What therapist told BF.......

[2sunny]

i don't have bad character - and it's wrong of you to make such a determination from one point of view from me. totally judging me unfairly.

 

i was only pointing out that he will always have his children. he obviously has a lot of serious issues with them that aren't going to be easy fixes. he has a ton of obstacles to overcome in life with his kids as well as issues with his ex wife.

 

tolerance for these situations when dating men has to be extremely high and patience a must. his kids welfare will always be at the forefront. if it's easy for you to be supportive without being critical of the job as a parent that he's doing - then stay with him. most women would get frustrated... and i understand why.

 

then toss in the ex wife and her unhealthy environment the kids have with her. i would think that having his kids most of the time to provide a much more secure and consistent daily life would cross his mind at some point or another. if he can give them safety, security and love - then why not if it's not that way at the Mother's house? then that would be a bigger stress on Dad as well.

 

again, i may have a different point of view, but i took all things into consideration and i didn't say you needed to agree or even take my advice. i merely was making a suggestion based on the info you previously provided in your other thread as well.

[cyml]

When I was 12, I didn't make plans for myself. I was independant, but I was still a kid.

 

12 and 14 are still young children and that's also the time where parent figures matter the most. I think the therapist is right for suggesting more time.

[onthebrinkofitall]

Has your boyfriend spoken with your son's therapist? As another poster said, if it's second hand information, it may not be true. While a therapist has a privacy restriction, if the children are minors, a parent has every right to know about their child's mental health. Records can be petitioned. If the boyfriend has actually heard the therapist say this.. which I just doubt.. an amusement park? C'mon, sounds like the kid just wants to do something besides what dad wants to do with him.. ask your boyfriend if he would consider taking him to a different therapist, to seek a second opinion. If the therapist is a woman, consider taking him to a male therapist. I myself don't care for female therapists. It often helps to get a couple different perspectives on something before making a decision.

 

Also, make sure your boyfriend is spending time ALONE with his children, without you present. [or maybe this is already happening ] His children will grow to resent you if they feel that their time with their dad has to be shared with his girlfriend.

 

As far as the kids learning to make their own plans, I feel your frustration on this one but I'm afraid we're the minority on this issue. Society today feels that our children should be the center of a parent's universe.. which isn't the way it was for a long, long time. Independence is hard to come by in children these days. While it's a frustrating situation, you may not be able to change it. That's just the way a lot of people are. Perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist yourself to better learn how to deal with the situation you're in. If you're not willing to put that kind of time and/or effort into it, leave him. I know you said this isn't about your relationship but trying to change someone who isn't willing to change is just pointless.

 

Best of luck to you.

[RedDevil66]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

His son's doc is male and actually a doc who writes books on child psychology and is also a professor at the university here. He also has a talk show

But I think this guy is a quack to be honest!

This doc has not even met with my BF or his ex wife to discuss their sons therapy.

The Doc is the one who called my BF to say he needs to take him to an amusement park. It was not suggested by the son but the doc.

My BF's kids lack complete and total independence and this doc should be telling my BF and his ex to loosen the "cords"

His son is 14 is not allowed to go to the park alone. He is not allowed to do anything alone.

When they are out and his son needs to go to the bathroom, he is accompanied by an adult. HE'S 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now there is the funny thing, my BF offered to take some time off of work to take his son to a water park or anything else he wanted to do and his son grumbled and said "nah, I don't want to" and then said he really didn't want to see his Dad anymore.

This kid is NUTS! He is such a manipulator and FINALLY my BF saw it.

My BF is going to make an appointment with the doc alone and talk to him.

 

And to answer your other question; When my BF has his kids, I am never around. He's alone with them all the time. I've not once taken away any time from him and his kids.

 

I'm working on detaching so it's just a matter of time before this is over

[AlektraClementine]

hmm - you mention the son has a "dark" disposition? Your BF describes him as "evil". I'm paraphrasing. Maybe the amusement park suggestion is in an effort to insert some happiness. Amusement parks create smiles. I don't know much about child therapy so I'm just taking a shot in the dark. But have you ever heard about the Pet Therapy they suggest for elderly and alone folks? Could be something similar.

