What therapist told BF.......

[RedDevil66]

My BF's son is in therapy (and he need it) and tonight the therapist told my boyfriend that he needs to spend more time with his kids doing activities.

HUH!!! That's all he does with them. His ex wife never does a thing with them

My BF has them every second weekend and makes their agendas for the entire weekened.

 

The issue with these kids is they lack TOTAL independence. They are 12 and 14 and do not know how to create any plans on their own. They don't even know how to go into a store and pay for stuff.

They behave like 5 yr olds. They would not even know enough to go outside and play.

 

I was always pushing my ex to STOP making all their plans and let them create their own like most of us did when we were that age.

And now this therapist (who writes some best selling books on child therapy) says he needs to take his kids to amusement parks and movies and spend more time with them?

That is not going to help them create their own plans?

 

I am pretty sure the son is lying to the doc and manipulating him. This boy is a very disturbed kid and is a master manipulator. Why a therapist cannot see it baffling to me

 

Any insight from some parents?

[2sunny]

my advice is to stay out of it. if you cant, then don't date him anymore.

[Lucky_One]

You are the one who pushed for this child to go into therapy, and now you are undermining the therapist's recommendations and making the child out to be in the wrong. You are also making it sound as though your BF is a great parent, when in other threads you say that he clearly is an emotionally distant and cold father.

 

Exactly WHY are you in this relationship, and WHY would you want to put yourself into a position of wanting to appear that you know more about children and psychotherapy than his therapist?

[RedDevil66]

You are the one who pushed for this child to go into therapy, and now you are undermining the therapist's recommendations and making the child out to be in the wrong. You are also making it sound as though your BF is a great parent, when in other threads you say that he clearly is an emotionally distant and cold father.

 

Exactly WHY are you in this relationship, and WHY would you want to put yourself into a position of wanting to appear that you know more about children and psychotherapy than his therapist?

 

Oh no, I never said he was a good parent.

 

I don't and am not trying to put myself in a position to know more (though I do have a medical background. I am not a child therapist), but I have know this boy for many years and can see what is hurting him.

 

My relationship is not the issue here. I've been with my BF 4 yrs also.

Should people in relationships with step kids just keep quiet?

[Trialbyfire]

No offense but every second weekend isn't much time. That's two days out of 14 or 14.29% of the time.

 

It doesn't appear that the therapist is suggesting how he spends the time, just that he needs to spend more time.

[RedDevil66]

And please, I am looking for sound insight, not to be bashed.

Please be constructive

[RedDevil66]

No offense but every second weekend isn't much time. That's two days out of 14 or 14.29% of the time.

 

It doesn't appear that the therapist is suggesting how he spends the time, just that he needs to spend more time.

 

 

Hi, thanks for the input :-)

 

He has them every second weekend but also sees them 2 nights during the week.

 

No, the therapist told him to take then to an amusement park, which I just found odd

[Trialbyfire]

Hi, thanks for the input :-)

 

He has them every second weekend but also sees them 2 nights during the week.

 

No, the therapist told him to take then to an amusement park, which I just found odd

Ah, okay, that's better.

 

What's the average curriculum like, when he has custody?

[Lucky_One]

I AM being constructive.

 

You don't have step-kids. You are a long-term GF in an emotionally unsatisfying and unhappy dating relationship. So while you are in a relationship with a man who has children, you are not in a step-parenting role.

 

How much time does your BF spend with his kids with you not around? Does he ever take them out for dinner on Wednesday nights, or does he just get the every other weekend time? To be honest, it doesn't sound as though you like either of his children (judging from your other posts), and this could certainly be coming through to his kids, who are adolescents.

[2sunny]

now that i've read your past thread - i still stand firm on you leaving this guy.

 

why are you with him... because he's the best choice for now? because there's no one better? that isn't enough for a solid, loving relationship.

 

everything you described says it isn't nearly enough for you - he probably senses that. he's being himself and you don't think it's enough.

