What therapist told BF.......

[2sunny]

Wow, Sunny! Are you ok, dear? This isn't like you.

 

Ok, on topic, I feel for you RD. The first couple of years of our marriage was hell in part because of this very issue. That's the way it goes with many kids of divorce. They're clingy and insecure and don't seem to be able to entertain themselves. I used to tell my H all the time that it wasn't normal.

 

Unfortunately, you have little standing as his g/f. It's tough enough when you're the stepmom and actually SEE the kids and have a relationship with them. You are neither. You're not their stepmom and you don't even have a relationship with them from what you say. Parents are WAY more prone to listen to you if you have a relationship with their kids.

 

So, I'm sorry to say that there's little you can do about this. You really better stay out of it or it will really cause problems. But yeah, you're right about the issue. It's not normal really but from what I've seen it seems to be the way it is with kids of divorce.

 

i'm perfectly well. i took the time to read her other thread from a month or so ago before i posted... giving me her back story...

 

others now giving the same advice and she is seeing it now as the way to go? i just don't get it when people want to dodge reality...

[Ariadne]

You are dating a father. You seem to have a lot of anger and resentment towards his children

 

I agree there.

 

This is pretty bad: I am pretty sure the son is lying to the doc and manipulating him. This boy is a very disturbed kid and is a master manipulator.

 

You are talking about a child here. What kind of disposition is this?

[RedDevil66]

Have to ask - what's the mom like? It sounds like your guy is making every effort to see his kids as much as possible (good for him! life is hectic) but is that enough? Perhaps it's the Mom who is creating this dependence on outside structure? From what you described it does sound as if he is over-parenting a little.

 

This is a tough call because you're never sure what's your place and when you're overstepping your boundaries.

 

I do agree that you have to make a decision on how involved you will be and at what point you decide it's either working for you or it isn't.

 

Can you fill in any of the gaps for us on points we might be missing?

 

Oh, there are many gaps...haha

It'stough to get all the details out in a few short posts.

The Mom, well that is a whole other story.

She is a mess. A women who yells ALL the time, a women who will NOT let her kids play outside because she is sure they will be kidnapped.

She is also a heavy drug user but lives in a mansion and comes from a wealthy family. She drives with the kids while she drinks. etc.

One night at a party, she was really drunk and got in her car with the kids. NO ONE STOPPED HER and I said to my BF and his parents "is anyone going to stop her"

They all said "Oh they will be fine"

Lots of denial and my BF grew up with denail.

 

My BF has now been pushing his ex to allow the kids to have some independence b/c he sees how it's damaging them. The ex wife is finally letting them ride their bikes to the park

She's also in total disagreement that her son goes for therapy. She refuses to go or pay for half.

 

I also have to mention, his daughter is becoming obese and no one is doing a thing. They all say "it's baby fat"

My BF tells me he's starting to see what I've been saying, but yet, there is a resentment because I have pushed for him to see reality.

I never pushed for any other reason than to try to help.

[WTRanger]

My hat is off to all of the step-dad's and step-mom's out there. It has to be tough to get integrated into a family. I know my dad has been re-married for 15 years now and I never really feel like I "know" my step-mom on a deep level.

 

However, as I said, you are just the girlfriend still. Maybe if things progress and you are a fiance then perhaps it may be time to start taking an active role, but even then it's still a fine line.

 

Though, if he is asking for your input then you are giving it to him. You just can't expect him to use it. That's what input is, advice. Only he can determine if he'll put it into action.

 

You're taking a thrashing on this post, yeeeesh!

[RedDevil66]

i'm perfectly well. i took the time to read her other thread from a month or so ago before i posted... giving me her back story...

 

others now giving the same advice and she is seeing it now as the way to go? i just don't get it when people want to dodge reality...

 

I am VERY much in reality., Maybe it's the person judging and acting like they know someone's entire life from 60 posts that needs to tap into some reality!

 

Now seriously, go away!