[RedDevil66]

Well this boy never does smile and a park won't make him smile.

What this kid needs is to stop being coddled and given eveything he asks for

Maybe he'll smile when he has/learned some dicipline.

Kids need structure. he has none!

[Kamille]

I'm in no way qualified to make any comments on this... I've never really been involved with a father and my own parents never went through a separation. Yet, I was a very depressed teenager, all because we moved when I was 13. My depression definitely affected my relationship with my parents and no, an amusement park wouldn't have helped me at all.

 

My depression was provoked in part by my relationship with my parents but was mostly linked to my social circle at school. So I'm posting just to point out that teenage depression usually ripples through many different aspects' of a teenager life, and that a lot of the angst teenagers feel is most often oriented towards their peer group... How is your bf's son's relationship with his peers?

 

Of course, one's relationship with one's parents is important. But what about offering the kid the opportunity to decide what he wants to do while he spends time with his dad? That way, the kid has input and learns to make decision for himself.

 

Last note, while I would have never been caught dead at an amusement park with my parents past the age of 13, my parents got me to enroll in out-of-town camps and extra-curricular activities, where I got to socialize with people outside of my school. That helped me more then anything. They also sent me to my cousin's place (she was my age) for a week in another city. I think helping teenagers build relationships outside of the family is as important at this age as building a healthy relationship with them.

[blind_otter]

Yikes, what a bad situation.

 

IMO, you can't really take an active role parenting these kids unless you are in a step mother type of role. I think it's really easy for people with no children of their own to stand back and criticize parents, and IME people who don't have children and are not regularly around children of various developmental stages can have a sort of weird view of what age appropriate behavior is regarding children. I mean, you can kind of remember what you were like - 20 or 30 years ago is a long gap of time, though.

 

In any event, I have some experience dealing with an emotionally troubled step son. I really didn't do any of the stuff you are doing right now, though, until I had my own child, our step son came to live with us full time, and I officially took a parenting role in his life.

 

We chose the route of family therapy, because it's not the child's fault that he has issues and it is highly likely that the issues he does have stem from his family of origin and the way his parents relate to him. So really, IMO, when a CHILD is in therapy - the ENTIRE FAMILY has to be part of it, and often, the entire family needs therapy too. We all see the same therapist, and 99% of our therapy revolves around learning how to deal with each other in a calm and beneficial manner. Not just parent to child, parent to parent as well.

 

Kids also resent authority figures that are not (in their mind) permanent fixtures in their life. If you aren't married to, or engaged to the Dad, they cannot developmentally see that you will be there forever. If you aren't even around them at any point, then really this is not your problem.

 

Though I do see the needs to have your BF establish healthier relationships with his children in order to have a future with him - that is his responsibility, you can't force him to do it. He has to chose this, on his own. If he doesn't, that is merely evidence that he is not a suitable life partner.

 

And one final caveat - therapists are not gurus, they are not these magical beings who can bestow wisdom and self awareness on anyone they treat. There are good fits, and bad fits. A spectacular therapist for one person could be a horrendous therapist for another. Also, therapists are not psychic.

 

Shame on your BF for not requesting to meet with the therapist, for not meeting invidiually with many therapists before settling on one that was a good fit, and for not keeping up with his own meetings with the therapist to keep tabs on what is happening and what he can do to contribute to his child's well being.

 

IMO the therapist follows the parental lead in some ways - the parent has to advocate for themselves and their child, the same way you would advoate for yourself with any physician.

 

One more thing - children who deal with difficult and traumatic divorces can very often become emotionally stunted and sometimes stuck in one stage or another, but not across the board. They can be very well developed in some ways, and tragically stunted in others. Be gentle with them. They suffer tremendously - their anger and hatred comes from a deep level of pain and self loathing. This, to me, should elicit compassion. Not criticism.

[RedDevil66]

I'm in no way qualified to make any comments on this... I've never really been involved with a father and my own parents never went through a separation. Yet, I was a very depressed teenager, all because we moved when I was 13. My depression definitely affected my relationship with my parents and no, an amusement park wouldn't have helped me at all.