 

as far as the kids... stay out of it. when you criticize or even question it - he will automatically become defensive for his kids and that makes YOU look very bad in his eyes. every time you want to change his parenting or say anything negative regarding his kids... you are KILLING his heart.

 

if he's in AA like you said - he's got a lot going on in his head and you should just exit quickly so he can work out his resentments and begin his growing stage in his recovery. dating a gal while trying to stay sober and accomplish this only tends to complicate the recovery process. if he were smart - he would ask you to step aside because he's got a lot of things he needs to be concentrating on.

[RedDevil66]

Ah, okay, that's better.

 

What's the average curriculum like, when he has custody?

 

Out to supper, swimming, movies, seeing grandparents, bike riding, park, playing hockey, soccer. They are always on the move.

 

I guess what is concering is how these kids just have no idea how to create their own fun without an adult telling them how/what to do.

 

If I knew doing more with them would help, but they lack independence and I cannot see how this will help

[2sunny]

I AM being constructive.

 

You don't have step-kids. You are a long-term GF in an emotionally unsatisfying and unhappy dating relationship. So while you are in a relationship with a man who has children, you are not in a step-parenting role.

 

How much time does your BF spend with his kids with you not around? Does he ever take them out for dinner on Wednesday nights, or does he just get the every other weekend time? To be honest, it doesn't sound as though you like either of his children (judging from your other posts), and this could certainly be coming through to his kids, who are adolescents.

 

even my xH petitioned to have the kids 50% of the time. your BF doesn't seem to want to have time or make the effort you have portrayed. if you're not with them - how can you have an experience with your kids?

 

question... when he has them - are you there with them or do they always have that time alone with him?

[RedDevil66]

now that i've read your past thread - i still stand firm on you leaving this guy.

 

why are you with him... because he's the best choice for now? because there's no one better? that isn't enough for a solid, loving relationship.

 

everything you described says it isn't nearly enough for you - he probably senses that. he's being himself and you don't think it's enough.

 

as far as the kids... stay out of it. when you criticize or even question it - he will automatically become defensive for his kids and that makes YOU look very bad in his eyes. every time you want to change his parenting or say anything negative regarding his kids... you are KILLING his heart.

 

if he's in AA like you said - he's got a lot going on in his head and you should just exit quickly so he can work out his resentments and begin his growing stage in his recovery. dating a gal while trying to stay sober and accomplish this only tends to complicate the recovery process. if he were smart - he would ask you to step aside because he's got a lot of things he needs to be concentrating on.

 

thank you, some of what you said is helpful, but this thread is NOT about my relationship with him.

 

I'm harsh with him when it comes to his kids, because these kids have NO ONE to stand up for their health and well being.

I should stay out of it, you're right, but only because it's drains me.

 

I am sure anyone who saw kids being hurt by bad parenting would want to help. Take a villiage right?!

[RedDevil66]

even my xH petitioned to have the kids 50% of the time. your BF doesn't seem to want to have time or make the effort you have portrayed. if you're not with them - how can you have an experience with your kids?

 

question... when he has them - are you there with them or do they always have that time alone with him?

 

I used to be with him when he had his kids, I chose not to see them as much because his son was so rude and I was not going to accept his behavior in my home or even around me

I told my BF when his son was taught some manners, I would be happy to see them

[2sunny]

so do you know for sure the therapist said that or is it second hand info? if it's second hand - then it may not be true.

 

truth be told - if he wasn't seeing you - he would probably have more time and energy for the kids.

[RedDevil66]

so do you know for sure the therapist said that or is it second hand info? if it's second hand - then it may not be true.

 

truth be told - if he wasn't seeing you - he would probably have more time and energy for the kids.

 

Truth be told, I only see him the weekends he doesn't have his kids.

In 4 yrs, I've not once taken any time that was meant for his kids.