[Touche]

Thanks so much for this. How did you deal with his kids at the begininng?

 

I am going to stay far from this now, I just really wanted to help, but was doing it with anger. I'm just really frustrated.

 

Again, thanks for sharing this. Makes me think

 

At the beginning it was not good. He'd (my fiance and then H) would get defensive and even told me once "there's the door if you don't like it." So I completely retreated and stayed out of it for awhile. I forged a relationship with his son, later my stepson and then I gathered some articles (John Rosemond...look up about him, was a lifesaver for me.) And I approached my H calmly and with no anger. It took a looooong time to get him to come around and see that I genuinely wanted to help and wasn't attacking his child, my stepson.

 

I don't know what to tell you in your situation since you hardly see the kids and they're already teenagers. I really don't know in your case.

 

These kids are screaming out for boundaries and some discipline it sounds like. They need to be given attention but also learn to entertain themselves. Divorced parents carry so much guilt they can't see how they're harming their kids with being over-indulgent in so many ways.

 

It's a real toughie and I feel for you. Not sure what you can do at this point. I guess if you're serious about a future with your b/f, I'd try to forge a relationshiip with his kids. Have them in your home but establish boundaries. You're perfectly within your rights to do that in YOUR home. But balance that out with some fun with them. If they at least like you, you have a chance of them respecting you.

 

It's really complicated and I do feel for you. Toughest thing I've ever had to go through. And I can say it was the biggest challenge in our relationship and marriage so far (married 14 years, together 15 almost.)

[RedDevil66]

My hat is off to all of the step-dad's and step-mom's out there. It has to be tough to get integrated into a family. I know my dad has been re-married for 15 years now and I never really feel like I "know" my step-mom on a deep level.

 

However, as I said, you are just the girlfriend still. Maybe if things progress and you are a fiance then perhaps it may be time to start taking an active role, but even then it's still a fine line.

 

Though, if he is asking for your input then you are giving it to him. You just can't expect him to use it. That's what input is, advice. Only he can determine if he'll put it into action.

 

You're taking a thrashing on this post, yeeeesh!

 

 

Fiance? Let's not push it....hahah!

I won't ever get married, but he may end up someone I live with.

 

I heard that relationships that have integrated families are 98% likely to fail.

Not very promising huh!

 

Sounds to me like your Dad did a great job with you. You seem very level headed.

 

Yeah, the thrashers obviously need a hug

[Touche]

i'm perfectly well. i took the time to read her other thread from a month or so ago before i posted... giving me her back story...

 

others now giving the same advice and she is seeing it now as the way to go? i just don't get it when people want to dodge reality...

 

I'm sorry but I have no clue what you're talking about. I did not read her backstory. It's not a requirement. I'm merely responding to THIS thread. RD asked for advice and support from parent's/step parent's. Having been in her shoes with a similar issue, I've responded accordingly.

 

I don't see any evidence of her "dodging reality." You're dragging stuff I guess from other threads and I believe, that's against guidelines. We're supposed to be just responding to THIS post here.

 

Not sure what you meant by "others now giving the same advice and she sees it now as the way to go." Who is anyone to tell another WHEN and IF they should accept the advice given.

 

That's up to the OP...not anyone else.

 

Sorry, but if you're trying to be supportive I think you're failing miserably.

 

Why don't we try to be supportive here, k?

[RedDevil66]

At the beginning it was not good. He'd (my fiance and then H) would get defensive and even told me once "there's the door if you don't like it." So I completely retreated and stayed out of it for awhile. I forged a relationship with his son, later my stepson and then I gathered some articles (John Rosemond...look up about him, was a lifesaver for me.) And I approached my H calmly and with no anger. It took a looooong time to get him to come around and see that I genuinely wanted to help and wasn't attacking his child, my stepson.

 

I don't know what to tell you in your situation since you hardly see the kids and they're already teenagers. I really don't know in your case.