 

My depression was provoked in part by my relationship with my parents but was mostly linked to my social circle at school. So I'm posting just to point out that teenage depression usually ripples through many different aspects' of a teenager life, and that a lot of the angst teenagers feel is most often oriented towards their peer group... How is your bf's son's relationship with his peers?

 

Of course, one's relationship with one's parents is important. But what about offering the kid the opportunity to decide what he wants to do while he spends time with his dad? That way, the kid has input and learns to make decision for himself.

 

Last note, while I would have never been caught dead at an amusement park with my parents past the age of 13, my parents got me to enroll in out-of-town camps and extra-curricular activities, where I got to socialize with people outside of my school. That helped me more then anything. They also sent me to my cousin's place (she was my age) for a week in another city. I think helping teenagers build relationships outside of the family is as important at this age as building a healthy relationship with them.

 

 

Hi, thanks so much for your input. Was great to see another side.

 

I know this boy is depressed, there is no doubt.

His son is emotionally like a 5 yr old.

 

It's a great point you brought up about not being caught dead with your parents at 13, I was like that also.

 

This boy has one friend who is also coddled and treated like he's 5. So when these two kids go to a hockey game or movie, there is always an adult with them.

And when my BF has hid kids, they are always with my BF' parents.

It's all so cultish and weird. They eat every meal together, hang out etc.

 

These kids will not make plans on their own to go see friends.

 

Last weekend, I had my BF and his kids come swimming at my friends house and my friends were curious as to why these kids were so clingy and weird.

 

They have ZERO social skills and are well, just weird.

These two kids have NO CLUE how to make their own decisions. God, they are YEARS away from being that developed!

[RedDevil66]

Yikes, what a bad situation.

 

IMO, you can't really take an active role parenting these kids unless you are in a step mother type of role. I think it's really easy for people with no children of their own to stand back and criticize parents, and IME people who don't have children and are not regularly around children of various developmental stages can have a sort of weird view of what age appropriate behavior is regarding children. I mean, you can kind of remember what you were like - 20 or 30 years ago is a long gap of time, though.

 

In any event, I have some experience dealing with an emotionally troubled step son. I really didn't do any of the stuff you are doing right now, though, until I had my own child, our step son came to live with us full time, and I officially took a parenting role in his life.

 

We chose the route of family therapy, because it's not the child's fault that he has issues and it is highly likely that the issues he does have stem from his family of origin and the way his parents relate to him. So really, IMO, when a CHILD is in therapy - the ENTIRE FAMILY has to be part of it, and often, the entire family needs therapy too. We all see the same therapist, and 99% of our therapy revolves around learning how to deal with each other in a calm and beneficial manner. Not just parent to child, parent to parent as well.

 

Kids also resent authority figures that are not (in their mind) permanent fixtures in their life. If you aren't married to, or engaged to the Dad, they cannot developmentally see that you will be there forever. If you aren't even around them at any point, then really this is not your problem.

 

Though I do see the needs to have your BF establish healthier relationships with his children in order to have a future with him - that is his responsibility, you can't force him to do it. He has to chose this, on his own. If he doesn't, that is merely evidence that he is not a suitable life partner.

 

And one final caveat - therapists are not gurus, they are not these magical beings who can bestow wisdom and self awareness on anyone they treat. There are good fits, and bad fits. A spectacular therapist for one person could be a horrendous therapist for another. Also, therapists are not psychic.

 

Shame on your BF for not requesting to meet with the therapist, for not meeting invidiually with many therapists before settling on one that was a good fit, and for not keeping up with his own meetings with the therapist to keep tabs on what is happening and what he can do to contribute to his child's well being.

 

IMO the therapist follows the parental lead in some ways - the parent has to advocate for themselves and their child, the same way you would advoate for yourself with any physician.

 

One more thing - children who deal with difficult and traumatic divorces can very often become emotionally stunted and sometimes stuck in one stage or another, but not across the board. They can be very well developed in some ways, and tragically stunted in others. Be gentle with them. They suffer tremendously - their anger and hatred comes from a deep level of pain and self loathing. This, to me, should elicit compassion. Not criticism.

