ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Sorry for the long post but I need some advice. I've been dating a woman for more than six months now. We are both divorced single parents and things seem to be going well. We talk every day. We are affectionate and we have a good physical relationship. The other day she was over for the evening and we were cuddling on the bed watching TV as we often do when I decided to tell her that I loved her for the first time. I gustured for her to look at me, I gave her a gentle kiss and I told her. To my surprise.....Nothing! She didn't say a word, was basically expressionless, rolled back over and continued to watch TV! She continued to cuddle with me for the rest of the night but barely spoke and certainly didn't say anything about that. I admit, I was a quiet myself as I was taken back by her reaction. She got up at one point and then came back and started cuddling again. At the end of the evening we hugged and kissed and she went home. (My kids were home so I wasn't expecting her to stay.) There was no acknowledgement at all and she carried on like I had said nothing at all. When she got home, she texted me to tell me she had gotten home and we sent texts back and forth for a few minutes, joking around a little before calling it a night. Since then she has been a little aloof. I know her job as been stressful over the last while and that could have something to do with it so I asked her if everything was ok and she said she was feeling overwhelmed and went on to say that work was only part of it but wouldn't elaborate. I saw her the next day and she was almost cold at first. I went to give her a kiss and she kissed me but when I sat beside her, she made no effort to cuddle up to me as she normally would. As the evening wore on, she was a little better. At the end of the evening she gave me a hug and a kiss, rubbed my butt and seemed somewhat more warm. Then when I talked to her later in the evening, she seemed cold again. She seemed cold again today too. What is going on here? Any advice would be helpful. I am completely confused. I feel like I have done something wrong and I'm almost expecting that she is going to tell me that she wants to break up. but on the other hand I have always acted loving towards her so it should be no surprise to her for me to say it. Furthermore, the way she has acted towards me would suggest to me that she has some kind of feelings for me. The way she is acting doesn't make sense to me. Any thoughts???
Fay Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I think she... cares about you but is not in love with you and the knowledge that you're in love with her is making her uncomfortable. Too late now; can't close those floodgates. Maybe over time she'll grow to love you? The L-bomb is always a risk we take.
Art_Critic Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 As of right now she doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about her.. Simple.. That doesn't mean she won't fall for you in time though.. everybody has there own time frame for those things.. If I were you I would either do nothing and let time work it's magic or just simply ask her about it.. what good is the relationship if you can't talk to each other about how you feel about the other ? What you may find out is she just isn't ready yet...
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I think she... cares about you but is not in love with you and the knowledge that you're in love with her is making her uncomfortable. Too late now; can't close those floodgates. Maybe over time she'll grow to love you? The L-bomb is always a risk we take. You are right. It is always a risk. I am prepared to give it/her time. I just hope she doesn't do anything extreme. I'm a big believer in actions over words. Up until this point, I would say that her actions have said that she has some sort of feelings. Maybe she just needs to process it and figure out for herself how she feels?
Fay Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Maybe she just needs to process it and figure out for herself how she feels? Judging from her alternating warm/cold episodes, I'd say she's having some sort of internal dilemma. I don't know what it is. Maybe she's debating whether she loves you or doesn't. Maybe she's definitely not in love with you and the debate is whether to stay with you and go with the flow anyway while waiting to fall in love with you and/or settle for the fact that you're a good partner, or to stop leading you on and break up with you before you're both in over your heads. Who knows - maybe she IS in love with you and is just scared of the implications (very unlikely). Like AC said, you can give it time and see what happens, or you can ask her. But you definitely shouldn't push her. That will probably send her running.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 As of right now she doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about her.. Simple.. That doesn't mean she won't fall for you in time though.. everybody has there own time frame for those things.. If I were you I would either do nothing and let time work it's magic or just simply ask her about it.. what good is the relationship if you can't talk to each other about how you feel about the other ? What you may find out is she just isn't ready yet... I'm leaning towards just dropping it. after I asked he if everything was ok, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she didn't. So maybe that's enough said for the time being unless she brings it up.