 

These kids are screaming out for boundaries and some discipline it sounds like. They need to be given attention but also learn to entertain themselves. Divorced parents carry so much guilt they can't see how they're harming their kids with being over-indulgent in so many ways.

 

It's a real toughie and I feel for you. Not sure what you can do at this point. I guess if you're serious about a future with your b/f, I'd try to forge a relationshiip with his kids. Have them in your home but establish boundaries. You're perfectly within your rights to do that in YOUR home. But balance that out with some fun with them. If they at least like you, you have a chance of them respecting you.

 

It's really complicated and I do feel for you. Toughest thing I've ever had to go through. And I can say it was the biggest challenge in our relationship and marriage so far (married 14 years, together 15 almost.)

 

 

I will check out j Rosemond. Thanks for the tip

 

It's great to hear stories of others who have gone through this.

I also have to point out, I was really sick with a serious illness so there was a two yr period I just could not deal with his kids or his family. He is with his Mom and Dad a lot!

I'm slowly coming around. I work full time and go to school and I am also in my mid 40's so I am slowing down a little.

 

I guess it all comes down to commitment, acceptance and just tolerating certain things and if I cannot do that, I need to step away.

 

Thanks again, you got me thinking :-)

[RedDevil66]

That's what you get for going to the therapists.

 

Now you can't do what you think it's best for the child but you must obey the people that are trained.

 

If they didn't know better than you, why would you go to them in the first place?

 

He's only seen the boy 4 times so not sure he has a good grasp on his character yet.

He also has 30 mins each time with the son and has not done one session with my BF.

I'm not saying myself or my BF know's better than a trained child therapist, but even my BF was stunned and told the dr that he does take his kids everywhere and that maybe his son was manipulating the talks.

[Touche]

I will check out j Rosemond. Thanks for the tip

 

It's great to hear stories of others who have gone through this.

I also have to point out, I was really sick with a serious illness so there was a two yr period I just could not deal with his kids or his family. He is with his Mom and Dad a lot!

I'm slowly coming around. I work full time and go to school and I am also in my mid 40's so I am slowing down a little.

 

I guess it all comes down to commitment, acceptance and just tolerating certain things and if I cannot do that, I need to step away.

 

Thanks again, you got me thinking :-)

 

You're welcome.

 

I'm sorry about your illness. I hope you're ok now. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate now. It doesn't sound like you're slowing down at all! Wow, full time job AND school. I'm in my mid-40's also and I don't think I could do that at this point (been there, done that! )

 

And you're sooo right about it coming down to commitment and acceptance and tolerance. Also patience...lots and lots of patience and dedication. You're very right. You have to decide if it's worth it or not.

 

It's surely not for everyone that's for sure. I know I didn't want to go that route yet again! (Went through it in my first marriage and swore no more men with kids!) But yeah, met my guy and he had a kid but I liked him too much to not continue seeing him.

 

Anyway, hope you can sort this out but in the meantime, keep posting when you need the support, ok?

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, keep on posting if you feel you need to either vent or look for support.

 

So you don't feel alone, we've all be crapped on, even dog/pig piled on by people who don't like what we've expressed or like us as people.

 

But...there's also a wealth of advice and some very helpful people on LS. Some of the nasties, might end up to be your best support, with the reverse holding true.

[Touche]

Yes, keep on posting if you feel you need to either vent or look for support.

 

So you don't feel alone, we've all be crapped on, even dog/pig piled on by people who don't like what we've expressed or like us as people.

 

But...there's also a wealth of advice and some very helpful people on LS. Some of the nasties, might end up to be your best support, with the reverse holding true.

 

This is true RD. You wouldn't believe what we regulars have put up with, including from each other! But most of us ARE here to be supportive.

[Ariadne]

This is true RD. You wouldn't believe what we regulars have put up with, including from each other! But most of us ARE here to be supportive.

 

But they all mean well.

[Touche]

But they all mean well.

 

Are you being sarcastic, A?