 

 

Great post and thanks for this input. This is really insightful.

 

I have no say with these kids as any sort of step parent, but I do have a duty to them to push their father to wake up and get them some help.

It's as if I were seeing any child being abused (mentally or physically) from a a stranger, I would call the cops.

 

I'm not even sure it's about me wanting a healthy future with him. I think I've come to grips with the fact that will never happen.

 

My BF son admitted to him last week that he doesn't want to see him anymore and that he was angry with him. I know this boy hates his parents.

My BF even said he was afraid of him.

 

The family therapy is a GREAT idea and this is what I suggested and my BF was all for it, his ex wife REFUSES to go, or even acknowledge her son is not well. She's not even paying 1/2 the $150 fee and she is VERY wealthy!

She is a mentally ill person herself and also a drug addict. They are well off, well dressed and come from a very affluent neighborhood, so they live in denial of the "dirty" secrets they live in.

 

My BF is one yr sober, in AA and I can see his new "alertness" to how screwed up his kids are is hitting him BIG!

He told me last night he "hates' his son. I told him "You created it, and u have the power to undo it"

My Bf is so raw!

 

Shame on my BF is right. He's lazy, unhealthy and still in denial about how unwell his life and family are. But again, they are well off, affluent and well they cannot be dysfunctional, because as his mother puts it "Jews are not dysfunctional" <---- This comment is not meant to offend, but her words.

My BF was adopted by the way into this family and none of them GET alcoholism and his family has NO clue he's a drunk in AA!

DENIAL x 100000000000000000!

 

I want to be gentle with his son. I want to help him, but when I am in his presence I want to SCREAM!

 

 

Tell me how you did it and tell me how I can learn to be more gentle. I'll do it!

In my honest opinion, I think this boy may suffer some sort of sociopathic tendencies.

 

His daughter is starting to act out like a brat as well. She tells everyone she is a princess and needs to be treated like one.

 

Oh god, these kids are such a mess!

 

HELP!

[2sunny]

how to do it? tolerance and compassion, not easy, but considering they are a family dealing with a lot of mental and emotional challenges... it calls for both. it may be a long time to see any positive progress - which can be very discouraging.

 

i feel for the whole family.

[silverfish]

Have you tried reading any books about bringing up children? I found the ones by Dr Green, and a book called 'Bringing up Boys' really helpful.

I have 2 boys and they have a lot of friends. Between them and their mates I bet I could identify most of the characteristics you mention in yours posts in a few of them.

Some of them behave very strangely, and some have aprents with no boundaries and no discipline or routine. Really, unless you have some influence on their daily lives you aren't going to get very far.

I think by reading a few books, you might yourself see that some of the behaviours are not that uncommon and it might help you find ways of dealing with them.

I think the pet idea is a great one...

[silverfish]

''My BF's kids lack complete and total independence and this doc should be telling my BF and his ex to loosen the "cords"

His son is 14 is not allowed to go to the park alone. He is not allowed to do anything alone.

When they are out and his son needs to go to the bathroom, he is accompanied by an adult. HE'S 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now there is the funny thing, my BF offered to take some time off of work to take his son to a water park or anything else he wanted to do and his son grumbled and said "nah, I don't want to" and then said he really didn't want to see his Dad anymore.

This kid is NUTS! He is such a manipulator and FINALLY my BF saw it.''

 

Sorry to post again but I just noticed this and wanted to say something else. There is a massive contradiction in the way your b/f is handling his son.

On one hand he is saying you can't go to the toilet on your own because BAD THINGS might happen to you.

On the other hand he is calling him manipulative because his son said he doesn't want to see him anymore.

It seems to me that when this kid tries to assert himself, albeit in a strange way (hiding under the table, telling you to shut up, telling his dad he doesn't want to see him), he gets told by adults in his life who love him that he is crazy, manipulative, and needs therapy.