boogieboy Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 You should back off of her a little bit, dont see her as much, let her initiate all the contacts, because from this point on, everything you do will be smothering her. This is very delicate territory you hurled yourself into right now.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 both divorced single parents affectionate good physical relationship cuddling on the bed watching TV Any thoughts??? Sounds like you are for her the safe port. Someone with whom she can relax and be cared for and have some human contact. But it doesn't sound to me like this is the romance of the century for her. You are already getting romantic, and it seems like for her is more about having someone.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 You should back off of her a little bit, dont see her as much, let her initiate all the contacts, because from this point on, everything you do will be smothering her. This is very delicate territory you hurled yourself into right now. I understand what you are saying and you are right. I am leaving her alone at the moment. She is actually away visiting her parents at the moment. She actually pretty much initiates most contact anyway and she has continued to do that.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Generally speaking is it too soon say such a thing? It has been almost 7 months! It's not like I asked her to get married or move in together. I don't want to do anything different than we are doing right now. All I was trying to say is that I care for her, I enjoy being with her and I'm happy. At this pont in the relationship, I would have thought she want me to say something like that. It is also, not impossible that I am overreacting and over anylasing. I've been known to do that. Yes she has been a little off since I said it but she has also been overloaded at work in the past week. If I had know it was going to be this complicated, I would not have said anything.
Sam Spade Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Generally speaking is it too soon say such a thing? It has been almost 7 months! It's not like I asked her to get married or move in together. I don't want to do anything different than we are doing right now. All I was trying to say is that I care for her, I enjoy being with her and I'm happy. At this pont in the relationship, I would have thought she want me to say something like that. It is also, not impossible that I am overreacting and over anylasing. I've been known to do that. Yes she has been a little off since I said it but she has also been overloaded at work in the past week. If I had know it was going to be this complicated, I would not have said anything. It hasn't been that long. The problem with the "I love you" dilemma is that many people approach it in such a dramatic fashion. It typically comes out of the blue and feels awkward, no matter what. It has a discrete quality to it, some sort of floodgates as someone mentioned, which IMO completely contradicts the process of falling in love, which is mostly gradual. So, my policy is not to obsess over thether to say it and how, but basically to ease into it. Such as start signing emails/notes "Love, ImGuy" etc. and then see how it escalates, or not.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 It is also, not impossible that I am overreacting and over anylasing. I've been known to do that. Yes she has been a little off since I said it but she has also been overloaded at work in the past week. She'll get over it. But I don't think she corresponds to your feelings by the way that she reacted, and she should know by now after seven months. It sounds like she still needs you, so she'll probably continue as you were.
whimsical_memory Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I think that you can love someone, yet not be in love with them. There is such a huge difference between merely loving someone, and being in love with them. It sounds like your friend is not in love with you, but as was stated already, does care about you. I think that giving her some space is a great idea, because sometimes people feel pressured to say those words back.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I think that you can love someone, yet not be in love with them. There is such a huge difference between merely loving someone, and being in love with them. It sounds like your friend is not in love with you, but as was stated already, does care about you. I think that giving her some space is a great idea, because sometimes people feel pressured to say those words back. There is a difference between love and in love. In love is a term that scares me because it is always a feeling that fades or at most comes and goes. It is a state of intense emotions that accompanies a new relationship. It also fades usually between 6 months and 2 years. This is why when affairs happen, the cheating spuse uses the term "I love you but I'm not in love with you". They have lost that intense feeling towards you and think that they will find it again with someone else. Of course the feeling fades again and the affair ends. Love is more a term of deep caring and compassion where in love is a term of infatuation. In love should become love for a long term relationship to succeed.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I think that you can love someone, yet not be in love with them. There is such a huge difference between merely loving someone, and being in love with them. It sounds like your friend is not in love with you, but as was stated already, does care about you. I think that giving her some space is a great idea, because sometimes people feel pressured to say those words back. There is a difference between love and in love. In love is a term that scares me because it is always a feeling that fades or at most comes and goes. It is a state of intense emotions that accompanies a new relationship. It also fades usually between 6 months and 2 years. This is why when affairs happen, the cheating spuse uses the term "I love you but I'm not in love with you". They have lost that intense feeling towards you and think that they will find it again with someone else. Of course the feeling fades again and the affair ends. Love is more a term of deep caring and compassion where in love is a term of infatuation. In love should become love for a long term relationship to succeed. She called me a little while ago from her parents place to say hi. We talked for a few minutes (nothing serious) and she said she would call me again.
