calling you during lunch, etc. 2) NEVER ever to be alone, give advice to, befriend another female. 3) Go out of his way to avoid contact or close work relationship with any female. 4) Never go out to bar, party, gatherings alone without you. 5) Always put you first. 6) Apologizing to you, your (fill in the blanks). Someone who cares about you, such as your parents, sister, etc. 7) Postnuptual agreement, giving you virtually all his assets if you end up divorcing, even if it's 5 years down the road. 8) ....the list goes on and on. I like this list. Particularly number 2
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I like this list. Particularly number 2 At first, you think I am "good" and now, you're "like" my list. What's going on here?
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 At first, you think I am "good" and now, you're "like" my list. What's going on here? Eh? I give credit where it's due. That's all.
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Eh? I give credit where it's due. That's all. Just admit it, you're fascinated with me.
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