 

But seriously, most of us really DO mean well. Of course we all have our moods too and certain people who don't exactly bring out the best in us. But really for the most part, you will get a lot of support here.

[whimsical_memory]

My BF's son is in therapy (and he need it) and tonight the therapist told my boyfriend that he needs to spend more time with his kids doing activities.

HUH!!! That's all he does with them. His ex wife never does a thing with them

My BF has them every second weekend and makes their agendas for the entire weekened.

 

The issue with these kids is they lack TOTAL independence. They are 12 and 14 and do not know how to create any plans on their own. They don't even know how to go into a store and pay for stuff.

They behave like 5 yr olds. They would not even know enough to go outside and play.

 

I was always pushing my ex to STOP making all their plans and let them create their own like most of us did when we were that age.

And now this therapist (who writes some best selling books on child therapy) says he needs to take his kids to amusement parks and movies and spend more time with them?

That is not going to help them create their own plans?

 

I am pretty sure the son is lying to the doc and manipulating him. This boy is a very disturbed kid and is a master manipulator. Why a therapist cannot see it baffling to me

 

Any insight from some parents?

 

 

As a former step-parent, I commend you for wanting to be so actively involved in the life of your boyfriend's son. Being a step-parent is one of the toughest jobs around, and often times requires extreme amounts of tolerance, patience and love. My step-son was extremely mean and hurtful to me and my daughters- my ex did not want to see this though, and constantly told me I was 'imagining things'. It is so difficult for a parent to be able to open their eyes and see their children clearly and without blinders on. From having read the whole post, it does seem that your boyfriend is starting to come around (in regards to the obese daughter) and while this is a good thing, it is also going to be extremely hard on your boyfriend to continue to do this. Nobody wants to see bad in their children. At this point, you have no idea what it is that the son is telling his therapist, so we'll leave that one alone for now As for the independence factor, some kids simply do better with a well structured life, and are completely happy with being told what they are going to do or not do, maybe this is how his children are.. I do wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue so that all involved are able to feel some peace of mind.

[WTRanger]

My dad sprung my step-mom on me. I was maybe 11 or 12 and all of a sudden I got a wedding notification in the mail that my dad had married some girl I'd never heard of. They had eloped at Niagara Falls. So yea, I never really had a choice in the matter.

 

But both of my parents never bought into the idea that everything is a "family" decision. When mom had to move us, we moved. I didn't like it? Move out. Why should I have controlled my dad's love life? What did it matter if I really liked my step-mom or not? It was along the lines of I'm going to do this and you can choose to either accept it, or move to the streets. There was no middle ground. Personally, that's what it should be. It's not a family decision, it's a parental decision. The kids should learn to just deal with it. They'll get used to it for later in life.

[RedDevil66]

You're welcome.

 

I'm sorry about your illness. I hope you're ok now. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate now. It doesn't sound like you're slowing down at all! Wow, full time job AND school. I'm in my mid-40's also and I don't think I could do that at this point (been there, done that! )

 

And you're sooo right about it coming down to commitment and acceptance and tolerance. Also patience...lots and lots of patience and dedication. You're very right. You have to decide if it's worth it or not.

 

It's surely not for everyone that's for sure. I know I didn't want to go that route yet again! (Went through it in my first marriage and swore no more men with kids!) But yeah, met my guy and he had a kid but I liked him too much to not continue seeing him.

 

Anyway, hope you can sort this out but in the meantime, keep posting when you need the support, ok?

 

My illness is chronic so I'll struggle with it for life, but I've now managed it.

Well, by slowing down I mean, in my 20's, I would have been able to handle a lot more and now, I need to use my spare time to rest.

 

Like you, I swore I would never date a man with kids. I was in common law married for 11 yrs, and it ended really bad. Then I was alone for a while, met some guy and was with him for 2 yrs (he was a jerk), then met my current BF who I didn't like romantically, but we ended up being friends and he was really nice. Then I just fell into it, but the kid issue was always there for me.