Then finally when the therapist tells his father that he needs to spend time with him, he suggests something in a half hearted way that much younger kids might enjoy. To top it off he's only done it because his therapist told him to say it- not because it's something he actually thought of doing off his own back. No wonder he said no thanks - I would!

What about something physical - surfing, camping, fishing, kayaking. He's a teenage boy not a little kid.

It sounds like your boyfriend might be using his son as a crutch, as a way to make himself feel good or even look good ('poor me - look what I have to put up with!'). It sounds like he's using his son as a scapegoat for his own inadequecies.

Is your boyfriend having therapy?

 

Sorry for being harsh, but I went away and thought about what I'd read and it made me sad and a bit annoyed.

[RedDevil66]

Hi Silver, you're not being harsh.

It's tough in one thread and a few posts to explain the whole story, but I can tell you, my BF takes his kids everywhere when he has them. He's very active in sports and coaches his son's hockey all winter.

He offers to take these lazy kids to water parks, bowling etc.

It's always these kids that would rather sit around, watch The OC and eat.

These kids are a product of their lazy mother who is overweight and never does anything.

When they are at their Mom's, they never go out. They never leave the house.

So when my BF suggests bike riding or roller blading, these kids hum and haw that they don't want to go.

 

My BF is in group therapy.

 

My honest opinion, this boy has many classic symptoms of being a sociopath. No eye contact, manipulative, mean, acts VERY odd.

At first when I met him, I thought he was autistic.

 

His Mom had a bday party for him last week and my BF and I went by just to give him a gift (we were not allowed to go to the party) and I asked him if his friends were coming, He looked at me odd and said "no, why would my friends come?"

It was his 14th bday party. He has one friend and his nutty Mother only wanted family there.

What mother has a bday aprty for a 14 yr old and only invited the sister and grandparents?

He's always ONLY with his family. It's like the friggin omish!

 

Anyway, the situation will never improve unless the mother gives up custody and my BF moves away from his needy family and they all get family therapy.

 

I will not read any books on kids since there is no point. I already read too many self helps books, and since I work full time and go to medical school, I have little time for anything else.

 

I'm spent!

[silverfish]

Hi. I understand that this must be a really hard situation for you. Hell really is other peoples children sometimes. I said in my earlier post that the things this boy has done do sound odd but they aren't that unusual. If he was killing small animals, in trouble for bullying younger children, getting into trouble with the police or hurting other children I would be more concerned. Is he doing any of this stuff?

 

From what I understand - his mother is an obese shut in, who is possibly depressed. His father is / was an alcoholic who is creepily & unaturally close to his dysfunctional family. The kid has no relationship with you. You dislike him and label him as a sociopath - did his therapist say this?? He probably knows how you feel about him. Wouldn't you act weird around people that you know hate your guts?

 

He has no choice but to put up with this state of affairs, he has no friends, and he has no freedom. He has not been given the social skills to help him deal with life. This is down to bad parenting and your boyfriend is at fault for that. If you really want to help you should read some books, or at least try to understand. If you can't understand, then really don't get involved at all.

 

It's fine to let out a bit here, but it would worry me to think that you talk this way about this kid the way you do here around him, or even to your boyfriend.

 

If you read nothing else then read 'We need to talk about Kevin' by Lionel Schriver. Now THAT kid is a sociopath!

[RedDevil66]

Hi. I understand that this must be a really hard situation for you. Hell really is other peoples children sometimes. I said in my earlier post that the things this boy has done do sound odd but they aren't that unusual. If he was killing small animals, in trouble for bullying younger children, getting into trouble with the police or hurting other children I would be more concerned. Is he doing any of this stuff?

 

From what I understand - his mother is an obese shut in, who is possibly depressed. His father is / was an alcoholic who is creepily & unaturally close to his dysfunctional family. The kid has no relationship with you. You dislike him and label him as a sociopath - did his therapist say this?? He probably knows how you feel about him. Wouldn't you act weird around people that you know hate your guts?

 

He has no choice but to put up with this state of affairs, he has no friends, and he has no freedom. He has not been given the social skills to help him deal with life. This is down to bad parenting and your boyfriend is at fault for that. If you really want to help you should read some books, or at least try to understand. If you can't understand, then really don't get involved at all.