[WTRanger]

I'm not sure there is much you can do. Truth is, you are not their mom or even step-mom at this point. As much as you want to help, you may not be able to. Any advice you may give, while with the best intentions, may be met with the, "Stay out of my life!" fiery feedback. While you may have the best intentions, they are his kids and not yours. You may need to take a step back or be seen as overly controlling.

 

I don't have kids but I was about 2 when my parents divorced. My dad had my brother and I every Sunday, so 1 day a week, and both of us grew up to be normal, successful men. It's not about the amount of time, it's the quality. My dad was always invited to school events, etc. We would go to the occasional football game on Saturdays, but for the most part it was Sunday only.

 

Honestly, I have to say it was the best arrangement. I see and hear from friends or kids today that are one day here, next day there and it just seems to be insanely confusing for them. I felt like I had a sense of home and not just a temporary sleeping area.

[RedDevil66]

I'm not sure there is much you can do. Truth is, you are not their mom or even step-mom at this point. As much as you want to help, you may not be able to. Any advice you may give, while with the best intentions, may be met with the, "Stay out of my life!" fiery feedback. While you may have the best intentions, they are his kids and not yours. You may need to take a step back or be seen as overly controlling.

 

I don't have kids but I was about 2 when my parents divorced. My dad had my brother and I every Sunday, so 1 day a week, and both of us grew up to be normal, successful men. It's not about the amount of time, it's the quality. My dad was always invited to school events, etc. We would go to the occasional football game on Saturdays, but for the most part it was Sunday only.

 

Honestly, I have to say it was the best arrangement. I see and hear from friends or kids today that are one day here, next day there and it just seems to be insanely confusing for them. I felt like I had a sense of home and not just a temporary sleeping area.

 

Thanks :-)

 

I should stay out of it, you're right. I feel like I almost have to get involved and only because if my BF and I ever want to work on a more solid future, I can only do it if the kids are more well adjusted.

It's a control thing for me I think.

My BF asks often for my input, and times I give it and times I just can't because I am so frustrated at how these kids are being raised.

 

It's none of my biz how they are being raised really, and for the first two yrs I didn't make a "peep" when it came to his kids.

You're right though, I need to step back and just let this be.

 

And you're right about the back and forth with kids today. These kids are happier in their Mom's home because they have all their "stuff" there.

Divorce is so hard on kids.

 

Thanks again for sharing :-)

[Touche]

Wow, Sunny! Are you ok, dear? This isn't like you.

 

Ok, on topic, I feel for you RD. The first couple of years of our marriage was hell in part because of this very issue. That's the way it goes with many kids of divorce. They're clingy and insecure and don't seem to be able to entertain themselves. I used to tell my H all the time that it wasn't normal.

 

Unfortunately, you have little standing as his g/f. It's tough enough when you're the stepmom and actually SEE the kids and have a relationship with them. You are neither. You're not their stepmom and you don't even have a relationship with them from what you say. Parents are WAY more prone to listen to you if you have a relationship with their kids.

 

So, I'm sorry to say that there's little you can do about this. You really better stay out of it or it will really cause problems. But yeah, you're right about the issue. It's not normal really but from what I've seen it seems to be the way it is with kids of divorce.

[Phateless]

Have to ask - what's the mom like? It sounds like your guy is making every effort to see his kids as much as possible (good for him! life is hectic) but is that enough? Perhaps it's the Mom who is creating this dependence on outside structure? From what you described it does sound as if he is over-parenting a little.

 

This is a tough call because you're never sure what's your place and when you're overstepping your boundaries.

 

I do agree that you have to make a decision on how involved you will be and at what point you decide it's either working for you or it isn't.

 

Can you fill in any of the gaps for us on points we might be missing?

[Lucky_One]

I don't see how you can draw a line between your relationship with his man and your thoughts on what is wrong with his children. If you never see the son, then it is going to be hard for you to know what he is telling his therapist or how his behavior may be changing.