 

I never wanted my own kids, but I did look at my BF and realize after two very bad break-ups (both ex's cheated on me), that my BF would never cheat, was very dedicated and I could trust him. So I kept telling myself I would work hard at accepting his kids.

The thing is, they are just not "normal" kids and are not easy to accept.

I've jumped from wanting out really bad to hoping it would work, to knowing i am settling, to knowing I can do better, to thinking most relationships never work anyways so stay, to thinking RUN, to thinking, STAY, to thinking he's a good person, back to wanting out.

I've run the gamut of every darn emotion here.

 

I should also point out, my BF's two nephews are 14 and 16 and both are in therapy for emotional issues and have bene in therapy for 3 yrs.

One of them rights on the wall with red paint "I hate mom" etc.

My BF refuses to see his nephews ever because he cannot deal with them. He sees them once a yr and they live 2 blocks from him.

 

Thanks so much for your kind word supporting me, it makes it a lot easier to be open and honest when their is understanding and kindness

 

You rock! ;-)

[RedDevil66]

Yes, keep on posting if you feel you need to either vent or look for support.

 

So you don't feel alone, we've all be crapped on, even dog/pig piled on by people who don't like what we've expressed or like us as people.

 

But...there's also a wealth of advice and some very helpful people on LS. Some of the nasties, might end up to be your best support, with the reverse holding true.

 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that.

 

 

:-)

[RedDevil66]

Are you being sarcastic, A?

 

But seriously, most of us really DO mean well. Of course we all have our moods too and certain people who don't exactly bring out the best in us. But really for the most part, you will get a lot of support here.

 

I agree and someone could just be having a rotten day and will lash out, but there is lashing out because of a bad day and lashing out because of bad character.

what we all witnessed here was someone lashing out due to bad character.

No tolerance for that.

 

But I do believe most mean well :-)

[RedDevil66]

As a former step-parent, I commend you for wanting to be so actively involved in the life of your boyfriend's son. Being a step-parent is one of the toughest jobs around, and often times requires extreme amounts of tolerance, patience and love. My step-son was extremely mean and hurtful to me and my daughters- my ex did not want to see this though, and constantly told me I was 'imagining things'. It is so difficult for a parent to be able to open their eyes and see their children clearly and without blinders on. From having read the whole post, it does seem that your boyfriend is starting to come around (in regards to the obese daughter) and while this is a good thing, it is also going to be extremely hard on your boyfriend to continue to do this. Nobody wants to see bad in their children. At this point, you have no idea what it is that the son is telling his therapist, so we'll leave that one alone for now As for the independence factor, some kids simply do better with a well structured life, and are completely happy with being told what they are going to do or not do, maybe this is how his children are.. I do wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue so that all involved are able to feel some peace of mind.

 

 

Thank you for saying this because my intentions were always well meaning.

No one is looking out for these two kids.

My BF is coming around, but it took a lot of fights and energy on my part.

I want to let go and really not care anymore because it seems like I am the only one concerned for these kids well being.

But do I just let them be eaten by the denial or keep fighting?!

 

You're so right when you say parents are the last to see reality of who their kids really are.

His son would tell me to shut up, or would crawl on the floor under the kitchen table during dinner (he was 12 when he did this) and my BF would say "Oh he's just stressing his independence"

WHAT! Oh I can go on and on about the denial from my BF

Maybe because I am not a parent, but if I were, I would want to see the truth and get something fixed that is broken.

[RedDevil66]

My dad sprung my step-mom on me. I was maybe 11 or 12 and all of a sudden I got a wedding notification in the mail that my dad had married some girl I'd never heard of. They had eloped at Niagara Falls. So yea, I never really had a choice in the matter.