whimsical_memory Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 There is a difference between love and in love. In love is a term that scares me because it is always a feeling that fades or at most comes and goes. It is a state of intense emotions that accompanies a new relationship. It also fades usually between 6 months and 2 years. This is why when affairs happen, the cheating spuse uses the term "I love you but I'm not in love with you". They have lost that intense feeling towards you and think that they will find it again with someone else. Of course the feeling fades again and the affair ends. Love is more a term of deep caring and compassion where in love is a term of infatuation. In love should become love for a long term relationship to succeed. My Pastor says that love is not a feeling, rather love is a commitment that you make to your partner. That love ..true love..comes from having gone through trials and tribulations with that other person, and by sticking together even when things are not going the way we like. I think this makes a lot of sense, because of how quickly people are to say that they love this person or that person. I do wish you the best, and I hope that things work themselves out for you.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 My Pastor says that love is not a feeling, rather love is a commitment that you make to your partner. That love ..true love..comes from having gone through trials and tribulations with that other person, and by sticking together even when things are not going the way we like. I think this makes a lot of sense, because of how quickly people are to say that they love this person or that person. I do wish you the best, and I hope that things work themselves out for you. I think those are wise words.
Citizen Drawn Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Love is whatever you define it as, nobody else can tell you how or what to feel. I personally think 7 months is plenty of time to decide whether you have those feelings for someone or not.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Do you Love her? Perhaps she thinks you don't, and was surprised by your declaration. I don't think you overanalyzed it, because it is obvious that she chose to completely ignore your declaration of love, this being the first time she's heard you tell her you love her, makes it even more odd that she ignored it.
Author ImaGuy Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Well I guess my barometer for these things was dead on as usual. She broke up with me tonight. I'm sitting here beside myself as I type this. I don't get it. Assuming she isn't lying to me (and I don't think she is) how does a person say and believe that I do all the right things. That I'm good to her, that I take care of her, I'm caring and attentive. but she has no feelings for me. But at the same time, up until a short while ago she acted like she had feelings for me. I don't get it. I'm scratching my head. I asked her and she doesn't even want to try. She said she doesn't think it is something that can change. What is it with me? I was married for 12 years. I have 2 great kids from that, who my XW has at the moment. I loved my wife but she left me for another woman! I waited for her to get her head on straight for 2 years before I decided to move on with this girl who I've had a thing for for almost 20 years. (it never conflicted with my feeling for my wife.) And it had been great up until recently. Not to mention that my best friend went out with this girl 15 years ago and he took offense to the fact that I started dating her 15 years later and he won't talk to me. So here I sit all by myself depressed and pi$$ed off. So I ask, what is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Why do the women in my life tell my how good I am to them but at the same time leave. I mean until recently, every time we were together, we laughed, I rubbed her back and cuddled with her. I kissed her and told her how much I liked her, how beautiful she is etc. I brought her flowers regularly, I had flowers sent to her office. And she said that she liked these things. she said she liked these things tonight. I didn't ask her but as far as I could tell, the sex was good. She always seemed to want more. I'm completely lost here. I may be grasping at straws here but could stress have something to do with this? Could hormones. It's not lost on me that she seemed to change a while after she started taking a new BC pill. The other factor is that she has been very stressed at work. Still this all does not add up. For example, right after we started going out, I started sending her a good morning email every day. She had said many times that she like getting them. Even about 3 week weeks ago I was late one day sending it and she sent me an email complaining (in a joking manner) that she hadn't gotten her morning email. I know this seems like a small thing but to me it is just one of the many things that makes this not make sense. As usual in these situations, the person you want to go to for help and support at times like this is the one person you can't and that sucks! Sorry for the rambling post here. What should I do? I want to fix this.
Art_Critic Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Dude.. I'm sorry... It sounds like she just wasn't in the same place as you are.. timing is everything in relationships.. I'm guessing that those 3 words just made her push the trigger on something that she was already starting to feel.. or not feel as it were.. If she has broken it off for good then you have no choice but to cut all communication with her and move on.. Take care...
boogieboy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Sounds like you are for her the safe port. Someone with whom she can relax and be cared for and have some human contact. But it doesn't sound to me like this is the romance of the century for her. You are already getting romantic, and it seems like for her is more about having someone. Dood, did you read this quote? This is where you missed out. You obviously overlooked the red flags that she gave you that pointed to her not being in love with you. You also probably gave her too much of your heart without her earning it, which would mess up her challenge to get it. If she is that type. You cant save this one, just let her go, dont chase after her, dont try to work it out. read this thread and you will understand why. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3
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