 

It's fine to let out a bit here, but it would worry me to think that you talk this way about this kid the way you do here around him, or even to your boyfriend.

 

If you read nothing else then read 'We need to talk about Kevin' by Lionel Schriver. Now THAT kid is a sociopath!

 

No, his son does not do any of those things..........that I know of!

His ex is not obese, she is a wealthy women who lives off her family and smokes drugs and does a job here and there. Her own parents won't even talk to her. She is really unfit!

My BF is a very unfit parent, though I know he loves his kids more than life, he just has no skills to be a good parent.

Addicts should not be bringing kids into the world.

 

I let it out here and do not talk this candid with my BF, but I do not sugar coat this situation with him either.

These kids need a chance at a better life. Sure, they look good on the outside living in their big homes, going to private schools and wearing all the best clothes, but they are slowly rotting inside.

 

My therapy (one I saw last yr) told me to keep my distance from his kids and family until my BF can learn to be more responsible and owe his part in this mess. Well he's only now waking up!

People get drunk so they don't have to or cannot face reality. My BF's been in the dark many yrs. He's only now just seeing reality.

I have been trying to understand for 4 long yrs. It's time to stop understanding and just stay away. It's time for my BF to get it!

 

And in my defence, his ex wife's parents (boys grandparents) refuse to see these kids also.

My BF's own father got me alone once to tell me this boy was messed up

They all know it, but they think they he'll grow out of it.

 

it's really all so sad and to be honest, breaks my heart.

If I were smart, I would leave. I would feel like I am giving up!

 

And I do appreciate your input here with me by the way. I am really angry about all this. Angry because I think my only option is to leave

[missdependant]

His kids are at an awkward age. Ages 12 to 15 are VERY hormonal ages.

 

His kids should be priority over you.

 

You told him to send the kid to therapy. He did. The therapist made a suggestion that you didn't like, which automatically disqualifies him in your eyes.. even though he is obviously a well-respected doctor.

 

If you can't handle dating someone with kids, don't date someone with kids. It sucks, but life isn't fair. His kids SHOULD be a bigger part of his life than you are, and he should listen to what the doctor says. The guy is a doctor, for eff's sake. You don't just get to be called a doctor in the professional world for no reason.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but I am a FIRM believer that kids ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS come before anyone and anything else.

[RedDevil66]

His kids are at an awkward age. Ages 12 to 15 are VERY hormonal ages.

 

His kids should be priority over you.

 

You told him to send the kid to therapy. He did. The therapist made a suggestion that you didn't like, which automatically disqualifies him in your eyes.. even though he is obviously a well-respected doctor.

 

If you can't handle dating someone with kids, don't date someone with kids. It sucks, but life isn't fair. His kids SHOULD be a bigger part of his life than you are, and he should listen to what the doctor says. The guy is a doctor, for eff's sake. You don't just get to be called a doctor in the professional world for no reason.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but I am a FIRM believer that kids ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS come before anyone and anything else.

 

It's quite obvious you've not read this entire thread.

Read the entire things then you'll see he does not pick me over his kids...ugh!

 

And because someone has a degree doesn't make them right? The great doc determined this after seeing his son 3 times and not even meeting the parents once!

He doesn't even return my BF's calls or emails. Yeah. he's a friggin peach!

[silverfish]

The therapist is probably respecting your boyfriend's son's privacy. Maybe issues have come up with his Dad or even you that he'd rather not share?

 

Although you say your boyfriend does not prioritise you over his son, he is allowing you to influence his decisions in matters relating to his son. You have very strong opinions about this kid that aren't necessarily right or true.

 

Your therapist told you to keep your distance and he's right. Sometimes you need to let some time pass and get some distance / perspective to let things work themselves out. The son's therapist is hopefully allowing him to do the same - get some distance and head space from his dysfunctional family

 

Sorry again to be harsh but that's the way I see it.

[RedDevil66]

The therapist is probably respecting your boyfriend's son's privacy. Maybe issues have come up with his Dad or even you that he'd rather not share?