 

But both of my parents never bought into the idea that everything is a "family" decision. When mom had to move us, we moved. I didn't like it? Move out. Why should I have controlled my dad's love life? What did it matter if I really liked my step-mom or not? It was along the lines of I'm going to do this and you can choose to either accept it, or move to the streets. There was no middle ground. Personally, that's what it should be. It's not a family decision, it's a parental decision. The kids should learn to just deal with it. They'll get used to it for later in life.

 

I agree with this totally

[whimsical_memory]

Thank you for saying this because my intentions were always well meaning.

No one is looking out for these two kids.

My BF is coming around, but it took a lot of fights and energy on my part.

I want to let go and really not care anymore because it seems like I am the only one concerned for these kids well being.

But do I just let them be eaten by the denial or keep fighting?!

 

You're so right when you say parents are the last to see reality of who their kids really are.

His son would tell me to shut up, or would crawl on the floor under the kitchen table during dinner (he was 12 when he did this) and my BF would say "Oh he's just stressing his independence"

WHAT! Oh I can go on and on about the denial from my BF

Maybe because I am not a parent, but if I were, I would want to see the truth and get something fixed that is broken.

 

 

Believe me when I say that all people who are not parents say this very same thing, but when you become a parent (not a step-parent) it is like you develop blinders to what is really going on with your child (in most cases, certainly not all). For the longest time my sister believed that her son was a good child despite being told by the rest of us that there was just something off about him. She got mad at us for trying to make her see the truth about her son (we went for about a year without talking when I told her that my daughter said he had "tickled" her private parts and she refused to believe it) until finally he was caught by the police having sex in a public place (he was 15). After that she began to notice that valuables around the house were missing and that is how she discovered that he has a drug problem and he has since been in and out of jail. The last time was for attempting to kill his sibling. Being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding job in the world, but the truth of the matter is this: Just as not everyone is skilled to be a surgeon, not everyone is skilled at being a parent.

 

You say you have run the gauntlet of emotions in your relationship, and I can relate to you so much on that as well. If you do decide to leave is there not a way you can continue to fight for these children? Do you have a pastor you can speak with? Someone whom you can confide in as to what you see going on?

[RedDevil66]

Believe me when I say that all people who are not parents say this very same thing, but when you become a parent (not a step-parent) it is like you develop blinders to what is really going on with your child (in most cases, certainly not all). For the longest time my sister believed that her son was a good child despite being told by the rest of us that there was just something off about him. She got mad at us for trying to make her see the truth about her son (we went for about a year without talking when I told her that my daughter said he had "tickled" her private parts and she refused to believe it) until finally he was caught by the police having sex in a public place (he was 15). After that she began to notice that valuables around the house were missing and that is how she discovered that he has a drug problem and he has since been in and out of jail. The last time was for attempting to kill his sibling. Being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding job in the world, but the truth of the matter is this: Just as not everyone is skilled to be a surgeon, not everyone is skilled at being a parent.

 

You say you have run the gauntlet of emotions in your relationship, and I can relate to you so much on that as well. If you do decide to leave is there not a way you can continue to fight for these children? Do you have a pastor you can speak with? Someone whom you can confide in as to what you see going on?

 

wow on the story of your sister. Amazing that she was so blind!

And I love what you said about not everyone is skilled to be a surgeon and not everyone is skilled to be a parent.

You hit the nail on the head!

 

If I left him, I would not fight anymore for his kids. I can't! It's affecting my emotional health. If my BF was open to it, then I would continue to help, but since him and his entire family live in a DEEP dark denial, I just would walk away and never look back.

 

I am not religious, but I do have two best friends and my Mom that I talk to all the time.

I have also thought about going back to therapy. My therapist last yr told me to leave him.

I want to, then get scared, then when I walk away for a few weeks, I feel like I was giving up.

My BF says he is more than willing to get some couples therapy, I just don't know if I can give to that.

 

Thanks for sharing this story with me. I'm still like WOW to it!

[RedDevil66]

looks like this thread was "cleaned up"

Some posts missing! I guess something went down and i missed it?!