 

You aren't just dating a man. You are dating a father. You seem to have a lot of anger and resentment towards his children, and I don't see how you can compartmentalize the dad in one box and the children in another - they all go together.

 

Since you seem to have drawn a strong line in the sand about being around BF's son at all, I would not get into the therapy issue at all. If the two of you (child and yourself) can't get along to that extent, then it is doubtful that your BF will be able to take your advice as being impartial.

[RedDevil66]

huh? me - bitter? that's the furthest from the truth... good luck dear, you're not willing to face the truth and find a solution - you just want to come here to belly ache and complain.

 

do the guy and the kids a favor - leave. this IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS... it's only his.

 

i wouldn't date anyone who tried to meddle in my parenting - no matter how great they were... you are crossing the line with him and his kids. you just like complaining about him. he should leave you.

 

This post says a lot about the sort of character you have. Get some help

[Ariadne]

My BF's son is in therapy

That is not going to help them create their own plans?

 

I have know this boy for many years and can see what is hurting him.

 

the therapist told him to take then to an amusement park, which I just found odd

 

That's what you get for going to the therapists.

 

Now you can't do what you think it's best for the child but you must obey the people that are trained.

 

If they didn't know better than you, why would you go to them in the first place?

[RedDevil66]

I don't see how you can draw a line between your relationship with his man and your thoughts on what is wrong with his children. If you never see the son, then it is going to be hard for you to know what he is telling his therapist or how his behavior may be changing.

 

You aren't just dating a man. You are dating a father. You seem to have a lot of anger and resentment towards his children, and I don't see how you can compartmentalize the dad in one box and the children in another - they all go together.

 

Since you seem to have drawn a strong line in the sand about being around BF's son at all, I would not get into the therapy issue at all. If the two of you (child and yourself) can't get along to that extent, then it is doubtful that your BF will be able to take your advice as being impartial.

 

I really do have a lot of anger about this. You're right on the money there. And I don't want to have this anger.

When I was in therapy for a serious illness I was diagnosed with, this was a subject I raised often.

My therapist told me to only accept seeing the kids when my BF was able to discipline the kids and get them help.

 

The boys grandparents also have issues with the boy. It just seemed to be baffling to me that no one was willling to get this kid some help.

My BF said to me "I'm going to take him for help because I am now fearful when I go to sleep at night that he may hurt me. He looks at me with so much evil"

 

I was like "FINALLY" but ticked it took him to long to see it.

Now, if these were just normal pain in the butt kids, I could take it.

I don't want to desert my BF. He has little support and I TRULY want him and his kids to be happy/healthy.

I've tried to leave, but I do love him but it's tough to see any future.

 

I just don't see how taking a 14 yr old to an amusement park is going to help him. This is why I asked.

I'm baffled but guess I need to not even put my focus/energy on it and just let my BF and his family deal with this.

[RedDevil66]

Wow, Sunny! Are you ok, dear? This isn't like you.

 

Ok, on topic, I feel for you RD. The first couple of years of our marriage was hell in part because of this very issue. That's the way it goes with many kids of divorce. They're clingy and insecure and don't seem to be able to entertain themselves. I used to tell my H all the time that it wasn't normal.

 

Unfortunately, you have little standing as his g/f. It's tough enough when you're the stepmom and actually SEE the kids and have a relationship with them. You are neither. You're not their stepmom and you don't even have a relationship with them from what you say. Parents are WAY more prone to listen to you if you have a relationship with their kids.

 

So, I'm sorry to say that there's little you can do about this. You really better stay out of it or it will really cause problems. But yeah, you're right about the issue. It's not normal really but from what I've seen it seems to be the way it is with kids of divorce.

 

 

Thanks so much for this. How did you deal with his kids at the begininng?

 

I am going to stay far from this now, I just really wanted to help, but was doing it with anger. I'm just really frustrated.

 

Again, thanks for sharing this. Makes me think