 

Although you say your boyfriend does not prioritise you over his son, he is allowing you to influence his decisions in matters relating to his son. You have very strong opinions about this kid that aren't necessarily right or true.

 

Your therapist told you to keep your distance and he's right. Sometimes you need to let some time pass and get some distance / perspective to let things work themselves out. The son's therapist is hopefully allowing him to do the same - get some distance and head space from his dysfunctional family

 

Sorry again to be harsh but that's the way I see it.

 

I'm seriously happy I was able to influence my BF to finally get this boy some help. Yay me! No one else was going to have the courage to do it.

They would have just let this boy linger in anxiety and fear. Sad I tell ya!

 

All I can hope for is these kids become better equipped to handle their terribly dysfuntional parents.

[silverfish]

Ok. Credit where it's due on persuading your b/f to get therapy for his son.

 

Don't expect to get any thanks for this from anyone, ever though.... welcome to the world of (step) parenthood. Also, try & leave the matter in his hands now, ie don't try and influence / interfere / undermine what the therapist says or does.

 

Still not sure why you are with this guy. If you don't have the same views on parenting, behaviour etc, how are things ever going to work out in the future? It's a VERY big deal to me when I meet someone how they deal with my children and handle conflict. Anyone who tries to get me to take 'sides' between my children and themselves is out the door & I am not blind to their imperfections by any means.

 

I went through something similar to this with my mother and step brothers / sisters. She treated them like the enemy and it has caused major problems in our family to this day. One of my step brothers was sexually assaulted when he was 13, and exhibited some very odd behaviour.

 

He didn't feel he could tell anyone because of all the other crap going down at the time. My other s/brother got into drugs, and is still involved. My step sister turned out fine....!

 

I am not saying this IS what you are doing, but some of the things you said in earlier posts made me feel uncomfortable. It is good that you influenced your b/f on the therapy, but maybe be prepared to hear things you might not like, that don't conform to your point of view on the whole issue.

[missdependant]

It's quite obvious you've not read this entire thread.

Read the entire things then you'll see he does not pick me over his kids...ugh!

 

And because someone has a degree doesn't make them right? The great doc determined this after seeing his son 3 times and not even meeting the parents once!

He doesn't even return my BF's calls or emails. Yeah. he's a friggin peach!

 

Personally, I feel very sorry for the boy (and his sibling). I'm sorry, I just don't feel that bad for you. Because this isn't about you. It's about the boy. He's ONLY 12, and I think people are trying to treat him like an adult. The kid is still growing up, and probably realizes how unloved he is, even by his own family. This probably REALLY hurts his feelings. No one cares about his feelings, people only care about his mental disturbances. Everyone is too busy paying attention to the fact that he "has problems" instead of just giving him some positive attention. That said, I doubt the doctor was literally telling his father to take him to an amusement park.. he was using it as an example of POSITIVE things they can do together, knowing that the kid needs some time to bond with SOMEONE. Who better than his father? I doubt he said the only option was an amusement park. He could take him fishing, take him to a baseball games, take him to a local concert, take him out to lunch for some one-on-one time, take him out on a bike ride, it doesn't even have to cost money. He needs love, and he's not getting it. I feel very, very sorry for the boy. If I were in his father's position I'd be doing everything I could to make the kid feel like he's cared for and loved. Right now it seems like everyone treats him like a nuisance. Poor, poor kid.

 

It was nice of you to suggest counseling. But that doesn't mean you're helping the kid's situation; he is still just as confused and still needs help. Sorry for being blunt in saying this, but you're mostly in the way.

[hotgurl]

this poor kid never had a chance.

 

his mom is an addict. He dad was an alcoholic. you hate him.

 

how is he supposed to behave. no one likes him. it is so messed up.

 

and don't even get me started about your BF masturbating in bed with the boy. no wonder he is screwed up!

 

you obviously resent his kids. Why are you with him?

[RedDevil66]

Ok. Credit where it's due on persuading your b/f to get therapy for his son.

 

Don't expect to get any thanks for this from anyone, ever though.... welcome to the world of (step) parenthood. Also, try & leave the matter in his hands now, ie don't try and influence / interfere / undermine what the therapist says or does.

 

Still not sure why you are with this guy. If you don't have the same views on parenting, behaviour etc, how are things ever going to work out in the future? It's a VERY big deal to me when I meet someone how they deal with my children and handle conflict. Anyone who tries to get me to take 'sides' between my children and themselves is out the door & I am not blind to their imperfections by any means.

 

I went through something similar to this with my mother and step brothers / sisters. She treated them like the enemy and it has caused major problems in our family to this day. One of my step brothers was sexually assaulted when he was 13, and exhibited some very odd behaviour.

 

He didn't feel he could tell anyone because of all the other crap going down at the time. My other s/brother got into drugs, and is still involved. My step sister turned out fine....!

 

I am not saying this IS what you are doing, but some of the things you said in earlier posts made me feel uncomfortable. It is good that you influenced your b/f on the therapy, but maybe be prepared to hear things you might not like, that don't conform to your point of view on the whole issue.

 

 

what part made you uncomfortable? I like your openness with me. It's making me think. I'm very open to change and seeing the err's of my ways

 

I know his son can't talk. He's so stifled. But the entire family are like that. No one talks about issues. It's all fake and everything is just hush-hush. Hence why my BF is such a mess. Don't even get me started about how messed up my BF's sister is. OH MAN!

She's been married 4 times, has two very VERY screwed up kids. Her son writes on walls in paint say "Die Mother" and they say "He'll grow out of it" He's 16 and been kicked out of 3 schools

 

It's a pattern and I saw it early and and tried to talk to my BF to help him and his kids. Needless to say, my input was NOT appreciated at first.

Now that my BF is in AA, all his demons are flying out and now he doesn't have the booze to keep him "sane"

 

Part of me want to spend more time with his kids, to show them there are adults who are "ok" and who will listen.

I asked his daughter if she got her period because my BF thought she started. THOUGHT she started, then asked the Mother and she THINKS she may have.

This little girl was not even allowed to talk about her period. So I wanted to let her know it was ok and nothing to be ashamed of. but she turned white and looked like she was about to vomit when I brought it up. So I dropped it!

 

I admit, I am so angry, I do treat his son like the enemy. His son is seriously mentally unwell and I just don't know how to deal with that I guess.

His son is no longer in therapy b/c the doc only calls after each session to make the next appoint. he never called and my BF or his Ex called to make another one

They will let this linger.........

 

And all I can do is leave or shut up

[RedDevil66]

Personally, I feel very sorry for the boy (and his sibling). I'm sorry, I just don't feel that bad for you. Because this isn't about you. It's about the boy. He's ONLY 12, and I think people are trying to treat him like an adult. The kid is still growing up, and probably realizes how unloved he is, even by his own family. This probably REALLY hurts his feelings. No one cares about his feelings, people only care about his mental disturbances. Everyone is too busy paying attention to the fact that he "has problems" instead of just giving him some positive attention. That said, I doubt the doctor was literally telling his father to take him to an amusement park.. he was using it as an example of POSITIVE things they can do together, knowing that the kid needs some time to bond with SOMEONE. Who better than his father? I doubt he said the only option was an amusement park. He could take him fishing, take him to a baseball games, take him to a local concert, take him out to lunch for some one-on-one time, take him out on a bike ride, it doesn't even have to cost money. He needs love, and he's not getting it. I feel very, very sorry for the boy. If I were in his father's position I'd be doing everything I could to make the kid feel like he's cared for and loved. Right now it seems like everyone treats him like a nuisance. Poor, poor kid.

 

It was nice of you to suggest counseling. But that doesn't mean you're helping the kid's situation; he is still just as confused and still needs help. Sorry for being blunt in saying this, but you're mostly in the way.

 

He's 14

His Dad does EVERYTHING with him and takes him wherever he wants to go

The boy is mentally unwell, period.

I can handle blunt, I do appreciate it, thanks

 

I want these kids to be ok, trust me